


Smegheads (short fics)

by British_CupOfTea



Series: Smegheads [2]
Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Angst, Cat can be such a mood, Crying, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Holly is a god, Hugs, I'm mean, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Kryten is just around, Lister tries to be there for Rimmer, M/M, Poor Rimsy :(, Pre-Slash, References to Depression, Rimmer is a depresso expresso in some, Sorry Rimmer snsnsns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 67
Words: 84,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24322207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/British_CupOfTea/pseuds/British_CupOfTea
Summary: This is just a load of short fics I write in my freetime.  They're not linked to each other, just posting them under the same piece.If they're not post a specific episode, they're set in an AU where they never lost Red Dwarf in s6 but still met Legion. (s6/s7 most of these are set like that)Enjoy!Sum of the first Story:Rimmer can't take it anymore. Lister keeps playing his smegging guitar at all hours. Even though he can't stand it, somehow, he is given courage to face his demons.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Series: Smegheads [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1753999
Comments: 304
Kudos: 112





	1. Where is it?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you're doing well! 
> 
> This series is just a load of pre-slash fics thrown in together. They're not linked to each other but I put them together under the same name so I'm not constantly spamming the wall.
> 
> (P.s. This first story is a lil bit of a song fic.. only towards the end though :) )  
> Enjoy!

“Where the smeg is it?” Lister anxiously scrambled around the sleeping quarters, searching for his guitar, “Kryten?!”

After a few minutes, the sound of clunking metal echoed down the corridor, “Yes, Sir?”

“Have you seen my guitar anywhere? I can’t, smegging, find it.”

Kryten thought for a moment, “I did see Mr Rimmer with it. He was going down to the Diesel Decks. He didn’t see me of course, even though he kept looking around, I hid behind a door.”

Lister’s brow furrowed, “Oh no... he’s gone to smegging destroy it!” He ran for the door.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Early hours of that day)

Rimmer sat up in bed, he glanced around the room nervously to look at the clock - 05:27. Perfect. Careful not to wake Lister, he crept over to the other side of the room and picked up the tatty old guitar. He always felt particularly empty this time of year and Lister kept playing the smegging guitar. It was driving him insane and he decided he would do what any other sane person would do in this situation.

He walked down the dark corridors, still listening out to make sure no one could hear him. It felt like hours were passing as he made his way down, the only sound was the gentle stirring of the ship, his footsteps and his heartbeat drumming in his ears. He thought he heard a slight metallic ‘chink’ sort of noise and he stopped dead in his tracks. Nothing. He looked around once more and continued to march down the steps like a military soldier, guitar in hand.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Present)

Lister ran for it, as fast as his legs could carry him. On the stairs he missed steps to speed himself up. He didn’t know how long Rimmer had been gone with his guitar or if there would be any of it left. As he came around a corner he slammed into Cat.

“Smegging hell!” He groaned as he picked himself off of the steps behind him.

“Hey, Bud, why are you going so fast? Look! You’ve put a crease on my suit!” He put down the bundle that was in his hands next to him and he tried to stand up.

“Oh no!” Lister snatched the bundle of screwed up guitar strings, “No! Oh no, no, no!” He groaned in frustration, “where did you get this? Tell me! Smegging tell me where you got it!”

“Calm down!” He patted out a crease in his suit and tutted, “Goal Post Head gave it to me… well not really, he kinda just threw them out and I found them.” Cat shrugged and snatched them back, “Now if you don’t mind me, I found it, therefore, it is mine.” he plodded off back up the stairs.

“Oh god he’s dismembered her.” Lister sobbed and kept running. As soon as he saw Rimmer he was going to beat the shit out of him for destroying his only source of hope. The flights of stairs kept coming and coming and eventually he had to stop for a breather. He wrapped his sweating hands around the cold metal railings and listened, he couldn’t hear anything besides the hum of the ship. A loud bang came from way up above him and then nothing. He was alone down here, he was alone forever because his beautiful guitar had been destroyed by that insufferable, pigheaded, heartless, sadistic, smeghead. He was going to kill him. Well obviously he was dead but he was going to do the closest thing to it, give him one hell of a beating. He didn’t care what anyone thought, he was so angry he could just break something. How could Rimmer steal his baby like that? Just take her as if she meant nothing. He needed to think, what had he done over the past few days? He had practiced playing--

He remembered Rimmer asking him to stop, a lot calmer than usual. Lister thought he was just being annoying, apparently not. Rimmer had complained about the guitar and how out of tune and off key he was, after all, the strings were all messed up. He had told himself to keep annoying Rimmer, just to see what reaction he would get. It wasn’t the usually “Smeg off Lister. You’re being too loud.” Instead he just sat there and took it, he had stopped complaining after two days or so, which wasn’t normal but Lister had thought it was an opportunity to keep winding him up. He remembered what he did to Rimmer’s wooden box from his Father that time, it sent shivers down his spine to remember how Rimmer was so proud of him, thinking it was his guitar. The look of shock on his face when he realised what had happened and how he practically had a breakdown after the incident, he cried for days in their sleeping quarters.

With his breath back, Lister continued running. Still jumping down flights of stairs and missing steps, on a few occasions he threw himself over a railing because he knew the platform below wasn’t that far down. His feet were starting to ache and he had a stitch reforming on his left side. 

After what seemed like forever, he reached the Diesel Decks. He looked around and listened, he could hear moving coming from down the corridor. All the anger bubbled up inside him as he made his way down, he glanced around and stopped at the end, he could hear Rimmer inhale deeply. What he did next, made him feel like his knees were going to give way.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Rimmer was about seven, his mother insisted on him learning to play an instrument. All his brothers could play something, piano, violin and a clarinet. He couldn’t play anything. His father agreed with her and forced him to learn the guitar. He enjoyed it at first and as the year went by and he progressed. Then, he was forced to practice more. Whenever he failed his father’s meal time quiz, he had to go practice in the basement. On Christmas he had to practice in the basement. On his brother’s birthdays he had to practice in the basement and the same for his own. He gave up after two years and instead he would just sit down there. He of course, still loved to play but couldn’t bring himself to after the occasions where he would be forced to play until his fingers bled. 

Rimmer always felt empty on the surrounding days nearing his birthday. That fear and anxiety would wriggle their way into his mind and he would push them out by feeling nothing. This year, however, was worse. Lister kept playing his smegging guitar at all hours of the day. He couldn’t get angry at him in case he said something that would be the perfect ammunition against him. Lister didn’t didn’t need to know or worry. 

This year, he decided he was going to face his demons. He was going to go to the closest thing to a basement and play. He was going to play for his own enjoyment and not to please anyone. The only problem being, Lister’s guitar was atrocious, all of the strings were messed up and it was so poorly tuned. Luckily, he had found his old strings buried away in the items he had brought when they had first joined Red Dwarf. He had kept the strings, but burnt the guitar itself. 

When he reached the decks he sat and carefully unstrung the guitar, it took him a decent while as of how badly Lister had put them in. Technically, this classed as a present for him as well. His guitar would have the correct strings. Rimmer remembered all of the memories as he thread up the guitar. He never understood why he wasn’t allowed to do anything that his brothers did. How they could practically get away with murder, but if he stepped a milimetre out of line, he would be locked away in the dark and not fed.

An hour went by and he heard footsteps come down the stairs which were followed by, “oooh! What’s this?” he recognised Cat’s surprised tone and listened to him walk away. 

What took even longer was the tuning. He had to remember what a tuned guitar sounded like, it had been a long time of Lister’s racket. The racket he had come to love. The racket that had stirred something inside of him. Lister had somehow given him the courage to face his demons, without him directly saying anything. His fingers hurt a little but he had been through worse and got on with it.

After a few hours he was ready, he took a deep breath. He knew how to play loads of nursery rhymes, but there were only two proper songs he knew how to play, the first being ‘Take Me Home, Country Roads’ by John Denver. His music teacher gave it to him to practice not long before he quit. He practised it a lot, more than the other. He knew it by heart after all these years. He strummed it gently and tapped his foot for a beat,

“Almost heaven, West Virginia..” He began.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lister leant against the way and listened to Rimmer’s voice. It was relaxing and mesmerising, he had heard him sing in the shower once in a while, but this? This was heavenly. Minutes passed and he was still trapped in a trance, listening to Rimmer. He played the guitar perfectly. He could hear him choke on a sob occasionally but continued anyway. 

“...Country Roads.” The guitar gently faded out and a heavy feeling hung in the air like smoke. He could hear Rimmer’s little sobs from around the corner.

“Ah for smegs sake, Listy, why am I so in love with you? How did I manage to let you persuade me to face my demons...” He cried out in anger.

Lister paused, did he just hear what he thought he heard? He heard the guitar being put down and then he heard a loud thump, which he assumed was Rimmer throwing himself down. Carefully, he popped his head around the corner to see Rimmer on his knees cradling the guitar, gently plucking at the strings. 

“I.. don’t want to set the world on fire…” He sang, his voice breaking with sadness, “...I just want to start… a flame in your heart. In my heart, I have but one desire and that one is you. No other will do.” He let out another sob and continued, “I’ve lost all ambition for worldly acclaim--”

Lister couldn’t stop himself, “I just want to be the one you love.” He gently joined in with Rimmer, he could see him suddenly jolt up and he turned around quickly.

“Lister?! What the smeg are you doing here?!” He angrily cried out. Starting to tremble and stutter, he passed the guitar to him, “Look, I didn’t mess it up, I promise. I just got the right strings for it-- and-- and I tuned it.” He shook in fear.

Lister hadn’t seen him look so weak and frail in a long time. He shook his head, all the anger that he had built up disintegrated. He wrapped his arms around Rimmer and hugged him tightly, Rimmer let out a gasp and tried to push him away at first but a moment later he was gripping onto him tightly. “Happy Birthday, by the way.” Lister pressed a kiss against Rimmer’s left temple. He could feel him tense up slightly before melting back into the hug, “You had to face your demons… whatever they were… and if you don’t mind me saying, I think you did brilliant.” He whispered.

“Mhm…” Rimmer cried as he buried his head into Lister’s shoulder, hugging him as if his life depended on it. 

“I love you.” Lister said after a few minutes passed by, “You can tell me whatever you, smegging, need to, and you sing like an angel.” 

Rimmer gently leaned back and his eyes searched Lister’s, to see if he was serious. He quickly pressed his lips against his, there was no point in turning back. He was too far in and he might as well kept going. The kiss deepened and the pair were pressed up right against each other. 

“Come on. Let’s go upstairs.” Lister gasped for air as they broke apart.

“Of course.” Rimmer nodded, gently taking the guitar off of Lister, “I’ll carry this up.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lister woke up entangled in Rimmer’s limbs. The room was quiet and it was peaceful, he gently nuzzled his face into the mass of curls on Rimmer’s head. He wrapped his arm around the hard-light hologram’s bare waist and pulled him closer. He looked up at his guitar which was prompted up against the table. If it wasn’t for that guitar, he wouldn’t be having this right now. He was so smegging lucky. He pressed a kiss against Rimmer’s head and fell back asleep.


	2. "Last Day"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If the events of "Last Day" changed slightly. Rimmer pushes his luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello All!!! Hope you are all well! Like I said, these are all little stories, some of them are if events in an episode changed and others are my own ideas.
> 
> Enjoy!

“...and there’s no point in standing there with your macho chest and your… silly oiled nipples. It doesn’t impress me one bit. Now, I don’t know where you came from, and frankly I don’t much care, but if you don’t skedaddle pronto, you’re going to see a side of me you won’t much like.” Rimmer straightened himself up a bit more, still looking up and the emotionless android.

“What’s he gonna do? Drop his trousers?” Lister muttered to Kryten.

“Lister. I’m handling this.”

“Thirty Seconds, Kryten. You’re dead. You’re way,” he cocked the gun, “or mine.”

Rimmer rolled his eyes, “Look, we all know programmed not to harm humans so you can drop all this tough tough talk you big, square-jawed chump.” He stepped back and turned around, getting ready to stand back where he was originally. Then he felt it. Something went straight through his projection and was on his lightbee. He felt something crack and he looked up quickly,

“List--” His form disappeared. He turned into a bundle of lights before he completely disappeared. The Android dropped the small lightbee onto the floor behind him and slowly began his walk towards Kryten, The Human and the other life-form.

“Rimmer!” Lister shrieked out. He didn’t know what to do. The Android fired at them, he swiftly threw himself down and rolled away. Fear crept up from his stomach, he heard the cracking noise clear as day.

The droid grabbed Kryten by the throat and held him up in the air. This was his chance. He ran to the otherside of the android and fired. Nothing. 

“Hold on boys. You can’t all die at once.” The replacement's husky voice snarled at him as he turned his head and stared. He smashed Lister in the face, causing him to fly across the room. Landing next to the small flickering lightbee.

“See you in Silicon Heaven.” He half-laughed

Lister gently picked up the small lightbee, it was cracked badly down the middle. “Oh smeg… Rimmer?!” He pressed it against his chest and felt tears roll down his bruising cheek

“It doesn’t exist!”

“What doesn’t exist?”

“Silicon Heaven. There’s no such place.”

“No such place as Silicon Heaven?”

The rest of the conversation seemed to drown out as Lister cradled the lightbee, careful not to damage it even more than it was. “Oh god… Rimmer…” He looked down at it, watching the flashing lights start to fade gradually. The warmth it usually projected was starting to die. “Don’t you, smegging, die on me.” He grumbled.

The next thing he knew the android had shut down. Kryten had overloaded it with information it couldn’t handle.

“Mr Lister, is Mr Rimmer alright?” His android came rushing over, followed by the Cat who looked pretty shaken up.

“His lightbee… it’s cracked.” His voice wavered as he looked down at the dying source.

Kryten put out his hand, “is it okay if I have a look at it?”

He reluctantly placed it in Kryten’s large hand. Then it dawned on him. The last thing Rimmer tried to say: his name. It felt like a stab to the heart to know that the guy that practically hated him, called out the name for the only person who put up with him. Rimmer didn’t call out for anyone else, he called out for Lister.

“How’s it looking?” He asked.

“It’s not beyond irreparable, it’ll take me a while though, sir.”

“How long?” He asked desperately.

“A week at the most. Maybe a bit more. I need to scavenge the ship to find the pieces, if what I think has been damaged actually is damaged.” He looked down at Lister apologetically, “I’m really sorry, sir.”

“It’s fine.” He snapped back, “Cat, can you pass me that bar next to your foot.” 

“This one, bud?” He picked up the lead pipe and passed it to Lister. 

“Yup.” Lister got onto his feet and firmly gripped the pipe, his knuckles went white and he ran for it. He ran at the dead android and did the only thing that came to mind. He began smashing it., hitting it as hard as he could, most of the time he just bounced off but he wanted it to feel pain. He didn’t know why he was so upset over Rimmer. He hated the man, how everything he did had to be perfect, how he was tidy, how he made snide remarks, whenever he was insulted he would just stand there and smile.

“YOU BITCH. YOU SMEGGING BITCH.” He smashed it in the face, wires sprouted out and sparked.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He never thought he’d admit it. Lister stared at the empty bunk beneath him, it had been two weeks now. Kryten couldn’t find the right pieces to fix the lightbee but Holly had insisted they should be onboard somewhere. Lister felt lonely, an empty feeling. He dwelled over every minute he and Rimmer had spent together. He noticed how low and depressed Rimmer really was, how he’d ignored him when he asked for help. He felt shitty. He pressed his head against the pillow. He tried to say Lister. He could have called for anyone who existed / had existed in the universe but he called for Lister because he truly believed he could’ve saved him.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lister, Cat and Kryten loomed over the lightbee on the sleeping-quarter’s table. 

“He’s dead for good, bud.” Cat pulled a straight face, “he ain’t coming back.”

“But… But his lights are still on.”

“Kryten probably accidentally disturbed the lights. He’s dead, bud.” Cat patted him on the back apologetically and left the room.

Kryten frowned and looked at Lister, “I’m really sorry sir. It's my fault that this happened.”

“Just leave it, Krytes.” He said emotionless. He watched as Kryten backed up and left the room.

“I smegging hate you. I hate how you always push your luck. I hate how you always act brave and brush insults and shit off but can’t actually bring yourself to fight. I hate how you keep me sane. I hate how you try and keep me clean and sophisticated. I love you.” Lister smashed his fist down on the table, “just for once, please do what I ask you and not whine or complain about it. Just come back to me. I can’t bear to lose another friend, I need someone to keep me on my toes.” 

He stared at the lightbee, half expecting it to fully light up and for Rimmer to manifest, but no. Nothing happened. He put his hands over his face and rubbed his eyes roughly. He picked up the lightbee and held it to his chest, hugging it, tears streaming down his face, “I’m so sorry I let you get low and depressed at times. I’m sorry I ignored you. You should have called for someone else to help you.” He gritted his teeth, “I’m so smegging sorry.”

He suddenly felt a sharp pain in his arms and went to drop the lightbee, it became excruciatingly hot and then, what he’d been waiting for for the last month happened. Rimmer began to form, his tall figure appeared in front of Lister.

“That’s all I wanted to hear.” He smiled weakly, “Just an apology.”

“Smeg!” Lister reached into the other man’s light form and pulled his lightbee in close, he cradled it like he did when he saw it crack, “I need you, man, I need you. You keep me sane. The way you get angry at me over the littlest of things keeps me going. I’ve missed you getting smegged off at the things I do. Our late night conversations where we act like adults for a change. I smegging love you.” His voice broke.

“Hey, it’s okay Listy. I… I love you too.” 

The pair stood in the sleeping-quarter’s ‘hugging’ for what felt like ages. They both had longed for the other for so long they hadn’t realised how much they depended on each other.


	3. Serum (pt.1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Boys on the Dwarf find a ship aimlessly floating in space, they decide to explore it. Unfortunately from Rimmer, things always seem to go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!! This is a lil mini series that's going in. It's 3 chapters in total and then we'll resume the normal type.
> 
> I just wanna say, in my writing I put A LOT of hugging/hugs. So usually there is at least one in each piece.
> 
> Enjoy!

The boys on the Dwarf stood assembled as they docked next to the entrance to a ship they had found floating through space, ready to board. The four stood back as the doors opened, revealing the empty, lifeless corridors. 

“What does your scan say, Krytes?” Lister looked over at the Android.

“It appears to be fine, no signs of any life-forms here. It’s strange, this ship should be filled with people. They were practicing experiments here, on a serum that could de-age a person.” The Android turned to him and then looked around the area of the ship that was visible, “My readings are telling me it’s safe.”

“Alright, here’s the plan. Krytes and I are gonna search the higher decks of the ship. You two are going to search the lower decks.” Lister instructed Rimmer and Cat.

“Why do I have to go with Cat?” 

“Why do I have to go with Goal Post Head?”

“Because I’m going with Kryten.” Lister watched Cat accept his fate and boarded the other ship, he ignored Rimmer’s painful smile. 

“Let’s go, Sir.” Kryten boarded, leaving Lister alone with Rimmer.

“Lister, please can I go with you--”

“Why are you being so difficult?” The words sounded as if they’d slapped Rimmer across the face.

“I just.. I don’t feel that great.. You know..” He tried to explain, “It’s fine, just leave it.” He grumbled and followed the route Cat took.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lower decks of the ship were dark and for some reason they were emitting off a burning heat, which caused Cat to complain even more than before. It was so hot even his hard-light form was struggling. He ran his fingers into his sweaty curls and looked around.

The pair looked around the rooms, they were all badly trashed and a red light glew lonesomely. Eventually, they came across a room which was almost like a laboratory. In the centre there was a tall mechanism that had arms branching off of it. Rimmer looked around the room cautiously as he approached the robot. It was covered in dust and had begun to rust. 

“Isn’t it fantastic?” He grinned as he walked around it, “I don’t know what it does but it must’ve been an amazing machine.” He ran his fingers down the side of it.

“It isn’t shiny, non-bud, it’s rusty and frankly disgusting!” Cat kicked the machine and it started to make a whirring noise. The room filled with a blinding light and the machine came to life. Arms began to grab beakers off of tables and liquids began to pour.

“CAT?! What have you done?!” Rimmer ducked as an arm went to grab him. He ran towards Cat, getting ready to grab him and pull him to safety, but the next thing they both knew, they were being grabbed and hoisted upwards. The machine produced metal wires which firmly held them in place. They snaked around his body, causing a weird static feeling that tickled his skin. He tried to turn himself to soft-light but no matter what he did, his body was still hard-light and was still floating up in the air, firmly gripped, practically being crushed.

“LISTER?!” He screamed at the top of his lungs as a claw began to cut away his collar, “LISTER?! PLEASE HELP ME!” He felt tears prickling at the corner of his eyes and managed to look over at Cat who was having the same done to him, he felt a sharp pain in his neck and everything went black.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The upper decks were cool. They had a gentle breeze past relaxing Lister. There was a weird minty smell, like everything was perfectly clean. He didn’t think of it much, though. They walked through the floors, searching each room, it reminded him of an insane asylum. All of the walls and ceilings were pitch white and spotless. All of the beds were still made, it was if they walked in and it was a normal day for whoever lived aboard this ship. 

“Look at this, sir!” Kryten called from down the hallway. He swiftly made his way to the sound of the call where he found Kryten holding a broken android, “oh a poor soul. He must’ve kept this place clean, even when no one was here.”

Lister was vaguely reminded of when they found Kryten aboard the Nova 5, on how he was insistent that three of his superiors were still alive, how he kept the place spotless. “What happened to the crew?”

“I don’t know, sir. We should keep looking.” Kryten suggested as they continued to walk around the decks. The smell of fresh mint slowly began to die and it was replaced by the smell of death itself. 

“Krytes… what’s that smell?” Lister whined, “It’s horrible.”

“Sir, I believe it to be the smell of… rotting flesh.”

“Yeh what?” He frowned.

“My nasal programme is telling me it’s coming from this room here.” Kryten walked towards the only closed door in the whole corridor and opened it. The stench was unreal. It hit Lister like a fist to the stomach.

“Oh SMEG.” He put his hand over his mouth and began to cough and splutter, “What is in there?” He walked away, gagging and retching. 

Kryten entered the room and was gone for what felt like ten minutes. When he re-emerged he stood straightly, “The crew.”

As Lister pulled himself together and reached the doorway, bracing himself.

“LISTER!” He barely heard it. He wasn’t even sure if it was real but he turned his head to look anyway.

“Ya hear that?” Lister looked at Kryten and began to walk down the hallway from where they came from.

“LISTER?! PLEASE HELP ME!” The voice echoed down the corridor.

“Oh smeg! RIMMER!” He shouted back. He didn’t realise it until he came speeding around a corner that he was actually running. He ran down a flight of stairs and through corridors, the 'sunshine' was replaced by an emitting red glow until he entered a laboratory with a burning white light, like the one upstairs.

“SERUM LOW. PLEASE RELOAD.” The machine bellowed through the room.

Lister stared up at Cat who was squirming in the grip of a load of cables, a needle about a metre away from his neck. Then his attention came to the bundle on the floor. Sat hugging his knees, Rimmer cradled himself in the middle of the room.

"SERUM LOW. PLEASE RELOAD."

"I ain't refilling you!" Cat squirmed.

“Rimmer?!” Lister ran towards him and moved his hand quickly to try and help him up, his plan did not go well.

“No! I’m sorry! Don’t hit me… please!” He flinched.

“I’m not going to hit you…” He knelt down next to him, “Why would I hit you…?”

“Hey, Buds, are you gonna get me down?” Cat squealed from up above.

“I’ll get you down Sir!” Kryten ran over to the control panel on the west side of the machine.

“Rimmer? Speak to me Rimmer.” Lister went to touch his shoulder but he flinched away.

“I didn’t do anything… please don’t hit me.” He whimpered.

“I’m not going to, smegging, hit you!” He snapped and instantly regretted it as he watched the man cower away. This was the guy that smiled through an insult, whined over the smallest things, got angry over little things and never once shed a tear. Sure he was depressed and low at times, but he never made a scene of it. He’d just got on with it. What was in front of him, was like a deer in headlights, he was weak and defenseless. 

“I’m sorry.” Rimmer bowed his head

“No.. No, don’t apologise. Do you know who I am?” Lister stared into the Hologram’s innocent eyes. He felt like he was being stabbed as the Hologram hesitantly shook his head.

“No… Pwease don’t be angry. I trying to remember.” He whimpered, “Don’t hit me, pwease. I should know it. Pwease don’t lock me away… I’ll try harder.” tears streamed down his cheeks, disappearing into nothing.

Lister bit his lip and turned his head away, “I’m Dave Lister. Can you say that?” He looked back at his best friend, he could see how frightened he was. He didn’t even know if he could say his name, with the state he was in.

“Dave… Lister… Listy?” He started to uncurl slightly, “Listy?”

“Yes! Yes! You did it! That’s me!” Another stab to the chest, “Is it okay if I touch you, Arnie?” He tried to sound strong.

Rimmer nodded back at him, that’s all he needed. Lister flung his arms around him and held him closely, he heard the sobs and felt the frail hands cling to him from behind.

“I remember you.. Listy..”

“You do?”

“Protect.. Listy.” He sniffled.

“You’re gonna take a break from that, okay? I’m going to protect you instead, is that okay?”

“Love Listy.” His grip grew tighter.

“Wha?” Lister turned his head to look at the mass of gelled curls next to him, he ran his fingers through the other man’s hair and gently helped him to his feet. “We’re going to get you back to Red Dwarf, okay?” He looked over at Cat who was trying to decrease his suit, “Stay here, okay?” Lister gently let go of Rimmer who stood with his hands clasped together, like a lost child, oh smeg. He couldn’t bear to look at him.

“We’ve got to get Rimmer back on board the Dwarf.” He turned to look at Kryten.


	4. Serum (pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister begins looking after the mentally de-aged Rimmer. He finds out a lot of smeg that normal Rimmer buried in the depths of his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're doing well. It's 01:25 as I type this and I'm also writing another fic for this series. This is part 2 (if ya haven't guess already) and once again we have huggggsssss!!!
> 
> Enjoy!

“I’m tired, Listy… I want to sleep.” Rimmer whispered as Lister gently guided him down a corridor.

“You’re going to be able to sleep, Rimsy, just let me get you back to the sleeping quarters.” 

The room was just as they’d left it that morning, Rimmer’s bunk being clean and pristine whilst Lister’s looked like a pig-sty. Lister helped Rimmer sit on the bed and went to find his pyjamas. Since he’d become hard-light, he changed like a normal person. When he looked back at the bed he saw Rimmer sitting staring at a picture of the two. He tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, leaning in closer to the picture, mesmerised. 

“Rimmy, do you think you can get changed yourself?” He carefully passed the pyjamas to the other man, who nodded, “Okay that’s good.” He sat on the edge of the bed, making sure Rimmer was okay. It hurt to see him with the mentality of a five year old.

“That’s me.” He nodded at the picture.

“Yeah… it is you. You and I.”

Rimmer sat down on the bed and stared at Lister, he reached out and hugged him. Lister held him in his arms, this was going to kill him, “Hey… lemme tuck you in… okay?” he put on a brave voice as he watched the Hologram scramble into bed. He stood up and pressed a kiss against Rimmer’s forehead, just above his ‘H’. He ran his fingers down his face and stroked his cheek, “sleep tight.” He pulled the duvet up to his chin and smiled at him as he left the room.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lister found Kryten in the medi-bay going through records. “Hey Krytes, whatcha lookin’ at?”

The Mechanoid looked startled and turned around quickly, “Oh Sir! You scared me! I’m just looking at the effects of the serum that was injected into Mr Rimmer.” 

Lister sat down next to the android and looked at the computer, “so what does it say?”

“It’s not permanent. That has been stated quite vigorously. It wears off after a week or so.”

“Right and what does it actually do?” 

“It was meant to be a de-ager. You were meant to return to your youth but the scientists working on the serum made a mistake somewhere and it mentally de-aged people. I believe that the crew died because they were all injected and were unable to take care of themselves and because the androids didn’t know how to look after them.”

Lister sat in thought for a moment, “Why does Rimmer think I’m going to hit him all the time?”

“Well if his mental age has been lowered to that of a child, he may have suffered abuse or trauma which may lead him to act and react to what he was used to behaving like.” Kryten said, rather sternly. 

“Listy…” A voice whimpered from the doorway.

Kryten and Lister both looked over to see Rimmer hugging himself, and stood with swollen eyes looking at Lister.

“Hey, Rimsy, you alright?” Lister stood up and walked over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He flinched at first and moved away slightly, “Hey, hey. It’s okay, I’m going to take you back to bed now, okay? Kryte we’ll finish this in the morning.”

“Okay, Sir.”

Rimmer sniffled as they walked down the dark corridor, “Please don’t lock me in the dark…” his grip on himself tightened.

“No, of course not. I’m going to tuck you back in.” Lister stroked his hair as they reached the sleeping-quarters, once again.

Rimmer went over to the bed and sat crossed legged, staring at the floor, tears rolling down his face, “Did you have a nightmare?” Lister knelt down in front of him and wiped away the tears. Rimmer nodded at him.

“Sorry…” He whispered as he cowered further into the bunk.

“Don’t apologise, it’s not your fault that you had a nightmare.” Lister shuffled a little closer to the bunk.

“Daddy says it is my fault. That I’m a ba… ba…” He tried to say a word but continuously failed. Lister knew what he was trying to say and it made him wince.

“No you’re not.” He finally got onto the bed and sat, also legs crossed, facing Rimmer. He gently reached out, he watched him flinch a little and then curiously move closer to his hand. Lister carefully ran his knuckles down his cheek, he watched as the Hologram seemed mesmerised by the sensation on his cheek.

“Where are Mummy and Daddy?” He asked after a while. Lister didn’t know what to say, he suddenly felt a wave of panic rush over him, what was he meant to say?

“Erm… In a better place.” He finally answered, not knowing what to say. Rimmer shuffled closer to him and stared into his eyes. 

“I’m missing… something.” He began to tear up, “Listy, I missing.” he started to cry.

Lister pulled him into a hug, cradling him, “shhh…” he felt the other man shudder against him. After a while the tears turned to snores, Lister knew it was too late to move. He lay back and reached up, pulling his own duvet down to cover the pair.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Lister woke up, he was in the bunk by himself. He’d lost Rimmer. He sat up quickly and looked around the room, he was shocked by the sight.

Cat stood gently brushing Rimmer’s hair, adding little dabs of gel and styling it how he usually had it. Rimmer was eating a bowl of cereal quite contently. 

“Cat?” Lister rubbed his eyes.

“Listy!” Rimmer beamed a smile at him, he looked much better this morning.

“Oh hey bud!” Cat grinned as he closed a tub of gel.

“What’s going on?” Lister nodded at Rimmer who was quickly eating his cereal.

“I felt kinda bad about yesterday… I mean Goal-Post Head can be a bit of a git, but yesterday, the machine asked which person was to be injected first, and he said it was to be him. He took whatever that stuff was so I wouldn't have to!” 

Rimmer abruptly stood up and tackled Lister with a hug. He was a lot more cheery this morning. He wrapped himself around Lister and hugged him with all the strength that he had.

Cat put his hand over his mouth to stop himself from laughing out loud, “I’ll leave you two to whatever you’re doing.” He slid out of the room like a shadow.

“Feeling better, Rim?”

“Mhm!” 

“Sleep well?”

“Mhm!”

Lister was slightly confused by this outbreak of happiness. He expected the Hologram to remain melancholy and depressed, expected him to be scared of everything. Instead he was bouncing up and down like a yo-yo. Lister moved his hand, he didn’t mean for it to be fast but it was. Rimmer quickly tensed up and flinched.

“Smeg! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to move my arm like that.” He stroked Rimmer’s arm.

The Hologram slowly began to untense and rested his forehead against Lister’s neck. They sat intertwined for a few minutes until Kryten came into the room.

“Oh sir, I thought--” Kryten was cut off by Rimmer whimpering.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s only Kryten.” Lister tried to comfort him.

“Robot..” He sobbed out.

“Kryten, I’ll meet you in the drive room. Just give me a min.”

The Mechanoid nodded and quickly left the room.

“Why are you crying?” Lister whispered.

“Robot.” Hazel eyes looked into his. He could see pain and fear. 

“Kryten is our friend.” Lister began, “Do you want to go find Cat? I need to speak to Kryten.”

“Oh.. okie..” Rimmer unwrapped himself and stood up. “Don’t be too long… please.” 

“I won’t, I’ll come and get you.”


	5. Serum (pt.3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last part of the mini series "Serum".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! How are you all doing? So this is part 3 to the mini series. I have loads more fics for you all, so don't worry! My laptop is dying for some reason so I'm having to write the fic on my phone (it's a pain in the arse). Well anyway, enough about me and enjoy the fic! <3

“Everything alright, Krytes?” Lister leant against the wall.

“Erm.. Yes. I was just going to say that I can try and find a quicker anti-dote. If you would like me to. I brought back some of the serum and I might be able to mutate it.” The Android stared at him.

“You can?! That'd be great. I know it’s only a week but this is going to drive me insane. He’s so scared. One minute he’s bouncing about and the next he’s hiding in a corner.”

“Oi Dave.” Holly appeared on screen, “I just went through Arnold’s memory storage, to find out why he’s worried about being hit a lot of the time.”

The mood suddenly died, “Go on.” Lister glanced at Kryten then back at Holly.

“It seemed he received a lot of physical abuse from his father and older brothers. Ranging from beating to locking him in rooms and cupboards.”

Lister winced, “Thanks, Hol…”

“No problemo.” He disappeared from the screen 

“I’ll go get started on the anti-dote.” Kryten left the room quickly.

Lister stood with his hand over his mouth, disgusted. How could someone do such things to a five year old? A small child who hadn’t done a single thing wrong in their life? He pushed the thought to the very back of his mind and decided to go find Cat and Rimmer.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Bud!” Cat grabbed him and said, “I lost him!”

“What the smeg?”

“Goal-Post Head! One minute he was standing behind me, the next he was gone!” Cat gripped his shoulders.

“Ow! Oh smeg. We’ve lost him.” Lister as fast as he could, looking in all the places Rimmer usually hung out in.

“Dave have you checked the Observatory Tower?” Holly appeared on the nearest screen to Lister.

“No… I haven’t! Thank you!” He ran for it. He threw himself up the metal steps until he saw the frail Hologram sat staring out. “Rimmer!”

The Hologram turned to look at him, “Listy?” He uncurled and shuffled around so he was facing Lister.

“Are you alright?” Lister cautiously knelt down beside Rimmer and stroked his hair, careful not to move his arm too fast. Rimmer nodded.

“Robot.”

“Did Kryten scare you?” 

“Mhm.” He nodded again. Lister opened his arms, Rimmer leant in and hugged him tightly, “I sorry for getting scared, Listy.”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s alright. It’s not your fault.” He rubbed circles onto his back. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the next few days, Lister spent every waking hour watching Rimmer and every sleeping hour entangled with the Hologram, making sure he wasn’t having nightmares. He was enjoying the feeling of being hugged. Cat was a massive help. He styled Rimmer’s hair and showed him his shiny things. He helped make sure he was fed too. The only person to not take part was Kryten. He spent most days cleaning other areas of the ship, or working on the anti-dote.

A week after the incident, Lister, once again, woke up to an empty bed. He looked around and couldn’t see the Hologram anywhere. “Rimmer?” He sat up.

He looked around the room but couldn’t see him. He definitely fell asleep with him last night. Something seemed off about the room, anyway. Then the doors to the sleeping-quarters opened. Rimmer came in with a tray of breakfast and a teapot. He looked up and smiled.

“Ah Lister! Awake at last, I see.” He placed the tray down on the table. Lister threw himself off of the bed and grabbed him tightly into a hug.

“Oh smegging hell! You’re you again! You’re going to go back to being a git!” He pressed a kiss against his cheek.

Rimmer didn’t fight the hug, instead he melted into it. Holding him back. He remembered most of being a 5 year old. He owed Lister everything he had, “I’m so sorry…” he sniffled.

“Don’t apologise… It’s not like you.” Lister laughed and kissed his face over and over again.

Rimmer pulled back slightly and looked him in the eyes, he leant in and smashed their lips together. His hand slid up Lister’s shirt and he pressed him into him.

“Kryten came and woke me up… To test out the antidote and et voila!” He grinned.

“I’m glad it worked… and anyway, I think I’ve got rather used to you sleeping with me… I’m sure we can do it again.” Lister whispered into his ear.

“Sounds like a great idea.” Rimmer grinned.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pair lay in bed for the rest of the day, they had eaten breakfast and just lay there intertwined in each other’s limbs. Lister loved the feeling of the Hologram’s skin against his: the way his thighs pressed against his own, how his fingers gripped onto his forearms, how his tongue swiveled around his mouth and how his palms traced down his naked body. Lister hadn’t slept so well for a long time.

The next day was great. Cat had been excited to see Rimmer and even called him Bud once or twice. Rimmer went back to being the same smeghead as always, but he was a lot more light hearted. Kryten was pleased to see Rimmer back to his usual self but seemed slightly pissed off, he had to get used to being bossed around again. Holly was glad to see Rimmer back as well, he made sure he had everything he needed. 


	6. He's better than me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Ace Rimmer graces them with his presence, Rimmer is left feeling useless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who should be doing some final revision for exams.... Me! And guess who instead is posting and writing a fic.... Me!
> 
> Hello everyone! Hope you're all doing well, I'd just like to say, Happy Pride Month! To all those part of the LGBTQ+!
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the story!

"So, you’re telling me, Goal-Post Head was bothered by the sexy, brave version of himself’s sexuality?” Cat laughed as he adjusted his leg.

“Why the smeg was he bothered?” Lister took a long drag from the cigarette.

“I don’t know Sir. He was certain his better self would be well… homosexual.” Kryten apprehensively responded. He had accidentally mentioned Rimmer’s annoyance in a conversation about Ace and Lister made him tell them it all.

“He’s obviously just jealous his sexy self could get whoever the hell he wanted! Goal-Post Head is a revolting sight to look at. He’s putrefying! His style is atrocious and he is boring!” Cat spat, “I wish we had the sexy one. Then we could throw Goal-Post Head’s lightbee out into space.”

“Great to know.” Rimmer stood in the doorway, a smile beaming on his face, “Great to smegging know.”

“Oh sir! I didn’t want to tell them!” Kryten protested.

“It’s fine, Kryten. Tell them everything you want to, why should it bother me?” He painfully responded.

“Rimmer, come on man, we didn’t mean it.” Lister stood up, Rimmer took a step back.

“First you plan to go on a fishing trip without me, then you spend the whole day attending to ‘Ace’s’ every need and now you finally want me gone. I’ll gladly do it.” He smiled, walking away.

“Cat! Look what ya’ve done!” Lister followed after the Hologram.

“It wasn’t my fault he was listening.” Cat shouted after him.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lister quickly found the hologram. He sat on the floor with his hands over his face, sobbing, “You’re utterly useless, Rimmer. That’s what they’ve always said and they’ve always been right. No one will miss you. No one will love you. You’re a bastard.” He cried out and smashed his fist against himself, “Holly.” He snapped.

Holly’s face appeared on the screen, “What’d you want Arnold?”

“You too!” He whined, “Switch me off. Permanently. Then throw my lightbee into space, I don’t want to be here.”

“You sure?”

“Of course I’m smegging sure!”

“But then you won't have completed your task.” For someone with no emotion, she sounded worried.

“He doesn’t need me. He has Cat and Kryten to keep him sane. I’ve failed, Holly. Now switch me off, that’s an order.”

Lister appeared from his hiding spot from behind the door, “WAIT!” He shouted and ran over to the control panel, facing the screen, “Don’t turn him off! Please!” 

“Lister?! What the smeg do you think you’re doing?” He shouted through tears.

“Rimmer, don’t switch yourself off.” Lister knelt down a few feet away, “you never cry--” he reached out. Rimmer yanked his head back.

“Oh sod off. I’m just doing what I do best.” He snarled.

“What’s that..?”

“Running away from a situation. It’s called being pathetic.” He smiled and bit his mouth shut.

“I’m really sorry man… we didn’t mean it.”

“SHUT UP.” He screeched, “You meant every word of it. Don’t pretend you didn’t. I’m a useless git who ruins peoples lives. I’m a bastard!” He screamed in Lister’s face, watching him wince as he raised his voice.

“No you’re not!” He shouted back in return.

“Stop pretending I’m something I’m not. I’m just a sad bastard who will always disappoint people. I’m nothing!” Rimmer shouted, raising his voice even louder, “I can’t be you’re Ace! I can’t sweep you off your feet, I can’t fix Starbug, I can’t perform a surgery! Name one thing I can do that impresses you enough to care.” pain riddled his voice.

Lister bit his lip, desperately trying to think.

“Nothing. Nothing at all is there?” Rimmer smiled back at him as he stepped away, “Holly please resume.” 

“Holly don’t! I can name one thing you’re fantastic at. Something you do better than Cat and Kryten.” Lister quickly spoke.

Rimmer raised his head to look back at him, “Being a dick?” 

“No! You’re the only person who gives me a reason to keep going! You’re the closest thing I have to another human being.”

Rimmer shut his eyes slowly, “Wish that was more persuasive.” He bit his lip again, stood up and got ready to order Holly.

“Rimmer, I need you. Without you, I would’ve lost all sanity. I would’ve killed myself or something.” Lister pleaded, also getting to his feet.

“You don’t need me.” Tears rolled down his cheeks and disappeared into nothingness. 

“I do Rimmer. I really, really, really do.” Lister watched as he shook his head sadly.

The pair stood staring at each other. “Help…” Rimmer whispered under his breath.

Lister ran forward and grabbed the tiny lightbee from inside Rimmer’s projection. It was burning but that didn’t bother him, he pressed his lips against it and wrapped his fingers around it, pulling it close to him, his fingers began to burn.

“Stop it! You’re going to hurt yourself!” Rimmer cried out as he appeared partially through Lister’s body.

“I don’t care. You’ve gone through enough pain, just let me take a little from you.” His body had goosebumps all over as static from Rimmer’s projection glitched through him, “I have a question…”

“Mhm?” 

“Why were you so bothered by Ace’s sexuality?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Rimmer pulled himself back, slightly, even though Lister couldn’t feel it.

“No… Not at all.”

“I expected, if he was more outgoing and… brave and accepting… No let me rephrase myself. I thought he would have the same sexuaity as me.”

“Well he does, don’ he?” Lister’s brow furrowed.

“I expected him to have accepted it, flaunt it, if it was the same. It clearly isn’t.”

Lister’s eyes widened, “Are you telling me… that you were bothered because you thought he was going to be all brave and smeg about you being… being…”

“If it disgusts you, just say it.” Rimmer sighed.

“No! No, no! It just makes so much more sense!” 

“It does?”

“Yes! It makes perfect sense. The way you always seem touchy when we talk about women, the way you use so much product on your hair.” Lister grinned.

“You’re… You’re not disgusted?”

“No! Of course I’m not disgusted!”

Rimmer was speechless, “Everyone I’ve ever met has been disgusted. My father used to do checkups on me to make sure I wasn’t taking interest in any other males. He caught me once… We were snogging and he grabbed me, beat the shit out of me in front of the lad.”

Lister frowned slightly, “We’ll smeg your father. I don’t care what he thinks about you, because you’re great.”

“Thanks.” Rimmer faintly smiled

“Wanna come mess with Cat?”

Rimmer looked down at the other man, wiping his tears away as his weak smile turned into a mischievous grin, “sure.”


	7. Don't beat yourself up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post "Terrorform" 
> 
> Rimmer tries to turn down Lister's attempt at reaching out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're doing well. I've just finished an exam and thought I'd post a fic to help me relax a bit :). No Smut warning for this fic! Perfectly safe. Just a lot of cuteness, if you don't mind me saying so!
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer watched as everyone exited Starbug. Cat shot him a dirty look and Kryten didn't even look back. He followed a few feet behind Lister as they went to their bunk room. Lister scrambled up onto his bed and slumped down.

“What a day.” He groaned into his pillow. Rimmer didn’t respond, instead he sat down at the table and put his head in his hands. Lister lifted his head and looked down at the sad Hologram, “You okay?”

“Do I look like I’m smegging okay?” He snapped back in response. “I nearly got everyone killed. Maybe I should become a ‘nearly homicidal maniac’, I seem to be good at nearly getting people killed.”

“Hey look… we all saw what happened today… in your head… just don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Oh wow! Why didn’t I think of that?! Rimmer! Stop being hard on yourself!” He lifted his head so his eye roll was visible, then reburied his face.

“You can talk to me--” Lister started to suggest before he was cut off.

“No I can’t.” He hissed, “You don’t need to know. It’s none of your business.”

“Rimmer, if you’re going through smeg as bad as that. Smeg that was going to kill you, you need to talk to me.”

“I don’t need to do anything. I’m fine. I’ve put up with it for this long, I can last a little longer. Leave it and that’s an order.”

“You’re Self-Loathing again.” Lister sat up, ignoring his order.

“So? What about it?”

“Rimmer, earlier, you were practically committing suicide! You hate yourself so much and won’t accept help from anyone. You’re just letting it eat you.” 

“You wouldn’t understand. Everything Kryten listed was right.” His fingers snaked around the sides of his face and gripped onto his hair, giving it a sharp tug. “My parents despised me. My older brothers were far more attractive, they were smarter and something to be proud of. I’m just a mess.”

“Hey! Stop that!” Lister watched him as he continued to pull his hair, “Cut it out! Rimmer! You’re going to hurt yourself. And anyway, you’re not a mess.”

Rimmer scoffed and looked up at him and then back down at the table, “Yes, I am.” He unwrapped his hands from his curls and leant back in the chair, staring at his empty bunk. “That was the point.” he spoke at last.

“Rimmer, please, talk to me. Don’t beat yourself up.” He slid off of his bunk and pulled out the chair opposite Rimmer.

“It’s a punishment, Lister, I’m punishing myself, you git.” He snapped. “I deserve to d-- be switched off and destroyed.” 

“No ya don’t! You’re being punished enough.”

“I’m not!” His voice broke, “not enough---”

“RIMMER. Listen to me for one smegging second. You’re going through some real smeg, okay? Admit it. You need someone to help you, let me do it, please. No one deserves to go through that. Even you.”

Rimmer looked him dead in the eyes, “I’m just a dead man walking.” He stood and went over to his bed, laying down facing away from Lister. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lister was woken up by a static feeling going through his face, “hmugh?” 

“Lister…” A quiet voice squeaked from beside him.

“What’d ya want.” He groaned, acknowledging Rimmer.

“I’m sorry…” 

“You woke me up, just to apologise?” he rubbed his eye with the base of his palm, “couldn't this have waited til the morning?”

“Yes and no…” Rimmer’s voice was extremely low.

“Wha?” He squinted to try and see his face.

“Can we... Can we talk?” he paused, “Wait a minute… no… it’s fine… go back to sleep.” He grumbled and disappeared back under the bunk. A few moments in dead silence went by until Lister finally spoke.

“It’s too late, smeghead, ya’ve woken me up now.” He swung his legs over and gently pushed himself down. He vaguely saw the outline of Rimmer sat with a holographic blanket around him. He threw himself down next to him, sitting up and pressing his back against the wall.

“I keep waking up… nightmares.” He sighed, “usually I can ignore them… tonight they’re so much more vivid.” He pulled the blanket tighter around him.

“No wonder, considering the day you’ve had. You’ve seen that smeg in reality, now it seems like everything is real life.” He shuffled a little closer, “lay down, Rim, try and fall asleep while I’m here.”

“I’m not scared of falling asleep it’s just… I just don’t want to be alone…” He blushed a little.

“You askin’ me to sleep with ya?” Lister chuckled, sleepily.

“No! Of course not.” 

“I’m just pulling ya leg. Come on, snuggle up.” He teased and lied down with a grin across his face, he pulled his own duvet down and covered himself. Rimmer hesitantly lay next to him. Lister’s eyes had adjusted to the dark and he could see the hazel eyes staring back at him. “I meant it.”

“Hm?” Rimmer snapped back to reality, “meant what?”

“What I said on Starbug… when we were sinking. I did mean it, I really did. Anyway, get some sleep, I know I need some.” He yawned and closed his eyes. He could feel the hologram’s presence relax.

Rimmer stared at the sleeping Scouser next to him. He didn’t expect him to try and help him, even though he’d insisted earlier that day. He smiled weakly and fell asleep to the gentle rhythm of Lister’s breathing.


	8. You'd understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer's past gets disrupted when Kryten accidently finds a few memories he buried long ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Hope you're doing great! This fic is pretty dark compared to the rest so I'm going to do a trigger warning.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING**
> 
> The wifi connection at my house will be down so I'm not sure when I'll be able to post next :(
> 
> Anyway, Enjoy!

“Cat?” Lister walked into the driveroom and put his hands on his hips.

“You seen Rimmer anywhere?” Lister yawned. He had been looking for the Hologram for the past hour after he thought he saw him crying.

“Nope. Wherever he is, I try to avoid going there.” Cat shuddered, “Have you checked the diesel decks?”

“Yes, I’ve been all the way down. I’ve asked Kryten and Holly. I can’t think of anywhere--” He abruptly stopped, “Oh for smegs sake.”

“What is it, bud?”

“Observatory Deck…” He groaned and left the room.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Lister approached the top step, the sound of his heartbeat was drowned out by sobs, “Rimmeh?” He came around the corner, to see the Hologram hugging his knees, shaking. “Oh smeg. Rimmer. You alright?” He rushed over and dropped down beside him.

“F-- F-- Fine…” He managed.

“You’re not fine.” He placed a hand out on his shoulder, “It’s alright, take a deep breath.”

“I don’t need your help, Lister! I’m fine!” He cried out in agony and continued to violently shake, “Go away! You’re-- You’re making things worse!” 

“How am I making things worse?! I’m trying to smeggin’ help ya!”

“Lister, I. AM. F--- F-- FINE!”

“Rimmeh!”

The Hologram winced, “I-- I-- I’m-- I’m used to-- to-- to panic at-- at-- attacks.” His arm violently shaking under Lister’s touch.

“I’ve never seen you have one before.”

“I always--- always go-- go to a different room-- room--- when I f--- f-- feel like I’m--- I’m-- I’m going to have-- have one.” 

“I would’ve helped ya! You know I would’ve! Smegs sake Rimmer.”

“I-- I-- I don’t want you-- you to worry.”

“Well I am worrying!” He moved his hand away as the shaking increased. Rimmer let out another sob.

“I’m s-- so-- s--- sorry-- you don’t--- don’t need more things to-- to worry--- about.” His stern voice broke through the sobs, “Leave-- leave me alone, and-- and-- and that’s-- that’s an ord-- order!”

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Come on Rimmer. Let me help you for smegs sake.”

“You-- You’re-- You’re going on- on report, M-- M’iladdo.” He struggled, still stuttering, shaking, breathing heavily and crying.

“Oh smegs Rimmer.” Lister reached out and gently touched his cheek, “What the smeg set this off?”

“Kryten,” He took a deep breath and crushed his eyes closed, “accidently found some of my old memories… smeg from the past. Dug up some stuff.” His shaking subsided for a couple of seconds as he gave a proud look over the fact he didn’t stutter at all during that sentence, the feeling was short lived and he was back shaking again.

“Hey, it’s alright.” Lister cautiously wrapped his arms around Rimmer. He expected him to fight it and push it away, instead he pressed back into Lister and continued his panic attack. Bit by bit it began to calm slowly, until he was only slightly shaking and gasping for air. “You’re doing great, okay?” Lister murmured. 

“Lister…”

“Mhm?”

“I want--- want you to see-- to see the memories, for yourself.” He sniffled.

“Ya what? Are you serious?” Lister gasped in shock.

“Yes… You-d-- You’d understand.”

“Okay… Erm.. Do you want me to take you to the sleeping quarters?” He rubbed Rimmer’s shoulder affectionately.

“It’s alright,” he sharply inhaled, “I’ll b- be alright.”

“If ya say so…” Lister stood up and descended down the metal stairs. He could hear Rimmer’s panicked breaths level out. He made his way to the Hologram Projection Room. They didn’t go in there often since Rimmer had become hard light but Kryten still cleaned it. He plonked down in the chair and stared at the screen and keyboard in front of him. It was already on, like a desktop. He clicked onto an icon labeled “search” and typed in ‘memories’. Up, loaded a file saying “memories” which Lister apprehensively clicked. A few more files appeared and Lister took the time to read their names.

‘Boarding School.’

‘Exams’

‘Red Dwarf Crew Members’

‘Court’

‘Childhood’

Lister’s finger hovered over the screen as he saw a subtitle below.

‘Commonly Accessed’

Underneath one file remain,

‘Lister’

Lister shook his head and tapped onto the screen. A set of documents appeared in chronological order, a few were highlighted in red with a ‘recently accessed’ caption next to them. Lister clicked onto the first one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 12 year old Arnold J. Rimmer was sat in his bedroom shaking, 

“YOU FAIRY.” The door gave a loud crashing noise as fists were obviously pounding against the door, “YOU PONCY, POOFY, FAIRY LITTLE BASTARD!” The door came flying open and Arnold’s dad came running in. He grabbed Arnold by the lapels of his blazer and flung him against the wall, “YOU WERE HOLDING HANDS WITH ANOTHER BOY, WERE YOU NOT?!”

“Dad--”

“SIR TO YOU.” A slap across the face.

“Sir… I- I- We’re just friends… We were talking about---”

“DON’T GIVE ME ANY OF YOUR EXCUSES. YOU’VE BEEN SENT HOME BECAUSE YOU’RE A QUEER!” Another slap.

“Sir! I’m not--”

“SAVE IT.” He kicked Arnold in the shin and stormed out.

Arnold curled up on the floor, tears rolling down his cheeks. His room had no carpeting, just a concrete floor. His room was on the far corner of the house, the cellars were directly below him. 

“Crying, are you?” A snide voice came from above him.

“J- John…?”

“You’re unfit to say my name.” He spat on him, “You nancy.”

Arnold cried and pulled himself in tighter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lister stared at the screen in horror, no one should ever call their child those names. He loaded up the next video, a burning anger growing in the pit of his stomach.

“Holly… What the hell…”

Holly appeared on the screen next to him, “You called?”

“How the smeg does Rimmer put up with this?”

“He doesn’t really cope. He copes unhealthily, say, self harm, starvation, anything that doesn’t catch your attention.”

Lister winced. He felt like shit after watching that video but he knew he had to keep going, “play the next one, Hol.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Please! Stop it! You’re hurting me!” Arnold was slightly older here but he was being grabbed by two of his older brothers, the other standing in the doorway laughing, they repeatedly beat him. His father entered the room and they instantly stopped.

“Bastard.” He silently screamed at Arnold.

“I’m so sorry--”

“BASTARD.”

Arnold flinched and pulled himself to his feet.

“I saw you kiss that lad myself. Not only was he under the influence of alcohol, you kissed him.” Rimmer sr screamed, grabbing Arnold’s curls and yanking them as he dragged him to the basement.

“No! No! No!” Arnold screamed and cried, throwing his arms around as his father threw him down the steps. Once he reached the bottom, he let an agonising scream out and the door slammed shut, all light sources disappearing. He lay on the freezing floor and touched his right temple, “I’m bleeding..” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lister threw himself up from the chair, his hand over his mouth as tears pricked at his eyes. How could someone treat a child like this? It angered him to think about how long Rimmer had had this bottled up. 

“Not very nice, is it Dave?” Holly sighed.

“Oh god… One time, when we lost Red Dwarf, Rimmer got trapped on this world of himself for 600 years. The whole lead up to that he had been hyperventilating and I just ignored him, made it worse. If I knew he had all bottled up--”

“You didn’t know, Dave, I think he understands that.” Holly tried to comfort him. 

Finally the last ‘recently viewed’ video emerged. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Another test failed, hmm? Another?” His mother stood staring at him across the table, “You leave me with no choice, Arnold.”

“No-- No-- Mummy, please!”

“Go to your room and wait for your father to come and get you.” He didn’t need telling twice. Arnold scrambled to his feet and ran for his room as fast as his legs could take him. 

“This is it, Arnold. No more. No more.” He grabbed his dressing gown belt and flung it over a beam that supported the ceiling, he secured it and then tied it into a noose. One of the boys at school had taught a group of them before the lad went off and killed himself in the woods a few miles from the school. Arnold ran over to the writing desk in his room and grabbed a scrapped piece of paper. He wrote down the first things that came to mind, he dropped the piece of paper and stepped onto his bed, inserting his head into the loop.

He looked at his reflection across from him,

"What are you looking at?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I know everyone hates me. Getting a divorce will do nothing, no ones going to listen."

"Self harm…?" His expression darkened, "...Yes… Do you think I’m stupid enough to cut my wrists? I cut my thighs you idiot.”

Arnold slapped himself, "Why am I talking to myself? My smegging reflection. Pull yourself together, Arnold!"

"ARNOLD?"

He heard this father coming, there was no time to kill himself so he removed his head and flung the noose up on the beam. He fell to his knees and lay curled up on the bed as his father pounded on the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lister sat blubbering through tears, he couldn’t bear to see Rimmer nearly take his own life. He got up from his chair and legged it down the corridor. He ran past Cat, accidentally bumping into him, but he didn’t stop. He kept going until he thought he was going to collapse, but by then he had made it to their bunkroom. 

“Calm down, take a deep breath Dave.” Holly appeared on the screen outside of the bunkroom. 

“Mksonfdbab--” He stopped dead in his tracks and inhaled and exhaled deeply.

“Alright…” Holly, watching him calm down, opened the door, revealing Rimmer who was sitting at the table staring into space.

“Ajdnlqoqho!” He cried out, his previous cool disappearing. Staring at the Hologram, he stepped in, the door closing behind him.

“You what?” He turned his head and furrowed his brow.

Lister speed walked over to him and grabbed him, cradling him.

“Lister--”

Lister cried out and held him tighter. Before he knew it the pair were both sobbing and crying, gripping onto each other. 

“Why didn’t you tell meeee?” Lister choked and continued crying.

“I thought you’d make fun of me!” Rimmer whined.

“I would never!”

“I know!”

The pair held onto each other, their tears eventually dying down. Kryten saw them but decided not to tell them about Cat looking for Lister with a cricket bat.


	9. 4 quarters of a whole (pt.1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After scavenging a derelict, Kryten shows the other dwarfers a 'Splitter'. Things always seem to go wrong when Cat's in control.
> 
> **SMUT WARNING**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're doing well!
> 
> Today's fic is part 1 of two parts :) 
> 
> If you want to skip the smut, you'll see a bit of text after a break (the bit that's like --------) skip the text between the two lines and you should be able to carry on with out looking at the smut! :D
> 
> Enjoy!

Kryten adjusted the small device on the table, they’d found it whilst scavenging a derelict.

“So, what does it do?” Cat stared at it, it looked like your average gun but it had a little antena and a small glass dome on it.

“Well sirs, if I am correct, it’s a Splitter 2000.” Kryten proudly announced, “It’s meant to split people into their different emotions, it was an attempt to create the perfect army. The Captains would shoot at their men individually and their strongest combatial emotion would be used.”

Cat grinned and picked up the gun, he pretended to fire it at Lister, “Pew! Pew!”

“Cat! Put it down for smegs sake. We don’t know how to use it.” Lister stepped back to avoid being hit by the gun.

“I do sir, you simply point it at the person and fire.” Kryten explained.

“Hm…” Cat pointed the gun at Rimmer and fired. The hard light hologram suddenly disintegrated into small lights, his lightbee disappearing with them.

“CAT!” Lister stared at the empty space beside him and began shaking. Suddenly, four lightbees appeared and manifested into humanoid figures.

The three stepped back as the lightbees buzzed. The first to manifest was the calm and peaceful side of Rimmer. High Rimmer appeared in front of them and looked around.

“Brothers, where am I?”

“Holy smeg… Cat look what ya’ve done!” Lister groaned, the next appeared.

Holovirus Rimmer came tumbling to the ground, “You little shits!” He scrambled to his feet and smashed his hand against the table, “I hate you! I hate you all!” He desperately tried to hit High, who simply pushed him away, bumping into the next form. Holovirus Rimmer curled into a ball and began to whimper.

“So… That’s his anger, rudeness and fear...” Lister mumbled.

Ace toppled down over Holo V and stared at him, then up at Lister, “What’s going on, old man?”

“Ace!” Cat grinned, “You’re back!”

“You can bet, baby.” He winked and got to his feet, putting a hand out to help Holo V.

“Bravery, sir, along with cockiness.” Kryten whispered.

“So who’s the last one?” Cat approached the levitating lightbee and gave it a poke.

When Lister saw who stood in front of him, his legs went numb, "Oh smeg no…"

Low Rimmer folded his arms and grinned, "Well, well pretty boy. Isn't it nice to see you." He walked over to Lister and began to stroke his cheek with his gloved hand before he leant in and began to snog the man. Lister's hands flailed all over the place before Low Rimmer grabbed them and placed them on his own waist.

"OH MY GOD!" Cat cried out, shielding his eyes, "What is he doing to him Kryten?!"

Kryten stood mortified, "I-- I believe he's snogging Mr Lister…"

Lister pulled his head away after the kiss, "Who-- Who are you..?"

Low Rimmer bit his bottom lip seductively and looked him up and down, "Lust, my pretty."

"Christ… Rimmer's lust is strong." He whispered under his breath.

"All for you." He grinned, before pulling out his whip, "Why don't we go for it? Just you and I, and my holowhip."

"No! I- I need to deal with these Rimmers."

"I need to deal with these Rimmers." Holo V mimicked, "Honestly you pig headed gerbil, no wonder you're alone in space. The earth was probably glad to get rid of you!" He sneered.

"That was uncalled for." Ace put his hands on his hips and turned to face Holo V, before he knocked him out cold.

"Brothers, must we resort to fighting?" High sighed and put his hands together like he was praying.

Lister noticed Low was sniffling, "I'm sorry Listy. He-- I didn't mean to say that." He whimpered.

"You're not just lust, are you..?" Lister sighed, "You're his depression. Who's got the anxiety?" Lister rolled his eyes, looking at the other 3.

"I think he does, Skipper." Ace nodded at the sprawled out hologram on the floor, "He sounded self conscious to me, wouldn't be surprised if he's anxious as well." He gently massaged his knuckles.

"Ace you're a hero!" Cat ran up to him and flung his arms around him.

"Sir…" Kryten muttered from behind Lister.

"Yeah Krytes?"

"The gun is temporarily out of action…" He pointed at the smashed glass dome on top of it.

"So you're saying… we have to deal with 4 Rimmers until you can get it fixed?" Cat cried out.

"It appears so, sir."

"Oh smegging hell…" Lister groaned.

\----------------------------------------------

The first two days were fine ish. High spent most of the time sitting in the abandoned cafeteria, praying, Holo V had taken a liking to the Observatory Deck and Ace hung around with Cat. Then there was Low. 

Lister yawned as he opened his eyes, he instantly knew something was wrong as he sat up and looked around the room. He was in the bottom bunk and pressed up against the wall beside him, was Low.

"What the smeg?!" He moved his leg to realise he was completely naked, then everything came back to him. He cautiously lay back down.

Low groaned and shifted, his eyes fluttered open and he looked around the room before fixing a seductive stare at Lister, "Didn't know you could last that long." He moaned into his ear.

Shivers went down Lister's spine as he pressed his body against Low's. He hated the guy for what had happened with the triplicator incident but that wasn't him. This was Rimmer's lust and sadness taking form as Low. 

Low began sucking on his neck, Lister moaned out in pleasure, but the next thing he knew, they were going at it again. "Oh smeg!" 

Low thrust in hard, continuing to caress Lister's neck with his tongue. "You taste so good." He breathed against his neck.

"Don't go all vampire on me. I swear." Lister let out another moan. Low got on top of him and grinded his hips. Lister's cock was hard and it kept pressing against his groin, "You must be excited to see me." He laughed, moaning himself.

\-----------------------------------

Four days in, Lister was an absolute sexed up mess. He'd barely left the bunk room, every time he'd stand up, the same pair of hands would yank him back down into the mess of both of their duvets. Once he'd finally managed to get out, he was pleased to find Kryten.

"Oh sir! How are you?"

"Great, Krytes. Never been better."

"I haven't seen much of you… well I've HEARD much of you when I've passed by your quarters." He awkwardly laughed.

Lister went bright red and turned away, "How's the gun going?" He coughed nervously.

"All is well sir. Just needs a few more little parts and we should be able to reverse what happened."

"That's good."

"Sir, I have a question." Kryten gently put down the screwdriver that he was holding.

"Yeah, go on."

"Are you making a child with Mr Rimmer's lust?"

Lister's eyes widened and he choked, "No! Of course not! I'm not even able to get impregnated by another guy--"

"Then why do you spend every waking hour… inside each other?! Surely sex is to reproduce?"

"Yeah well… it's good for pleasure as well." Lister nervously blushed, "Is it just me or is it hot in here?"

"I don't mind it when you do have sex it's just I'll walk down the corridor and hear "Oh Rimsy thrust it in hard so I can get over to sucking your dick!" screamed out. It can be rather alarming and disturbing! He's not even Mr Rimmer! He's just one of his emotions! When all of this is over he won't take any notice of you." The mechanoid shook his head and shuddered.

Lister's mouth opened like a fish, "I erm… I'm gonna go…" He awkwardly backed out of the room. Lister legged it down the hall, until he heard voices coming from the cafeteria, he poked his head in to see Ace sat with High and Cat. Cat was obviously mesmerised by Ace's jacket and High was sitting legs crossed on a table, listening to them both patiently. Lister sighed with relief, at least some people on the ship were relaxed. He knew he had to check up on Holo V, which he'd been dreading for days.

He was ascending the steps to the Observatory Deck when he first heard Holo V.

"Oh yes Mr Flibble, you may have another cup of tea."

Lister stopped moving. He straightened himself and continued to listen.

"Your highness, I am completely aware everyone hates me. I understand completely!" He laughed.

Lister backed down the steps, that was too weird for his liking.


	10. 4 quarters of a whole (pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2nd part of "4 quarters of a whole."
> 
> **SMUT WARNING**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you're doing well! 
> 
> Feeling a little bit down today so Imma post a fic a day earlier than usual.
> 
> There is a bit of smut towards the end :)
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> (P.s I will be posting more angst soon, I have loads of them)

Lister was woken up by a gentle nudging to his right arm. He opened his eyes and looked over at Kryten who had a finger at his lips, he moved his hand as if to say 'Follow me'.

The only sound was Kryten's metal boots and the ship itself as they walked down the hallways. In Kryten's hand, he had the gun ready.

"Who're we gonna get first?"

"I think it would be best to start with Mr High Rimmer, Sir." Kryten whispered.

The pair made their way to the cafeteria where, lo and behold, High Rimmer was sat crossed legged on the table.

"I'll do it Krytes, don't worry." Lister took the gun and slid in.

"Brother, how is thee?"

"All good man. I'm going to put you back together, okay?" He fired the gun, High disappeared into nothingness but the gun shook violently in his hands for a moment before it stopped and went dead again. 

Kryten stood next to him, taking the gun out of his hands, "Who next, sir?"

Lister thought for a moment, "Ace."

"Okay, Sir."

Finding Ace was a lot harder. Both Lister and Kryten knew he was with Cat 24/7 but where Cat was? That was an impossible task. The pair searched half the ship until they found the pair crashed out in someone's old quarters.

"Make it swift." Lister muttered to himself, before firing at Ace. Watching him disintegrate. The gun, once again, shook in his hands.

"Two down, two more to go." The pair backed out of the room, careful not to wake Cat.

"Mr Low or Mr Holovirus?" Kryten turned to look at Lister.

"Erm… Holo V. He's at the Observatory Deck."

"Of course." 

The pair made their way to the deck, making sure they were dead silent. When they got to the top, they could hear Holo V ranting.

"No your Majesty, Dave Lister is a complete smeghead! And I hate him! He's messy, he never tidies up, he's slobby and he always has an insult up his sleeve!" Holo V screamed. "He makes me hate myself more than I hate him!"

Lister felt guilt take him, part of Rimmer was still hating himself and Lister was to blame. He stepped onto the deck and stared at the man in the checkered red dress infront of him.

"Lister." 

"Holo V."

"You're not getting me back." He grinned, maniacally as he put his hands on his hips, "I'll kill you first. It'll be long, painful and you'll feel every bit of it."

"Now Sir!" Kryten shouted, throwing the gun at him.

Lister caught it perfectly and fired, Holo V made an attempt to get away but it still hit him. His form turned to lights and the gun shook. It seemed to be getting hotter by the minute.

"Er Krytes…"

"Yes Sir?"

"Is it okay if I do the last one myself? You can go rest now."

"Oh of course, sir! Thank you." He scurried off back down the stairs, leaving Lister with his thoughts. Part of him was begging him to leave Rimmer as his lust self, but the other part was saying "That's not really Rimmer then, is it?" He sighed and knew what he had to do. 

\------------------------------------------------

Lister made his way back to the sleeping quarters and crept in. 

"Lights."

He jumped out of his skin when he saw Low sat on a chair, feet up on the table.

"Low…"

"I know what your game is, Listy. I know what you're doing."

"I'm sorry Low, you're not MY Rimmer, you're just a part of him. Not the full picture." He rubbed the back of his neck.

Low stood up and walked over to him. Lister started to panic, what was this guy going to do to him? 

Low pressed him up against the wall and began to kiss him, he took the gun out of Lister's hand and pressed it to his own right temple. He shot himself. Lister gasped and caught the gun, he had one shot at this, it could either work or all 4 would be brought back again. He took a deep breath and fired. 

The gun began to burn his hands but he kept his finger on the trigger. The gun began to warp itself, sending panic through Lister's mind. What did he do wrong?! Suddenly, a small, lightbee lay in his hands. A wave of relief flooded over him. He put it down on the table and watched Rimmer begin to manifest.

Rimmer hovered slightly over the table before he collapsed down, "Smegging hell! What the smeg happened?! Where am I?!" He angrily shouted, picking himself up.

"Rimmeh! It's me!" Lister smiled at him.

"Oh… you…" his brows furrowed and he looked away.

"I had this really weird dream…"

"Yeah?"

"That we had sex until we couldn't feel our lower halves anymore." He frowned.

Lister blushed, "Well erm… long story short, Cat split you into four versions of yourself. Two were pretty cool, one was raving mad and the other erm… had sex with me for four days straight."

Rimmer's eyes widened, "I had sex… with you?"

Lister winced, the voice inside his head and said that this could happen.

"Eurgh!" Rimmer wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Alright. No need to rub it in." Lister made his way to his bed before someone violently grabbed his arm. "Rimmer! What the smeg! You're hurting me!"

Rimmer loosened his grip slightly, "Four days?"

"Yes! Now let me go! I'm sorry!"

"I'm going to fuck you, violently but painlessly, into an oblivion. Make it seven." Rimmer grabbed him by the waist and pressed his body against his own

Lister was shocked, this was the last thing he expected. This was an opportunity worth taking. The pair began to undress themselves hastily. 

Rimmer pressed his mouth against Lister's, his hands running all over his body. Lister moaned into the kiss as he began to step backwards towards the bed, bringing Rimmer with him.

Lister was pinned to the bed. Rimmer pressed his forehead into Lister's neck and thrust in hard. "Smegging Christ--" Lister moaned, "Don't stop--"

Rimmer continued to grind his hips against Lister's, thrusting into him. His hand slid down Lister's abdomen and onto his hip, pulling him against himself as he thrust in again. He removed his right hand from Lister's forearm and onto his right thigh, gripping it firmly in place.

"Oh smeg- Rimmer-"

Rimmer lifted his head, starting to pant slowly and pressed his lips against Lister's. Lister grabbed onto his jaw and deepened the kiss. His tongue going into the other man's mouth, exploring it, even though he knew it like the back of his hand. Lister moaned loudly as Rimmer pressed his hips against his own. 

"Smeg- Rimmer- I'm gonna--"

Rimmer pulled his head away and using his left hand, grabbed onto Lister's dick.

"You son of a bitch!" Lister cried out.

"Sirs! Could you please keep it down!" Kryten shouted from outside.

Rimmer stopped dead in his tracks, removing his hand. Horrified, he pulled his head away and turned it to face the door. 

"Shhh… Let me deal with this." Lister sank into the pillow, he kissed Rimmer's cheek, his whole body seemed loose, 

"Sorry Krytes!"


	11. Locked rooms.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an argument on a derelict, Rimmer storms off and gets himself locked into a room. Matters escalate when memories come calling back.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING - panic attacks + mention of suicide**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Hope you're doing well! This week we have an Angst ficcc!!! I have loads more for y'all and a 2 part mini series too! I would love some feedback on what I could add in my fics! :)
> 
> Well anyways, Enjoy!
> 
> P.S: There is a mention of self harm at one point so there is a trigger warning, take care of yourselves 💖

Rimmer banged his fist against the locked door of the derelict. He let out another sob, memories flooding back into his head.

"Please! Let me out!" He didn't realise how heavily he was crying. He never cried. He forced it to the darkest depths of his mind. He wasn't allowed to cry. 

He ran at the door, throwing his body against it, but it was useless. He slumped down and hugged himself, gripping onto his sides and digging his fingertips in deep. He would be alright, right? They would come and find him, right? He wouldn't forget him, right? Right?

Rimmer let out an agonising cry. Pressing the back of his head against the cool metal of the wall behind him. Anxiety and paranoia grew in the pit of his stomach, no one was going to come for him. He would be alone in this room for the rest of eternity.

Another pained sob. He remembered being locked in the basement of the family house often, whenever he misbehaved or if he failed his mealtime quiz, sometimes they just locked him down there to get rid of him. He was always in the dark, that's why he had claustrophobia. He'd grown out of his fear of the dark but being in a locked room? He couldn't take it. His breathing pace began to speed up, tears flowed down his cheeks. He was having a smegging panic attack.

Still gripping his sides, he arched over, pressing his chest against his knees. He could feel himself shaking. His head felt like someone was hitting him with a lump hammer and his temperature was through the roof. Tears kept streaming down his cheeks.

What on Io was wrong with him? He could imagine his father screaming down on him to stop being such a fairy. Don't cry. Never cry. Cry and you're a pussy. You're weak. No one will ever love you. He let out another strangled scream for help.

Then the lights went out.

He let out a painful, blood curdling scream. Rimmer let go of himself and scrambled to his feet, no light source, it was too dark. The basement. He was back in the basement, having been thrown down a flight of stairs by his father who was outraged by the test results from an exam he took. He was 8. His 8 year old self couldn't feel his left leg. He remembered it wasn't broken, he had cut it on impact onto the concrete floor. 

"Help!" His pained voice called, it echoing through the basement.

Rimmer partially woke up in someone's arms. Everything was blurry but a distant sound of someone shouting his name triggered another panic attack. He began shaking and everything went black.

\-------------------------------------------------

He rolled off of the bed at the speed of light, running at the door and slamming into it. 

"LIGHTS!" Someone screamed from behind him.

Rimmer turned his head to see his half asleep bunkmate sitting up from his bed, staring at him.

"Lister?" He began to tremble.

"Come 'ere, smeghead." Lister hoisted himself down and walked over to the shaking hologram. "What's up with you, eh?" 

Rimmer looked around the room, confused, "The derelict..?" 

"Ah." Lister pursed lips, "let's sit down, okay?" 

"Lister stop being such a gimboid and tell me what's going on!" He hissed, trying to mask his fear.

"Sit down and I'll tell ya." His voice was surprisingly gentle, considering it was Rimmer he was talking to.

The hologram stormed away from him only for his legs to give way, he gripped onto a chair for support.

"Oh smeg, Rimsy." Lister grumbled, rushing to his side, "you alright?" 

"I'm fine, Lister." He insisted.

"Very funny, Rimmer. Now let me smeggin' help ya." He unpeeled his bunkmates fingers from the chair and slipped under his arm, supporting him on his own shoulder. 

"Lister-" He gasped.

"Hey, hey. I've got ya. You ain't gonna get hurt okay?" 

The pair of them plonked down on the bed and Rimmer instantly distanced himself. He was mentally screaming at himself, saying that he should've stayed where he was.

"How much of it do you remember?" Lister softly asked.

"Er, leaving, getting locked in and passing out." He left out the panic attacks and what could've been a mental breakdown. 

"Alright. Erm well, I went lookin' for ya. I asked Cat and Kryten to help me but they said 'you'd come back when you were ready'. I took a wrong turn and I just wandered about for a while I guess." He shrugged.

Rimmer's grip on the bed sheets tightened.

"Well eventually I went back and went the other way, until I could hear ya." Lister stares at him.

"It's okay to be claustrophobic, Rimmer. There's nothin' wrong with it." 

"I know that, you git!" He stood up abruptly, "What do you take me for? Some babbling imbecile?" He snapped.

"Rimmer!" Lister pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Forget it, Lister. I don't need you or your pity." As Rimmer reached the door Lister laughed, "what's so funny?" He hissed, turning his head 90 degrees.

"It's funny because when I found ya, you wouldn't let go of me. You kept sayin' that ya needed me."

"I was hardly in the right mental state! You don't mean anything to me." He wobbled out of the room.

\-------------------------------------------------

It had been a week. Lister didn't dare speak to Rimmer, the man had crushed his heart. Sure he didn't exactly like him but he missed having his antagonist, winding him up. The words had been burnt into his brain as if he'd been marked by a branding iron. He wanted to smash the Hologram's head in with a baseball bat, he didn't care anymore. 

He didn't tell Rimmer the full story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lister flicked on the torch, shining it around the room. Then he saw him: curled up on the floor sobbing. He rushed over and sat by his side gently cradling him in his arms.

"Shhhh, it's okay." He held onto him, feeling him shake violently with the occasional scream or sob.

Rimmer clung onto him like a lost child. He kept sobbing and buried his head into Lister's neck, "I need you." He kept trying to say, before being cut off by a sob each time.

Lister had never seen Rimmer like this before. He'd seen him low, lots of times, but this was scary. He just kept crying, he'd never seen him cry before. 

"Don't leave me in the dark, please!" He wailed and began to violently lash out.

"I'm not gonna leave ya! I promise!" Despite being hit, Lister didn't let go. Instead he held him tighter, soothing his bunkmate until he calmed down again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sod the promise. He would gladly eject him out into deep space if he had the chance. Sod the bastard. As if on cue, the doors slid open and Rimmer marched in. Lister turned his head away.

"Lister." He stood straight, like a soldier at attention. 

No reply, he just carried on staring at the wall.

"Lister." He spoke again.

Still nothing.

"LISTER." He shouted.

He wasn't going to give in. No way. Sod the bastard.

"Lister please." There was an undertone of fear that crept into his words.

Still no response.

Rimmer sighed and stumbled out of the room. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Another week went by and he hadn't seen Rimmer at all. He was enjoying trashing the bunkroom without anyone telling him what to do.

Cat sat at the table and folded his arms, "When are you two monkeys going to sort things out, huh?" He asked.

"What?" Lister raised an eyebrow, looking up from his comic.

"I said, when are you two monkeys going to make up!" 

"Cat, we aren't going to make up." He sighed in annoyance.

Cat let out a cry, "You've got to! Please! I'll do anything!" He begged, "well, not anything, anything."

"Cat, I don't ever want to see his weasley little smegging face ever again. He can go burn in hell as far as I'm concerned." 

"But, Hamster Cheeks! It's so quiet when you two monkeys aren't at each other's throats! Even Holly is annoyed!" He complained.

"Holly isn't annoyed." 

"Afraid I am Dave." The floating head compressed his lips, "Nothin' to log. I have a log of every word you two have ever said to each other, it's getting lonely."

"I'm never going to talk to the selfish prick ever again." Lister snapped.

"And then he does that- that thing!" Cat whined.

"What thing?"

"He closes the door, but I can still hear him." He grumbled.

"Hear what??" Lister asked, growing impatient.

"He just… screams! He cries and screams, throws things around, you name it!" 

"Holly, is this true?" Lister frowned, turning to face the screen.

"'fraid so. I have some footage from it, if you'd like."

"Yeah, sure. Play it."

-

Rimmer smashed his head against the wall and let out an agonising cry. 

"You're such a bastard, Rimmer. You've disappointed everyone, EVERYONE. The only person who's ever slightly cared about you hates you as well! You are smegging fantastic." He gripped his curls, yanking at them.

"Why don't you just kill yourself? Just switch yourself off for smegs sake!" He cried out. 

"No. Lister. I promised I'd keep him sane!" He shook his head, "You've failed at the only thing you'd ever been trusted with. No one wants you around, just leave!" He screamed at himself.

He left the room for twenty minutes or so before reappearing, "Why is my body indestructible?! Why?! You can even cut yourself?!" He kicked the wall and let out another scream of anger.

-

Lister stared at the screen, he felt sick. 

"Go and talk it out, please! I'm beggin' you!" Cat fell to his knees and pressed his hands together.

He thought for a moment, "Ugh fine."

\-------------------------------------------------

It took a long while before he found the room Rimmer had taken camp in. He poked his head in to see the destroyed room and the Hologram sat against the wall.

He walked in and stared at him.

"Rimmer we need to talk." He folded his arms.

The Hologram looked up at him weakly and nodded.

"It's been a week. What did ya want to say to me?"

Rimmer closed his eyes slowly, "switch me off, please." He squeaked out.

"What did you want to say to me?"

"I want to die. I know I'm dead, Lister. Please just switch me off." 

"Listen here, smeghead, I want the truth." 

"I'm sorry." He looked up at him and glitched violently, startling Lister. "I can't take me anymore."

"What are ya smeggin on about?" He frowned.

"I messed with my lightbee. It was the only way to feel pain." His head rolled gently to the side, "Kill me." 

"Rimmer..?" The dread that he'd sealed away broke through. "Rimmer?!" He stepped towards the hologram, crouching beside him.

"I'm sorry." He looked Lister dead in the eyes, "I'm sorry I wasn't en-" he glitched out again, "enough."

"Rimmer, what the smeg are ya on about?"

"I'm so so sorry, Lister." He winced as his bee made a crackling noise, "I'm sorry." His voice broke.

"Talk to me, Rimmer." He gently pushed the Hologram to face him.

"I'm sorry." A tear rolled down his cheek.

"Speak to me, Rimmer!" He shouted.

"I'm so so sorry." He glitched over and over again.

"RIMMER!" He screamed out at him, "Talk to me, please!"

"I got claustrophobia after being locked in the basement." He began before violently glitching, letting out a cry.

"Keep going."

"I was always in the dark. They forgot about me sometimes." Another glitch.

"Who did, Rimmer? Tell me who did?!"

"My father." He laughed softly before another painful glitch flashed through him, making him shake. "The only one." He sobbed out in pain.

"The only one, what??"

"You're the only one." His bee made another strange noise.

"The only one what, Rimmer?!"

"Who means something to me." He reached out to touch his face before a massive glitch. His broken lightbee lay in front of Lister. Smeg.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister hadn't slept in a fortnight. Occasionally, he'd drop off for half an hour before waking up again, he refused to sleep until Kryten had fixed Rimmer's bee. The mechanoid didn't exactly see why Lister wanted Rimmer back, but obliged anyway.

Lister made his way back to their sleeping quarters. He felt dead. He was exhausted. The doors to the bunk room slid open and he walked in, head drooping. 

A warm hand gripped onto his shoulder. Lister looked up and looked at his side. Rimmer looked back at him.

He crumpled. He fell into the Hologram's arms and began sobbing. All the pain from the past month broke through his tears, he gripped onto Rimmer's back and buried his head into his chest.

Rimmer cupped the back of Lister's neck, pressing him into his hard light body, "I'm so sorry." He murmured.

Lister pulled away abruptly and punched him in the stomach. Rimmer let out a cry and stumbled back.

"What was that for?!" He hissed, wrapping an arm around his torso.

"For being a complete and utter smeghead! Don't ever try and mess with yer bee again, do ya hear me?!" He shouted at the Hologram.

"Yes! I hear you loud and clear… goit." He winced.

Listed walked back up to him and cupped his cheeks, pulling him into a passionate kiss. Rimmer gasped and pulled his hand away from his abdomen, unsure where to put them. 

When they finally broke apart, Rimmer stared at him in shock.

"And that was for being MY complete and utter smeghead."


	12. It wasn't you, you weren't you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set Post "Officer-Rimmer" 
> 
> Lister comes to talk to Rimmer after the events of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Today I'm posting two short-ish fics (i usually write ones that are 1,2k -1,4k) these ones are a lot shorter.
> 
> Enjoy!

"Come to gloat, have you?" Rimmer leant against the bar, facing away from the door.

"No, I haven't." Lister sighed and walked towards him.

"I knew it was too good to be true. It always is." He grumbled.

"Well… I'm glad to have ya back."

"What?" Rimmer turned his head to look at him.

"It wasn't you. You weren't you." Lister folded his arms, pressing his left hip against the bar.

Rimmer rolled his eyes, "How would you know what I am?"

"Because I've known you for such a long time, Rimmer! That's nothing to be ashamed of!" 

"Just leave it Lister…. When I was an officer, a second lieutenant, I was someone! Now? I've just gone back to being that cowardly weasel." His knuckles were white as they gripped tighter onto the bar.

"Rimmer." Lister shuffled a bit closer and put his hand on the other man's shoulder.

"I'm nothing, Lister."

"If you were nothing, I would've left you to die on that psi-moon all those years ago. If you were nothing, I would've left you on Rimmerworld. If you were nothing I wouldn't have cried for nights after you left to be Ace!" Tears welled in his eyes.

Rimmer turned his whole body to face him this time, "I--"

"If you were nothing, I wouldn't have gone along with your plan to make your brother believe you were an Officer. If you were nothing I wouldn't have put up with your constant whinging and whining for all of this time!" His voice started to increase in volume, his grip on Rimmer's shoulder tightened.

Rimmer grabbed him and pulled him into a hug, "Listy I--"

Lister didn't realise it until he felt Rimmer shudder that he was sobbing. 

"I'm so sorry… I put myself in front of you and everyone's needs. I was brought back to keep you sane, I've failed horribly!" He tightened the grip, burying this whole face in Lister's neck.

"Don't take all the blame, I've been a complete smegger at times." He pressed his forehead against Rimmer.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Rimmer kept whispering over and over.

"Rimmer…"

"Yes?"

"I can't breathe."

Rimmer pulled away quickly before putting his hand on Lister's right cheek and inspecting his face.

"I'm okay. You don't need to do a full examination on me!" Lister laughed softly.

"I'm sorry." His voice broke again.

"Stop apologising." Lister leant forward and kissed Rimmer. When they broke apart they were both speechless. "Maybe you should get yourself into situations where you're on the verge of being killed by a monster that you yourself created more often." 

"Huh?" Rimmer raised an eyebrow, still panting slightly.

"It gives me the opportunity to kiss you more often." He leant back in and the pair continued the kiss.


	13. Talking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set post "The Promised Land"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here is the second fic of the day. It's kinda like the other one but ya know. 
> 
> I don't usually write fics set after some point in X - XII so don't expect them to be good, okay?
> 
> Enjoy!

"How's it going, Mighty." Lister put his hand on the hologram's shoulder as the pair stood in the observation tower.

"Oh you know. Same old, same old." Rimmer smiled slightly.

"How're ya feeling?" Lister flexed his fingers against the other man's bone.

"Since when did you care about how I feel?" He grumbled.

"Hey don't say that, man. I do care about how ya feel. Especially after what happened during the sandstorm." 

Rimmer sighed, "As fine as being a God gets."

Lister sniggered, "I was really worried, ya know?" His tone became more serious.

"Hm?" The Hologram looked away from the stars and straight at him.

"When you er, unplugged yerself." 

"Oh."

"Don't 'oh' me, smeghead. I haven't been as worried as that before." He grumbled, "I thought I was gonna lose ya."

He laughed softly, looking back out into the empty void.

"What I'm tryna say is… don't leave me man." His grip tightened, "I really do need ya…"

Rimmer pursed his lips, "I need you too." He didn't turn his head but looked at the man beside him anyway.

Lister hugged him tightly, pressing his face against the Hologram's forearm.

He gasped at the sudden interaction, he was being crushed but was starting to enjoy it. 

"Please don't ever do that again." Lister sniffled into his arm.

"I won't… I promise." He turned his body, allowing Lister to hug him properly. He ran his fingers against the cold leather jacket and rested his chin on Lister's head.

"Smeg you." Lister sobbed out. 

"Smeg you, you little goit." Rimmer sniffled.

"Don't ever, smegging, do that again!" He tightened his grip, firmly grabbing the Hologram's blue uniform.

Rimmer slid his right hand up onto the top of Lister's dreadlocks, gently massaging his head.

"I won't do that again… I won't leave you again, I promise." He whispered.

Lister choked another sob.

"It's alright, Sunshine, I'm here…" He quietly spoke.

He felt the change of crying go to laughter and gently peeled himself away from the other man.

"Sunshine? Seriously?!" He laughed through tears.

"What about it, gimboid?" 

Lister grinned, "Honestly, Moonlight, I love it." 

Rimmer blushed, taking his left hand and wiping away one of Lister's tears with his knuckle.

"Have I ever told ya yer me favourite smeghead?"

He smiled, "Have I ever told you you're my favourite git?" 

"Sod off!"

"Sod you." 

The pair broke out into giggles. 

"Lister, I know you need me…" he began, watching the other man's face fall, "but I need you just as much."

Lister sighed with relief and pulled him back into a hug, "Ya complete smeghead, I honestly thought that ya were gonna tell me that ya were gonna leave or somethin'." He leant back to look up at the Hologram.

"Lister, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not going anywhere!" He suddenly leant forward and their lips met.

The kiss was soft, their lips gently touching each other as they got a slight taste of each other.

Rimmer pulled his head back slightly and stared down at Lister, "Well.." he drew his lips.

"Holy smeg." Lister laughed, "Did we just?" He paused and laughed again, "Holy smeg…"

Rimmer frowned, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable--"

"Oi." He raised an eyebrow, "When did I say I was uncomfortable?" 

"Oh…"

"Come 'ere." He moved his hands, cupping the sides of Rimmer's face and pulled him in, pressing his mouth firmly against the holograms.

Rimmer opened his mouth, allowing Lister to slide his tongue inside as the kiss grew more heated. Lister ran his fingers into Rimmer's curls as Rimmer gripped onto Lister's dreadlocks. 

Eventually the pair broke apart, heavily breathing.

"Holy smeg!" Lister laughed, panting.

"You do kiss well, Sunshine." Rimmer gasped.

"Why thank you, Moonlight, you kiss better than dream you." 

The pair stared at each other before they began to snigger again.

"Smeghead... shut up and kiss me again."


	14. A little bit more than a drop pt.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister finds Peterson's stash of pure moonshine, he doesn't know if it'll be as good as it was so he decides to try it out on someone first. That someone happens to be Arnold J Rimmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you're doing well! So I have a few other 2 parter stories and this is one of them! 
> 
> Feel free to recommend ideas for fics n stuff :)
> 
> Enjoy!!

Lister had managed to find some Moonshine hidden away in Peterson's old quarters. He didn't know if it'd still be drinkable so he thought it'd be best to test it on another crew member. Someone who wouldn't be left with life threatening injuries… Rimmer.

The smeghead had been extra smeggy that week. He'd whinged and whined over almost everything Lister had done. They'd got into a heated argument where Rimmer took rage to the next level. He grabbed hold of a chair and proceeded to try and make Lister swallow it. It ended with Lister biting Rimmer's hand until he cried.

He knew this moonshine had been strong. He remembered Peterson being drunk out of his mind and vomiting all over some of the officers. This stuff could get you drunk in an instant, that's why it was banned onboard. Chen, Selby, Peterson and Lister all knew where the stash was kept, he'd just forgotten about it until he was going through the quarters.

Rimmer had a cup of tea sat on the table, this would be how he would consume it. He carefully opened the bottle before pouring a swig of it in. For some reason the cup didn't overflow. He didn't question it. He just slid up onto his bunk and relaxed.

As per queue, Rimmer came marching into the room. "Ah Lister, being the slob you are, I see." 

He shrugged, going back to the comic he was reading. 

"You really should find something better to do." He tutted and picked up the mug. Listed hid his Cheshire Cat Grin behind the comic as he watched Rimmer gulp down his drink. At first, nothing happened. He'd put down the mug and leant against the table in deep thought. Suddenly he began to giggle. Lister put down the comic and watched him laugh hysterically. 

"You alright down there?" He laughed. Rimmer frowned up at him and stumbled, smashing his face against the side of the bed. Lister's brows furrowed and he jumped off the bed to check if Rimmer was alright.

The Hologram lay face down giggling at the floor.

"Uh Rimmer, you alright?" Lister crouched down beside him.

Rimmer continued to giggle, "I'm going to be a lemming, Listy." He giggled again. "You cute little spacey-ball." He pinched Lister's cheek and gave it a little tug.

"Yer what?" On that note Rimmer heaved himself to his feet and stumbled over to the table. He climbed up onto it and swayed. "Rimmeh! Get down!" He tried to grab him but Rimmer loudly screamed.

"AHAHHA I AM A LEMMING!"

Kryten, who had heard the scream, came rushing in, "Is everything okay sirs?!" He looked up to see the Hologram flying towards him.

Rimmer had thrown himself off of the table and crash landed on Kryten.

"Rimmeh!" Lister ran over and knelt down beside the pair. "Are you alright Krytes?!" He helped the mechanoid up.

"I'm fine sir! What's wrong with Mr Rimmer?!" He looked at the man who lay on the floor like a dead body at a crime scene.

"I put a bit of Peterson's moonshine in his tea. Just to see if it still worked. Now he's drunk out of his mind!" 

Kryten bent down to Rimmer and a grave expression washed over his face. "Oh no… this isn't good."

"What? What isn't good?"

"Mr Lister, how much did you pour in?!"

"Well… it didn't start to overflow so I just kept pouring it. About ¾ of a bottle?" He shrugged.

"Oh no, Sir! Sir! Stay with me." Kryten shouted at Rimmer, turning him over and holding onto his shoulders.

"Cute little.. spacey-ball…" Rimmer slurred, looking at Lister with unfocused eyes.

"What's wrong?!"

"Lightbee's can't take alcohol as strong as moonshine! It can corrupt them! He may look drunk to you but he's possibly delirious! He's going to die!" Kryten sobbed out, shaking him again.

Lister went numb. A) Holograms could die even though they were dead?! B) Rimmer wasn't okay and Lister had completely overlooked it. "Is it like an alcohol poisoning kinda thing?" 

"Yes… you could say that. Only worse. We need to get him to be sick!" 

Rimmer giggled again, "Lemmings.. And you, Listy, with your plump little sexy body." 

"Er… " Lister knelt down beside him and stared at the Hologram who was desperately trying to sit up but kept falling back down giggling.

"Listy!" He raised an eyebrow with a grin and continued to hysterically giggle. "You sexy little goit!" 

"Sir, you need to make him sick!"

"Ah smegging hell!" Lister thought for a moment, the one thing Rimmer complained about. He was always annoyed about all the junk Lister put in his mouth, well if he kissed him, surely that would make him be sick?!

"Kryten, man, don't judge me for this. Look away!" He shouted at the mechanoid before talking Rimmer's face in his hands and cupping his cheeks.

"Sir! There has to be another way!" Kryten screamed at him, desperately trying to break the pair apart.

"Kryten! Get off me, man! I don't want to do this either but I know it'll make him sick!" Lister winced, his hands vibrated a little as Rimmer began giggling again. "Rimmer, man, I'm sorry." He leant his head forward and their lips met.

Lister was waiting for the pair of hands to punch him or push him away. He wasn't expecting them to snake around onto his back and press their body's together. Rimmer deepened the kiss, opening up Lister's mouth and sending his tongue inside. He then realised Rimmer was moaning. He completely forgot the task and felt himself being pressed down against the floor, before Rimmer was yanked off.

"SIRS! PLEASE!" Kryten violently shook Lister.

He sat staring at the android, horrified. He over down at Rimmer, who was rolling his eyes around as if he were following the stars which flew around his head. "How the smeg are we going to get him sick if that didn't work?!"

"Sir, what about his gag reflex?"

"What? Make him gag? How ' we gonna do that?!"

"My groinal attachment?"

"No! Erm. Get me his toothbrush, Krytes."

"Of course sir!" Kryten stood up and scurried off to the bathroom.

"Hey, Rimmer! Rimsy! Rim! Rimmmerrr!" Lister helped the other man sit up and got him to lean against him.

"Listy!" He croaked before bursting into a fit of giggles. 

"I need you to be sick." He stood up, pulling the Hologram with him. They both stumbled but Lister caught him before anyone was hurt. "Come on, let's get ya to the bathroom."


	15. A little bit more than a drop pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vomitting, Toothbrushes, Raw Eggs, Hot Kettles and being extremely drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you're all well!! 
> 
> I'm feeling a lil down today so I'm posting another chapter for y'all. I have loads more fics in hand for you guys so don't worry :)
> 
> Enjoy!

It had been 20 minutes now and the gag reflex still hadn't kicked in. Lister had the toothbrush halfway down Rimmer's throat at one point, yet he still refused to be sick.

"This isn't working, Kryten." He groaned and passed the toothbrush to the mechanoid. "How much longer have we got before something serious happens?"

"Er… about an hour?" He paused as if he had a lightbulb moment, "Sir… What if we force him to swallow a raw egg?" He suggested.

"Eurgh. Why a raw egg?"

"From your reaction entirely! They're sort of slimy and---"

"Okay Krytes! Just go and get one." Lister turned back to Rimmer who was resting his H against the crook in his arm. "How ' you feeling?" He ran his fingers over his messy curls.

Rimmer hiccuped but didn't respond. He smiled at him with drunken eyes.

"I'm really sorry, man. I just wanted to know if that stuff still worked!" Rimmer lifted his head from his arm and rested it on Lister's shoulder. "I'm sorry." Lister put his hand on his neck, it was burning hot.

"Don't feel well…" Rimmer groaned. Pressing his head harder on Lister's shoulder.

Lister continued to smooth his hair and down his neck, to the hop of his back. "It's alright, bud. You---"

Rimmer quickly yanked his head away before leaning over the toilet bowl. Lister turned his head away as Rimmer began to heave up his stomach contents from the day, this was his fault and he had to help him. Lister turned back around and slid his fingers over Rimmer's forehead, holding back his curls from his eyes.

Kryten came into the room with the egg and stopped, "oh that's brilliant sir! How did you get him to do it?!"

"I didn't. He did it himself." Lister shot a worried look.

"We'd best take him down the medi-bay once this is all over." Kryten signaled at Rimmer before backing out of the room.

Rimmer stopped vomiting for a few minutes and knelt there crying. Lister kept trying to comfort him, apologising the whole time before continuing being sick. 

After a while he'd stopped and calmed down. Lister gave him a glass of water and helped him to his feet. He wasn't just drunk now, he was extremely weak.

\------------------------------------------

"Mr Rimmer's lightbee seems to be all good from the scan." Kryten didn't look up from the monitor. On the way to the medi-bay, Rimmer had collapsed. Luckily, he was just made of light so Lister decided he would carry him the rest of the way.

"Okay that's good." Lister didn't realise he was constantly touching Rimmer's curls until Cat cleared his throat.

"So, Goal Post Head got drunk out of his mind?! How did he manage that?"

"It's my fault. I poured almost a whole bottle of moonshine that I found in Peterson's quarters in his tea… it didn't overflow, it barely even changed at all besides the first bit that went in."

"Alright, sir. He should be okay, he just needs lots of rest and lots of fluids." Kryten stood up and dusted himself off, "I'll help you get him back to bed."

\--------------------------------------------

Lister looked down at the sleeping Hologram, he was to make sure he didn't get too hot. Rimmer squirmed a little in his sleep but went back to being peaceful moments later. 

"Holl?"

Holly appeared, on the mirror to his right, "What's up Dave?"

"Can you set an alarm that'll wake me up in seven hours time?" He scrambled onto his bed.

"I guess I can. You might need to remind me."

"Holly!" He shouted, before suddenly stopping himself and checking on Rimmer again.

"Alright Alright. I'll try me best."

\-------------------------------------------

"Dave. Wake up."

"Hm?" Lister groaned from his bed.

"Dave! Wake up!" Holly said a little louder.

"What time is it?" He grumbled, sitting up.

"Seven."

"Alright." He slid off the bed and checked on Rimmer, he'd hopefully be awake in half an hour time. Lister went over to the sink and picked up the kettle, filling it up before switching it on. He heard someone shift behind him and looked over to see Rimmer trying to sit up. "Woah slow down there!" He rushed over to help him.

"Ugh… Lister what's going on?" He slurred a little.

"It's alright, just relax." 

"Relax? My head is doing a better job at killing me than the radiation leak." He grumbled.

"Look I'll explain everything, just let me make you a cup of tea."

"Are YOU okay?" He raised an eyebrow before plonking back down.

"It's a bit of a funny story really…" He laughed nervously, "how much of it do you remember?" He returned to the sink.

"Errr… Being sick--" he abruptly paused, "What the smeg were you thinking you gimboid?!" He cried out.

"What?!"

"You kissed me!"

"Oh… That…"

"That's utterly disgusting! How could you violate me like that?!"

"Rimmer--"

"Lister how could you?! You-- you're disgusting!" He staggered to his feet before he stumbled. Lister put down the kettle and grabbed him before he hit the floor.

"I was only tryna make ya sick." He helped him stand up.

"It looks like you succeeded." He grumbled.

"Rimmer please. Kryten told me if you weren't sick your lightbee would've been damaged!" 

Rimmer sat back down on the bed, looking at his bare legs. "How did I respond to the kiss?" He quietly asked.

"Well erm… Err…" Lister turned away, once again, going back to the kettle.

"Tell me the truth, that's an order. I order you to tell me the truth!"

"Rimmer, you deepened the- OW!" He accidently moved his hand, pressing the kettle against it. He put it down on the drainage board and hissed. Quickly turning the cold tap on, trying to sooth the burn.

"I deepened the kiss..?" He replied glumly before snapping out of it, "what did you do to your hand?"

"I burnt it!" He winced, constantly pulling his hand out of the water, "this smeggin' hurts!" He growled in frustration.

Using the wall as a support, Rimmer got to his feet and managed to get over to the sink, he gently took Lister's wrist and held it under the water, "You'll never get anywhere by pulling it away."

"Ow! Ow! Rimmer stop it!" He squirmed.

"Honestly Lister, stop being a big girl's blouse!" Supporting himself at the hip, he used his now free hand to turn the tap up a bit more. The pair stood in silence for the next ten minutes before Rimmer made Lister sit at the table.

"When did you do your first aid course?" Lister laughed.

"I didn't. When you grow up in a house where you're constantly being hit, you learn to look after yourself." He didn't look up from Lister's hand as he carefully wrapped it in gauze from the first aid kit.

"Oh…" Lister watched as Rimmer tentatively tried to not hurt him. "Thanks man… I mean… You usually wouldn't help me, especially after what happened last night."

"Save it. I'm only doing my job as your superior." 

"No, really, man. I could've got Kryten to do this, last night you vomited yer guts out, passed out, woke up with a hangover yet you perfectly performed first aid on me." He lifted his hand, inspecting it in awe. Rimmer leant back in his chair and faintly smiled.

"If Kryten did it, Listy, he wouldn't have done it as carefully." He raised an eyebrow.

"Erm I don't know If you'll let me but." He reached across and hugged Rimmer. He heard the other man's shocked gasp before he embraced the hug in return. "I'm still really sorry…"

"I'm too tired to be angry at you." He nuzzled his face into Lister's neck.

"How does lying about in ya bunk all day sound?" Lister suggested.

Rimmer thought for a moment, this was Lister. The guy who lived off of curries and lager. The guy who was obnoxiously loud and messy. The guy who thought he could play the guitar like Jimmy Hendrix but was really just utterly shit. The guy who kissed him last night against his own will. The guy who'd he'd dreamt about kissing for the last few years. The guy he'd come to love.

"Sounds like a great idea... you goit."


	16. I know!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if Rimmer knew that he was going to be wiped out in 'Twentica'...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooof. So I'm feeling bit anxious (something happened) so I'm posting a fic as a cool down method. Seeing your comments always relaxes me because I feel like I've done something right. So here is an angst :)
> 
> Enjoy!

"Lister, don't you see? Once the expanoids are gone, you can stay here! We'll no longer be trapped together." Rimmer tried to sound positive. God he tried. He masked all the pain he had behind his usual selfishness.

"I can't lose Kryten!" Lister protested.

Kryten. He didn't want to lose Kryten. Rimmer knew he had to keep sounding selfish even though he was hurt, he knew he was going to be wiped out as well.

"Listen, sir, Mr Rimmer is only talking about what is best for you." The mechanoid explained, Rimmer nodding in agreement, "As obviously detonating a global EMP will destroy him too." 

Rimmer stopped nodding abruptly. 

"No way." Lister frowned.

"Lister, look you've got the chance to live the life you've wanted. Take it!" Rimmer grabbed him by the shoulders, "This is your chance, Lister. You can live on earth, have a family!" 

"Did you not hear what Kryten said?! He said you'll be gone too!" Lister shouted back at him.

"I know!" Rimmer found himself screaming.

Lister stared at him. "You what?"

"I know that'll mean I won't be here anymore. I know!" 

"B- but-."

"But nothing, Lister. I've listened to you for god knows how many smegging years talk about getting back to Earth. Well here you are! You're home. You have the chance to live your life. Take it!" His grip tightened.

"Rimmer, stop talking smeg, you know I can't lose you and Kryten-"

"Lister. Take it." He insisted.

"No! Hand over the EMP." Lister turned to face the Professor.

"I already detonated it while you two were yakkin'. Ya have 15 minutes to scram." She turned her head to look at them.

"Come on!" Lister pulled away, yanking Rimmer's wrist with him as they all legged it back to Starbug.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister hadn't seen Rimmer since they'd got back to Starbug. He was laying in bed when he heard the door open and the quiet footsteps of his bunkmate follow behind. He watched as the Hologram undressed and put on his pyjamas before flopping into the bed below.

"Rimmeh?" He quietly spoke.

"Mm yes Listy?" The formal tone came from below him.

"Can we talk about what happened earlier?" 

"What happened earlier?"

"Don't give me this, Rimmer. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Erm no I don't."

"Don't lie! Where you wanted me to just stay on earth whilst Kryten and you got wiped out!"

"Ohh. That."

"Rimmer. You knew you were going to get detonated. Why."

"Why what?"

"Why did you want me to stay?!" He shouted out.

Nothing. No reply. Until an eventual, "Night Lister."

"Oh no no." He sat up.

"GOOD NIGHT LISTER." Rimmer screamed at the top of his lungs.

Lister was pissed off. He slid off of his bed and stood with his arms folded, staring at the Hologram who was facing the wall. "Tell me." 

"Tell you what?" He grumbled.

"Why you wanted me to stay!" He tentatively touched the Hologram's arm.

Rimmer sat up and crossed his legs, not looking at Lister, "It's what you've always wanted, Lister. To be home on earth. Away from here. Away from--" He stopped.

"Away from what?"

"It's nothing. But anyway, there, you had your chance to get your dream and you blew it! Why?!"

"Rimmer. That would've meant losing Kryten and you." 

"You didn't care about losing me, you still don't. Lister I-"

"You what, Rimmer." Anger filled his every word.

"I just wanted you to be happy." His voice broke.

Lister stood back. He felt like someone had just slapped him across the face. Did Rimmer just say that or was he imagining things. "What?"

"I just wanted you to be happy, you git!" He shouted again, finally turning his head to look at the Scouser. 

Lister could see his eyes were swollen from crying, even in the dim light.

"You've always wanted to be away from me and I was giving you your chance to be happy." The pain from today bled through his words, seeping into Lister's mind like water on a sponge. 

"You. Arnold Judas Rimmer was willing to give up your life, for me?"

"I haven't got a life, Lister." 

"You know what I mean." He moved and sat on the edge of Rimmer's bed.

"You're the closest thing I have to a friend and if me not being there makes you happy then I really don't need to be around." He compressed his lips. 

"Oh you really have got the wrong end of the stick, haven't ya?" Lister sighed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rimmer snapped.

"I might be stuck 3 million years into deep space, and I might be stuck 3 million years into space with you. But it's you!" 

"Excuse me?"

"Even though you are a complete and utter smeghead, and some days just seeing you makes me want to throw myself out of an air lock, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. If I didn't have you, being smegging you all of time, there would be no point in living." He gently took the Hologram's hand, squeezing it softly. "What I'm sayin' is, sure I might have been on Earth. Sure I might have been able to get everything I dreamed of, but I wouldn't have you."

A simulated tear rolled down Rimmer's cheek. "I just wanted to give you the chance to be happy."

Lister flung his arms around the Hologram, "Oh ya smegger! I'm happy when I'm with you! I love the way we wind each up, the way we fight like cat and dog but Rimmer, man, we need each other. We keep each other going!" 

"I'm- I'm sorry-" The hologram sobbed against his chest.

"Don't apologise. We're both to blame for miscommunication, okay?" He smoothed his back as he felt tears starting to well in his eyes. 

Rimmer tightened his grip on Lister. Letting his finger hold onto the fabric of his pyjamas. He cared about him so much that he'd been blind to see that he cared back. 

After a while the pair stopped crying and had fallen asleep in each other's arms. They clung to each other like their lives depended on it.

When Kryten found them in the morning, he was shocked. He knew he should've woken them but decided it would be best to leave them to keep resting.


	17. In sickness and sickness pt.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer manages to contract a virus... only this time it's just like a common cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you're all doing well. Have another 2 part fic for y'all so here ya go!
> 
> Enjoy!

Lister found his bunkmate still in bed at half 10 in the morning. This wasn't like him at all.

"Ay Rimsy, you alright?" He pulled the duvet back to reveal a very sleepy hologram.

"Smeg off." He groaned, pulling the blanket back up over his shoulders.

"You're usually the one doing this to me!" He laughed.

"I don't feel well, gimboid." He pulled the blanket over his head.

"Oi. Now you know what I feel like!" 

"Yes, but you're never sick, are you?" He turned to face him, he did look rather pale.

"How did ya even manage to get sick?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Oh I don't know!" He sat up straight and folded his arms. "Might of picked something up on a derelict."

"Have you been to the medi-bay?" Lister knew where he was going to take this.

"No."

"Well you should, ya smeggar. They might put ya in quarantine, sure, but who's going to mind?"

"I am NOT going into quarantine." He ran his fingers through his knotted curls which were damp with sweat.

"You look like you're about to keel over!" He laughed in disbelief.

"I already have 'keeled over' you goit. Now leave me alone." He rubbed his face.

"And how do we know it's not contagious?! Also, how do we know it's not like that holovirus you had that time?!" Lister stood back a bit.

"Do I look as if I'm going to run around chasing you with a penguin called 'Mr Flibble' whilst wearing a dress with a bonnet?" He rolled his eyes.

"Ya never know!" Lister sniggered.

"I don't want to go to the medi-bay because if they quarantine me, they'll lock me up and I'll be forgotten! And anyway, it's just a cold." Rimmer stared up at Lister.

"Come on man, who's going to forget about you?" He put his hand out for him to grab onto.

"It doesn't matter. But if they lock me up, it's your fault." He swung his legs off the bed and slid his feet into the slippers. He stood up before collapsing, Lister caught him. 

"Woah, you sure it's 'just a cold?'" He raised an eyebrow as he helped Rimmer stand up properly.

"I. Am. Fine." He said through gritted teeth.

"Whatever you say." He replied, not convinced.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister was starting to get worried. It had been just a joke but Rimmer had ended up leaning on him as he took him to the medi-bay.

"How's it looking, Krytes?" He asked the mechanoid as he inspected the screen.

"All's well so far, Mr Lister sir. It seems like an evolved version of influenza. Mr Rimmer will just be a lot more tired and weak." He sounded pretty certain.

"They won't lock me in quarantine, will they?" Rimmer desperately asked, playing with the buttons on his pyjamas.

"I shouldn't see a reason why, sir."

He exhaled with relief, "Thank you, Kryten."

"Anytime, sir." The android smiled.

"Er Krytes, what is Rimmer gonna need?" Lister cleared his throat.

"Why do you care?" Rimmer looked up at him and raised an eyebrow.

"We do share a room ya know? I don't want to deal with ya coughing and splutterin' and smeg." He folded his arms.

"Oh the very basics sir. Plenty of rests, lots of fluids, warmth, et cetera." He printed off a small check list and handed it to Rimmer.

"Thank you, Kryten." He turned his head to see Lister with his hand out. He furrowed his brow.

"Don't want ya to collapse on the way." He sniggered and helped Rimmer up. 

Rimmer gave him a dirty look, "don't push your luck, mi'laddo."

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister noted that Rimmer didn't let go of his hand. The pair walked back to the bunk room in each other's grip. When Rimmer slid into bed, Lister sat on the edge watching him.

"Are you going to watch me sleep..?" Rimmer raised an eyebrow, snuggling up to his duvet.

"Ah sorry, man." He stood up.

"Wait…" Rimmer stopped him.

"Hm?"

"I erm…" he sat up and wrapped himself in his blanket, "erm you can… sit down…" his usual bitchy tone was replaced by a softer one.

"You're definitely not alright." Lister grumbled, obliging and laying down next to the sitting down across from him. They sat in a bordering awkward silence.

Rimmer covered his mouth and proceeded to have a coughing fit. Lister was alarmed by the sudden noise and practically flew upwards, smashing his head against the bunk above.

"Argh!" He fell back down, clutching his head. He felt thin fingers gently unpeel his own fingers from his head and hold onto his hands. He opened his watering eyes to see Rimmer kneeling, still wrapped in his duvet checking his head.

"You're not bleeding." He looked away and coughed into his arm, "you've probably just bruised it." He sat back down.

"Thanks." Lister winced, getting up.

"Where're you going?" Rimmer asked.

"Get some frozen peas from the freezer, I'll be back."

-

When Lister came back, he found his bunkmate curled up, fast asleep. He smiled down at him and gently removed a curl from his eyes. Rimmer smiled in his sleep.

Lister carefully sat at the edge of the bed, resting the frozen peas on his head. 

Rimmer winced and shifted, wrapping the duvet around himself tighter. He left out a soft whimper before going back to peacefully sleeping. 

Careful not to disturb him, Lister got up and left the room again. He slipped into one of the other sleeping quarters and picked up another duvet. He went back into their quarters and draped the second duvet over Rimmer and found himself placing a kiss on his forehead. Why the hell did he do that?? He hated this guy. He loathed him.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer opened his eyes slowly. The room was dark and the gentle breaths of someone above him were the only noise besides the whirring of the ship. He felt hot, he sat up and realised there were two duvets on top of him. No wonder he was burning. He groaned and rolled off of the bed, making his way to the sink to get a glass of water.

"Lights." A wide awake voice came from behind him.

Rimmer turned his head to see Lister watching him from his bunk. "Can I help you?" He turned the handle letting the cool water pour into the glass he'd grabbed from the drainage board.

"What are ya doing up?" Lister flexed his hands.

"Getting a drink of water, you goit." He swallowed it down before refilling it, water dripping down his chin.

"You could've asked me to do it for ya." Lister slipped off of the bunk and made his way to Rimmer's side.

"Really, Lister?" He raised an eyebrow, not convinced.

"I mean it, man. Kryten says you've gotta be well rested."

"When did he say that?" Rimmer wiped his chin with the back of his hand before taking another sip.

"When you fell asleep I went and put the ice back. Bumped into him and asked if ya need rest." 

Rimmer adjusted his pyjama shirt, "how long have I been asleep for?"

"Errr…" Lister looked up at the ceiling trying to do some mental maths, "Well, it's midnight now so about 12 hours? 12 and a half hours?"

"What?!" He spat out a mouthful of water into the glass.

"You looked so peaceful, all snuggled up with ya blankets." He teased.

"Honestly, Lister, if you're just going to tease me for getting sick--"

"Hey hey hey. I'm not teasin' ya. I'm just tryna make ya feel better." He smuggly smiled at him.

He looked at his bunkmate with disgust. Rimmer poured the last bit of water from the glass into his mouth before making his way back to bed. 

"Hold up." Lister stopped him when he sat down.

"What now?!" Rimmer rolled his eyes.

Lister pressed the palm of his hand against Rimmer's H and forehead.

"What the smeg do you think you're doing? Stop touching my H!" 

"You might have a fever coming on." Lister grumbled before pulling one of the duvets to the end of the bed. "Night." 

Rimmer was shocked, when he was sick as a child he was told to move on and get over it. The Nanny had grown worried about him when he was hospitalised at 3 with pneumonia and his family weren't even remotely bothered until Howard got it off of him. No one had ever cared about how he felt or was before. Then the thought crept into his mind, Lister probably didn't want to catch it himself. But then another thought opposed it, he had been worried in the medi-bay and he had said he would've got Rimmer a drink if he'd asked. He even gave him two duvets earlier and checked his temperature. 

"Night, Listy." He lay back down pulling the duvet up to his throat.


	18. In sickness and sickness pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pt.2 of "In sickness and sickness"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guyyysss!!! Hope you're all well. I've got lots of fics coming up so don't ya worry.
> 
> Enjoy!

Lister had woken up before Rimmer, like he had expected. Since the Hologram had become hardlight, he'd started to eat like a normal person again, so Lister decided he would get Kryten to cook breakfast for him. He made his way down to the laundry room.

"Mornin' Krytes!" He said, cheerfully.

"Good morning Mr Lister, you're up, early! How may I be at your assistance?" He chortled at his own impression of what he used to be like.

"Erm, I don't s'pose you could make Rimmer breakfast this morning as well?" He asked.

Kryten looked a little startled, "Yes of course sir, what would he like?"

Lister hadn't thought that far ahead, "erm… How about full English? If you can?"

"Oh of course sir!" The mechanoid smiled proudly, "and you're having your usual?" 

"Er yeah. Thanks Krytes." 

When Lister got back to the bunkroom, his heart skipped a beat. Rimmer was standing in the middle of the room, mug in hand, in only his boxers, accompanied by his pyjama shirt which was wide open. He turned his head to look at Lister.

"I made you a cup as well." He yawned.

Lister suddenly felt very turned on. He walked past his bunk mate stiffly. Rimmer plonked back down on the bed and groaned, gently massaging his temples. Lister sat down beside him with his own mug of tea, he found himself staring at Rimmer's boxers.

"Ugh I'm boiling." He groaned, pulling his shirt off with his free arm.

Lister panicked and put his hand on Rimmer's forehead. Burning hot. He took the mug off of Rimmer and walked over to the sink where he poured out the tea.

"Hey!"

Lister flicked on the tap and filled it with cold water, "It'll get ya a paracetamol." He handed Rimmer the mug back.

He did not look impressed but drank most of the water down, Lister handed him a paracetamol and he swallowed it down, finishing the water off with it. Lister was still staring at the man and sat down beside him again.

Rimmer pulled his shirt off and lay down in only his boxers, still watching Lister at the end of his bed.

"I've never had anyone care for me before, y'know? I mean sure there were the nurses at the hospital when I was 3 and my nanny but they were only doing their job." He crossed his arm over his chest and rested his hand on his bicep before exhaling. 

Lister turned his head to look at him, "I'm takin' care of you now." 

Rimmer smiled, moving his arm over his forehead instead of his chest. 

"I've never had anyone look after me either, really. Well there was me gran, but when she died I had no one and at the orphanage they weren't much help." He bit his lip and in the corner of his eye saw Rimmer sit back up.

"Birds of a feather flock together, Listy." He lulled softly, sitting next to him. Both of their legs dangled off of the bed.

Lister wrapped his right arm around the hologram and pulled him in tight. He purposely ran his fingers against his smooth skin. 

Rimmer let out a gasp and at first tried to push him away but eventually settled with resting his head on Lister's shoulder. 

"Sirs! I have breakfast!" Kryten called from behind the door.

Lister grabbed Rimmer's dressing gown and helped him put it on. "Open!" Lister called, watching the mechanoid push in a small trolley. He turned to see Rimmer's look of bewilderment.

"Thanks Kryters, I owe ya one."

"Oh anytime sir!" He proudly clapped his hands before leaving the room.

"I got Kryten to make ya breakfast." Lister smiled, he noticed tears in Rimmer's eyes.

"Really?"

"Well yeah. I mean it is sat right infro--" He was cut off by the Hologram diving upwards and hugging him.

"Erm uhm. Thank you, Lister. I appreciate it." He backed away a little embarrassed before sitting down at the table. 

Lister sat adjacent to him and passed him his plate from the centre of the table, "I guess I owe ya a tea for pouring it down the drain." He stood up before Rimmer stopped him.

"It's fine, Listy. I'll just have some water." He reached over and caught his arm. A feeling of electricity went through both of their bodies, sending chills down their spines.

"Okay." He smiled at the Hologram and went over to the sink.

\-------------------------------------------------

Breakfast had been great. Lister was trying to do the list of things Rimmer usually did, most of it was pointless but did it anyway. He knew how the hologram could be.

"Yeowww!!!" Cat came flying next to him in the drive room, "Whatcha doin' bud?" 

"Just some of Rimmer's jobs. You?"

"I am just looking for more things to look at myself in." He grinned before turning to the control panel, "So what's wrong with Goal Post Head?"

"Ah he's got this flu kinda thing that drains his energy." Lister explained.

"Uh huh… I see." Cat paid no attention at all.

"He should be fine." 

Cat turned his head and frowned, "I was hopin' this was our way of gettin' rid of him!"

"Nope." Lister popped the P.

"Ugh." 

Lister tapped a few more buttons, "alright, that's done. Holl?" He called.

Holly appeared on screen, "What's up dudes?"

"Hey Holl. How's Rimmer doing?" He asked.

"Errr just give me a sec." He disappeared for a second before reappearing.

"Arnold's crashed out on his bed again. Looks pretty hot."

Lister choked, "Say what, Holl?!" 

"He's just in his underwear and he's got a cold paper towel on his head. He looks like he's a bit hot."

Lister exhaled in realisation, why the hell did he think Holly was checking Rimmer out? What the hell was wrong with him. "Err yeah. Thanks Holl."

"What was all that about?" Cat raised an eyebrow.

"Huh?" Lister looked over at him.

"You acted like you'd just been asked by a pretty lady with huge melons if you wanna sleep with her!" Cat laughed.

"Woah where ya getting this from? Lister said, defensively.

"Man, you monkeys are really stupid." He sighed.

"What???"

"You know I can sense things right?! And I just sensed that youu, youuu, got all 'stiffy' when you heard Goal Post Head was layin' around in his undies!" Cat grinned, his fangs pointing out of his mouth.

"Cat! What the smeg are ya on about?!" He frowned. 

Cat rolled his eyes and stood up, "I try to tell 'em." He left, tutting.

Lister followed him out, extremely annoyed. There was one last job to do on the list and that was to clean out a nozzle on a drinks dispenser just down the hall from their sleeping quarters. He walked down a few sets of stairs and through some corridors until he eventually made it to their bunk room. He peeked his head in to see how Rimmer was doing as sure enough, Holly was right. 

Rimmer lay spewed out on the bed, his black boxers being the only thing he was wearing, exactly like Holly said. Lister felt his heartbeat speed up, what was wrong with him? He'd seen Rimmer like this before, he'd seen him get out of the shower, he'd seen him get changed all time too. So why was he suddenly shocked to see him. The man had a fever and was boiling, what did he expect? He was going to try and cool himself down. 

Lister took a deep breath and went in. He stood by Rimmer's side and gently peeled the now warmed paper towel off of his head. He binned it and replaced it with a new one. 

He quickly left, the doors sliding shut behind him as he made his way to clean out the nozzle.

\-------------------------------------------------

Later on, that evening, when Lister was laying around the bunkroom, Kryten came in to clean. He looked over at Rimmer and frowned, before looking over at Lister who was sitting at the table reading a comic desperately trying to not look at the practically naked man who was hanging half on the bed.

"Er sir, would you like me to change my schedule?" He whispered.

Lister looked up and nodded at him "Yeah, thanks Krytes." He smiled before returning to his comic. 

Rimmer's eyes fluttered open, he looked around the room frowning, "Ugh… where am I?" He touched his wet forehead.

"You're in ya bunk." Lister called from the table. Rimmer moved himself so he was sat up straight and winced as his eyes adjusted to the bright light.

"How long was I asleep for today?" He grumbled, rubbing a hand over his face.

"'Bout seven hours." Lister put the comic down, turning his head to look at him.

"Better than yesterday." He reached over for his dressing gown and slipped it on, too tired to tie it up.

"Hey let me get ya some water." Lister went over to the sink. He filled the glass and handed it to Rimmer before sitting down beside him.

Rimmer gulped it down quick, "Thank you."

"Anytime." 

\-------------------------------------------------

(1 week later)

Lister lay wrapped in the duvet nest with Rimmer. The hologram had his arms around his middle half, hugging him as he slept.

Rimmer had woken up in the middle of the night, freezing and Lister had 'offered him some body heat'.

Lister closed his eyes slowly as he felt his bunkmate nuzzle his face into the back of his neck.

"Thank you, Listy." Rimmer gently murmured, pressing his lips against Lister's neck.

He gasped at first before smiling and put his hands over the Hologram's. 

"You're welcome." 

Lister looked away and his hand quickly went over his mouth and nose.

Rimmer frowned, "Are you okay?"

He sneezed.

"Oh… Alright then. My turn." Rimmer smiled, pulling him back in.


	19. Can't you respect me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister finds Rimmer in the drive room. He's trying to delete something.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING - break downs**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I have a pretty heavy angst today. I put a trigger warning just incase.
> 
> Enjoy!

Lister found his bunkmate in the Drive Room,

"Alright man?" He grinned, standing next to the Hologram who was arched over the control panel.

"Arnold, you can't just erase footage off of the black box and not tell me why." Holly tutted.

"Holly, you bald headed git! Erase it! That's an order!" He screamed at the screen.

"Woah what's goin' on?" Lister folded his arms.

"Arnold's trying to erase somethin' from the black box." Holly turned his head to Lister.

"Space Corps directive 6283 states that--" He began.

"Rimmer, what are ya tryna erase?" Lister nudged him out of the way, looking at what was on the screen beside Holly.

On screen was the Inquisitor trial.

"Oh eh? That was two years ago!" Lister laughed, looking at the screen.

"Yes I know that, you gimboid. Now get out the way and let me carry on!" He shouldered Lister.

"Holly! Play the clip!" Lister sniggered, shoving Rimmer back.

"Lister! No! Holly! I order you to--"

"Nope! Go on Holly!" He put his hand over Rimmer's mouth and looked up at the screen.

Rimmer squealed and pulled himself away, gasping for air. "Lister stop it!"

_...'What else could I have been? My father was a half crazed military failure. My mother was a bitch queen from Hell." He paused, giving a broken look, "My brothers got all the looks and talent. What did I have? Unmanageable hair and ingrowing toenails." He paused again._

_'Yes I admit, I'm nothing… but from what I started with, nothing is up.'_

The clip ended.

Lister stood silently staring at the screen. He bit his lip and looked over at the hologram beside him, who had his eyes closed as if he were praying. He saw a simulated tear roll down his cheek.

"Rimmer--" He reached out to him before he took a blow to the side of the face. Lister fell and skidded a few metres away. He cried out in pain.

"WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME?" He screamed.

Lister moved his hand, luckily he wasn't bleeding. He let out a little cry as Rimmer continued to scream at him.

"OH, GOD ON IO. YOU MUST REALLY HATE ME!" He marched up to Lister and bent down, continuing to scream in his face.

Lister whimpered. When Rimmer was softlight, he could scream and throw as many fits as he wanted, but now he was hardlight? He could actually hurt people. Lister put his hands over his ears, trying to drown out the screams. Then he passed out.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister woke up wrapped in his duvet in his bunk. How did he get here? The side of his face felt as if someone had shot him. He sat up and slipped off of the bunk, going to take a paracetamol. He looked over to see if Rimmer was asleep, but the bed was empty. No one had slept in there since the morning.

He staggered over to the sink and turned on the tap, reaching across and picking up the box of painkillers.

After he'd finished a glass of water, Lister decided he'd find where all the rest of the posse were.

He found Cat and Kryten sat at a table in the cafeteria. Both looked very shaken.

"Eyo wassup?" Lister grinned, pulling a chair out.

"Mr Lister, how are you feeling?" Kryten tried to sound optimistic.

"Well, as good as I can Krytes." He smiled, light heartedly. 

"Bud… what happened?" Cat looked up, he usually made light of things like this but at this moment, he looked the darkest Lister had ever seen him.

"You mean with getting hit and all that?" Lister sat back, "Smeghead hit me."

"I told ya! We need to switch non-bud off! He's lost it! We'll turn him off and wipe the disk!" Cat turned to face Kryten.

"Oh but sir! I could never bring myself to do that!" 

"Woah woah woah! What's going on?" Lister frowned.

"Goal Post Head clearly isn't safe to be around. He's lost it!"

"It was my fault that he 'it me!" 

"How, sir? Mr Rimmer must've just lashed out! Oh sir, you're far too kind to provoke someone!" Kryten laughed.

"He was trying to delete something from the black box. I watched it right in front of him." 

"What was he tryna delete?" Cat raised an eyebrow.

"Er his trial with the Inquisitor." Lister massaged his bruise carefully.

"But, sir, that was over two years ago!" Kryten sounded dumbfounded.

"I know Krytes." His mouth pulled into a straight line, "Where is Rimmer at the moment?" 

"Locked himself in the Medi-Bay! The weasel!" Cat grumbled.

"When did you find me?" He asked.

Cat abruptly stood up and patted down his suit before leaving. Kryten bowed his head.

"What happened, Krytes?"

"Oh sir…"

"Krytes, tell me what happened."

The mechanoid winced, "Mr Rimmer came rushing into the laundry room, oh what a state he was in!" 

"Was he shouting again?"

"Oh yes! Oh the tears, sir! The tears!"

"Tears?" Lister's brow furrowed.

"He wouldn't stop crying! I've never seen him cry before! Oh it was terrible! He yanked me all the way to the drive room and when we found you, it only got worse!" 

"How did it get worse, Krytes?"

The mechanoid inhaled deeply, "Well he was kneeling by you and kept crying. He lashed out at Mr Cat, calling him a retarded moggy at one point! He refused to let anyone but I touch you."

Lister sat confused. Rimmer had been screaming at him one minute and the next he was crying? This wasn't like him at all. The bastard was probably guilty. 

"Thanks Krytes. I'm going to go give the bastard a taste of his medicine." He stood up and cracked his knuckles.

"Oh sir please don't!" The mechanoid copied him, standing up quickly.

"Huh?"

"Please don't! Mr Rimmer had a severe nervous breakdown. We were dealing with you and all of a sudden he left the room and began to scream and cry in the hallway! We were pinning him down and had to get Holly to fiddle with his disk." 

"Fiddle with his disk? What did he do?"

"Holly temporarily sedated him. It would've been too hard for us to have done it. Mr Rimmer woke up a few hours ago and has just cried since!" 

Lister paused. He couldn't process what was going on. "I'm still going to see him." He grumbled.

\-------------------------------------------------

On the way down, Lister tried to recall a time where he'd seen Rimmer cry. Never. Well maybe once he saw him sniffling in the early hours of the morning, trying to revise. He thought about him silently crying after seeing the footage. 

He approached the medi-bay and punched in the override pin. He expected it to not work but it did anyway. Lister walked in and found the Hologram sat on one of the beds, staring at the floor.

"Rimmer."

He looked up, startled. His eyes were slightly puffy.

"Lister."

"I've come to apolo--"

"Stop. I should be apologising. I was the one who hit you." His emotionless voice made the atmosphere in the room feel heavier.

Lister cautiously got closer.

"Do I scare you, Lister?" He stared right into Lister's eyes.

"Er not normally. Just a lil' bit now." He awkwardly tried to laugh it off.

"Cat wants to switch me off. I would normally disagree but right about now it sounds like a good idea, doesn't it Listy?"

"No it doesn't." His voice wavered slightly as he sat beside him.

"I can tell you're lying." He let out a deprecating laugh.

"Rimmer, I should've listened to ya."

"You don't mean it, Lister. Don't pretend that you do. I'm… I'm a monster." He gripped at the metal bed frame.

Lister felt an icy chill roll down his spine. He shivered.

"I hurt you, Lister." His hazel eyes met Lister's gaze. "I'm a monster." 

"No- No you're not." He reached out but Rimmer flinched away.

"Lister please, I don't want to hurt you." He gripped onto his curls.

"Insult me." 

"What..?"

"Call be a git or a sod or something!" Lister stared at him.

"Lister please." The hologram stood up, "I'm a monster. Don't let me hurt you." His voice broke and he ran.

He listened as the sound of footsteps disappeared into the emptiness of the ship. Lister put a hand over his mouth. He felt sick knowing this was what Rimmer really thought of himself. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer ran until he couldn't feel his legs anymore, where could he go? He had to get as far away from Lister as possible. His duty? The reason he was brought back? No… he'd failed. He'd hurt Lister. He was less than nothing. 

He rushed into an old sleeping quarters and collapsed to the floor, sobbing. He wanted to be angry at Lister but no matter what, he could only think about him hitting him and how he cried in pain. 

When he was alive he would've cut himself but now he was indestructible? There was no point in self harm. The hologram hugged his knees and cradled himself.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister knew he had to find him. He didn't care what Rimmer said. He needed to find him.

"Holl!" He called.

"What's up dudes?" He appeared and smiled.

"Can you tell me where Rimmer's gone?" 

"Er alright. Just give me a sec."

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer woke up with a blanket draped over him, he propped himself up a little and rubbed his sore eyes.

Someone gently groaned from behind him. 

He turned his head to see Lister, who looked equally a mess, waking up slowly.

"Lister?!" He began to tremble as he pulled himself away.

"You're awake." He grumbled and sat up, massaging his head.

"Lister what do you think you're playing at? I told you to stay away from me!"

He sighed and shuffled forwards, "Listen here, smeghead, I'm not scared of ya. Ya don't scare me."

Rimmer looked at the floor and then back up again, "But I'm a monster…?"

"No yer not, ya smeghead."

"Lister, I'm nothing. I'm less than nothing." He snapped.

Lister masked his beam of hope. He had to keep annoying Rimmer, he knew that would be the way to get him to insult him.

"Oh yeah? Well Rimsy, sorry to say to you but you're fantastic!"

"What? Excuse me?" He frowned.

"You do amazing things all the time, we take ya for granted man." 

"What amazing things do I do? Hm?" 

"You're an amazing stand-in capt'n." He grinned.

"Oh leave it would you?" He grumbled.

Smeg. Think of something.

"Do you remember a few months ago when we celebrated your death anniversary and you were really drunk? And you just kept dancing?" 

"Lister!" He hissed, "We don't talk about that!"

"Oh smeg we are going to. Ya danced until you dropped! Andddd you kissed me." He sniggered.

"Lister! I did not kiss you!"

"Ya did!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!" He leant forward and smugly smiled at the Hologram.

"Well, if I did, I clearly wasn't thinking straight."

"Oh are ya sure, Rimmeh? I think I remember you trying to pull me into your bunk!"

"Lister! You goit! Shut up!" He snapped.

"I'm a goit am I?"

"Yes you pigheaded little son of a bitch! Not even the biggest pricks on Io, like my father, could piss me off as much as you!" He screamed.

"Oh Rimmer!" He sighed with relief.

"What?!" The angry hologram frowned.

Lister flung his arms around him and tackled him to the ground before making himself comfortable on top of the hologram.

"What the smeg do you think you're smegging doing, m'laddo!" He tried to pull Lister off but there was no use.

"I had to sleep on this cold floor ya know. It took smegging foreva to find ya, and here ya are!" He nuzzled his face into Rimmer's chest.

Rimmer yelped, "Lister! Stop being a git and get off of me!" 

"Nope. I've missed you insulting me." He sighed.

After a few minutes or so, Rimmer stopped fighting it. He placed his hands on Lister's back and a kiss on the top of his head before he relaxed, letting sleep take him once again.


	20. Sauce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister finds Rimmer cooking in the kitchen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're all well. Today we have a little fluffy fic :) 
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer carefully stirred the pasta sauce, adding in the herbs and chopped tomatoes as he mixed. He was so immersed in the cooking that he didn't notice Lister had snuck up next to him.

"What ya doing?" His Scouse accent startled Rimmer.

"Ah for smegs sake!" He flinched.

Lister sniggered and looked into the saucepan, "What ya cooking?" 

"Nothing." Rimmer grumbled before pouring a tablespoon of sugar into the sauce.

"Clearly, ya cookin' something." He picked up the small notebook Rimmer had laid open by the hob. 

"Lister! Don't touch that!" He violently stirred the sauce before pausing completely and resuming the gentle speed he had before.

Lister, who was now flicking through the small notepad, was surprised to find multiple different recipes inside. Rimmer's extremely neat handwriting filled every page, annotations and notes scribbled down besides chunks of texts and lists of ingredients. 

"Do you mind, Lister? I'm trying to do something."

"Fine I'll go… but only if ya answer one question." He smirked.

Rimmer looked away from the sauce and his brow furrowed, "Ugh. What do you want, you git."

"When did you learn to cook? Because I remember one time you tried to cook for us and we all nearly died of food poisoning!"

He groaned and using his free hand, snatched the notepad back off of Lister. 

"Well come on then! I want an answer." Lister leant against the worktop.

Rimmer internally screamed, "Do you understand how hard it is to use the Skutters?!"

"Er yeah. Remember that time we swapped bodies?" 

He rolled his eyes, "Have you ever tried to cook without using your hands, Lister?"

"Well no…"

"I can cook perfectly fine! I just… being dead makes it hard… but I'm a hardlight hologram now, I can cook again!"

"Are ya any good?" Lister gave a cheshire cat grin.

"I said one question, gimboid, or can't you count?" He snapped before taking a small teaspoon and dipping it into the sauce. He brought it a few centimetres from his lips and carefully blew on the steaming liquid before putting the spoon into his mouth. 

Lister stared at him, mesmerised.

Rimmer stared into nothingness for a second before snapping back into reality, "Lister can you pass me the salt?" He nodded at the small container beside the other man. No response, "Lister!"

"Huh?! Oh!" He quickly grabbed the small shaker and passed it to Rimmer who rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"What are you staring at?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Oh erm.. nothing." 

"Whatever... now, scram!" He fluttered his hand, signalling for him to leave.

"Rimmer…"

The hologram groaned, "What is it now, Lister?!" 

"Can I try some of yer sauce?" 

"Excuse me?" Rimmer turned his head, wide-eyed.

"You said you can cook. Prove it." He smirked.

"Lister, I don't have to prove anything to you." His eyes narrowed, "You don't even like pasta." 

"I know but you say you can cook and I don't believe it!" 

Rimmer bit his lip lips shut and turned the heat down, "You know what, fine. You are an absolute goit and I hope you know that." He muttered.

Lister made a fist and flexed his arm.

"Behave yourself or I won't let you have any." Rimmer cautiously lifted a new teaspoon out into the red sauce and back out again before putting his hand underneath it, in case it dripped. 

The Hologram guided it until it was a few inches from his mouth, "Blow on it. Gently." 

Lister nodded and sucked in a bit of air before slowly releasing his breath onto the hot spoon, watching the steam get blown away.

Rimmer continued to guide it, carefully putting the warm spoon into Lister's mouth.

There was a brief pause. Rimmer anxiously fiddled with his apron as Lister narrowed his eyes. He turned away, unable to deal with Lister's stalling.

"Rimmer…"

The hologram winced, "How inedible is it?"

"This… this…"

"Just spit out for smeg's sake!"

"This is amazing." Lister stared into nothingness, his eyes wide open, "This is beyond amazing.."

"If you're just saying that--"

"No! I mean it man! This is just…. I can't even describe it." 

"Ugh stop overreacting." The hologram blushed, taking the spoon back and throwing it into the sink.

"Where did you learn to cook like that?!" 

Rimmer paused again. "Back on Io… when my brother's used to pick on me… I would hide in the kitchens. Some of the staff got used to me and taught me how to cook not long after I became pretty malnourished. I was young at the time, seven or eight." 

"That's the best pasta sauce I've ever tasted." Lister reached out and placed his hand on Rimmer's back. He felt as his simulated muscles tensed up a little.

"Please tell me if you're trying to make fun of me." He sighed.

Lister reached across and cupped the left side of his face, turning his head so it was facing him, "Why can't you accept the compliment man? I'm serious!"

Rimmer winced, "Whenever people compliment me… they usually take it back and laugh." 

"Ah ya smeghead." Lister hugged him tightly.

"Lister! Be careful!" 

"It's alright man." He smoothed his back.

Rimmer let out a little cry and wrapped his arm around Lister's back, holding him close.

"Rimmer…" he nuzzled his face into him.

"Yeah?" Rimmer massaged the other man's scalp.

"I don't suppose you could dish up some pasta for me as well…?"

"Seriously?" He exclaimed.

"You cook better pasta than Kryten… don't tell him I said that."

Rimmer laughed softly as he pulled away and turned the heat off completely.

"Fine. Just scram, until I find you, you gimboid, I don't want to say I've been cutting onions even though it's fairly evident there aren't any onions here." He sniffled, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

Lister lent up and kissed his lips softly before backing away and walking off.

The hologram stared breathlessly at the sauce, did Lister just kiss him over SAUCE? ….SAUCE…? His wildest dream just came true over SAUCE. He got a kiss over SAUCE. Rimmer quickly pulled his pen out of his breast pocket and scribbled onto the pasta recipe:

'Lister likes the sauce' before putting a circle around his annotation.


	21. Only the Truth (pt.1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Posse land on a 3 biomed planet, fields, beaches and forests. But like everything else, nothing seems to go right.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING - Childhood Trauma**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! It's mini series time! I have a 2 chapter story for y'all so I hope you enjoy! There is a trigger warning because there is a mention of self harm in this angst fic (look after yourselves 💖)
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer sat with his head in his hands alone in the Starbug cock-pit. The other three were enjoying the beach planet they had found outside whilst he sat alone. Rimmer wanted to join them, he really did, but he didn't have the confidence to sit around in short shorts and be shirtless. He hated his body. He hated everything about himself. 

He remembered Lister being snapping at him when he tried to explain that 'he didn't do the beach'. Truth be told, he'd never been to one. When he was younger, his parents took his brothers on trips to the beach whilst he was either at home studying or at home locked in the basement. Frankly, he was scared, he didn't know what to expect.

"Sup dude." Holly appeared on the screen behind him.

"Hello Holly." He mumbled.

"Why aren't ya out with the others, Arnold?" Holly asked.

"I have absolutely no experience of beaches and quite frankly, I'm petrified." He suddenly blurted out.

"Yeh what?" Holly said in confusion.

"I-- I don't know why I said that…? It's not true of course." 

"Erm okay." He thought for a bit. "Arnold, what were the last words you said before you died?"

"Holly! That's none of-- Gazpacho soup!" His hand flew over his mouth.

"Oh eh. I've figured it out." He nodded, pleased with himself.

"What is it then, you senile git." He muttered.

"There's a magnetic force." 

"And?"

"Whenever I ask a direct question, the force is making you give me a straight, honest answer. Cool innit?" 

Rimmer smirked. He could use this to his advantage. He was going to humiliate Lister, Kryten and that brain dead Cat. Perfect.

\-------------------------------------------------

"Lister!" Rimmer called from the grass bank, too afraid to stand on the sand. He couldn't see him anywhere.

"Oh sir!" Kryten waved from under a parasol, "Mr Lister has just gone into the sea!"

Rimmer winced as he placed his boot onto the sand, he made his way over as if he was on a tightrope.

"Hey, non-bud, we didn't think you'd be here!" Cat grumbled, sitting up from his deck chair.

"Why are you such a brain dead moggy?" He grinned.

"Because I never had an education and both of my parents were extremely dumb!" He blurted out. Cat put his hand over his mouth, "That ain't true! I didn't mean to say that!" 

"Oh sir! You alright?" Kryten handed him a cup of water.

"I am perfectly fine besides being a complete and total selfish pussy who is currently frightened of the fact I am currently unable to tell lies." 

Kryten and Cat stared in disbelief before turning to Rimmer, "What did you do, Non bud?"

"Holly found a magnetic force which is forcing us all to tell the truth." He slapped himself. 

"Hey guys! What ya doing!" Lister ran across the sand before sliding down beside Kryten.

"We are all currently unable to lie when a direct question is asked." They said in unison.

"Err???"

Rimmer put his hands over his mouth and backed away a little.

Cat stood up and began to back away from the others.

"Oh sirs! This really isn't helping."

"What're we gonna do, Krytes?"

"The best thing to do would be to go back to Starbug and leave, but we're all so thick that we're going to search the rest of this planetoid." 

Lister frowned, "This is weird, man."

"None of us ask anyone questions! Deal?!" Rimmer snapped, annoyed that his plan had backfired. He glanced down at his sand covered boots and whimpered.

"Hey, what's up with you Goal Post Head?" Cat abruptly turned to face him.

"When I was a child, my family would have a yearly trip to the man made beaches on Io. They always took my brothers but either forced me to study harder or locked me in the basement. I have never been to a beach before and I am frankly rather scared." The words fell out of his mouth like water. He put his hand over his mouth again and stifled a cry.

"Ah man…" Lister scrambled to his feet and tried to put his hand on his shoulder.

"Get away from me!" Rimmer screamed out, swatting him away. He dropped his hand and proceeded to run back towards the grass bank.

"Rimmeh!" Lister screamed, picking up his shirt and running after him.

"Sirs!" Kryten stood up.

"They'll be fine, bud." Cat got sat back down on the deck chair and continued to sunbathe.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer collapsed into the long, dry grass. The scorching sun above him was really pissing him off.

"Rimmer!" Lister plonked down beside him.

"Leave me alone!" He panted, trying to roll away.

"Hey man, you're gonna overheat in that jacket." Lister rubbed his sandy hands against the prickly grass.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?!" Rimmer shouted.

"Because I'm genuinely worried about your safety and your mental wellbeing." Lister stared at him.

"Wha?" The hologram stopped fidgeting.

"Well that wasn't what I was intending to say but, there ya go."

Rimmer shuffled away, "You don't mean that."

"Of course I do!" He reached out, touching the hot blue jacket, "You should take this off."

"No! I'm not taking it off, gimboid."

Lister pounced, he grabbed the other man and pinned him to the grass as he undid the buttons on his jacket.

"LISTER! Get off of me!" Rimmer tried to free his hands, which he was currently crushing under his back.

"Nope!" Lister yanked it off before it disappeared into nothingness, he looked up at the Hologram in his black t-shirt. "Why don't ya put some shorts on?" 

Rimmer tried to silence himself, god he tried but no matter what he did with his hands, he couldn't shut himself up. "My thighs are covered in scars from the self harming I used to do when I was younger, they're barely visible but I hate seeing them." Tears rolled down his cheeks and he punched himself.

"Rimmer what the smeg is going on with you?" Lister shuffled closer.

"I'm too afraid to open up and talk to people in case I scare them and they leave me." He sobbed, "Please stop asking questions!" 

Lister scooped him into his arms and cradled him. This was Rimmer, right? The guy who laughed at the idea of friendship and romance. The most unlovable person to ever exist? Right? "Hey, it's okay man." 

"Go away Lister!" He tried to shove him away.

"Talk to me, man. Please. This always happens!" 

"What always happens?"

"Ya don't tell anyone how you feel! And it bubbles up and smeg like this happens." He stroked Rimmer's soft curls.

"You wouldn't understand, Lister." 

"You don't know that!" 

"Yes I do." He gave a final shove and broke free. He scrambled to his feet and stared down at Lister who was pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Let me help--"

"NO!" He screamed, "No." 

"Rimmer--"

The hologram legged it again. They'd passed Starbug ages ago and now he was just running.

Eventually he found himself lost in a forest. The planetoid itself wasn't very big but there had been 3 biomes. The ocean, grassland and the Forest on the far side. Rimmer slumped down under a tree and felt something wet drip down his neck, at first he assumed it was just water until he looked up. 

It wasn't water.


	22. Only the Truth (pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it wasn't water... what was it? (Pt.2 of Only the Truth)
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING - Childhood trauma, mention of suicide**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you're all doing well. Today's fic is hella dark, apologies. I put a trigger warning because of a few lil things. Also, I'm straight so I didn't want to say the f slur incase I offended anyone so I just kinda put what I meant in brackets "(insert f slur here)".
> 
> Well anyway, Enjoy!

Lister ran his fingers through his hair as he sat in the grass. He really smegged that up, didn't he? It wasn't his fault entirely, right? He groaned and clambered to his feet, wondering if he should go after the hologram or not. Yes. He ought to go find him.

\-------------------------------------------------

"Please… stop it." Rimmer sat in shorts which had been pulled way up above his waist, as the other three laughed at him, Lister, Cat and Kryten. The hologram hugged himself, staring at the almost faded scars on his thighs. He let out a sob before a blow to the back of the head sent him flying forward.

No.

He couldn't be back here.

No.

He was back here.

No.

Please someone.

No.

Please someone help.

Rimmer was now back in his normal uniform, he was on all fours as his eyes began to adjust to the room. He was back here. He was in the basement of his family home back on Io.

He scrambled to his feet and legged it up the stairs: he knew them far too well. Rimmer threw himself at the door and it flung open. He ran towards the exit before a pair of hands grabbed him and pulled him back. 

He was laying on an operating table but was bound and gagged. The figures emerged. 

Nirvanah Crane. She grinned at him before slapping him across the face. He nails digging into his skin. 

Yvonne McGruder. Punched him in the abdomen, twice.

Dave Lister. Branded a 'H' onto his forehead.

Rimmer let out a scream of agony and he sat up. He was facing a mirror but he had no reflection. He frowned in confusion, before staggering over to it. Rimmer extended his fingers and pressed them against the glass before a figure jumped forward.

\------------------------------------------------- 

Lister had decided to go back and get the others before they went to find Rimmer. Three's a crowd, am I right?

"I don't know why we're botherin', buds." Cat grumbled.

"He's part of the posse guys, the boys from the Dwarf! We can't just… leave him!" Lister insisted.

"Goal Post Head is the most horrible thing I've ever seen since that time I dropped my hair gel!" Cat cried out.

"He has a point, sir. Mr Rimmer is such a smee hee! No one likes him!" Kryten agreed with Cat.

"I like 'im!" Lister snapped.

"Oh sir, we know you don't actually." Kryten chortled.

"You know what? You two, just go back to Starbug." He adjusted the bazookoid strap on his shoulder, "Wait there until I get back."

\------------------------------------------------

"Who the smeg are you…?" Rimmer stared at the figure.

He rolled his eyes, "I'm your Low self. I'm everything you hate about yourself." He grinned.

Rimmer gripped his own shoulder, "That's… that's not true."

"I'm the part of you that everyone hates."

"Then why do you look like a punk rock singer?!" 

"Take the hint, my pretty." He purred, before flaunting his legs.

"Oh no no, mi'laddo. I am not gay." He hissed.

His Low self rolled his eyes, "Oh please."

"I am not!" He stared at his fishnet stockings, "When have I ever had a sexual fantasy about another man?!"

He laughed a dirty laugh, "All of the time." He pouted at him.

"That's not true!"

"Oh please! Father tried to beat it out of us, Arnie. How it was such a sin back on Io." He gave a toothy grin, "All those conversion therapists. Don't pretend that they worked. We only had sexual liaisons with women as an attempt to look straight! We never loved McGruder or Crane, did we? We wanted to sleep with men." 

Rimmer's grip on himself tightened.

"Arnie, admit it." 

"No…"

"Admit it. You're gay."

"No!"

"You want to have a pair of strong arms hold you, don't you?" He purred.

The hologram began to question everything he'd ever done. "Oh god… Oh god… I-- I'm gay…" he gasped and fell to his knees. "I'm really gay--"

Suddenly there was a pounding on the glass and he looked up to see his father smashing his fist against the mirror.

"You (insert the f slur here)!" 

Rimmer let out a sob. Why was this happening? 

"Face me like a man, you fairy!" He screamed.

He got to his feet and realised there was about twenty metres apart from them, what was going on? He looked around, nothingness, so he made his way towards the mirror.

"You bent bastard! You're no son of mine!" His father began pounding his fist harder against the glass.

Rimmer stumbled, the glass was about a metre away from him and he was going to touch it. He was going to smash it.

"YOU'RE DISGUSTING. JUST KILL YOURSELF." His father laughed. His brother's appeared by his father's side, laughing and imitating hanging and cutting themselves. 

He moved his hands up to his curls and gripped onto them. He put his hands over his ears trying to drown them out, he was going to smash the mirror. A black liquid flooded into the nothingness from behind, it licked at his ankles, reminding him of the waves down at the beach.

"You gonna go cry, Arnie?" Howard laughed.

"Rimmer!" Someone called from behind him. It was faint and barely existent.

He turned his head a little.

"There's no one there! No one is going to save you." Frank grinned.

"RIMMMERRR!" The voice was ever so slightly louder.

"Just kill yourself." John punched the mirror and he stumbled backwards, the oozing liquid splashing onto his knees.

The mirror began to warp and Low Rimmer reappeared, he ran his hands over his feathery shoulder pads and down onto his leather jacket. "Face it, my pretty. They can't hurt us anymore. Don't listen to them."

"Kill yourself!" A voice echoed through the room, "switch yourself off!"

He couldn't fight it anymore. He was going to switch himself off for good. Rimmer pressed his fingers into his chest as he watched them disappear into his form. He looked up at Low Rimmer who was just staring at him, pain in his eyes as his face remained emotionless.

A pair of arms grabbed him from behind.

\-------------------------------------------------

Once Lister had entered the forest he knew something was up. Especially when Kryten and Cat came running behind him, armed.

"Hey what's up?" He frowned as the other two glanced around nervously.

"Despair Squid…" Cat gritted his teeth.

"What?!"

"It isn't fully grown, sir." Kryten scanned the area.

"How's it out of the water?!" Lister cocked the bazookoid.

"Well sir, it seems the young are able to go onto land, like a reverse frog really! They start off with the ability to go onto land and end only in the water." Kryten suddenly turned, "My radar is telling me that way, sir!"

The three ran north, going deeper into the forest.

It swiped at them. Lister rolled to the left and Cat went to the right, Kryten stumbled backwards. Cat fired and it let out a screeching noise.

"DON'T LET IT INK US!" Lister fired this time.

"Sir, Look!" Kryten called as one of it's tentacles seemed to be disappearing off somewhere.

"I'LL FOLLOW IT! YOU TWO TRY AND KILL IT!" Lister shouted, ducking under a tentacle which Cat had managed to blow off.

"We got this, bud!" Cat fired again, rolling to the side.

Lister got up and ran, following the black tentacle as it twisted itself through the trees. Damn, he felt like something was missing. Rimmer. Holy smeg! Where was Rimmer?!

"RIMMER!" He screamed. No reply.

God damn it. Where was the daft smegger?! He ran for what felt like five minutes until he came to the edge of the woods. He looked out and saw emptiness, he was confused at first until he saw the massive cliff edge. And then he saw Rimmer at the edge, covered in ink.

"Smeg! RIMMMERRR!" He screamed and fired at the tentacle. It lunged at him, if they could do that? And he ran around it, continuing to fire until he split it half. Most of it broke off and turned into the black ink whilst the last few metres disappeared back into the trees.

Rimmer.

The hologram now had his hand inside himself. Oh smeg. He was going to destroy his lightbee.

"NO!" Lister ran for it, he threw the bazookoid into the gunge and tackled Rimmer to the side. They were so close to the edge so Lister rolled backwards, bringing him with him. Now he too was covered in ink. No. He had to fight it. 

"RIMMER." He screamed, yanking his arm out of his torso. The hologram snapped back to reality. 

"Wha…?"

Lister sobbed, pressing his forehead against Rimmer's mouth. He lifted his head, "Are ya alright?"

"No. I just suffered a very traumatic experience." He face palmed, remembering they were still on the planet.

"Hey, relax. Take a deep breath, okay?" Lister scrambled off of the Hologram and got to his feet. He offered him his hand, which Rimmer took gingerly as he helped him up.

"C'mon, let's go kill that smegging slag before someone else gets inked."

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister hobbled back into the bunkroom after having a shower. He looked over at the hologram who was trying to clean a cut, that he had managed to acquire on his cheek, with some antiseptic. 

"Hey, let me help ya." He adjusted his shirt before standing by his bunkmate's side.

Rimmer winced as he let Lister hold the cotton ball to his cheek, "Lister.."

"Yeah?" 

"There's something that I ought to tell you…" he bit his lip anxiously.

"Yeah, man, go ahead." Lister looked at him, Rimmer was staring at his reflection.

"Let's get one thing straight, okay?"

"Sure." 

"I'm not."

"Yer not what?"

Rimmer took a deep breath, Lister realised he was shaking.

"I'm not straight." He put his hand over his mouth.

Lister tried to act surprised, "Really?"

"Yes erm… I- I've only just come to terms with it… God I tried to be straight."

"What made ya accept it then?" Lister gently played with the curls at the back of his head, trying to calm him down.

Rimmer turned his head away from the mirror, looking right into Lister's eyes, "I met my Low self…"

Lister winced.

"I know… He got me to accept myself… My father didn't want a bent son, Lister. I tried so hard." His voice broke and Lister scooped him into his arms.

"Hey it's okay, man, I kinda guessed already." He laughed softly.

"How?!"

"I met your Low self before you, remember?" He ran his fingers across Rimmer's silk pyjamas.

Rimmer sniffled, "If it makes you uncomfortable I can move quarters." 

Lister held him tighter, "You daft smegger. It doesn't bother me who you like."

He broke away and stared down at his bunkmate and mouthed 'thank you'.

Lister laughed and leant upwards, pressing his lips against the holograms. The kiss lasted for what felt like hours, the pair just holding onto each other as if nothing else in the universe seemed to matter anymore.

"Love ya, smeghead." He stroked his cheek with the back of his hand when they broke apart.

"Gimboid." Rimmer rolled his eyes, blushing.

"I'm your gimboid, though." He leant up to kiss him again.

"Yes… you are."


	23. Another bloody one pt.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What did ever happen to the second polymorph in the container...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! I'm really happy because we just reached 1000 hits!! Woooo!! Thank you all so much 💖
> 
> Okay, so I was proud of Holly in this. I really struggle to write Holly and Kryten but I feel like I did decent in this. 
> 
> I'm posting another fic today because I am bored af. I know my time table is usually every 2 days so I'll post pt.2 tomorrow and we'll be able to go back to normal.
> 
> Well anyway, hope you're well, Enjoy!

Lister paced the drive room anxiously as Holly maneuvered the ship.

"How's it lookin, Holl?" He bit the nail on his right thumb.

"Seems alright so far, Dave. Can't see anything-- oh."

"What? What's wrong?!" 

"Something's just got into the landing bay." 

"That's not what I was on about but… oh smeggin 'ell." Lister groaned before snatching a mic off of the panel, "Rimmer?"

A long pause.

"Rimmer?"

"Kryten?"

"Sir?" 

"Oh thank god. Is Cat or Rimmer with ya?"

"Why yes sir, Mr Cat is having a nap on the laundered sheets. I don't know where Mr Rimmer is though."

Lister froze, "Holl… What is onboard?"

The head furrowed his brow before disappearing for a few moments. He reappeared with a displeased look on his face.

"I'm going to want you to not panic, okay Dave?"

"What is it Holl?!"

"There is a polymorph on board… and well…"

"Well what?!" Lister frowned.

The screen changed and Rimmer was sitting on the floor, his legs outstretched. Smeg.

"Oh smeg no…" Lister frowned, his hand going over his mouth.

"He's alright Dave… I think the little morphy's got to him though."

"Oh god…"

"I dunno what's been taken from him. I'm looking at his emotions file… oh." 

"What?"

"I dunno what it is, Dave, but there's a massive chunk gone." He sighed.

"Oh, we are in some deep smeg."

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister stared at the Hologram. His moppy brown curls hung loosely around the sides of his head.

He stared back at Lister and gave a devilish grin, he clasped his hands together and pressed them to his chest, "Listy!"

"Rimmer… Holy smeg.." he grumbled.

Cat frowned at him and did a little circle, looking at Rimmer the whole time.

Kryten shielded his eyes and shook his head, unable to figure out what was wrong.

The hologram turned to Cat and smiled at him, "Loving the style." 

Cat couldn't help but grin, "Well what can I say, non-bud? I am the god of lookin' fly! YEOOWW!" He squealed.

The four stared at each other. Not knowing what was going on.

Rimmer turned his attention back to Lister and he blushed, "If you don't mind me, I'm going to change into something else. Okay?"

"Uh yeah.. Whatever man."

"Mr Rimmer, would you like one of your jackets?" Kryten held up the blue uniform.

The hologram burst out laughing, "Please! You wouldn't catch any sane man dressed in that dreary old thing!"

"Oh my Cloister! He's speakin' my language!" Cat gasped.

Rimmer skipped out of the room. He skipped… 

Lister desperately tried to think what had been taken.

"Sup dudes." Holly appeared.

"Holly! Have ya managed to find out what's missin?!"

"'Fraid so."

"What is it?" Lister bit his lip.

"All of his guilt, embarrassment and resentfulness seem to have vanished." 

"That weird, sir… The time with the Emohawk, it took all of Mr Rimmer's bitterness, which included all of those things, why not this time?"

"It's only a little baby." Holly cooed.

Lister pinched the bridge of his nose and began to pace the room, what would Rimmer do in this situation? 

The doors slid open and Cat aimed his bazookoid at the door. It wasn't the polymorph… Holy smeg.

Rimmer came in with fishnet stockings which went up just above his knee where suspenders peeked out under his black shorts. He wore a rainbow shirt.. oh wait that wasn't an ordinary rainbow…

"Damn non-bud! You have style!" Cat grinned, dropping his aim.

"Hold on sirs, how do we know this is Mr Rimmer?!" Kryten protested in disbelief.

"Ask me a question!" He scrunched up a handful of his curls.

"Oh erm…" Lister thought desperately. "What are my two main phobias?" 

The hologram sighed and stuck out his thumb and index finger. He pointed at his thumb,

"You have claustrophobia." And then at his index, "Arachnophobia."

"Yup that's Rimmer." Lister sighed as the other man made his way to his side. Lister stared down at his shiny military boots besides Lister's scuffed ones. 

Suddenly, Rimmer pressed a kiss against his cheek before blushing and pulling away.

"Did he just- Did non-bud just..?" Cat gurgled.

"Sorrrryyyy. Couldn't resist a tiger like you." Rimmer imitated a growl.

"Oi don't forget there's a polymorph on board and it's going to get bigger-- Gordon Bennett! What happened to Arnold?!" Holly's eyes widened.

"Came out of the closet." He puckered his lips and gave a hair flick.

"Wait hold on… are you telling us, you're gay?" Lister frowned.

"Isn't it kinda obvious?" Rimmer raises an eyebrow, "You're not homophobic or anything, are you?" 

"No no no! I just mean, I thought you liked women?"

"Nope! I'd rather have cock." 

Cat let out a cry, "Can you two monkeys save it? We have a demon slug onboard!"

"Oh right! Yes!" The Hologram quickly snapped to an attempt of an attention stand.

"Mr Cat and I will check the west side of the ship, sir, if that's okay?" Kryten stammered.

"Uh yeah, sure." Lister nodded and turned to face Rimmer who was struggling to hold the bazookoid.

Kryten and Cat quickly shuffled out, armed. 

The other two made their way down a few corridors, cautiously.

"So, how ya feeling?" Lister coughed.

Rimmer smiled at him, "Tickety boo, Listy!"

"Right.." 

The hologram stopped dead in his tracks, his playful smile vanished before he shoved Lister into a broom cupboard and locked the door.

"What the smeg?!" Lister cried, taking an elbow to the ribs.

"Sh…. That thing is outside… I saw it.."

Lister gulped as he felt soft curls brush against his cheek. The sound of footsteps fading away was the only sound beside his pounding heartbeat.

"Okay… we're safe." Rimmer unlocked the door and peeked out, "No one's around, mi'laddo."

"Good. Let's go." Lister nudged him out.

"Back out of the closet." Rimmer whispered to himself.

They continued to walk down the corridor in silence until Lister couldn't take it anymore.

"So then… you're gay?"

"Uhuh, like I said."

"Right…" Lister watched as the other man's thighs gently brushed against themselves. "When did you realise you were gay, huh?"

Rimmer scoffed, "Ever since I can remember I knew I was different. I got bullied for being a poof back on Io, ya know." 

"Really?"

"Man shall not sleep with man." He mimicked a stern voice before bursting into giggles.

"Also thanks for savin' me back there."

"You're welcome, Listy, I mean… It's my job to look after you." His large hazel eyes gazed into Lister's.

Lister smiled and the hologram blushed, he took a step towards him and the gap between them decreased instantly.

"Well…" Lister brought his hand to Rimmer's cheek, tentatively touching it.

"Lister has anyone ever told you how attractive you are?" The hologram whispered beneath his breath.

"Yes… but no one does it like you." He weakly responded.

Rimmer closed the gap, their lips met. It started off soft, where they gingerly kissed and soon it became more heated. Lister slid his hands into Rimmer's locks and smoothed them with his thumbs.

Rimmer let his hands explore over Lister's torso and he had him pinned up against the wall.

"Polymorph…" Lister suddenly broke away.

"Oh smeg! You're right!" Rimmer gasped, "I'm sorry! I distracted you--"

"I'm never going to get used to you apologising to me without being forced to." Lister laced their fingers together. "Let's go, smeghead."


	24. Another bloody one pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pt.2 of whatever happened to the second polymorph?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. So here's part two (part 1 was yesterday).
> 
> Enjoy!

Cat lay face down on the floor as Kryten came rushing around the corner.

"Oh sir! Are you alright?" The mechanoid quickly helped him up.

"The little bastard disguised himself as a control panel." Cat replied with a heavy stern voice.

"Oh sir! It seems he's taken away your cowardness!" 

"Hah. That's why I don't feel anything, Metal Man." He grumbled, cocking the bazookoid and doing a scan of the corridor. "The little shit ain't here. Let's move."

"Oh of course." Kryten nodded, slightly uncomfortable about Cat being so stern all of a sudden.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer sat by a dispensing machine sipping out of the styrofoam cup in his hand.

"So then.." Lister scratched just above his left eyebrow, "Anything else ya wanna tell me?" He sat down next to the hologram with his own cup.

"Not that I can think of." He smiled sweetly.

"Anything the nice Rimmer wants to ask me?" He teased.

Rimmer giggled, a real giggle, "Err nope. Just maybe why you put so much sugar in coffee."

"It makes it taste better!" He protested.

"It makes it sickening, that's what!" Rimmer smiled at him.

"Sup dudes." Holly appeared on screen.

"Hello Holl."

"Hi Holly!"

"The polymorph's got to the Cat. You'd best head over that way." He pulled a straight smile.

"Alright, let's go." Lister got to his feet, picking up the bazookoid.

Rimmer scrambled up beside him, "To find Cat and Kryten." He nervously grinned.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister found Kryten wailing and hiding in a corner.

"Oh sir!" He sobbed.

"What?! What's wrong Krytes?!" He rushed over.

"Well the polymorph got Mr Cat and we kept looking and we refound it and.." he sobbed.

"And what Krytes?!"

Rimmer took the bazookoid out of Lister's hand and began to patrol the room.

"And the Polymorph disguised itself as a mop and my surpression--"

"Oh… right." Lister grumbled, "Where's Cat?"

Suddenly Lister fell forward. He gripped the back of his head and arched forward.

"Hey!" Rimmer snapped from behind.

"Oh. It's just you two." Lister recognised Cat's voice only it was empty and emotionless.

Something moved outside and Rimmer cocked the bazookoid.

"What was that?" He narrowed his eyes.

"I dunno." Lister winced.

Cat ran to his side and cocked his bazookoid as well.

Suddenly, the door on the other side came flying open and stood in front of them, was… Kochanski?

"Kris?!" Lister laughed with relief.

"Dave!" She glanced around the room. "Who the hell are these guys?"

Lister began to walk towards her before Rimmer fired, missing. He turned to face the hologram who was shaking. Kochanski stumbled backwards

"Get the smeg away from him!" Rimmer snapped through gritted teeth.

"Rimmer, man, what are you on about?!" 

"Come on Dave!" She insisted.

"Lister, wait! Think logically here, please! Why would Kochanski just randomly turn up?!" He cried out.

"Polymorphs can't become humans!" Lister growled.

"Oh they can sir!" Kryten wailed, "They do it to lure in people!"

"Ah come on!" Lister shouted, "Kris let's go." 

Cat fired. It was meant to hit the polymorph but it reacted quickly, pulling Lister into it's path.

Rimmer screamed. He didn't know how to react. He just screamed. 

"Mr Lister!" Kryten choked.

Cat stared blankly at the unconscious being who was laying in front of him, a few feet away.

No. Don't get upset. Don't let it feed off of your emotions, Rimmer thought to himself. 

The polymorph began to change again. Oh smeg.

Smeg smeg smeg.

Why him?

Rimmer staggered backwards when he saw his father. He knew it wasn't him but it was pain to look at him.

"You disgusting nancy!" He snarled.

"No.. no…" Rimmer shook his head.

"Don't listen to it Arnold." Holly desperately pleaded.

"You're not real!" He cried as suddenly the polymorph changed again. It was a sort of oozing blob which had long spindly arms. It reached out and smashed Cat in the side of the head before he had a chance to react, sending him flying across the room.

Rimmer fell to the ground and rolled away, dodging an arm. Kryten wasn't so lucky and ended up getting knocked down.

So, he was alone. All alone. Lister was… dead? Kryten and Cat were unconscious. Holly had stopped responding.

The polymorph changed once more. He stood staring at himself.

"You…"

"Yes."

"You're not me."

"But I am."

"You're not me."

"I am, Arnold. I'm more you than you'd ever be!" 

"No you won't!"

"You're just a bent queer!" He sneered at him.

"S- so?" 

"It's disgusting. You're disgusting." 

He screamed and fired. Hitting his double's H.

The polymorph exploded and a greenish goo splattered all over the walls.

Rimmer fell to his knees, his head was throbbing and he let out a cry. Goo and gundge dripped down his shirt.

"Lister?" He crawled over to his bunkmate and stared at him. No response. "Lister please…" he whimpered. 

"Sir?" Kryten groaned, sitting up.

"LISTER!" Rimmer found himself screaming. He gripped onto the other man's shoulders and shook him.

"Sir…" Kryten was now standing behind Rimmer, he put a hand on his shoulder but the hologram swatted him away.

"go deal with Cat or something! That's an order! Just, leave me alone!" He sobbed, pressing his head onto Lister's chest.

"Of course sir." He scurried over to the unconscious Cat and picked him up before exiting the room.

Rimmer sat crying. He managed to pull him onto his knees and he sat cradling him in his arms like a baby. He gently stroked Lister's cheek.

He took a deep breath and kissed him. Tears rolled down his face as their lips met, he was still warm.

The hologram held him tightly as the tears poured. How could this have happened? He was going to kill Cat.

"Why… oh smeg, why?" He closed his eyes.

A hand touched his curls and his eyes fluttered open. Lister's eyes, the pools of intense sweetness stared back at him.

Rimmer let out a painful sob and covered his mouth.

"Hey? You alright man?" Lister groaned.

"You're… you're meant to be dead..?"

"Holly and I were working on back armour.. in case someone tried to stab us from behind… that was before he told me we had a polymorph on board."

"You smegging git!" Rimmer snapped through tears.

"Should've told ya. I just didn't think you'd be interested." 

They held onto each other in a comfortable silence.

"Lister… about what I said."

"Said 'bout what?" 

Rimmer moved his hand from Lister's cheek to his shirt and tugged it before it suddenly changed back to his blue uniform.

"Oh yeah I get ya."

"I erm… yeah you can guess what I was going to say." He tried to sound professional.

"Rimmer, man."

"Yes Lister?"

"It doesn't bother me."

The hologram smiled, tears dripping off of his cheeks, "It doesn't?"

"Not at all, man. It's you. You know, that's the first time I've ever seen you… genuinely happy."

The hologram gently gripped his shirt, "I feel like I should be angry at myself… for… behaving like that." 

"Ya didn't ask to be like that man." Lister reassured him, "It's perfectly normal, lots of people are homosexual." 

Rimmer sighed, "Conversation therapy is a real bitch." 

Lister's expression darkened a little, "Conversation therapy?" 

"Yes… My father made me sit through months of it."

The scouser leant up and pressed their foreheads together, "Yer perfect just the way you are."

"You really think?"

"I don't think. I know. You smiled and laughed, you were comfortable being you."

"Hm." He looked down at the floor.

"I love seeing you happy, man. It makes me feel good as well."

Rimmer smiled at him, unable to hide it.

"Yer adorable!" 

"Don't push it, mi'laddo." He narrowed his eyes.

"But you areee." Lister kissed his cheek.

Rimmer blushed… it wasn't his fault.

"Love ya, smeghead."

He was loved and that's all that mattered.

"I love you, you gimboid."


	25. Stuffed Toys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all the lights go down on Red Dwarf, Lister and Rimmer are bound to their bunkroom.
> 
> All would be fine, if the hologram didn't have a fear of the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you're doing well.
> 
> We have a lil bittersweet fic today :))
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer sat with his hands together as if he were praying. Fear and anxiety riddled his mind as they sat in the blacked out quarters.

"Holly will turn the electric back on in. a minute, man." Lister spoke calmly from his bunk.

"That's not the point! I can't see anything." He spat back.

"Come on, you're admitting light from yer bee! Ya might be hardlight but you're the slight source 'ere." Sure Rimmer could see but that wasn't the point. He watched as Lister sat down beside him on the floor and crossed his legs.

Rimmer shuffled away a little, "What do you think you are doing, mi'laddo?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Let's tell each other ghost stories." Lister imitated a ghost.

"No! We're not doing that!" 

"Grow up, ya smeghead. Campfire stories ain't real." He let out a laugh.

"I don't want to."

"Oh come on!" He rolled his eyes.

Rimmer bit his lip, "Lister, when I was a scout the other boys used to make stories out of my family life. Now smeg off." 

Lister looked slightly taken back, "Ah… I'm sorry man.." 

"It's fine Lister. Just go back to bed or something." 

He nodded. As much as Lister didn't like Rimmer, when it came to talking about the other man's family life, he knew when to stop. "Course."

He clambered into the top bunk and made himself comfortable as he watched the hologram sit in silence again.

\-------------------------------------------------

Silence.

Deafening silence.

Half an hour had passed.

For some reason Rimmer couldn't hear the whirring of the ship tonight. Maybe because the silence was so loud.

He rubbed his face and let out a soft whimper. He'd never admit to it but, he was petrified of the dark. When he was younger he was locked away in the family basement often, dark rooms always unlocked memories. That's why he had had a teddy at Io House. It was in his locker but he was too afraid to wake Lister up. He didn't want to suffer the humiliation of explaining to Lister why he was a grown man with a teddy.

He thought about the day he got it. John had come home to visit and his Father made him play outside by himself. He got lonely and ended up sitting with Dungo… Denis, the Gardner. The staff at his house were always lovely to him, they were the only people to ever give him any care, especially Dungo. He was always nice to him.

He vaguely remembered running away from the house the year later. He was seven, maybe, at the time? He'd been slapped across the face for trying on a dress. He ran into the garden, back in his normal attire and cried under a tree. Dungo had found him and sat with him, sure he wasn't the smartest of men but he was a good listener. He understood him and consoled him.

Well anyway, he was sitting talking with Dungo and the man knelt down beside him and handed him the toy. It was the only gift he'd ever had that was sincere. He treasured it with his life and it became his only friend. The only person who had ever stuck with him throughout his whole life and death.

Rimmer found himself sat by the locker now. He must've crawled over. He unlocked the door and pushed it open. Smeg. It smashed against Lister's locker sending a loud crashing noise throughout the room.

Lister sat up briskly and looked over at the vaguely glowing hologram.

"Rimmer, man, whatcha doing?" He groaned.

Rimmer let out a little whimper, "Sorry to wake you… I didn't mean to, I promise." 

"Whatcha doing though?" He lay back down before propping himself up on his left elbow.

"Getting something from my locker. None of your smegging business." 

Lister smiled at him, "You can take it out."

"What? Take what out?" Rimmer retorted.

"The toy, man. I know you keep it there." His reply was soft and genuine.

"What? What are you on about, Lister?!" He felt tears well in his eyes.

"I've been through your locker before, man. I know you've got the teddy bear there."

"Stop it.." He let out a little sob.

"Hey, I'm not judging you man." Lister slid off of the bed and made his way over.

Rimmer was sat with tears slowly drifting down his cheeks, he looked over and realised his left hand was gripping onto the toy with surprising strength.

He was even more shocked when he felt Lister wrapped his arms around him.

"I'm not going to judge ya man. Whatever smeg happened in the past is none of my business, okay?"

Rimmer sniffled, "Thank you…" 

"Want me to sit with ya for a bit?"

"Yes. Yes please."

The pair say in silence as Rimmer fiddled with his toy.

"So erm…" Lister began before stopping.

"So erm what?" The hologram looked up at him.

"When did ya get your teddy?

He winced a little, "When I was 6."

"Oh eh. That's a long time then."

Rimmer sighed, "My brother came home to visit from the Space Corps. Father thought I would be too much of a nuisance and sent me to play in the back garden. I was out there for ages." He bit his lip, "Then I found Dungo. He was always nice."

"Dungo?"

"Oh erm Denis. He was our gardner."

"Oh right." Lister slowly nodded.

"Heh, about a year later I ran away from our house and hid in the garden. He found me then." He smiled to himself.

"Ran away?" 

"Yeah I'd been told off and had been clipped around the ear." He shrugged, "Nothing much." 

"Ya say that as if there was more." He furrowed his brow.

"Father just didn't know his own strength, I'm sure he didn't mean for me to fall down the stairs." Rimmer snorted.

"Fall down the…? What the smeg?"

"Hm?"

"And ya ran into the garden right after this?" Lister frowned.

"Yes, why?"

"I'm sorry, man, are we not on the same page?" 

"What are you talking about, gimboid?"

"Well if ya fall down the stairs, yer in pain, right?" Lister wet his lips.

"Yes? And?"

"What the smeg made your 7 year old self run after topplin' down a flight of stairs. You would've been in pain, right?"

Rimmer looked as if he'd been slapped, he turned away and stared at the floor.

"Ya okay, man?"

"I-" he paused, "I had been trying on a dress." He laughed.

Lister relaxed a little, "Oh yeah?"

"One of Mother's." He shrugged, "That's all."

"And you go clipped 'round the ear and ya fell down the stairs?"

"Yes, that's all." He smiled.

"Oh alright…" He sat back a little.

Rimmer went back to stroking his teddy, cradling it.

"Rimmer man… If I caught my kid wearing a dress I wouldn't hit him so he fell down the stairs." Lister bit his lip.

"I've had worse, Lister."

"Worse?!"

"I've been thrown down stairs, I've been locked in dark rooms." He sighed, "I can't stand the dark."

"Oh." Lister shuffled right beside him, "I'm sorry for earlier."

"It's fine, Listy. You didn't know."

"If… if ya ever need someone to talk to… I'll do it."

The hologram tensed a little, "you will?"

"Of course!" 

"Really?"

"Yeah!"

He smiled sweetly, "Thank you."

Lister hugged him tightly.

Rimmer let out a yelp but didn't fight it. "Listy…"

"Yeah man?"

"Want to stay with me in my bunk?" 

The scouser pulled away and smiled up at him, "Love to." He leant forward, their noses touching.

Rimmer closed the gap, pressing his virgin lips against Lister's mouth as the kiss soon became desperate.

"Smeg… I love ya!" Lister gasped out.

"I love you more!" Rimmer snapped back.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes!" 

"Prove it, smeghead." 

The hologram paused, "bunk. Now. That's an order."

\-------------------------------------------------

Holly finally got the lights on. He went to Rimmer and Lister's quarters and proudly prepared himself to explain to the two about what happened.

He was rather shocked to find Lister playing big spoon as he cradled Rimmer in his arms. The hologram had a small, tatty stuffed toy in his grasp, which he held like a baby. 

Holly may have had an IQ of 6000 but he was stumped here.


	26. Space Heroes (pt.1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister is awoken by a hand over his mouth. Things only seem to get worse from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I'm pretty sure most of y'all saw "Better with Age by transpapyrus" and that fic was written so well it's shaken me up badly (if they see this, really well done)
> 
> So, I'm posting a happy (ish) fic to try to cool down a bit. Lol I spent most of last night sobbing into my pillow. I'll be posting pt.2 tomorrow.
> 
> Also I'm starting to worry y'all are losing interest, is there anything I can do? 
> 
> Well anyways, hope you enjoy!

Lister was awoken by a hand over his mouth. He jolted awake as the hand pressed down firmer.

"MmmGhhhFFfGg!" 

"Ssshhh!!!!" He turned to see Rimmer gritting his teeth, armed. The hologram glanced around the room and slung the bazookoid over his shoulder. He removed his hand and pressed his index finger to his lips, "Speak quietly."

"What the smeg is going on?!" Lister screamed.

"LISTER YOU GIMBOID! SHUT UP!" He screamed back.

"Where are we?!"

"Starbug. Sleeping Quarters."

"Why are we here?!"

"Don't you remember anything?" Rimmer rolled his eyes.

"Erm… We were exploring a derelict and caused a ship quake… we landed on a planet… GELFs…"

"Yes, GELFs indeed. It was all tickety boo! Then, Cat decides to insult one of them and boom! Kryten and Cat are being held hostage." He grumbled.

"Hey man, how come us two aren't prisoners?" Lister itched his wrist.

"Well they were captured at the gates and I ran away…."

"Typical Arnold Judas Rimmer. Runs away at the sight of danger!" He taunted the hologram.

"A few of them were coming to kill you." He hissed.

"Oh please." Lister stood up and proceeded to walk away laughing. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the table room.

"Like I said. They came to kill you and I followed it."

"Was this before or after?"

"Before or after what?"

"You deserted the others."

Rimmer sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "I lied. Cat told them we had a human onboard and they sent three smegging little gits to come and kill you. Kryten and Cat were taken prisoner whilst I hunted the other three down."

"So… You killed three GELFs to save me?"

"Not to save you, gimboid. If you die, I'm switched off! I have myself to think about as well you know."

Lister nudged a bit of GELF intenstiene with his boot, "You're lyin' to me aren't ya?"

"Of course not, you goit!" Rimmer's cheeks were bright red.

"Uh huh totally." Lister rolled his eyes.

"Anyway. Here." He passed him a bazookoid which was leaning against the wall.

"Thanks. Now let's go find those slags who stole half of our posse and kill 'em." Lister cocked the gun.

"Take this seriously, you git. One false move and we could both end up dead." Rimmer snapped.

Lister groaned and rolled his eyes, uncocking the gun. He slung it over his shoulder like Rimmer had and made his way to the exit.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer anxiously kept his eyes on Lister; the goit wasn't taking this seriously. 

"Can you take this seriously for one minute you small-minded gimboid?" Rimmer hissed as Lister pirouetted in front of him. The bazookoid whacking him in the face.

"Well I could, but then I'd be extremely depressed and lonely." He mimicked Rimmer's scowl.

The hologram stood hands on hips, "If you don't take this seriously we're leaving."

"Oh eh! Don't do that man! Lighten up a bit!" Lister frowned and stopped dancing around.

"Thank you." Rimmer spat and they continued to walk in silence.

That was, until Lister began humming.

"Lister."

"What now?" The Scouser groaned.

"Are you brain dead? The GELFs will hear you from a mile away!"

"No they won't Rimmeh. I'm not as loud as you with your nasally annoying voice." He pinched his nose and impersonated the hologram.

He gritted his teeth and kept going, brushing past Lister.

"Oi!" Lister stumbled and chased after him, he grabbed him by the sleeve and tugged him back.

Unfortunately for them both, Rimmer was standing on the other side of a large tree root. They toppled backwards. Rimmer landing on top of Lister.

They stared into each other's eyes for a couple of moments before Rimmer rolled off of him and scrambled to his feet. He nervously coughed and held out his hand.

Lister gripped onto it and hoisted himself to his feet. The hologram was already a few feet ahead of him as he brushed off the dust from the floor.

"Are we not gonna talk about that?" Lister rushed up to him.

Rimmer didn't respond. He didn't even look at him.

"Come onnn! Say something!" 

"Leave it, Lister." The hologram barked.

"No! That was... weird!" He exclaimed.

"We're in weird situations all of the time, now let's move on and get the others before we leave this god forsaken planet."

"Fine.. you be like that." Lister grumbled.

\-------------------------------------------------

"How are we going to get in then, Smart Arse?" Lister threw the bazookoid down and slumped down beside it.

"I'll figure a way, Lister. I'm not an idiot." He chided.

"No you're just a thicko." Lister scoffed.

Rimmer turned away and began pressing his fingers against the wall.

"What are you doing, lookin' for a secret entrance or somethin?" He mocked him.

"Lister. Unlike you, I have an experience of escaping places…" he gulped, "I'm not exactly proud of it, either."

"What? You? Have the police been on yer back before?! No way! Not you!" Lister burst out laughing.

"You know what? I've had it!" Rimmer yanked the bazookoid off of his arm and threw it down. He pressed himself against the wall and slid down.

"Ay, whatcha doing?" Lister stopped laughing.

"Let them smegging GELFs kill the others. Why should I care?!" He snapped.

"Hey man don't say that!"

"Lister, those GELFs are going to smell you soon and they're going to come for you. I can just switch myself off." He smirked.

"Rimmer, man, c'mon.. I'm sorry!" He protested.

"Shut it. I've been trying to help you all day and you've repaid me by being more of a git than usual." He massaged his right temple.

"I'm really sorry, man." He begged.

"Do it yourself. Knock yourself out! You're obviously an expert." He hissed.

"I mean, come on man. You know me. I've got more experience when it comes to out runnin' people!" Lister frowned.

The hologram bowed his head. "I was 13, Lister." He bit his lip.

"...Yeah?"

"My second family trip. My father started screaming at me after he caught me kissing someone from the village we were staying next to." He sighed.

"And?" Lister didn't know where this was going. He'd heard bits about Rimmer's dad, it was never good.

"Well… I ran… I climbed over the wall in the back garden, 8ft maybe? It was the dead of night and I spent the rest of the holiday with my new friend. My father would've killed me… so I let him cool down for a few days." The corners of his mouth lifted a little before falling back down. "What I'm trying to say is, if anyone can figure a way over this wall, it's me." 

"Alright then..." Lister helped Rimmer to his feet and the hologram went to face the wall, he slung both bazookoids over a shoulder each. 

He took a deep breath and slotted his fingers into the wall, "Put your feet and hands where I put mine, okay?"

Lister winced, "Okay man."


	27. Space Heroes (pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer and Lister have to save Kryten and Cat from possibly being sold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I just want to say, thank you so so much for everything everyone said yesterday 💖 it honestly means so much to see your comments.
> 
> Anyway, Enjoy!

"Jump, Lister!" Rimmer ordered through gritted teeth.

"No! You might turn yourself to softlight and I'll fall right through ya!"

"I'm not going to drop you!" Rimmer shouted back up at him, trying to control his rage and volume.

"Are you sure…?"

"Yes! Now Jump!" He snapped.

Lister took a deep breath and jumped. As Rimmer had said, the hologram caught him and then proceeded to spin him around.

"See that, gimboid, I know what i'm doing." He let Lister find the ground and stand up properly.

"Thanks…" he smiled and picked up a bazookoid, "Let's go." 

\-------------------------------------------------

The courtyard was empty. It was like a ghost town.

"Over there! Look!" Lister pointed at a row of cages, "There!"

"Shh… there'll be guards around." Rimmer hissed at him as they made their way towards the cages.

Lister rushed over to Kryten's cage and began an attempt to unpick the lock. Rimmer stood guard.

"Oh sir it's no use! You'll need the key!" Kryten wailed.

Suddenly three GELFs appeared. 

"Smeg!" Lister spun around.

"Ack Nack richk sisht!" The centre GELF bellowed.

"Oh erm… Hi, we… er… we surrender and apologise for any inconvenience." Rimmer pressed his hands together, dropping the bazookoid.

"Rimmer!" Lister screeched.

"Sir watch out!" Kryten screamed.

A GELF aimed at Lister. 

"Wait!" Rimmer shouted. He shuffled a few feet until their gun was pressed against his chest, "Don't shoot him. Shoot me."

"What?!" Lister turned to face them fully.

"Goit." Rimmer whispered.

There was a deafening silence.

The GELF obliged. 

The hologram fell to his knees, gasping for air.

"RIMMER!" Lister screamed at the top of his lungs before sliding down beside him. His bunkmate fell back into his arms.

"Lis- Listy-" He choked, simulated blood poured out of his chest and began to leak out of his mouth.

"No! No no!" Lister sobbed.

"I want- I want to set things straight…" Rimmer gave a strangled breath.

"What? What is it?" Lister sniffled.

"I, Arnold Judas Rimmer, love you, David Lister. I have loved you from the moment I met you." A tear rolled down his young face. 

"No, don't do this to me!" He held him close as tears streamed down his cheeks like a waterfall.

"I love you- I love you." Rimmer kept murmuring until his form dissolved and his cracked lightbee fell to the ground. 

Lister screamed and banged his fist on the floor beside him.

"Ack Ack Ack!" The GELFs began.

"They're willing to make a deal sir…" Kryten gulped.

"What do they want?!" He looked up.

\-------------------------------------------------

Cat groaned as he staggered out of the cage. He looked over to see Lister, who now had a bleeding hand, kneeling on the ground picking up a pebble of some sort.

"You interrupted my beauty sleep! Anyway… hey monkey, whatcha doing?"

Lister didn't reply. He let out a whimper.

"What's wrong with dormouse cheeks?" Cat turned his head to Kryten.

"Mr Lister was meant to be shot at and well… Mr Rimmer stepped in the way!" Kryten sniffled.

"What a stupid mistake, dummy!" Cat poked the broken lightbee.

"Get off!" Lister screamed. 

"Woah! Hey there, hamster face! Don't scream at me!" 

"You might hurt him!" Lister whimpered.

"Bud, he's dead!"

"No!" He cradled the small lightbee, "He's still got lights! Kryten can you fix him?!"

"I can sir but you are more important--"

"FIX HIM!" He snapped

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister lay in the medi-bay with tears rolling down his cheeks. It had been two days since they'd got back to Red Dwarf. Three days since Rimmer had been shot.

Kryten and Holly were trying to repair him but Lister knew deep down it was no use. He hadn't left the medi-bay. The GELF's had decided on taking a pint of his blood for some strange reason as a bargain deal.

Lister made his way to the HPS and sat down beside Rimmer's bee, which lay on the table. He quietly spoke, 

"Tell me a story, please?" He rested his chin on his hands, "Tell me about your friend you made. The one where you ended up climbing an 8 foot wall." 

The lightbee dimly flashes,

"Hm. I know you can hear me, smeghead. Kryten says it would be great for us both if I told you about stuff. Like when someone's in a coma." He sighed, "I miss ya man. A lot. You didn't need to take that bullet for me, really. Holobullet as well…" 

He sniffled and gently pushed the lightbee in front of him, "It's boring without ya. I've spent the last few days in the medi-bay, I don't wanna go anywhere that reminds me of you." He found himself stroking the bee with his right index finger.

"I dunno if you can feel that." He sighed, "I'm just gonna sleep here, okay?" He yawned, resting his head on the crook in his arm before falling asleep.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister was awoken by a louder than usual whirring noise.

"Hmungh?" He sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"Sup dude." Holly said from the screen.

"Where am I?" He groaned, rubbing his lower back.

"Hologram Projection Suite." Holly smiled at him.

"Oh right." Lister groaned.

"There! That should do the trick!" Kryten pressed a button on the bee. Instead of projecting, it vibrated.

"Heh." Holly laughed, "I don't think he wants to come out."

"Mr Rimmer sir, it's safe to reform! Your lightbee has been fixed." Kryten explained.

The lightbee vibrated again.

"Just give Arnold some time, Kryten. He'll come out eventually." Holly vanished.

The mechanoid sighed, "I ought to start the laundry. I'll come back and check on you later, sir!" Kryten tutted, putting the bee back on the counter.

The room was silent. 

Lister sat alone with the bee. He gently nudged it with his knuckle, "C'mon man… it's just me here."

The lightbee lit up and began to hover above the table as a form began to manifest. Rimmer levitated for a moment before toppling down.

"Rimmer!" He screamed, picking the hologram off of the floor.

"Lister?" He blinked.

"Yes! Yes it's me!"

Rimmer snarled, "You owe me, mi'laddo." He turned away.

Lister's face fell. This wasn't the reunion he was expecting. 

The hologram turned his head to face away from him before spinning around and tackling Lister with a hug.

Lister gasped as Rimmer gripped onto him.

"Are you alright?" He pulled his head away to look at Lister.

"I'm- I'm fine, what about you??"

He grinned, "Couldn't be better."

"Am I dreaming? Did I die and this is all a dream?" Lister touched Rimmer's cheek.

"Afraid not, squire."

Lister sniffled and buried his head in Rimmer's chest. The hologram smoothed his hair.

The pair stood in a comfortable silence for a few moments, wrapped in each other.

"So, you want to know why I climbed an 8ft wall, hm?" Rimmer whispered.

"Yes! I don't understand why you would need to for just kissing someone."

Rimmer tutted, "Listy, haven't I told you before what my parents were like? Extremely religious and were complete smegheads?"

"Yes but you just kissed a girl, it can't be that bad."

"Lister."

"Yeah?"

"When did I say it was a girl, gimboid."

Lister gasped, "A thousand pieces suddenly fall into place."

Rimmer smiled down at him softly, "Goit."

"Smeghead… also, did you kill those GELFs for me, then? Hm?" 

Rimmer narrowed his eyes, "Promise not to tell anyone?"

"'Course."

"Mmm…. Yes." 

"Thanks man…" He leant up and kissed Rimmer's jawline.

The hologram blushed, and kissed Lister's forehead. "You're my favourite goit."

"You're my favourite smeghead."

"Come on. I'm sure I can make you a nice cup of tea and a kiss." Lister teased.

"Just a kiss?" A smirk appeared on his lips.

"You sod. More than a kiss."

"Thank you." Rimmer kissed his cheekbone as they walked hand in hand to their quarters.


	28. Laundry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Lister finds Rimmer doing the laundry, thinks only seem to get worse... or better... for the pair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I hope you're all well! So, this fic is probably my favourite one I've ever read so I hope you enjoy it just as much as I do,
> 
> Enjoy!

Lister took a drag of his cigarette before running down to the laundry room. Kryten said he could smoke in here all he wanted, just not to get in the way of the clothes. He was on the last step when he heard gentle singing.

"A room with a viiieeewww and youuu.." the voice was barely audible but he could hear it clearly.

Lister lumbered into the laundry room and lo and behold, there he was. Rimmer was kneeling in front of a washing machine, loading it whilst singing to himself.

"And no one to worry us and no one to hurry us---" 

"Whatcha doing?" Lister interrupted.

The hologram yelped and jumped forward, slamming his head against the washing machine.

"Woah! No need to panic man; it's just me." Lister frowned and sat on top of the tumble dryer behind his bunkmate.

Rimmer hissed, massaging his forehead as he sat down beside a washing basket.

"Why're ya doing the washin'?" 

"Kryten's doing a self service and it's laundry day. I knew Cat wouldn't be any use so I thought I'd do it myself." He grumbled.

"Surprised you can do the washing and not mess up, ya know. You smeg everythin' else up." He teased.

Rimmer stood up abruptly and marched over, towering above Lister.

"Watch it, mi'laddo. I'm warning you."

"Or what?" Lister smirked.

Suddenly, Rimmer shoved Lister, back down, onto the dryer. He grabbed the mop from it's bucket on the right of him.

"I'm going to shove this, so far up your arse it's going to come out of your smegging mouth!" Rimmer screamed and began to pull Lister's trousers towards him.

Lister screamed with fear and began kicking at the hologram.

At that exact moment, Cat decided to walk into the room. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Rimmer, armed with a mop, with Lister, who had his trousers down around his ankles. 

"Damn! You monkeys are kinky!" He frowned and backed out.

Rimmer's jaw dropped and he took a step back. 

"Lister, I swear to god, if you do anything like that again, this mop will be going places." He growled, putting it back before returning to the washing basket and loading the machine up.

Embarrassed, scared and slightly aroused, Lister stood up and pulled his trousers back up.

"Yeah whatever man." He looked over at the cigarette he dropped and picked it back up, placing it between his lips.

Rimmer turned his head to look at him, "In here? Seriously?"

"What? I always smoke in here at half twelve." 

"So this is where you go! I've been looking for your bolt hole!" He proudly grinned and stood back up.

"Oh come on man. If you install anti-smoke detectors--" 

"No I'm not going to do that, yet. I'm going to warn you first, mi'laddo. Don't smoke in here!"

"Why not?!"

"Because we have clean laundry around!"

"Yeah but who cares? Kryten lets me!" Lister protested.

"I'm not Kryten, so for today, GET OUT!"

"No."

"Excuse me?" Rimmer blinked in disbelief.

"I said, no! I'm smokin' in here and you can't stop me!" He leant in and gave a devilish smile.

"Lister, I'm warning you." He reached for the mop but Lister kicked the bucket away.

"Oh no you don't." He smirked.

Rimmer recoiled his head and gave Lister an up and down look before walking away.

"Where ya going?" Lister frowned.

"This washing isn't going to get itself done, is it?" He knelt back down.

He folded his arms in annoyance. Rimmer was being a smeghead purposely now. He had got him all roused up and left him on the line. Smeghead.

"You're a complete and utter smeghead, ya know?" Lister spat.

The hologram began to hum, drowning out his insults.

"No wonder nobody ever liked you." Lister didn't mean it to sound so malicious. He meant it in a teasing way, just to annoy him but instead he was now clutching his stomach in pain as Rimmer had uppercut him.

"Where's the smegging mop?!" He stood up, for the third time, and made his way over.

Lister lifted his head back. That was his mistake. He had done it to get air but he forgot the cigarette that was resting on his lips. It was lukewarm but that didn't stop it from choking him. It fell into his mouth and down into his throat. He began to cough and splutter, quickly losing air.

Rimmer, now back with the mop, stood with his hand on his hip, "Stop messing around Lister, you'll bust a blood vessel or something."

He didn't stop. Instead he hunched over and kept coughing violently. He began to point at his throat.

Rimmer still didn't understand until something finally kicked in, "Smeg! You're choking!" He dropped the mop and rushed over.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister sat on Rimmer's lap on the floor, panting. The Hologram still had his arm around his middle and was gently massaging his back.

"Are you alright now?" Rimmer continued to press his fingers and knuckles into his higher back.

"Yeah. Thanks man. Even if it did take you awhile to realise I was dying."

"No complaints, gimboid, I just saved your life."

Lister shuffled his feet, positioning his body so he could look at Rimmer's face.

Rimmer kept his hand on his back.

"Well…"

"Well indeed."

Lister began to giggle.

"What? What are you laughing at?" The corners of Rimmer's mouth began to turn upwards and he found that he, too, was laughing.

"Smeghead." Lister pressed his forehead against Rimmer's shoulder. 

The hologram moved his hand onto the back of his bunkmate's head and cupped it softly.

"Thank you." Lister finally looked back up.

Their gaze locked onto each other, neither of them were able to break it.

Rimmer was the first to move, he hesitantly moved his head inwards and kept staring into Lister's eyes.

Lister met him. Their lips at first gingerly met but soon it became more heated. 

The hologram had Lister pinned to the floor and his hands roamed all over his torso.

They thought they heard footsteps but quickly dismissed it.

Boy, were they wrong.

"YEOOW! You monkeys are still at it?! First with your kinky mop and now you're about to go where it was going, YOURSELF?!" Cat screeched.

Rimmer yanked himself off and rolled aside, his lips swollen, "I- er--"

"Can you two get a room?! I've come in here for my nap and twice you two have been getting down and dirty!" Cat wailed.

"The first time I was trying to punish him--" Rimmer began.

"YOU MONKEYS ARE INTO THAT KIND OF STUFF?!" He screamed.

"No, Cat! No!" Lister screamed in return.

"Look, let's never mention this again, deal?!" Rimmer shouted over them both.

"What do I get outta it?!" Cat raised an eyebrow.

"You can nap wherever you want for two whole days, and extra fish." Rimmer pursed his lips.

Cat gasped, "What were we talkin about? I don't remember a thing!" He smirked and danced in, retorting to a corner in the far side of the room.

Lister got to his feet and helped the hologram up, "Sounds like a good idea."

"What does?"

"Getting a room."

Rimmer licked his lips, "It really does, doesn't it?"

Lister took his hand and yanked him up the stairs.

\-------------------------------------------------

When Kryten came to the laundry room the next day, he was confused to find a half loaded machine. He was even more confused when he heard Mr Lister scream to Mr Rimmer to "put it in him like he was going to do with the mop".


	29. Drawing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister catched Rimmer scribbling in his note book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're doing well! Today we have a lil angst fic :) Apologies about the ending, no matter what I did It wouldn't sit right.
> 
> Anyway, Enjoy!

"Hey man, whatcha doing?" Lister raised an eyebrow, looking over at Rimmer's notepad, which he wrote everything down in.

"Nothing!" He snapped it shut and slid it under his pillow, "Nothing what-so-ever, mi'laddo."

"Doesn't look like nothing," Lister took a swig of lager, "Looked like you were scribbling."

"Scribbling? Me?! Hah! You really are space crazy." Rimmer forced a laugh.

"If you're scribblin' man, there isn't anythin' wrong with it." Lister raised an eyebrow at the hologram.

"Oh shut up. I'm going to sleep anyway." He grumbled and lay down before flipping over.

Lister grunted in annoyance, "If it isn't a scribble, what is it?"

"Goodnight Lister."

"No don't blank me man, what is it?!" He chided.

"GOODNIGHT LISTER."

"Jeez man! No need to shout." He got up from his chair and made his way to their bunk. He sighed.

"Goodnight, Rimmer."

\-------------------------------------------------

Pacing. Lister was awoken by footsteps. He groaned and sat up.

"Why am I awake?" He whined.

Someone obviously was startled by this, the sound of something being dropped lingered in the air.

"Rimmer?"

Nothing.

"Rimmer man, what're ya doin?" He looked over at the Hologram who was now leaning against the table.

"Go back to sleep, Lister."

He blinked slowly, his eyes adjusting to the dim light, "You can't sleep, can ya?"

"What? Of course I can!" He forced another laugh.

"Hey, don't do that."

"Do what?" The hologram might have raised an eyebrow, Lister was too tired to see.

"Try and laugh the situation off." 

"I'm not laughing it off, you goit!"

"Yes you are! There ya go again! You call me a goit as a defence mechanism! Come on man, open up a bit."

"I- I can't!" Rimmer whispered.

"Why can't ya man?"

"I-" He broke off, "Nevermind."

"Oh no no." Lister slid off of the bunk, blocking Rimmer from his bed, "Talk to me."

"No… I can't."

"Yes you smeggin can!" 

"I can't!"

"You can!"

"I can't! I can't! I can't!" Rimmer screamed out.

Lister put a hand on his shoulder, "Please."

Rimmer exhaled and let out a little whimper, "You better not judge me for this."

"I'm not gonna judge ya, man." He said in a slightly comforting tone.

"I was drawing in my notepad…"

"Yeah?"

"That's it."

"You were drawing?"

"Yes… I'm sorry."

"Sorry? What are you sorry 'bout? I doodle on pieces of paper sometimes as well, nothing wrong with it."

Rimmer bit his lip, "I wasn't allowed to draw as a child. It was too feminine. I was strictly banned from painting, drawing or anything art related that could be deemed feminine." He repeated in a cold tone.

"Who the smeg said art was feminine? There was that guy who cut off his ear… Beethoven?"

"Van Gogh, gimboid." Rimmer rolled his eyes.

"See! You do know about art, you aren't feminine."

Rimmer shifted uncomfortably, "Well… My father thought I was too feminine as a child…" He whispered under his breath.

"Most kids are, Arn. Like I said, nothing wrong with it. No one really cares." Lister shrugged.

"Au contraire, Lister."

"Hm?"

"My father beat the feminine out of me…" he audibly gulped.

Lister was stunned, his father did WHAT? "He did what?!"

"He beat it out of me! He was so ashamed!" Rimmer crumpled and turned away, covering his face with his hands.

"You wanna keep talkin' man...?" Lister smoothed his arm.

The Hologram sharply inhaled, "It's too far to turn back now…"

Lister tsked and carried on rubbing his forearm gently.

"You can imagine the horror when my father had three perfect sons, who were like stallions and then he had the other one. The one that was bent more than his twisted mind.." He spat through clenched teeth.

Lister let it sink in. He couldn't grasp it properly but seeing Rimmer so… nervous made his stomach churn. He could hear the fear in the other man's voice. For Rimmer to open up to him, something big must've happened. "Wha?"

"He found me playing with my mother's makeup." He choked out, "Oh god I can still feel the slaps and punches now." He screwed his eyes closed tight.

"You're doing great man…" Lister reassured him.

"Once I tried to draw a family picture, the six of us. My father threw it into the fireplace and said I was being too 'girly'. That was when I was eight. At one point, I was so malnourished that I learnt to cook for myself at one point, my brothers teased me and called me Cinderella. They got me to cook and clean for them. Eventually my father found out and-" he suddenly lurched forward, stumbling.

Lister grabbed him by the shoulders, the room was dark but he could still see the Hologram's pale face, "You okay?"

"He threw me down the stairs… into the basement where I could think about my sins and mistakes."

There was a brief pause where Lister felt a slight sickness gather in his stomach.

"I remember I joined an art club at Io House. I enjoyed painting. One day my father turned up during one of my lessons and went off at me in front of all of the boys. They all laughed."

"Hey man… it's okay, let's sit down." Lister guided him back to his bunk where they sat side by side. 

The hologram couldn't stop shaking, "No one wants a poof for a son. Do they?" He bit his lip.

"Rimmer are you telling me--?"

"Yes. Yes I am Lister… I'm disgusting…"

"It's not disgusting!" Lister protested.

He turned to face his bunkmate, his lip quivered, "You don't think I'm disgusting?"

"No! Of course I don't." Lister took him into his arms, "I'm just a bit shocked, that's all."

"Can't imagine me with a guy?" Rimmer joked.

"What about Yvonne McGruder and that hologram… errr Nirvanah?" 

"Yvonne was sort of… manly. She was a boxer after all… and Nirvanah took control like a man. I mean I didn't enjoy it that much but the psychological side of things…"

"Mhm…" Lister nodded, getting where he was coming from.

"Lister… thank you."

"Huh?" 

Rimmer licked his lips slowly, "Thanks. I really needed to talk to someone."

"It's fine man."

Rimmer pulled the pair down so they were laid facing each other, "Night, Listy."

"Night, man." He smiled and pulled him in close, he didn't care that he was laying side by side with Rimmer. The guy just needed some love.


	30. S'mores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's a fire down in the Diesel Decks." 
> 
> "What?!" Rimmer threw himself off of the bed and stuffed his feet into his boots before taking off down the corridor.
> 
> "And Lister wanted me to come and get you to join him…" Holly sighed before vanishing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here's 2/2 of the fics I'm posting today.
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer stepped out of the bathroom, letting the cold air from the AC hit his face. He smoothed the lapels on his pyjama shirt before sliding into his bunk.

"Oh there you are. Caw. Took you long enough." Holly tutted.

"Smeg!" Rimmer sat up, "Oh you senile git! What do you want?!" 

"There's a fire down in the Diesel Decks." 

"What?!" Rimmer threw himself off of the bed and stuffed his feet into his boots before taking off down the corridor.

"And Lister wanted me to come and get you to join him…" Holly sighed before vanishing.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer flew down the steps and ran down a few corridors until he finally found the light source. He rushed over and was greeted by Lister, who was sitting on a nest of pillows eating a biscuit.

"Ay you came!" He smiled.

"What?" Rimmer panted, collapsing onto his knees.

"I asked Holly to come and get ya." He smiled before patting the pillows beside him.

"What are you on about, you gimboid? Where's the fire?!" 

"Fire? F-- Ohhhh!" Lister laughed, "I got bored and remembered when I was younger, a few of us from our council estate used to camp in the field near the houses in the summer. There aren't any fields on the Dwarf so I decided I'd make a make-shift bonfire." 

"Are you serious?" He frowned.

"Yeah! I asked Cat but he got all moody and said the smoke would make his suit smell. Kryten said he had to mop the drive room. So, I got Holly to ask you."

"I'm flattered you even remembered me, even though I was your last choice." Rimmer spat.

"I didn't think ya'd want to come!" Lister protested.

"And you're right!" He gave a smug smile and got to his feet.

"Aw come on, man! Just for a few hours." Lister put his hands together as if he were praying.

"No, Lister. I don't particularly like campfires." He pulled a straight smile.

"Why not?! They're great!"

"Lister, I am convinced I told you about the time I was nearly cooked on one!" He hissed.

"Yeah but I'm not gonna cook ya!" Lister whined in annoyance.

"Anyway, why do you have so much junk food down here?" He nudged a packet of marshmallows with his right boot.

"I was gonna make s'mores… no point now, is there?" He grumbled, shoving a block of chocolate into his mouth.

"I- I guess not." Rimmer bit his lip.

Lister heard the hesitation, "You want one, don't ya?" 

"On the contrary, Listy."

"Hm?"

"I've never been allowed s'mores before. I've never had them and I'm going to stick to it." He raised his head proudly.

"You've neva had s'mores before?!" Lister frowned.

"Nope!" He popped the p. "Mother forbade me having anything sweet unless I'd worked hard for it. Which was never. Sure I've had chocolate before but that was when I used to sneak out before I divorced my parents."

"Rimmer, man, do ya want one?" Lister held up a bar of chocolate and a packet of biscuits.

The hologram stared at him for a couple of moments, he almost looked shocked. His expression turned to a scowl, "No. I don't." 

Lister sighed, "Alright. Go back up." 

"Erm actually, mi'laddo. I'm putting you on report!"

"Yer what?!" He frowned, "What for?!"

"Starting a fire without consulting a senior officer!" He put his hands on his hips and stamped his foot.

"Alright then, whatever man."

"Wha?" The hologram looked shocked.

"Put me on report. No one's gonna read it."

Rimmer's blood boiled. 

"Look, I know ya just trying to find an excuse to stay down 'ere." Lister smirked at him.

"I am not!" Rimmer shrieked.

"Oh really? Then go."

"N- No." 

"See!" 

He bit his mouth shut, "Alright fine! I do want to be here but I'm too hurt to stay." Rimmer folded his arms.

"Hurt? Why are ya hurt?" Lister frowned.

He sighed and looked away into the fire, "I was your last choice."

Lister felt a bit of guilt wash down his front, "You said yourself--"

"I know." He grumbled, "Are you sure I can stay?" He looked back at him.

"Of course ya daft smegger. Sit down." He patted the pillows beside him once again.

"I'm not sitting beside you!" He hissed and threw himself down.

"You'll get cold over there." Lister raised an eyebrow.

"Cold? Lister, what are you on about? There is a burning fire in front of us." 

"The floor's cold. Isn't that how ya get haemorrhoids?" 

"Oh shut up! That's a myth, Lister." The hologram snapped before hugging his knees against his chest. 

"Come on, man. There's some comfy pillows here." He purred.

"I'm fine." He buried his chin in the gap between his knees.

Lister sighed and crawled over to him, carrying the bag of marshmallows and chocolate in his mouth. He gently nudged the biscuits towards them.

"What are you doing?" Rimmer tried to shuffle away but Lister pulled him back.

"Here, hold this." He passed him a kebab stick and slid a large marshmallow over it, "Just wait for me, okay?"

"O- Okay." The hologram nodded and watched as Lister did the same.

"Alright, now we hold it over the fire." He guided Rimmer's hand with his free one and they held it over the fire.

\-------------------------------------------------

"Okay so then you just slide the s'more off of the stick." He pressed the two biscuits together and pulled the stick out of the melted marshmallow with his free hand.

"Are you sure about this..?" Rimmer bit his lip anxiously.

"Go on! Try it man!" Lister shoved his own into his mouth before his eyes began to water from the heat.

The hologram sniffed it before tentatively taking a bite. He paused for a second before ramming the whole thing into his mouth.

"Woah!" Lister's jaw dropped as he watched his bunkmate's shocked expression.

"That's amazing!" Rimmer spoke with stuffed cheeks.

"What did I tell ya?" He smiled and rubbed his shoulder.

Rimmer blushed a little, "Thank you."

"Did you just thank me?" He sounded genuinely surprised.

"Yes. I'm not saying it again you gimboid."

Lister snaked an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close, "Ya welcome man. Now, do ya wanna sit on those pillows or not?" 

A sweet smile drifted across Rimmer's lips, "Okay."


	31. Chambers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a bit of a tiff, Rimmer is giving Lister silent treatement, but of course, things never seem to go right for the pair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you're all well. Pretty dark fics today, I don't think it needs a warning though.
> 
> By the way, if anyone is interested I got Tumblr yesterday (under british-cupoftea) if anyone wants to see the shitty art I draw (I am terrible lol) so yeah.
> 
> Enjoy!

Lister eyed his sulking bunkmate as they walked down the corridor of a derelict. The four had split into pairs, Cat and Kryten, Lister and Rimmer. Unfortunately for Lister, his bunkmate was in a mood because he had played his guitar over Rimmer's Hammond Organ Music earlier that day.

"Can ya stop sulking?" Lister stopped abruptly in his tracks, folding his arms.

The hologram didn't reply. He just looked away and kept walking. 

"Come on! Yer ignoring me!" Lister stormed behind.

Still nothing.

"Rimmer!" He screamed and yanked him back. The hologram shoved him away.

"Leave me alone!" He screamed back.

"Ya always do this! Ya always get all stroppy when things don't go your way. GROW UP." Lister's face hovered centimetres from Rimmer's. Smeg. 

Rimmer grabbed Lister by the lapels and leant in close, "Shut your smegging mouth. I spent my whole life with things going the other way, YOU grow up." 

Lister kneed him in the groin. The hologram let go of him and toppled backwards into the room behind.

He let out a groan and rubbed his lower back. Rimmer got to his feet and ran at Lister, only to hit an invisible field and get sent flying backwards against the table in the centre of the room. As he landed, he violently bit down on his own lip and let out a cry.

Lister frowned and pressed his fingers against the field. He watched as the hologram sat up, blood pouring down his chin.

"What the smeg did you do?" Lister laughed.

Rimmer looked up at him and burst out crying, he put his hand over his mouth and looked away.

"Hey man… are you alright?" He had never seen Rimmer cry before.

The hologram pulled away his hand to look at the simulated blood. This was bad. He winced and touched his split lip. He took a deep breath and walked over to the doorway and once again was sent flying backwards. Right into the wall.

"I- I- I can't get out." Pain and panic riddled his voice.

"Serves ya right." Lister grumbled and folded his arms.

Rimmer began to hyperventilate. He fell onto his knees and hugged himself, "help… help me.." he murmured, blood dripping onto his uniform.

Lister rolled his eyes and tried walking through the doorway. He couldn't. He just stopped there as if a door was closed.

He looked back over to see his bunkmate was having a full on panic attack in the centre of the room. He was on his knees, laying face down with his forehead pressed against the floor.

"Rimmer, man, what the smeg have ya done?" Lister kicked the force field.

The hologram let out a scream. A painful, blood curdling, shivers-down-your-spine chilling scream.

Lister backed away and covered his ears as his bunkmate proceeded to bawl on the floor. 

"Rimmer!" He shouted back.

He continued to hyperventilate, "Lister… Don't leave me… I'm so sorry." He screamed out, banging his head against the floor.

"Whatcha on about? I'm not leavin ya!" He kicked the field again.

"I'm so so sorry! Please! PLEASE!" He begged, "Don't lock me in here, please. It's too dark, please Lister!" He gripped himself tighter.

Lister was beginning to shake himself, the room itself was scorchingly bright. What was Rimmer on about? He winced as Rimmer let out another scream.

"KRYTEN!" Lister shouted, his voice echoing down the corridors. No reply.

Rimmer kept sobbing and was now smashing his head against the floor in frustration, "I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I hurt you… I- I'm a monster." He began.

Lister threw himself against the field, letting a static feeling which reminded him of when Rimmer was a soft light hologram, tickle his body. He let out a strangled sob. He'd lost the previous anger.

"You've got every right to hate me… just don't leave me here! Switch me off!" He screamed.

Lister collapsed down and began to cry. With detail he listened to the pain in his bunkmate's voice as he begged.

"I'm so sorry…" He wailed.

"Stop apologising!" Lister screamed back, not getting a reply. 

"I didn't mean to get angry at you… I just… I was fixing a machine earlier today and a coke can got launched at me… I moved and ended up smashing my head against a wall… When you played your guitar it gave my head a headache. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Lister was struggling to breathe. Too much information was being given to him at once. Rimmer hadn't been feeling well and he just kept playing his guitar?? He watched as the hologram began pulling at his own hair.

"I'm sorry! Oh please don't leave me here! I- I- love you- please!" He cried.

"KRYTEN! CAT!" Lister let out a series of sobs before turning his attention back to the hologram. "I forgive you…" tears streamed down his own cheeks. Suddenly the force suddenly vanished, he fell into the room.

Rimmer lay in a foetal position, shaking.

Lister crawled over him and unwrapped him. Holding his frail limbs against him.

"L- Lister?" He stammered.

"What the smeg just-" he sniffled, "happened?" 

"You- You're back?" He pulled away, his bloody lip swelling.

"I never left you… I never left you." He kissed his forehead.

Rimmer let out a sob and pulled him close, "I thought you left me?" 

"No! I would never leave ya, ya daft smegger." He kissed him again, "I love ya." He murmured.

The hologram clung to him as metal footsteps filled the air.

"Sirs?!" Kryten called out. 

"In here!" Lister shouted.

Kryten and Cat came rushing in, "Oh sirs! Are you alright?"

"N- no!" Rimmer sniffled, burying his head into Lister's jacket.

"Damn, what happened to Goal Post Head?" Cat raised an eyebrow.

"We were arguing and I knocked him into here. He tried to hit me back and then he was thrown, twice." Lister took a deep breath and down at the puffy hazel eyes looking up at him. He could still feel the slight shaking.

"Sir… are you aware this is a punishment cell?" Kryten nervously began.

"A punishment cell?" He looked up.

"Everything a person has done which they themself deem bad will be justified in this room. The person is tortured until someone forgives them." He explained.

"Smeg Rimmer…" he stroked his cheek.

"I blame myself… for you being stuck out in space… alone..." Rimmer sniffled.

Lister's heart broke all over again, he kissed his forehead again, the room had made him experience an extreme version of that, "Let's get ya back, okay?"

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer woke up by a gentle breathing against his face.

"Lister?" He whispered.

"Yeah?" Brown eyes opened, staring into his own.

"Where am I? Why are we… cuddling?" His brow furrowed.

"Ah well. You kinda passed out. You're all clear now."

Rimmer weakly smiled, "Thank you." He managed.

"It's fine, man." Lister cupped his cheek and caressed it with his thumb.

Perfect moment alert. 

Rimmer leant in, closing the gap between them and sealing Lister's mouth with a kiss. His bottom lip stung but god, the kiss was worth it.

Lister pulled the nest of blankets around them tighter, "Ya alright?" 

"Of course. You didn't leave me."


	32. Curries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer complains about the way Lister eats his curries. The scouser tries to fight him back by saying he just can't handle the heat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I'm posting this mini fic and an actual 1k word one as well so,
> 
> Enjoy!

"You're disgusting for shovelling that… stuff into your mouth." Rimmer began to lecture.

"Oh smeg off." Lister growled.

"You eat that.. smeg and it's revolting!" 

"Revolting huh?" Lister dropped his fork and grabbed a handful of rice and curry before shoving it into his mouth.

Rimmer gagged, "You are disgusting!"

"Why thank you." Lister said with a full mouth, bits of rice falling back out. "You're only whining because you can't take the heat." 

"Can't take- Are you insane? The curries you eat are petty." He laughed.

"Oh really?" 

"Yes! I've had far stronger." He smuggly smiled.

"Well then." Lister pushed his food towards the hologram, "Try some."

"I- I'm not eating that! You've just put your whole hand in it!"

"Oh come onnn. It isn't that bad." He laughed.

"I refuse." Rimmer folded his arms.

"Uh huh? Oh yeah?" Lister stood up and got right up into Rimmer's face, "There's another way to do it you know."

"What are you--" 

Lister quickly leant forward and kissed Rimmer. He ran his tongue across his lips until the other man opened his own mouth, letting him inside.

They stood kissing for a few more moments until Lister pulled away and sat back down.

"Well?" He smirked.

"Well what?" Rimmer's brow furrowed, he was slightly flushed.

"Did ya taste the spice?" Lister took another mouthful of his curry.

"Yes and that was rather disappointing." He sighed, sitting down beside him.

"Ya got a free kiss out of it though, didn't ya?" Lister rested his head on his shoulder.

"And why did we just kiss?" Rimmer looked down at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Because you wouldn't eat me curry. So I thought you could taste it another way." He smiled at him.

"So you snogged me senseless?" 

"Are ya complaining?" Lister frowned.

"Au contraire. We should do it again, mi'laddo. Just so I can try your spice again."

"Whatever you say, sir." They leant back in and instead of the rough, desperate kiss they had before, it was more gentle and controlled.

"What the smeg are we doing?" Rimmer sighed, cupping the side of Lister's face.

"Trying to get you to try me curry." 

"Oh smeg off." He laughed.

"I like that." Lister sweetly smiled.

"Like what?" The hologram furrowed his brow.

"When you actually are you. Not the uptight smeghead you make out to be." He took another bite of his curry.

"You're just saying that." Rimmer looked away, blushing.

"No! It's natural and you seem… healthy!" Lister leant into and pressed the sides of their heads together, "You should do it more often." 

Rimmer laughed again, "I might scare the Cat." 

"Or give Kryten an overload." 

"Thank you for the reassurance." 

"No problemo, man." 

The hologram sighed and took Lister's fork out of his hand, taking a scoop of the curry and put it in his mouth.

"Well?" Lister grinned, proud of himself.

"Like I said. I've had spicier curries." Rimmer leant back in his seat and tsked.

"No way have you had a spicy curry without being forced." He laughed, taking his fork back.

"Yes, I have actually, you gimboid. I used to have an actually spicy curry near on every Saturday after I was located here." 

"When have you eaten curries?" Lister raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Date night." Rimmer grumbled, "The git." 

"Who? You've said too much. I need to know who she is." Lister poked his forearm.

"The biggest git on Red Dwarf." He looked away briefly.

"I honestly don't know, man." 

"I was a third technician like you. They were my second tech." 

"But you never didn't have a female second tech. Todhunter was your-- oh smeg."

"Oh smeg indeed, Listy." He rolled his eyes.

"You and Todhunter? No. No way at all." 

"Well yes actually we used to have sex almost everyday." Rimmer glanced over at him.

"But Todhunter was into women! He was married! And not to mention, he hated you!" Lister cried out in confusion.

"Lister, Todhunter slept with anyone he wanted to. And anyway, it was all tickety boo until he got a promotion, then he didn't bother anymore and decided to play around with the higher ranking females." He snarled.

"I--- you-- Todhunter--?" Lister stammered.

"Yes, how hard is that to digest?" Rimmer raised an eyebrow.

"Very hard!" He looked up at him.

"Well that was years ago now, anyway. I've moved on." He sighed, running his fingers into his curls.

"I'm still shocked. Wait hold on, you ate curries, spicy curries, with Todhunter?" 

"Eeee-yes. Why?" 

"You ate spicy curries with Todhunter, on dates?!" 

"Yes? It only lasted a year or so anyway." 

"Holy smeg." Lister leant back, still trying to process what was happening.

"It's not that bad, Lister." 

"I know, it's just- How did you put up with him treating you so badly when I came along?" 

"Listy, Listy, Listy, haven't you learnt anything? I'm used to being forgotten, left behind, I moved on… after about 6 months." He grumbled the last phrase.

Lister sat back up and rested his arms on the table, "Were ya any good?" 

"Hm?" Rimmer looked down at him.

"In bed, I mean. If you stayed with Todhunter for a year, plus." 

"Well I guess I must've been, mi'laddo." The hologram shrugged.

"Do ya think you could show me?" Lister smirked.

"I see what you're thinking, gimboid. Sounds like a perfectly reasonable idea, let's go."


	33. Facing your fears.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prequel to "Only the Truth"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Yesterday I recieved a comment asking for a sequel for a fic that I wrote, me being me, I had nothing better to do and wrote the whole thing right into the early hours of the morning.
> 
> I apologise if it's choppy.
> 
> Enjoy!

"Lister are you sure about this?" Rimmer scratched himself anxiously.

"Hey, it's okay man, I'll do it with ya every step of the way, okay?" The scouser laced their fingers together.

Rimmer nodded and bit his lip.

Starbug's doors slid open and the duo stepped out onto the rocks. 

"Rock pools." Lister nodded at the small divets of rocks which were filled with water and seaweed.

"So what do I do?" The hologram whimpered.

"Issalright man, calm down." He smiled, "Let's go over to the sand."

It'd been 6 months since the incident on the last ocean planet. The whole incident had really shaken Rimmer up, which allowed the pair to get closer and even call themselves an item.

Lister kissed his cheek, reassuring him as they made their way onto the sand.

"Now what?" Rimmer glanced around.

"Well, ya put ya swimming trunks on." He smiled, opening up a picnic blanket before he started to undress.

Rimmer mimicked him, only slower, until the pair both stood in their swimwear. 

"Do ya wanna eat first?" Lister raised an eyebrow.

His partner shook his head, "No. I'll probably throw it all up if I did."

"Alright." He gently wrapped his arms around him, smoothing his soft skin as they stood in each other's grasp.

"Mmm you feel nice." Rimmer sighed into his hair.

Lister grinned and placed kisses all over his arms and shoulders, he enjoyed having time for just the two of them.

"Okay, let's do this." The scouser took his hand and guided him to the water's edge, not taking his eyes off of his partner's beautiful, slightly ripped body.

Rimmer squealed under his breath as he felt the wet sand beneath his feet.

Lister giggled, kissing him again before carrying on guiding him out.

His partner instantly stiffened when he felt the water rush over his ankles.

"Ya alright?" 

He nodded in return.

"Yer smegging brave." His lover smiled, dragging him further out until his shins and knees were fully submerged.

Rimmer's eyes widened at the warmness of the water and relaxed a little, "This isn't so bad…" 

Lister grinned at him before throwing himself down and bobbing in the shallow water.

The hologram squirmed as salt water splashed up at him.

"Sorry darlin--" His partner was cut off by Rimmer diving on top of him and pressing his waist down into the sand below. His eyes widened before a soft pair of sweet lips were pressed against his own salty pair.

Rimmer slid his hands up Lister's torso before pulling them together. 

"Smegging hell!" Lister gasped.

The hologram grinned proudly, "Did you forget I can actually swim, gimboid?" 

"But- but-" 

"It's shallow here." He shrugged before kissing his forehead.

His partner brought a hand up to his cheek and softly massaged it.

Rimmer blushed a little before shoving Lister under the water.

"Smeghead!" He screeched when he resurfaced, "What was that for?!" 

"You look cute when you're angry." He grinned.

"Oh smeg you." Lister pulled him sidewards, sending him under the next wave.

The hologram reappeared with a bemused look, he smacked his lips and narrowed his eyes, "Salty."

"No shit smeghead." His lover laughed. 

Rimmer's wet curls stuck to the sides of his head as he leant in to kiss Lister again, more desperate this time. 

The scouser moaned into the kiss and he felt his swimming trunks being unhooked by his partner. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister screamed out loud as Rimmer threw a wad of seaweed at him. The pair had decided to venture further out after their intense love making session. 

The hologram looked so much more lively and happy. He was swimming around and actually enjoying himself, leaving his previous demeanor behind. 

His lover swam up behind him and grabbed him around the waist, and yanking him back, "Yer smegging lucky you put yer trunks back on or I'd have grabbed yer arse instead!" He teased.

"Gimboid!" His partner screeched and kicked water back at him.

"Smeghead!" He watched as Rimmer broke free and dived under the water. He couldn't touch the bottom anymore and glanced around, no one to be seen. "Rimmer?" 

Silence besides the waves back on the shore behind him.

"Rimmeh man?" He glanced down into the darkness below him. Heh. He didn't have thalassophobia but god that was eerie.

Still silence.

A pair of hands grabbed him by the knees and yanked him under.

Lister screamed as he went under before being greeted by the smile of an extremely chuffed hologram. He gasped for air before bobbing back to the surface, coughing.

"Are you okay, Listy?" His partner's smile vanished and was instantly replaced with fear.

"I-" he coughed, "I'm fine." 

"I'm sorry." Rimmer sunk down a little, letting the water cover his shoulders.

"It's alright, sweetheart." He smiled, kissing the H on his lover's head.

"I got this for you." He lifted his arm up and opened his hand, revealing a massive shell, "I found it at the bottom… I don't need to breathe."

Lister's eyes widened as he stared at it.

"Do you like it?" 

"Oh Rimsy… I love it." 

The hologram's smile reappeared before he gently took Lister into his arms, "Can we go back and eat?" 

"Course we can."

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer nuzzled his face against Lister's bare neck and the pair sat huddled in their towels, sipping tea and lager as the white horses drifted up close to them.

The scouser smiled at his lover before planting a kiss on his nose.

"This is great." The hologram snuggled into him.

"It really is, isn't it?" 

"I love you so much."

"Heh, I love you too, smeghead." 

The hologram sighed, contently, as the warm sun shone against his face.

Lister stared at the shell in his hand before sliding it back into their bag.

"Whatcha wanna do?" He smiled.

Rimmer blinked, "I don't know." 

"How about…" He dropped his towel and grinned, "If you get where I'm coming from."

"Oh, Listy. Of course I do."

\-------------------------------------------------

When the pair arrived back on the Dwarf, showered and dressed, they snuck aboard.

"Shh.." Rimmer hissed, taking his lover's hand as they krept down the corridor and into the Captain's Quarters.

"Lock!" Lister called before chucking their bags down.

The hologram groaned with relief and threw himself onto the soft bed.

His partner nudged him onto his own side and lay beside him, "Sleepy?" Lister laughed 

Rimmer nodded and pulled him close, "Thank you for today." 

"No problem, you deserve it man." 

"I don't deserve you." He slurred, sleepily.

"Course ya do. We're two spacebums stuck out in the depths of space, we're the slimes of the human race." He sniggered.

Rimmer kissed his nose gently before closing his eyes and snuggling into his lover.

Lister smiled, cupping the back of Rimmer's head. 

"Night, smeghead."

He murmured something, inaudible, back.

"Love ya." 


	34. Uh oh...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Two Psirens get on board, smeg seems to go very bad for the Posse.
> 
> **A DESCRIPTION OF A BIT OF VIOLENCE AND THERE IS A LIL BIT OF KISSING IF THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFY**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is a request from Triquetra123, so thank you so much for giving me something to do!
> 
> I apologise if it isn't the best, might seem choppy/quick in some places but that's only because I wanted to cut to the chase.
> 
> You lucky devils, getting 3 fics in one day! Caw!
> 
> Anyway, Enjoy!

"Uh oh." 

"What is it?" Rimmer glanced up at Holly.

"There's two other life forms onboard, Arnold." He sighed.

The hologram pulled a face, "It's not Lister's socks, again?" 

"Nope. I checked fully and completely." Holly proudly smiled.

"Urgh, right. Fine." Rimmer sat up from his bunk and slipped on his blue diamond puffer jacket, "Where are the others?" 

"Dave's in the AR room, Kryten's in the laundry room and the Cat is in his bolthole." 

The hologram pinched the bridge of his nose, "I'd best get Lister first." 

"If you say so. I'll go get Kryten and Cat."

"Alright. Toodle pipski." 

\-------------------------------------------------

"Dave…" 

Lister swung his leg again, passing the ball to a forward as he ran up the wing.

"Dave…"

He could swear someone was calling his name but quickly dismissed it, the crowd were chanting his name anyway.

"Dave…"

Another pass forward, he could get into the box and take the shot.

"Dave…"

This was his chance! The ball landed on is right foot and he smashed it into the goal mouth

Just as it touched the goal line, the AR screen melted away, a face replacing it.

"For smegs sake!" He cried out in frustration.

"Hello Dave."

"Kris?!" The scouser gawped.

"Hi." She laughed, stroking his cheek a little.

What are you doing here?!" He grinned.

"I missed you… so… so… much." 

He stared in shock before snapping back to reality.

"Wait… how do I know you're real?" He backed away a little.

"Ask me anything." She smiled.

"I dunno…" He frowned, taking the gear off and glancing out of the windows.

"Anything." She grabbed his waist and pressed their bodies together.

"How did you get back? Didn't you leave with Nano Rimmer when he left to be Ace?"

She smiled, "I know but… I wanted you. I need you. Forget the other Dave!" Her grip tightened.

"Oh smeg." His eyes widened.

"Oh Dave- just do me now." She cried out before pressing their lips together.

Bad things usually happened out in deep space. This was a good one.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer paced down the corridor before slamming into someone who was exiting a room.

"Smeg!" He hunched over after taking an elbow to the stomach.

"You alright?" The familiar scouse-tone called.

"fine… fine… tickety boo." He groaned.

"'Ere. Lemme help ya." Lister took his hand and held it gently, "Yer probably just winded, breathe in."

Since Rimmer had died, he didn't actually need to breathe. Occasionally he did it to make it look as if he was alive but it was tiring and eventually he would forget about it. He took a deep breath in.

"Okay, now out."

He exhaled.

"Good, now keep going, ya clumsy smeghead." Lister pressed a kiss to his forehead.

Rimmer stopped dead in his tracks, "Did you just- did you just kiss me?" 

"Yeah?" He shrugged.

"Lister- I- I-" He stared into his eyes, searching them for an answer.

"Shh.. don't say anything." He placed his index finger on the hologram's lips.

"I don't understand-" He frowned.

His bunkmate grabbed the sides of his face and pulled him into a deep kiss, their lips gluing together.

Rimmer felt himself relax into the scouser's body, despite being hardlight, he felt as if he was melting.

Desperate hands grabbed onto his curls as he was pressed up against the wall.

"Smegging hell, Rimmer." Lister purred.

"I- what do you think you're doing… mi'laddo…?" 

"I read your OTHER diary." He grinned before licking across his lips.

"Oh smeg no… how did you find it?!" His eyes rolled into his head partially as his bunkmate began to caress his neck before he let out a loud moan.

Lister began to suck on his neck whilst Rimmer's hands explored his body.

"What the SMEG." Another voice from down the corridor came.

Rimmer's eyes darted down to see Lister standing hand in hand with Kochanski.

He opened his mouth to speak before being silenced by the other Lister's lips. He moaned with pleasure as he felt his tongue exploring his mouth.

"THE SMEG!" Lister down the corridor screamed.

The hologram couldn't talk. God he needed to talk but when there was a tongue halfway down his throat it was extremely hard to even focus on not diving forward and stripping off.

"SIRS THERE ARE PSIRENS ONBOARD!" Kryten came speeding down the corridor, followed by an armed Cat.

Pain. Excruciating Pain.

Rimmer let out a muffled scream as he saw the holo blade slit across his abdomen. He couldn't move.

The sound of fire came from somewhere in the halway. 

Lister dived aside as Kochanski began to contort.

The oversized Cockroach (I'm so sorry, this is the best way I can describe it) hissed at him before crawling towards him at full speed.

Another shot went off and the psiren exploded into a yellowish goop which caked the walls and floor.

"RIMMER!" Lister screeched.

The hologram stared up at the psiren before glancing back down at his bleeding stomach. This was it. He was going to die… again. 

Sure, the blood was simulated and sure he should've been fine but holoblades, holowhips, holobullets, anything like that was extremely painful to a hologram.

Tears streamed down his cheek as he prepared for his final moments.

The psiren was going to eat his holo organs right out of him. Obviously they had different functions than normal organs but Rimmer wondered if they tasted the same.

Another shot.

Rimmed cried out in agony as simulated blood poured out of him. This was bbaaadddd.

Yellow goop dripped down the side of his face as tears stung his eyes.

"Hey hey hey! Smegging hell. It's going to be alright." Lister gently cupped his cheek, "Yer gonna be alright."

"Real… Listy?" 

"Yes! It's me, Arn! It's me! Oh god yeah it's me!" He painfully laughed before bursting into tears, "Don't die on me, Arnie."

"Listy.." He smiled, tears flooding down his cheeks.

Kryten frantically panicked, "Oh Mr Cat sir! Can you get the first aid kit?!"

"On it, bud." He gulped and legged it down the corridor, dropping the bazookoid.

"Yes Arn?" The scouser sobbed.

Rimmer brought his hand up to his cheek, mimicking his pose, "I'm so sorry." 

"No! For smegs sake no!" He bawled.

"Don't.. don't cry, Listy." 

"Don't die on me!"

"I'm- I'm already dead." Rimmer winced.

"No! No no no! Rimmer please! I need you!"

"I love you Listy." 

Then there was silence.

A deafening silence.

Lister stared at the small lightbee in front of him before letting out a deafening scream.

Kryten stumbled backwards and cut out his audio intake.

Holly winced and disappeared from the nearest screen to the other side of the ship.

Cat gripped his ears as he dropped the first aid kit onto the floor.

"NO! NO NO NO!" Lister pounded his fist into the floor, the goop and gunge splattering all over him.

"Oh sir…" Kryten shuffled over.

"Leave me alone… please." He scooped the bee into his hands and stood up before running down the corridor.

Cat stared in silence. Sure, he didn't like Goal Post Head but he liked not liking Goal Post Head.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister flung himself up the steps of the observatory deck and collapsed into a heap on the floor, bawling.

He placed the bee onto the floor and buried his head in his hands. 

"I don't want to live anymore. Smeg you! Smeg this! Smeg everyone!"

He cried for a few more minutes until exhaustion hit. The scouser slumped down onto the cold floor as he slowly fell asleep.

\-------------------------------------------------

A week.

Lister stared at the messy bunk room as he trudged through, going to Rimmer's bunk. 

He promised himself he'd keep it clean. No messes. No curry. Nothing that wouldn't be there normally.

He lay down on the sheets and inhaled the fading aftershave. He couldn't live like this.

He slid his hands under the pillow to touch the cold lightbee which he had kept hidden from the others…

Smeg.

Lister sat up and threw the pillow down, the lightbee was gone.

Tears filled his eyes.

Where the smeg had it gone?! He hadn't taken it..

Cat.

Maybe Cat had found it.

There was movement beside him - someone sat down.

Lister spun his head around.

"Hello, Listy." 

The scouser burst into tears as he fell into Rimmer's arms, gripping onto him.

"Sh…" The hologram smoothed his hair.

"But- but-"

"I knew my bee would die from the overload of power… if I switched my projection off and went to my bee… it would calm down." He smiled softly.

"Your clothes..?" He touched the silk uniform.

Rimmer shrugged, "I needed an update and the other ones were soaked in holoblood."

"How's yer stomach?"

"Back to how it was before."

"Oh smeg!" He buried his face into his neck.

"What have you done to the bunkroom?" Rimmer wrinkled his nose.

Lister pulled away and awkwardly laughed.

"Hmph." Rimmer sighed, "Oh well then, we can deal with that later." 

"Rimmer… man…" He bit his lip and moved upwards, placing a soft kiss onto his cheek.

The hologram's eyes widened, "You're not a psiren?"

"No ya daft smegger." 

"Promise?" 

"Promise."

Rimmer closed the gap between them, pressing their mouths together gently as the pair savoured the moment.

"Never leave me again." Lister sniffled.

"I promise I won't."

"I love ya, man." The scouser shuffled onto his lap and clung to him.

Rimmer kissed him again, "I love you too."

They could both get used to this.


	35. A small family reunion (pt.1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a ship appears in the depths of space, you've always got to check who's on board.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING - Childhood Trauma ******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> So I usually post my fics in order of when I wrote them but idrc so I'm posting my most latest fic.
> 
> Thank you all so much for the love you're giving me on Tumblr <3
> 
> Special thanks to "shiftyking" for inspiring me for this, honestly thank you so much. (Go check out their Uncle Frank fic here https://archiveofourown.org/works/25067479/chapters/60717709)
> 
> Anyway, Enjoy!

"Oi Dave." Holly called.

"Yeah?" The scouser looked up from his lager can.

"There's a ship right next to us."

"Right next to us?!" Rimmer leapt up from his bunk, "Why didn't you tell us sooner?!" 

"Forgot."

"That's not good enough, you senile git."

"I what?" He frowned

"You heard!" 

"Alright, calm down smeghead." Lister glared over at him, "Let's go to the drive room." 

\-------------------------------------------------

When the duo arrived, Cat and Kryten were already ready in their positions.

"Oh wow, you guys were quick." Lister grinned.

"I noticed it!" Cat proudly exclaimed.

"Well done man." The scouser sat down beside him.

Rimmer muttered some obscenity under his breath before sitting down at his station, running his fingers through his thick curls.

"Open all communication links, broadcasting in all languages, including welsh." He cleared his throat and glanced over at Holly.

"Onnit." The computer nodded before disappearing off screen.

The four sat in silence as they waited.

"We've got a connection." Kryten called out.

The screen buzzed to life as a figure formed through the static.

"This is Officer Frank Rimmer. We are in need of assistance." The hologram bit his lip as he stared at the four.

Rimmer dived out of his seat and ran out of the room just before he was seen properly. 

Lister spun around in his chair before turning back to the screen. This man was much older than Rimmer's older brother… meaning this was Frank sr. His uncle. 

The scouser was unable to speak, he just kept gawping at the screen.

"Are you dumb or, slash, and are you a fish?" Frank sr sneered in that smarmy tone Rimmer used.

"S- sorry. Erm. Krytes, can you deal with this." He sprung out of his seat.

"Of course sir." The mechanoid furrowed his brow as he watched Lister run out of the room.

Cat frowned and shrugged, turning back to face the irritated Officer. "Oh hey?! You have the same last name as non-bud!" 

Frank frowned, "Excuse me?" 

"Mr Rimmer sir, you have the same last name as our Mr Rimmer." Kryten chirped.

"Another Rimmer?" The officer looked taken aback, "What's his name?" 

"His name is Rimmer, dummy."

"Mr Cat, sir, he means what is Mr Rimmer's christian name! It's Arnold, sir." 

The officer tensed up a little before licking his lips, "Is it safe to come aboard?" 

"Why yes sir. It's perfectly safe." 

"Good."

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister found his bunkmate hunched over the toilet, emptying his stomach contents.

"Oh smeg, are you alright man?" He rushed over and knelt at his side.

"F- fine." He shuddered.

The scouser put his hand on his shoulder and gently massaged it, "That isn't ya brother, is it?"

"No." Rimmer winced, wiping his mouth on a ball of toilet roll.

"Yer uncle?" 

He nodded.

"Ah. Right." The vague memory of them being all drunk and Rimmer explaining his first ever french kiss sprung to mind, "Want a glass of water?" 

He nodded again.

"Alright, I'll be right back." Lister got to his feet and scurried out of the room.

As he was filling his glass, the bunk room door slid open and Cat spun in, followed by Kryten and Rimmer sr. 

"Ah! So you must be David Lister." He looked him up and down in a disapproving manner, "The last human left in the universe." 

"Yup. That's me." 

The sound of retching came from the bathroom and Lister shivered, glancing down at the full glass in his hand.

"Please, allow me. I'm sure my nephew is a bit shocked to see me." He held out his hand, waiting for the glass to be put into it.

A voice in Lister's head screamed over and over for him not to pass the glass. He met the Officer's gaze and chills went through his spine. He passed the glass.

"Do you mind if we have some alone time?" Frank sr smiled.

"Of course not, sir!" Kryten smiled and walked out.

Lister's jaw dropped as he watched Cat follow behind. They just left Rimmer with his uncle?!

"Erm."

"Please, we have so much to catch up on."

Rimmer appeared in the doorway, as white as a sheet as he stared at his uncle.

"Arnold!" He beamed.

"Uncle Frank." He nodded in acknowledgement. 

"Here." He marched over and passed him the glass, their fingers briefly touching before Rimmer swiped it away.

"You are no longer needed, David." Frank sr glanced over at the scouser.

Fear filled Rimmer's eyes as he stood stiff in place.

"Are ya su--"

"Perfectly sure, thank you." He barked.

His bunkmate stared at him, "It's fine, Listy, I'll catch you up later." His eyes gave away his words.

Lister winced and bowed his head, there was no point in trying to stay, "Okay."

He regretfully left the room, but he had a plan.

The doors slid shut.

"So then, Arnold, are you a medium light hologram?" He raised an eyebrow as his nephew chugged the glass.

"Medium light?" 

"Yes. We are able to act as human beings, touching and all of that."

"Oh right. I'm a hardlight." He shrugged.

"Hardlight?"

"Can touch, immune to pain."

"Right." His uncle cleared his throat and began to pace.

"How were Sarah and Alice… the last time you saw them, I mean."

Frank sr wrinkled his nose, "Sarah had grown into the beautiful girl she'd always been. She was a housewife from what she'd written to me." He proudly smiled.

"What about her twin sister."

The smile deflated.

"She moved to Earth and became a police officer."

Rimmer frowned, "That's a bit random."

"Tell me about it! I told her she was meant to go into teaching but she rebelled and ran away." He grumbled.

"Oh right." He pursed his lips and nodded.

"Now, that's enough of the small talk." He smiled.

A panicked look spread across Rimmer's face.

"Oh Arnold. So naive, so innocent." He pushed him against the wall, pressing their bodies together, "You've put on weight." 

"Sss- sorry?" He whimpered.

His uncle leant in and whispered into his ear, "What happened to your skinny… frail… helpless body?"

"Nothing…" Rimmer's legs began to quiver as his Uncle Frank began kissing his neck, just below his ear.

The Officer's large hands began to roam his body, touching every inch of fabric to touch that there was.

Tears rolled down Rimmer's cheeks as fear struck him once again. This was happening all over again.

"Do you remember… that weekend?" Frank sr murmured.

Rimmer's grip on the wall tightened, "How can I…" he gulped, "forget that?" 

Their eyes met and his uncle closed the gap between them.

Arnold couldn't move. Every limb in his body had gone numb as his lips were the only part of him that could feel. Memories flooded back.

"Please… stop." He cried as they broke apart to breathe.

"Oh, Arnold!" He gripped onto his waist and pressed their groins together, snogging him senseless. 

The hologram screamed into the kiss, trying to break away as he felt his uncle's hard length pressed into his thigh.

His uncle's hands slid around his waist, down onto his arse and gripped onto it firmly. Massaging it in his palms in the same movements as his tongue slithered around his mouth.

Rimmer found himself falling before being smashed against the wall and the hands reappearing all over.

Frank sr pulled away and breathed heavily, "Still taste the same." He grinned.

The doors slid open and Lister strolled in, "Oi Rimmer--" He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the pair tangled in each other.

"Listy!" Tears or relief gushed down.

"Rimmer man, you okay?"

"He's fine. It's fine. Can you leave us alone?" Frank sr snapped.

"Ya sure about that?" The scouser raised an eyebrow.

"Yes! I know how my nephew feels." 

Rimmer pressed himself against the wall harder, trying to make enough room to squirm out.

"Well, my best mate doesn't look that happy. I've never seen him cry before." 

"Some friend you must be." He scoffed.

There was a painful silence.


	36. A small family reunion (pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister doesn't let things slide.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING - Childhood Trauma**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're all well!
> 
> So here's the second part of the fic :)
> 
> Enjoy!

"Sorry?" Lister blinked.

"You heard me. Some friend you must be."

Rimmer let out a suppressed cry

The scouser frowned, "Well who are you to--"

The officer glared at him and peeled away from Rimmer, before cutting him off, "I'll be back later. I best check on my ship." He narrowed his eyes and stormed away.

Lister furrowed his brow.

Rimmer slumped down and began to cry on the bunk room floor. 

"Smeg!" His bunkmate hissed as he rushed over and crouched by his side, "What's wrong man?"

"Listy--" he whimpered, shuffling into his bunkmate's arms, "I need to be sick…" 

"Hey, hey, come 'ere. Let's get ya to the bathroom." 

"O- okay." 

The scouser helped him to his feet and instantly took notice of him shaking. The hologram stumbled to the bathroom in Lister's arms before toppling down in front and heaving up into the toilet bowl.

"Oh smeg what happened to ya?" He sat down and cradled him as he sobbed.

"Listy I need to tell you something…" He sniffled.

"Go on, tell me anything ya need to, man."

"Remember that time I told you all about my first French kiss?" He bowed his head with shame.

"Yeah. Not very well because we were all drunk but yeah." 

He bit his lip, "It was more than a kiss." 

The scouser frowned, "Whatcha mean?" 

"He… he touched me." His voice wavered.

A brief pause.

"Oh smeg. No no no." Lister whined, smoothing the hologram's messy curls, "did he do to ya what I think he did…?"

He nodded, "In my bed… the shower… the woods by the house we stayed at… everywhere and anywhere he got the chance." He whimpered.

"Shhh, shhh." Lister kissed his forehead. Sure, he didn't exactly like Rimmer but the voice inside his head was telling him Rimmer needed reassurance.

The hologram burst into tears, "It was my fault. I let it happen." 

"It's not yer smegging fault!" Lister cried in protest, "You were 14, weren't ya?"

"It's my fault."

"No it's not!"

"It is! It is!" It is!" He wailed.

Lister felt sick himself, seeing his bunkmate on the verge of a breakdown and so weak. In all of the time they had been stuck together, he'd briefly seen Rimmer cry once. Now? He was crying like his life depended on it. "How is it yer fault?"

Rimmer nodded, "I came out to my cousins and they told him…"

"Came out?" 

The hologram looked into his eyes and nodded again before breaking back into tears.

"Oh you poor smeghead…" He kissed his H.

Rimmer bowed his head in shame, "I'm so disgusting…" 

"No yer not." He tilted his head back up, "Yer great just the way you are."

"I'm not." Tears streamed down his face before Lister kissed both of his eyes. "I'm just as much a burden to you than I am to everyone else."

"No yer not! No yer not!"

"You don't need me."

"For smegs sake, Arn, 'course need ya!" 

They sat in a heavy silence.

"Let me sort this, okay?" He smiled at him sincerely.

"Listy… I... thank you." Rimmer sniffled.

"Anytime, smeghead." He ruffled his curls a little and got to his feet. 

Smeg was going to go down.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister found Frank in the drive room, sitting in Rimmer's chair.

"What the smeg are you doing?" 

"Hm?" The officer glanced up.

"I said, what the smeg are ya doing?" 

"None of your business." He frowned. Tapping a few more buttons.

Lister grabbed him by the collar, yanked him upwards and smashed him against the wall. Sure this guy was towering above him in height and had rippling muscles, but Lister had no smegs to give. No one messed with someone in the Posse and got away with it, "What the smeg did you do to him?" 

"Sorry?" He laughed.

"What the smeg did you do to Arnold Judas Rimmer?" He growled, tightening his grip.

He grinned a toothy grin, "I taught him what it was like to be a (insert f slur here)"

Anger spread across Lister's face, "You smegging disgust me." 

"Serves him right, did it work? Did he ever get a girlfriend?" He proudly smiled at him.

"No."

"Ugh. Such a shame." He sighed, the smile partially fading, "A disgrace on the family name. His father tried so many conversion therapy clinics. Arnold was incurable."

"There's nothin wrong with being gay, smeghead." Lister winced at the idea of a young Rimmer being told by multiple Conversion Therapists that he was sinning and needed to change back to being 'normal'.

"Oh, you've never been to Io. It's as low as you can get. It's sickening." Frank laughed.

Lister pulled a face of disgust.

"But, do you want to know something, David?" He smiled.

"What?" He skeptically glared at him

"I would do it again. Just to feel his helpless body beneath me. To hear him scream and cry. To hear his begs of mercy. To taste the sweat on his neck. To see him in fear. I'd do it all again." 

Lister dropped him onto the floor, bubbling with rage, "Touch him and I'll smegging kill ya." 

Uncle Frank laughed, "Try me." 

The scouser felt as if he was going to be sick. He stared at the vile man and stormed out, regretting not hitting him.

Smeg.

He should've done more than that. 

Smeg.

Had he made issues worse?

Smegging hell… he'd just have to wait and see.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer lay in his bunk listening to the loud snores above him. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he couldn't sleep.

The hologram swung his legs off of the bed and stormed out. He needed to think.

The Observation Dome. He could think in peace there.

He muffled his cries as he ran towards the deck. He just wanted to be alone.

The corridors seemed longer and darker than usual, making him feel smaller.

"Arnold." A voice purred as he walked deeper into a dimly lit passage way.

Smeg. No no no no smeg.

The hologram stopped dead in his tracks. Unable to move.

"Oh Arnie." His uncle was now at his side, groping his baby blue pyjamas.

"Please stop." He squeaked.

A hand on his crotch. 

"Aren't you excited to see me?" His uncle kissed his neck.

Rimmer's legs nearly gave way.

"Come on. Let's go." Frank took his wrist and lead him back to his own ship.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister woke up slowly and instantly glanced down at the bunk beneath him.

Empty.

A voice inside his head told him Rimmer would be fine, that he would probably be contemplating somewhere.

The other voice was fanatically screaming. Something was wrong. 

The scouser threw himself down and blinked the blurriness of sleep away before rushing out of the bunkroom.

He had to find him.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer lay panting in his uncle's bed. Tears gushing down his face as his uncle finished and came inside of him violently.

Why did he let this happen? He was a full grown man, for smegs sake.

He gripped the sheets as an attempt of reassurance as his Uncle Frank began caressing his naked torso all over again. 

"Oh Arnold… you are fantastic."

The hologram whimpered.

"Yes… keep whimpering. I love to hear you." He leant upwards and pressed their mouths together, ramming his tongue down his throat.

Rimmer let out a cry and tried to push him away, only to feel his Uncle grind his hips into his own. 

The doors slid open.

"WHAT THE SMEGGING HELL DO YA THINK YER DOING?"

The Officer broke away from the kiss and spun his head around to see Lister stood in the doorway, armed with a bazookoid.

"David--"

"Don't you smegging dare. Get the smeg off of him." 

He bit his lip with pleasure and reached across for his underwear.

"FORGET THE SMEGGING UNDERWEAR. GET UP."

Rimmer let out a cry and shuffled away.

Frank sr stood with his hands above his head, "What are you going to do? I've taken what I wanted. I watched him scream and cry, I fucked him. What are you going to do about it? You're the one who let him down. You let this happen."

Rage spread across Lister's face like a wildfire before he cocked the bazookoid.

"Holobullets." He smiled.

The Officer stopped smiling, "Sorry?" 

No mercy.

Lister fired. 

The smashed lightbee fell to the floor as Lister stood trembling with rage.

"Listy…?"

He looked over at the hologram and bit his lips closed, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Rimmer, man-" he dropped the bazookoid and rushed over before he fell at his side.

"Listy-" he cried out and opened his arms.

The scouser gently wrapped his arms around his naked bunkmate and held him tightly in his arms.

His bunkmate clung to him, "How did you find me?" 

"Holly." Lister sniffed.

"Thank you." He cried, kissing the scouser's cheek.

Lister's eyes widened a little. Considering what had just happened, Rimmer was being awfully nice.

"Are you okay? Aren't ya angry at me? I'm so sorry-"

"Oh Listy. You're the only person to ever care about me and you saved me. You might have been a little late but… beggars can't be choosers." 

"Honestly man… yer taking this too lightly."

"I'm just in shock." He gulped, "It'll pass later." 

"Come on. Let's get back." He picked up Rimmer's pyjamas and slung them over his arm.

The hologram nodded.

\-------------------------------------------------

It had been six months since Rimmer's uncle Frank had 'graced' them with his visit.

Lister had broken the ship's link with Red Dwarf and ejected it and the smashed lightbee into deep space.

The scouser was awoken by a little shuffling in his arms.

A sleepy hologram blinked back at him.

"Goodmorning, gimboid."

A smile spread across his face and he planted a kiss on his lover's H. He was so proud of him for coming so far.

Despite the fact that Rimmer had been hesitant to touch and have sex at first, the hologram had managed to face his fears and the couple were living in perfect bliss.

"Mornin' smeghead."


	37. Explanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Used to be a sequel to 'Sweet Tooth', but you can read it as a stand-alone.
> 
> Guess what... there's no smut! Only humour :) .... there's a little bit of fluff I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you're doing well. Instead of our usual angst I have a funny fic for y'all :) 
> 
> Enjoy!

"So why are we doing this again?" Lister narrowed his eyes in confusion.

"You scoff down food and it's painful to watch."

"Oi you can eat food yerself. Why do ya need to feed me?" He frowned.

Rimmer rolled his eyes, unwrapping a chocolate bar, "You can actually savour it when I feed it to you slowly." 

"For smegs sake man." He rolled his eyes. 

The hologram snapped two squares off and slowly put them into Lister's mouth, "Don't chew." 

"I'm gonna thew. I'm going to thuck it like you do. Leth it melt." He smirked.

"Sh! Close your mouth and savour it." Rimmer put his index finger over his lips.

Lister sighed and closed his mouth, pressing the melting block against the room of his mouth.

"Also close your eyes, just focus on the piece." Rimmer whispered into his ear.

Lister looked at him and put his middle finger up before looking away and closing his eyes.

"I thont thupose you could thuck me off after this, like you did last time?" He teased.

"Shut up or I'll stop feeding you."

Lister frowned, "In general or?"

"Shut up!" Rimmer shoved another piece into his mouth.

Lister couldn't help but laugh.

"Goit." 

"Thmeghead." He leant in and kissed his cheekbone, making Rimmer blush.

"Focus on the chocolate, you gimboid! Not what you're going to do to me later." He rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Rimmer broke a block off for himself, gently popping it into his mouth.

Lister stared in awe.

He tutted. Rimmer put his hands over Lister's eyes.

"Hey!" 

"Focus on yourself! I'm trying to teach you to enjoy your food, to savour the flavour."

"I thew that alreathy!"

"Oh please. Inhaling a curry with your two half dead taste buds is completely different to this." He broke a piece off and brought it to Lister's lips, waiting for him to open his mouth.

A devilish grin appeared across Lister's face and he opened his mouth, allowing Rimmer to put a piece in before quickly shutting it over his finger tips.

"Lister!" He whined in annoyance.

Lister licked his fingertips.

Rimmer tried to act annoyed, "Knock it off, gimboid!" He slid his fingers out and looked at them in irritation. 

Lister swallowed, "This is just weird, man." He leant inwards and wrapped gently took the chocolate off of Rimmer, he split a row off and halved it, shoving one half into Rimmer's mouth and the other into his own. 

The hologram raised an eyebrow before being tackled by a sticky, heated kiss. He was thrown backwards onto his pillow as Lister straddled on top of him, keeping their mouths sealed.

"Oh sirs!" Someone cried from the doorway.

Lister's eyes flew open and he dived back to the other end of the bed, melted chocolate and spit dribbling down his chin.

Rimmer licked his sticky lips and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, trying to sit up quickly.

"Oh Mr Lister- what were you doing to Mr Rimmer?!" Kryten wailed, dropping his vacuum hose onto the floor.

"Kryten, you silicone dildo-headed git, what the smeg do you think you're doing?" Rimmer snapped.

"I- oh sir! I came into vacuum and I saw Mr Lister-" he covered his eyes.

"Hey it's okay, Kryters, ya best sit down." Lister wiped his chin with his sleeve, getting an annoyed grunt from Rimmer.

The mechanoid swiftly walked over to the table and pulled out a chair, throwing himself down and wailing.

"Hey, sorry man, you didn't mean to see that." Lister stood up and began to comfort him.

"But- you and Mr Rimmer? You hate Mr Rimmer! We all hate Mr Rimmer!"

"Oh thank you, Kryten." Rimmer hissed from the bunk.

"Look, it's not that ba--"

"He doesn't have those innie-outie bits Miss Kochanski had, sir! Why would you and Mr Rimmer even thing about performing sexual intercorse?!" 

Lister let out a choking noise, "Well Krytes, when two people love each other-"

"Yes but sir! You aren't able to reproduce so why are you even bothering?!"

"Because it's nice you dim-minded half wit." Rimmer snarled, shoving a piece of chocolate into his mouth.

"Oi don't eat all of it." Lister whined.

"Nice?! Sirs, why don't you two use the AR machine and find some women?" Kryten asked in confusion.

"Kryten, women aren't exactly my 'turn on'." Rimmer rolled his eyes.

"Find another man! Why Mr Lister?!" 

"It's fine Krytes, I like it as well!" Lister pinched the bridge of his nose.

Kryten let out a sob before squeaking, "You like your special time with Mr Rimmer more than you like me!" 

"Come on Krytes, I obviously value you more than sex." Lister patted his shoulder.

"That's not what you said last night when I--" 

"RIMMER!" Lister shouted over him.

"Really?" Kryten sniffled.

"Yeah! Of course man! You're great! I would never value sex over ya."

"But if I offered you to do folding sheets with me against a night with Mr Rimmer, which would you take?" He squeeked. 

"Folding sheets with you because he spends every night with me." Rimmer grumbled.

"Uhmm… yeah folding sheets with you." Lister nodded, "Hey, why don't I come help ya with the laundry later."

"Oh! Oh thank you, sir!" Kryten wiped his eyes, "I best get started."

"Yeah, I'll be there soon."

The mechanoid nodded before scuttling off. 

"'I would never value sex over you.' Are you having him on?" Rimmer raised an eyebrow.

"Oh shut up you. Lock." He sat back down on the other end of the bed.

"Right then, Listy, where were we?" 

"Hm, I'm not sure." He pretended to think as Rimmer crawled up to him.

"Well, who cares, mi'laddo. You just need to realise you'll be valuing me above everything over the next half hour." He grinned, pushing him down into the mattress.

"Oh really?" Lister's eyes narrowed as he picked up the chocolate bar and broke the remaining row in half. Like before he split it into two, one for Rimmer, one for himself.

"Don't doubt me, goit."


	38. Moons are weird (pt.1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the Posse crash land Starbug onto a moon, they realise Rimmer's not amongst them. 
> 
> Smeg.
> 
> I wouldn't call it smut, just a bit _kinky_ but not in an uncomfortable way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So I'm posting another fic today as requested, I'll be posting part 2 in two days time as per usual :) 
> 
> Enjoy!

Lister sat up in the rubble, his head throbbed violently as he pulled bits of debris out of his hair. He looked up to see Cat and Kryten lying side by side. He crawled over and checked Cat for a pulse. The feiline's eyes flew open.

"Hey, monkey, don't put your grubby fingers on my neck line!" He hissed before rolling onto his knees and getting up.

The mechanoid sat up, "Sirs?!"

"Hey we're all here bud!" Cat grinned.

Lister looked over at Starbug, thank smeg it didn't get destroyed in the process of landing. Only a few trees and them falling out of the airlock.

Something was off.

Kryten scanned the area, "Oh no.."

"What's wrong??" Lister scratched his chin.

"We're on a Psi-Moon…" 

"No… No…" Lister frantically searched the smashed up tree. "RIMMER?!" He screamed out.

"Why don't we just leave?!" Cat raised an eyebrow.

"We need to find him. Now!" 

"Sirs, everything should be as we remembered it… maybe worse or better but location wise… shouldn't have changed." Kryten sighed.

Lister ran over to Starbug and rushed inside, he picked up a bazookoid, "Holly?!" 

"Yyyesss?" 

"Can you find Rimmer on the radar?" He bit his lip.

"Eeerrmmmm… Yes. Yes I've found him." The computer nodded.

"Okay, where?!"

The computer was looking at something off screen and then back at Lister, "Just sent Kryten all of the details."

"Alright, thanks man." 

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer groaned. He looked around to see men in black hoods surrounding him. Oh no, god please no. He winced as he looked up at his chained hands he was naked all for the loin cloth around his waist. 

The hooded men stepped away and gathered in a circle.

"Erm hello?" Rimmer whimpered.

The figures turned to look at him.

"Oh err- do you know where I am?" He managed, gulping.

They looked at each other then back at him.

"Alright then. Keep your secrets." He replied, snidely. 

He glanced around the well lit room. He was back here. The psi-moon. He looked over at the pit in the ground and grunted in annoyance. Just like before. He wasn't sure if he was alive or not.

"So where's 'your master' hm? My 'self-loathing'. I'm waiting." He snapped.

The figures looked at themselves before scuttling away.

"Wait! Don't go!" He whined. "Great… This is where I get oiled--"

A hatch above him opened and he looked up, smeg. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister waded through the swamp. Sure enough, everything was where it had been a few years ago. 

"I hate his mind." Cat, who was getting a piggyback on Kryten, whined. "Goal Post Head must be sick! We gotta turn him off, buds!"

"No! Rimmer's a human being as well… he just needs a bit of help."

Cat muttered something under his breath.

"Sirs, look! There's a pool over there." The mechanoid pointed at a pond-like feature a few metres away from them.

"Should we have a look?" Lister lifted his leg out of the bog and into a slightly more shallow trench of water.

They looked at each other and nodded before making their way over.

A tail flicked out of the water.

Cat rushed over, "Little fishies!" He grinned, looming over the pool in anticipation. 

Lister and Kryten looked at each other in confusion as they edged nearer.

"I'm gonna eat you, Little Fishies! Little Fishies, I'm gonna eat you!" Cat sang, doing a victory dance.

A figure arose from the pool, still halfway submerged.

Lister furrowed his brow, the figure looked vaguely familiar. He was sure he'd seen him before. Straight brownish black hair, subtle beard. 

It stared back at them before disappearing under.

"Little Fishies?"

The merman appeared again, with two others.

"Oh eh? John, Frank 'n' Howard." Lister put his hands on his hips and stared in a mix of disbelief and confusion.

"Mr Rimmer's brothers?"

"Yeah? This is a weird way to portray them though, isn't it? Like, they're quite good looking, they're mermaids."

"Reverse mermaids! No one wants to look at Goal Post Head's handsome brothers." Cat hissed, scampering away.

"They ain't half bad looking though, are they Krytes?" Lister found himself walking towards them.

"Sir wait!" Kryten gripped his shoulder, "Those aren't mermen." 

"Huh?" 

"They are sirens, sir."

"Sirens? Like those weird overgrown cockroach things that lurked around those derelicts that time?" His brow furrowed.

"No, sir. Like sea sirens. They're luring you in with their looks." 

"Luring me in with their looks…?"

"I believe Mr Rimmer sees his brothers like Sirens. They are good looking and successful but they're really pure evil." He tutted.

"Pure evil? These guys? Yer pulling me leg, Krytes." Lister laughed.

The siren that was meant to be John's face contorted. It sort of looked like an Anglerfish and hissed at them.

Cat hissed back, retorting.

"Urgh!" Lister flew backwards.

"See, sir?" Kryten sighed, shaking his head.

"That's- That's- That's horrifying, man." He winced, picking himself off of the floor.

"Come on, sirs, we best find the cemetery before things get worse for Mr Rimmer." 

\-------------------------------------------------

"This is horrible!" Rimmer screeched as honey poured from the trap door. His hair was caked in it and he was covered head to toe in the gooey substance. 

"I hate being sticky!" He violently pulled on his manacles, only to get them to dig further into his skin. "Why couldn't I be oiled by beautiful women again, hm? This is far more violating!" 

A metal door swung open and two figures emerged.

"Gentlemen… erm… how can I help you…?" He laughed nervously.

"Oh Rimmer…" The taller figure purred.

His jaw dropped. No. He recognised that voice far too well.

"F- Frankie..?" He stammered.

Sure enough, the taller figure stepped out of the shadows first.

"Rimmer." He acknowledged him.

The hologram felt himself go numb and if he had a real heart beat, it would be going through the roof. He stared at him in his skimpy shorts and white t-shirt, highlighting every single muscle on his chest and abdomen.

"I- Erm- Todhunter, sir." He winced, looking away.

Within seconds, Todhunter was by his side, he threw a holowhip onto the ground beside Rimmer's feet.

"Aren't I glad to see you.. sir?" He stuttered.

"Oh Arnie… forget the formalities." He whispered into his ear.

Rimmer soon became very conscious of the honey that was dripping down his torso, "Apologise for my appearance, Frankie, I didn't know you'd be here." 

Todhunter smirked, "Arnie please.." he suddenly leant forwards and licked up his neck.

"I er-" Rimmer went bright red as he watched his ex-lover lick some of the honey off of his body.

"Mm… you taste so good." He murmured.

"Well erm… sir… I-- we were over a long time ago... you moved on!" He managed.

"But I've wanted you back for sooo long… I want you back." He smirked.

"Well er, it seems like I don't have much of a choice here, do I?" He watched as Todhunter licked across his left nipple, sending a strong arousal down to beneath his loincloth.

"We're going to make you beg for us." 

"Erm… what?" 

"Physical… sexual… torture." He slowly spoke, practically spelling the words out.

"Like I said, sir, it was a brief fling--" 

"Brief fling, Arnie? We spent your first two years onboard making love almost every day. Brief fling much." He massaged the honey into his scalp.

"Hold on… you said we? The other one, where's the other one?" He tried to move his body but remembered he was chained at both the ankles and wrists.

The second figure approached him from his right side, having gone around behind him. 

"Smeg! Oh god! Smeg!" Rimmer screamed in both fear and pleasure as the other man began to grope his waistline, licking the honey off of his shoulder. He tried so hard to not be attracted to the figure, he looked so arousing in this lighting and with his revealing shorts and shirt, only he didn't have rippling abs.

"You have your whip, don't you?" Todhunter murmured.

"Mhm."

"Let's begin." He grinned, kicking his own whip off of the floor and into his left hand. "Pour the second batch."


	39. Moons are weird (pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part.2 of the Posse's attempt to save Rimmer from his own psi-moon, once again.
> 
> **MENTION OF BLOOD**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! When I next update I'll be posting two mini fics, which I've done I think twice before, so you'll have that to look forward to! :)
> 
> Enjoy!

"Okay, so we're through the swamp of despair." Lister threw himself onto the grass, checking himself for any leeches.

"That was horrible!" Cat cried, being lowered off of Kryten's back.

"Permission to agree, sirs?"

"Granted." Lister sighed.

"Agreed!"

"Come on," Lister got to his feet, "The cemetery is just up the path."

The frogs behind them continued to croak and chant "useless" over and over.

Cat shuddered, "Can you buds please consider turning him off!" 

"No!" Lister spun around and grabbed Cat by his lapels, "We are not switching him off!"

"Get off! Get off! Look, monkey, you've creased my suit!" Cat cried out.

"Smeg off." Lister took a few more paces.

"Sirs, if I'm correct from the cemetery it was only a few hundred feet to the entrance of the chamber." Kryten finally spoke.

"Okay, that's good."

"Bud, why do you care about Goal Post Head? He's horrible to you!" Cat ran up beside him.

"I don't know, guy. I wish I did but I don't."

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister scrambled through the vents, this seemed slightly harder than it had been a few years ago.

"Alphabet Head owes me… my poor suit!" Cat grumbled from somewhere behind Lister.

Someone cried out from below them.

"I can see him-- oh my god…" Lister frowned down at the vent.

"What is it sir?" Kryten shifted beside him.

"What the smeg am I looking at?!" 

"What is it?" Cat finally joined the other three and looked down, "Oh damn…"

\-------------------------------------------------

Another whip to the side before a warm tongue went up the back of his neck. He'd been sucked off twice, whipped twenty - thirty times and he'd been covered in honey three times. On the third batch he thought he was going to suffocate, it was like being buried alive with all of the honey caked onto his face.

Todhunter began licking and nibbling at his neck, sending a shiver down his spine.

The pair briefly stopped, they stood at attention.

"Hey.. don't stop, I was starting to enjoy that." He nervously laughed.

"Sir." The clones said in unison.

"Oh hello self loathing isn't it great to see you again?" Rimmer gulped.

Who appeared wasn't just his self loathing beast. It was a whole lot worse. It was a mutant hybrid of his self loathing and…

"Father…?" His breathing quickened as he felt a panic attack coming on.

It hissed at him.

"Oh smeg… please help." Tears welled in his eyes.

"Arnold you pathetic scum."

"Y- yes Father…?" 

"I'm not your father!" It leant in close, it's snakey-slender body winding around itself like the tails of a rat king.

"I'm your repression." It purred.

"That's… nice…"

"And these are my minions." He signalled at the two clones.

"Oh… hello again."

"Carry on, boys." He grinned, teeth like daggers showed.

"Oh smeg-" he flinched before a tongue licked from his jaw up and over his eye.

His body was sore from the whip lashes.

"Keep hitting him… it's such an embarrassing way to die…" 

"Yes, sir."

The whip slashed across his thighs, making him wince immensely. Todhunter was licking over his shoulder and forearm whilst "the other" was licking his thighs and lower abdomen.

"I'm going to take so much pleasure in killing you." The beast extended, snaking along one of the walls.

A vent a few feet away collapsed and someone toppled in.

"Well well well, what have we here?" The beast's head appeared beside Lister.

"Rimmer man… what the smeg?" He looked up at his bunkmate.

"Lister I can--"

The second figure turned to face him and Lister screamed out.

"RIMMER IS THAT- IS THAT ME AND… IS THAT TODHUNTER?!" He screeched.

"Y- yes, it is… mi'laddo…" He blushed, tears rolling down his cheeks and into the remaining honey on his jaw.

"Rimmer man.." He bit his lip, he wanted to scream and shout at him but he knew it wouldn't do anything, "It's-- it's fine.." 

"What?" Rimmer's expression relaxed a little.

"You know… this isn't yer fault… any of it!"

"It isn't?!"

"No!"

"SILENCE!" The beast hissed, a tentacle like thing wrapped itself around Lister's mouth. 

"mmHHggGhh!" 

"LISTER!" Rimmer cried out. A fourth batch of honey came pouring.

"Listen here you little queer mamby panby disgrace," The beast snarled, "he's being incincere… he doesn't mean-- ARGH!" 

Lister sunk his teeth into the tentacle before scampering away a few feet closer to Rimmer.

The hologram bit his lips as the clones began licking him again.

"Hey man, it's okay. You don't need to worry, I'll get ya out of here." 

"Lister just go… I'm not worth it." 

"No. You're worth it, Rimmer I need you man." 

"What..?"

"Oh sir we all need you!" Kryten panted, having crawled out of the vent.

The beast let out a shrill scream.

"STAB HIM!" It growled.

Todhunter removed a small blade from his belt and stabbed Rimmer's forearm.

"ARGH!" Rimmer screamed out, blood spilling from his arm, which the clones seemed to enjoy sucking with the honey.

"Oh sir, we would be lost without you! You really are an important part of the team!" 

"You're our leader, man!" Lister smiled.

The beast's head appeared at his side as the clones marched away, "They will never accept you for what you truly are… no one ever will. Todhunter used you." 

"Accept you for what, bud?" Cat's voice wavered slightly.

"I can't- I can't tell you…" He winced.

Lister dropped his bazookoid and rushed up to him, the clones hissed and backed away,

"Talk to me. Tell me what's going on." He put his hand on Rimmer's cheek, massaging the honey into his skin with his thumb.

The hologram looked at his bleeding arm and then up at Lister, "I'm- I'm gay." 

His bunkmate smiled at him and leant inwards, gently kissing him, "That's amazing." He whispered against his lips.

"NO! YOU'RE NOT MEANT TO ACCEPT HIM!" The beast screamed out, violently shaking itself. It lashed a tentacle at Lister and one at Cat and Kryten.

"Don't hurt them!" Rimmer cried out, "Please!"

Lister dodged it, "I'm okay, you're doing great."

He suddenly stumbled forward against Lister, back in his normal clothes but still caked in honey. 

"Come on." Lister carefully took his uncut arm, "Let's get out of here."

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer sat shivering back on Starbug.

"Yer really brave, n strong." Lister sat by his side, gently cleaning his cut.,

"Thank you.." The hologram meekly replied.

"Oh sir, you did such a great job at staying strong." Kryten placed a tray of tea and biscuits in front of the pair.

"We're only a few hours from the Dwarf, buds." Cat appeared in the doorway.

"I owe you all an apology," Rimmer took a deep breath, "I'm really sorry for what happened on the psi-moon… again." 

"Hey, isso okay, man." 

"Oh it's okay sir! It's not your fault your subconscious is sick and twisted."

Rimmer bowed his head.

"Let's go get ya a nice hot shower when we're back on board." Lister helped him stand.

"I- er.. thank you."

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister and Rimmer stood in the bathroom of their quarters when the door swung open.

"Hey bud.." Cat held a bottle of something under his arm.

"Yeah?" Lister furrowed his brow as the cat placed the item onto the bathroom worktop.

"What's that?" Rimmer nodded at the bottle.

"Just somethin' I thought you'd like…" He looked down, slightly embarrassed before disappearing.

Lister walked over and picked it up, "Ooh fancy."

"What? What is it?" Rimmer winced, touching his arm.

"Shampoo and it looks smegging expensive." He opened the cap and sniffed it, "Smells like coconuts." 

"Nice to know." Rimmer pursed his lips.

"Sit down."

"Huh?" He looked over in confusion. 

"Come 'ere and sit down." He pointed at the stool he'd previously brought in.

"Why?" 

"Don't question it, guy, just sit down."

"Do I trust you enough…?" He teased a little before coming over and slowly lowering himself down, wincing at the pain in his sides.

Lister grabbed the plastic cup Rimmer had been drinking from and poured it into the sink before refilling it. He then proceeded to tip it over his head.

"Lister!" He yelped out as the cool water trickled down his neck.

"Relax." His bunkmate murmured, opening the bottle and squirting a load into his left hand.

"Please tell me what you plan on doing." He sighed.

Lister grinned and gently slid his hands into the sticky, curly mess. Massaging the shampoo into his bunkmate's hair.

"I- erm- thank you?" Rimmer squeaked.

"Yer welcome."

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister sat in the bunkroom reading when the bathroom door reopened.

"You okay?" He smiled.

"Er yeah." Rimmer nodded, pulling his dressing gown over his shoulders and wrapping it around himself.

"Let's go to a different quarter tonight, eh?" 

"Hm?" 

"Come on." He softly replied, standing by the hologram's side and guiding him out of the room.

"Where are we going?" Rimmer blinked slowly.

"Captain's quarters." Lister grinned.

"Why?"

"There's a double bed there." 

"And?"

"You could do with an 8-10 hour hug."

"What are you-- ohhh." The hologram nodded.

"Yup." Lister pressed a kiss against his cheek.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer nested his head under Lister's chin, he nuzzled his face into the other man's chest.

"You alright?" Lister quietly spoke.

"Mhm."

"Alright, g'night smeghead." 

"Hmph. Goodnight, gimboid." Rimmer smiled.


	40. Let's do it again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little but of fluff :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting two mini fics today, I've got a bit of writers block so I apologise for anyone I said I'd write for. (1/2)
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer confidently strode into the bunkroom, "Ah, Lister." He grinned.

"Hm?" His bunkmate looked up from his comic.

"I came to ask you if you've seen Kryten's third favourite mop… I know it seems stupid but he insists he needs it." 

A grin spread across Lister's face, "are ya playing messenger boy?" 

"Excuse me?" Rimmer frowned.

"Never thought I'd live to see the day where you deliver messages for Kryten." He lifted his boots off of the table and stood up, "Are you feeling well?"

"Oh shut up, Lister." Rimmer snarled at him.

"You might have a holofever." Lister poked his tongue out.

"Smeg off." He huffed and moved away, sitting down on his bed. 

Lister followed behind him and pressed the back of his hand against his forehead, "meh, you're temperature seems fine."

"Lister!" 

"Alright alright, I'll stop." He rolled his eyes and sat down beside him.

"What are you doing?" Rimmer's brow furrowed.

"I'm sittin' down."

"Sit somewhere else! Not my bunk." He folded his arms.

"I love it when you get all stroppy." Lister teased, tickling under his chin.

Rimmer swatted him away, "What's wrong with you? Have you actually lost all sanity?"

"Nope. You're just selling yourself." He grinned.

"Selling- Lister what are you on about?" He looked at him in disgust.

Lister brought the back of his hand to his forehead, "Oh Listy! Please!" He recited.

Rimmer went bright red, "I- I don't know what you're talking about."

"Ohhhhh Lissstyyy~~" Lister leant in and purred.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Rimmer screamed at him, "I only came to ask you about a smegging mop!" 

A gave a lopsided smile, "You really are adorable when you're angry at me." 

"Lister, stop pushing your luck." He growled.

Lister rolled his eyes and put his arm around the hologram's waist, "You were sleep talkin'."

Rimmer winced.

"So… I went to the Projection Suite."

"Oh for smegs sake."

"You dream very… erotic dreams about me, Rimmer."

The hologram went bright red, "I do not! I do not do such a thing! Not at all, mi'laddo." 

Lister laughed, "'been a long time since ya called me that. And anyway, it's all on there, all of yer dreams." 

"Shut up!" 

He grinned and leant back in, "Didn't know ya felt that way." 

"Lister, I'm warning you--"

He brought his free hand up to Rimmer's chin, turning his head until they were facing each other properly.

"You're smegging sexy when you're pissed off at me." 

"Lister--" He was cut off by lips on his own. 

The hologram melted into the kiss, cupping the back of his bunkmate's head, keeping them pressed together.

Lister held onto the sides of Rimmer's face, holding him close as they kissed.

They broke apart, heavily breathing.

"That was better than the smegging dream." Rimmer gasped.

"Ditto." Lister grinned at him, "I can't believe it's taken us that long to do it."

"Shut up, gimboid, and let's do it again."


	41. Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months after meeting Legion, Rimmer comes in to the bunkroom to talk with Lister about something...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, so this is the second mini fic. Is anyone going to be watching "The First Three Million Years" on Dave? I'm looking forward to it, I know, but what about y'all? (2/2)
> 
> Anyways, Enjoy!

"Liisstteerrr…" Rimmer slid into the bunkroom.

Lister stopped chewing his sleeve and looked over at the suspiciously smug hologram, "Yeah?"

"Well.. You know I've just become a hardlight hologram…" He pursed his lips.

"That was nearly six months ago--"

"It was six months ago, goit." Rimmer rolled his eyes.

"Okay, yer point being?" 

"I erm… I want to thank you… and apologise for being a smeghead." He scowled.

A grin spread across Lister's face, "Yer welcome, smeghead." 

"Erm- er." Rimmer awkwardly hugged him. 

When they broke apart Lister stared at the blushing hologram, "Are ya feeling well?"

"I don't know. I think I might have a fever coming on." Rimmer gently touched just below his H.

Lister stood up and began to inspect him. "You look fine enough to me." He shrugged.

"I feel fine…" he grumbled, "Well anyway, best be going. TTFN." He quickly made his way towards the door.

"Lock."

He spun around, "Er Lister."

His devilish grin expanded. Lister paced over, "Ya hugged me." 

"Yes. I know. I didn't forget, you gimboid." 

"Well… you didn't hug me just to apologise and to thank me, did ya?" 

"What are you on about?" Rimmer laughed it off.

Lister put out his hand, "Go on."

"Lister, what am i meant to do with your hand?" He raised an eyebrow.

"You've barely touched me since we met Legion. You've tried to avoid touching me."

"No I haven't!"

"Yer scared that you'll lose the ability to and you'll get touch starved." He prised.

"You- you're wrong." 

"Am I, Rimmer?" Lister raised an eyebrow.

"Yeees…" He nervously coughed.

"Well go on. Here's me hand."

"I don't need it…"

"Oh come on." 

The hologram took a deep breath and hesitantly linked their fingers together. He gently moved his other hand under Lister's, gingerly resting his (Lister's) hand on his palm. 

"You okay?" He smiled at the emotionless hologram.

No reply. Rimmer unlinked his fingers and began to trace circles around on the back of his hand.

Lister let out a gasp.

Rimmer looked up, falling out of the trance.

"Hey, ignore me man. It tickles, carry on."

His bunkmate slowly nodded and moved this touch onto Lister's arm. He touched his leather jacket, running his fingers over the seams. He took a step forward, now using both hands to touch Lister's torso.

He smiled up at Rimmer, staring into his curious eyes.

Rimmer moved his hand onto his neck, his fingertips ever so carefully tracing up. 

Lister shuddered.

"Sorry." 

"It's fine, carry on man."

The hologram cupped his right jaw, stroking his cheek with his thumb in awe.

"Hey, you wanna try another sensation? I completely understand if ya don't--"

"Yes, sure." He stared blankly into his eyes.

Lister mustered all of the courage he had and stepped forward, closing the gap between them, sealing it with a kiss. It was sugary and soft. Lister was surprised about how gentle Rimmer's lips were, smooth and adequate. He brought his right hand up and began to play with his silky locks.

They slowly parted and Rimmer searched Lister's eyes, "I- erm- Thank you." 

"Isso okay." He whispered.

The gap between them disappeared again. This time, the kiss was more heated and desperate. The pair began to grab at each other, feeling their uniform under their fingertips. Rimmer cupped Lister's face, holding it in place as he snogged him senseless.

"My god… you're angelic." Lister breathed heavily against his lips.

"Thank you." Rimmer shut him up with another kiss. He began to unbutton his uniform top and took Lister's hand, gently pressing his bunkmate's palm against his chest.

Lister flexed his finger's over the simulated skin, it felt extremely real. Then he felt it. A slight vibration. 

"Is that..?" 

"It beats for you, Listy." Rimmer cheesily put it.

"You're so corny." He laughed.

"Touché."Rimmer raised an eyebrow in recognition.

He gripped onto Lister's hand.

"Baby-steps." Lister looked into his eyes.

"Hm?"

"We'll do this slowly, take baby steps, okay?" 

Rimmer smiled down at him, kissing him gently again, "okay….

… you soppy git."


	42. A small cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister finds a moon with a breathable atmosphere and takes Rimmer out for the day. Unfortunately for the pair, things never seemed to go as planned.
> 
> I can't remember if this needs a **TRIGGER WARNING**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I absolutely hate posting Mini Fics because I always feel like they aren't enough lol.
> 
> I hope everyone is still enjoying the series, I apologise about the endings being pretty similar - I can't bring myself to leave an angsty ending. 
> 
> I'm bored out of my mind as well so do have another fic, comments make my day so much better.
> 
> Enjoy!

"Anyone seen Rimmerrr?" Lister groaned as he popped his head into the laundry room.

Kryten was ironing a few sheets.

"Have ya seen Rimmer?" Lister asked.

The mechanoid thought for a second before shaking his head, "No sir. Can't say I have."

Lister groaned again and kept walking until he found a screen.

"Hollllll?" He droned.

"What's up dude?" He appeared.

"Where's Rimmerrrr?" He asked, rather unenthusiastically.

"Well I could tell you…" Holly began.

"Just smeggin' tell me." Lister snapped.

"Caw, why've you got your knickers in a twist, eh? He's in the gym." Holly disappeared.

"Thank you." He made his way towards the gym.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister walked into the gym to see a panting Rimmer on a treadmill.

"Erm Rimmer." He looked away from the shirtless man.

"Ah, Listy!" He smiled, the machine slowing down.

Lister had seen his bunkmate shirtless before, many times. Why was this so different?

The hologram picked up a towel from the bench beside him and wiped the simulated sweat from his face, neck and chest. He grabbed his drinking bottle and chugged down half of it.

"Erm. Don't suppose you wanna check out this moon with me?" He nervously looked away.

"Sure. Why not. Just let me shower." He walked past Lister, into the shower room.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer stretched his arm, "Holly! Give me my uniform." He straightened himself up. The room was humid and steamy.

"Can't you do it yourself? You are a hardlight." Holly stared at him with annoyance.

"I know I can, but I don't want to." He rolled his eyes.

"Alright, Arnold." He sighed.

Instead of his usual blue uniform, Rimmer's green uniform appeared.

"Holly, what's this?" He raised an eyebrow.

"It's your old uniform, Arnold. I thought Dave would like to stare at you some more with it on."

Lister choked and put his hand over his mouth, coughing.

"Erm what?" Rimmer smoothed his uniform with his fingers, "Alright Holly, fine." He moved his hand to his curls and scrunched them up a little.

"Should we go..?" Lister wiped a tear from his eyes as he regained the ability to breathe again.

"Er yeah. Let's go." Rimmer touched his H.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister sat in the cockpit of Starbug staring at the makeshift rear view mirror. He was angry at himself for feeling like this. Why was he checking Rimmer out? Hold on. No. This wasn't right.

The hologram stood up sending a slight wave of panic over Lister. He made his way over to Cat's usual seat and sat himself down.

"So then, what are we looking for. On this planet I mean." Rimmer fiddled with his curls, gelled tightly to the left side of his head.

"Eh nothing in particular. Just lookin' around." Lister smiled, keeping it cool.

"Just the two of us?" 

Lister coughed, "'xcuse me?" 

"No one else is going to join us?" His brow furrowed.

"Nah. Cat was more interested in his lunch and Kryten had laundry to iron." Lister tsked.

Rimmer grunted in acknowledgement.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister opened the door and threw himself out into the soft grass below. Rimmer followed behind, hesitantly.

"Look at this!" Lister squealed as he rolled in the grass.

Rimmer wasn't as enthusiastic. He was more fussed over the paper-cut he'd managed to get from his book.

"Come on man! Lighten up! Come roll with me!" Lister laughed.

Rimmer blushed, "No way, you mindless gimboid! I might get my uniform dirty." 

"Oh come on!" He complained back.

"No. I am not rolling in the smegging grass like a ten year old primary schooler who's been told it's a field day." He snapped, hands on hips.

"I said we were gonna explore here, man! Loosen up." Lister shouted back.

"Lister, I'm getting a bad feeling from this." Rimmer tried to explain himself.

"Oh smeg off!" Lister stormed one way, Rimmer went the other.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister lay in the grass field, he sighed, inhaling the clean air. He wanted to stay here. 

He reached out, brushing his fingers over the soft gras, letting it tickle the underside of his arm and palms.

Rimmer. He's gone back to being his usual smeghead self, Lister thought. He was obviously just trying to ruin the mood. 

He sighed, closing his eyes as the sun beamed down on him. 

There was only one problem. He couldn't stop thinking about his bunkmate. Not just nice things, in particular, he just was thinking about everything he knew about him. The way he shouted and screamed, the way he played with his own hair, the way he couldn't sleep at night and would sit at the table immersed in deep thought.

Then his mind began to wander. Lister thought about the times he walked in on him in the shower. Soapy fluffy hair. His sharp jawline just above his long neck. His lean body being hit with droplets like rain. The way his muscles curved on his arms. The way his legs were exceptionally muscular. The way his di--- NO. God no. What was that about? Why the hell did that cross his mind?

Lister let out a groan and lay down flat on his back.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer stormed through the oaktrees. He was furious. Lister had the audacity to try and get him to roll around like a child? Unbelievable! 

The voice inside his head was laughing at him. Telling he should've stayed with his bunkmate in case he got hurt. 

He shook his head and dismissed the thought. He sat down beside a pond with a stream leading out of it under the shade of a tree and sighed. A single tear rolled down his cheek. He looked down at his cut finger and dipped it into the cool water, the simulated blood slowly dispersing into it. The single tear turned into a series of tears. He began to sob.

Something still didn't feel right. He couldn't pinpoint what, exactly. Just something. He reached up to his curls and began to fiddle with the loose ones on the top of his head. 

Rimmer's eyes began to feel heavy and he closed them. He lay down in the shade and fell asleep.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister heard footsteps. Almost like marching. He opened his eyes to see a man staring down at him. What the smeg?

He sat up with alarm and stared at the man, "Hi?" 

"Hello." A firm, emotionless answer. Something about this man was vaguely familiar, like he'd seen him before.

"Can I help you?" Lister nervously scratched his neck.

"Yes, I think you can." He snapped. His eyes were an excruciating pale blue. 

Lister nodded and scrambled to his feet, "Okay, what can I do for ya?" He smiled.

The man rolled his eyes, "There is someone who intrudes into this planet. You have to kill them." 

"Er I don't particularly go around killing people." Lister laughed awkwardly.

"Yes but he deserves death for the crimes he has committed." The man sounded like he was trying to plead.

"Okay okay, just let me get my bazookoid. Then take me to him." He began to walk towards Starbug.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister chatted to the man the whole way down. He was surprisingly reasonable. He explained that this man was humanity's greatest mistake and that he was a disgusting being that had no right to exist. 

They walked through the grass field and into a woodland, the path was riddled with massive tree roots. They walked until they came to a clearing. 

"There. There he is." The man pointed at a curled up ball on the floor.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer jolted awake by the sound of voices. He was confused when he saw Lister with a bazookoid pointed at him.

"Listy?" He croaked, rubbing his eye.

"Don't listen to the bastard! Every word he says is putrid." 

Smeg. Rimmer turned his head and saw him. His hands flew over his mouth and stifled the blood curdling scream which came out. Tears poured out of his eyes and he tried to shuffle away.

"Rimmer man, what's going on?" Lister asked, worry in his voice.

"Reply to him you fairy. Get up and talk to him." The man ordered. Rimmer scrambled to his feet and stood at attention.

Lister gasped when he saw the man punch Rimmer in the stomach. He watched his bunkmate pain. 

"Hey! What was that for?" Lister slid the bazookoid over his shoulder.

"SCUM!" The man screamed at him, "You're the biggest disappointment!" He punched him again. "Why couldn't you be like the others? Why did you have to be bent?!" He screamed. 

Rimmer burst out into tears, violently shaking and hyperventilating.

"Rimmer, talk to me man, what's going on?" Lister stepped forward and crouched down in front of him so he could look into his eyes. 

"Disgusting. You're disgusting. When they were fourteen they had beautiful girlfriends. When you were fourteen you were snogging boys behind the garden shed at Io House!" The man grabbed him by his hair and pulled his face up until it was level with his own.

"Hey hey hey! Don't do that!" Lister quickly stood back up but couldn't do anything in case of hurting Rimmer anymore than before.

"No one wants a (insert f word here) for a son." The man hissed.

Lister felt the air in his lungs disappear. 'Son'. This was Rimmer's father. 

"Get the smeg away from him!" Lister took Rimmer into his arms and pulled him close.

"How dare you shield that piece of scum from his true punishment? He has sinned and must be beat." Rimmer sr swiped at Rimmer.

"No!" Lister yanked him away. The frail hologram crying in his arms.

"Lister. Please. Just let him do what he wants." Rimmer tried to pull him away.

"No man. I'm not letting him hurt you." He gently let go and slid the bazookoid off of his shoulder.

"You're just as bad as he is. You'll burn in hell for eternity!" Rimmer sr screamed.

Lister fired. Instead of bleeding out, he burst into water and fell back into the pond.

Rimmer sat shaking, the panic attack taking full control.

His bunkmate threw himself down beside him and cradled him in his arms, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He kept murmuring.

"It's- It's fine- thank you." His voice broke, "Thank you." Rimmer gripped him tightly and hugged him back.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer paced the bunkroom, nervously chewing his thumb.

"Hey man, you need to calm down." Lister spoke softly.

"Calm down?! I'm perfectly calm!" He spun around and snapped.

"No yer not!" Lister reached out and brushed his finger tips against his pyjama shirt.

Rimmer turned away and exhaled sharply.

"It's okay, man."

"It's not okay, Lister. You saw me… weak. What if the others found out?!" His voice shook a little.

"They won't find out. I promise they won't." He shuffled a little closer.

"That still doesn't change you from seeing me weak.. it must've been disgusting for you." He laughed.

"No no no. Rimmer you went through some smeg, it's perfectly normal for you to behave like that."

"It's not." He whimpered.

"It is!" Lister found himself hugging him, "it's not disgusting." 

"I'm- You shouldn't be doing this- I'm your senior technician." He sniffled.

"You're more than that, man. You're my best friend- I care about you."

"I wanted to be strong.. for you. God I always try so hard." Rimmer cupped the back of Lister's head and held him close.

"Oh Rimmer… yer one of the strongest people I know." He smiled.

"Thank- Thank you." He took a deep breath and exhaled, "Thank you."

"It's okay, it's okay man." He smoothed his back.

"Thank you." He whimpered.

"It's okay, let's sleep it off." 

"Listy…" Rimmer nervously coughed.

"Yeah?" Lister looked up at him.

"I know I'll probably blame this on a moment of weakness but.. can you stay with me..?" He blushed.

"Of course!" The pair slid into Rimmer's bunk. The hologram nuzzled his head into Lister's shoulder as he was cradled.

"Night, Listy." 

"Night, Rimmer." He pressed a kiss against his forehead.


	43. My Hero (pt.1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set just post season IIIX. 
> 
> Lister wakes up aboard a derelict in a pretty sticky situation.
> 
> **A LITTLE BIT OF VIOLENCE IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT SORTA THING**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmmmmm do y'all smell that...? It's... it's... it's a "Rimsy comes home from being Ace" fic.... mMmmmMm. 
> 
> I usually post my fics in chronological order from when I wrote them (with the exception from the Uncle Frank fic which was fairly recent) this fic I wrote maybe a week ago and the only reason I'm posting it out of order is because all of a sudden everyone is posting Ace fics and well why not do the same? 
> 
> Anyways, as usual, I can't say it'll be good because as you know, my writing is pretty iffy (apologies for anyone who's been reading since the begining, love y'all very much) 
> 
> Enjoy!

Smeg.

Immense smegging pain.

Lister glanced around the spinning room, blinking slowly as he tried to lose the blurriness. 

His head throbbed and his wrists were sore. He glanced down at the shackles and his memory came flooding back to him.

\-------------------------------------------------

The day had started like any other day, him waking up at half 11, eating breakfast and slouching around.

It was all fine until they came across a derelict.

Kochanski had decided it would be a fantastic idea to go aboard and scavenge. 

Of course, everyone agreed. Even Nano Rimmer, who had been whining about health and safety regulations for the past month since they'd got the Dwarf back.

So, they'd gone on board and automatically, he paired up with Rimmer. Sure, he wasn't 'his' Rimmer, the one who he'd come to call his friend (even if he'd never admit it) but this one would do.

After Kryten had explained that this ship had been used for trading goods, they set off looking for things to take back with them.

The pair aimlessly wandered through the ship, glancing in and out of rooms.

"This is a smegging waste of good revision time!" Rimmer huffed.

Lister winced, remembering what his bunkmate used to be like, "Just… be quiet, smeghead."

Nano Rimmer narrowed his eyes, "Don't you dare call me a smeghead, mi'laddo." 

The scouser sighed and slunked off. He was too tired to deal with this smeg. 

Half an hour or so went by until they found what appeared to be the drive room.

"Oh eh. This is cool." Lister glanced down at the control panel. The room was brightly lit and white walls covered every surface.

Rimmer slowly walked around the room before spinning his head very quickly to look at something behind Lister.

That's all the scouser could remember. Everything went black. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister groaned in pain as he regained consciousness once again. It had been two days since that happened.

The sound of footsteps filled the air and a droid stood in front of him, "Scum."

He lifted his head and looked up to see the distorted of what was a simulant.

"Nice… to know." He winced.

The simulant kicked him violently in the stomach, making him cry out and hunch over, tears dripping off of the bridge of his nose.

Lister lifted his head back up, gasping for air as the red glow emitting through the walls stung his eyes.

He hadn't eaten in 48 hours… which was the equivalent to about 5 days for him.

"What do you want from me?" He whimpered.

"Humans are scum. I am going to kill you."

"Good… to know." Lister glanced down at his shackled wrists and then over at the control panel.

The simulant produced a blade.

The scouser's eyes lit up with fear as the blurriness began to set in once again.

"What're ya doing, man?" He squeaked.

His captor gripped onto his chin, holding it in place as he slit his cheek.

Lister sobbed in agony as he watched blood drip onto the floor below. This wasn't fair. He never asked to be the last human alive.

Footsteps marched away and the door slammed shut. Lister glanced up at the control panel, there had to be a SOS button somewhere.

He was in so much pain, his wrists and torso ached, his cheek was pouring blood out and he was practically starved.

The adrenaline kicked in.

Lister crawled over, his wrists still bound.

He couldn't do it. Too much pain.

"Oh for smegs sake! Just do it!" The voice rang in his ears. Rimmer. Not the smegging Nano. His Rimmer. His Rimmer whining about him not tidying the bunkroom. Sure, he didn't like Rimmer as of such… he just had gotten so used to him that he felt lost without him.

Lister glanced around the room, as if he hadn't heard the voice in his head.

He staggered to his feet and looked down on the panel, he only had a few more cm before his chain would no longer be able to reach.

Here goes nothing.

Despite the ship being abandoned and derelict, when Lister turned the panel on, it shot to life.

A list of options came up and he saw it. Relief washed over him and he pressed the SOS call.

"Guys. It's me. Come and get me please. I don't know how much longer I can last… Be careful… there… is a simulant…" Lister hadn't taken acknowledgement that he was losing lots of blood until his vision began to blur and he began to sway.

The scouser collapsed backwards.

\-------------------------------------------------

When Lister regained consciousness, he instantly felt the sharp pain in his wrists. Just above his shackles, his captor had slit his arms.

The scouser looked up at the droid, "Wh- why?" 

"Scum. You are filth. No one wants you." It grinned.

"That's not true. My friends… my friends will come and save me." He slurred.

"Your friends left three days ago. They're not coming back." 

There was a heavy silence.

"Yer lying…"

"No. They left. They are far off of the radar now." The simulant began to cackle.

Tears flooded down Lister's cheeks. He wanted to die. His best friends had left him to rot with a…

"Deranged droid!" Rimmer's voice echoed through his head, making him cry harder. 

"That isn't true! They would never leave…" Everything went black once more.

"You are worthless."

The sound of something heavy and metal being smashed rattled through Lister's subconscious. He groaned in pain as the dim red light filled his vision once again. He moved his head a little, realising he could no longer feel his body.

Once again, Lister passed out.

\-------------------------------------------------

The room was a mess. Everything had been smashed and the torn corpse of the simulant lay a few feet away.

Lister began to panic, whatever had destroyed the droid would kill him too. 

"Sh… sh… calm down." A reassuring but distant voice spoke out from just above him.

The scouser's eyes were too unfocused to see who was in front of him and the ringing in his ears drowned out all hope of recognition.

Suddenly the pain in his wrists eased a little. Lister looked down at his lower arms and realised his shackles had been removed.

A pair of warm arms wrapped themself around him and he felt soft lips kiss his damp forehead… then everything went black once again.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister jolted awake. The bright light of the medi-bay instantly blinded him, making him whimper.

"STOP IT! OW OW OW YOU'RE HURTING ME." The familiar nasal tone screeched from somewhere beside him.

Listee blinked away the blurriness and looked over to see Nano Rimmer having his arm checked. It was in a sling.

"You're awake." Kochanski appeared by his side, "Careful. You're still partially sedated."

"Kris?" He smiled sleepily, "You saved me."

Her expression darkened, "No I didn't." 

"Wha?" Lister furrowed his brow.

She thickly swallowed and stepped back, "You need to stay calm, okay?"

"Calm? I'm not smegging calm right now! I've been held prisoner, tortured and left behind!" 

"Dave, don't say it like that." She whined.

"SMEG YOU YOU STUPID BOG BOT!" Rimmer cried out.

Lister winced and bowed his head.

"We didn't mean to leave you behind. Rimmer told us you'd been flushed out into space."

Anger boiled in Lister's stomach when something in the corner of his eye caught his attention.

Footsteps.

Someone stood beside Kochanski.

He lifted his head.

Smeg.

Ace stared down at him.

Smeg.

It was *his* Rimmer.

Smeg.

He could read those eyes anywhere.

"You alright, spanners? How are ya feeling?" 

Lister shook his head sadly, "Stop being Ace."

He frowned.

"Please…"

"What are you on about, Dave?" Kochanski raised an eyebrow and scoffed.

Ace furrowed his brow.

"For smegs sake- please."

"Sorry, Spanners, no idea what you're on about."

Lister bowed his head and sniffled, "Sorry… must've got the wrong person." He glanced back up.

Ace reached up and yanked off his wig, revealing his mop of soft curls.

Tears began to stream down Lister's face.

"What the smeg?" Kochanski pulled a face and backed away.

"Listy-" Rimmer whimpered and rushed to his side, flinging his arms around him.

The scouser burst into shaky sobs as he lifted his bandaged arms around his ex bunkmate's neck.

"Don't cry. Don't cry." Rimmer whispered into his ear, smoothing his back.

"I don't understand." Kochanski spoke from behind them, but they ignored her.

"Oh my poor gimboid." Rimmer cupped his cheek.

"Ya… saved me?" 

He nodded.

"Rimsy-" he burst into tears once again.

"Sh sh sh! Don't cry." 

"Ya came back and saved me-" 

"I know, Listy. Just take deep breaths." 

He expected it to be different. Lister had thought Ace- Rimmer would've scoffed it off or even… no… that had been his worst fear. Ace coming back but it being a different Rimmer.

He cried harder, he told himself in normal circumstances he would've just carried on, treated Rimmer like Rimmer but right now, this man was the only thing that mattered to him.

"I've got you, Listy. I've got you." Rimmer pressed a kiss to his temple.

"What the smeg?!" Nano Rimmer screeched.

The hologram pressed his forehead against his ex bunkmate's as his H re appeared into reality.

"Oh no! Goal Post Head?" Someone cried from the doorway.

The pair gripped onto each other tighter. They needed each other more than anything.

Lister buried his head into the soft shiny satin of Rimmer's Ace uniform.


	44. My Hero (pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second Part of Rimmer's return after being Ace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been so busy, I nearly forgot to post! 
> 
> Enjoy!

Lister lay in the bottom bunk, watching as Rimmer sat on the table, telling him about his adventures.

Something about the hologram had changed, but he couldn't pinpoint what. 

"So then…" Lister cut him off whilst he was talking about saving a group of Freelance Agents.

"Hm?"

"How come yer back?"

Rimmer bit his lip, "It's hard to explain."

"I have all day, y'know." He rested his head on the hologram's pillow, smelling the fading scent of aftershave.

His ex bunkmate abruptly stood up and marched over.

"Move over, gimboid."

"Sorry?" Lister blinked.

Rimmer carefully took Lister into his arms and sat down beside him.

"Well… I was going through different dimensions, as you can imagine and I came across a version of us which were… an item." He nervously coughed, "In that universe I had come back early from being Ace and well…" 

Lister paused, he knew this story far too well, "Oh… right." 

His own erotic smegging dreams…

"Well… it made me realise that being Ace isn't what I want.." The hologram blushed and glanced away.

Lister took a moment to appreciate his innocence. Rimmer was usually a total smeghead but since he'd been back? He'd been nice.

The hologram turned back to face him, "What I'm trying to say is… I value you more than being Ace." 

There was obviously a 'but' coming but Lister didn't want to pressurise. 

"Awww really?" He smiled.

"Yes. Don't fuss over it, gimboid." Rimmer bit his lips shut and stared at the floor.

"Thank you." The scouser smiled.

"Sorry?"

"For being back… for saving me." 

Rimmer let out a noncommittal grunt, "I don't have a choice… but I'll be leaving soon."

Lister felt an intense pain shoot through his body, "What?!" 

"The universe needs an Ace." He sighed.

"No. No ya can't go- ya can't."

The hologram raised an eyebrow.

"Ya can't just say all that and then be on yer way!" 

"But Lister--"

"For smegs sake, man! I love ya! I don't want you to smegging leave!" 

There was a moment of silence where the pair just stared into each other's eyes.

Rimmer bit his lip as tears filled his eyes, "I don't want to leave you." 

Lister fell deeper into his arms, bawling.

"This isn't fair! This isn't fair!" He sobbed.

"I know- I know it isn't."

The bunkroom doors slid open and Nano Rimmer marched in, "Am I interrupting something?" 

Lister pulled away and bowed his head in shame.

"What do you want?" Rimmer sneered.

"Kochanski has an idea on how to get herself off of this space flotsam."

"Good to know." He rolled his eyes.

"It involves you taking her back to her dimension." 

There was a long silence. A very, long silence.

"No." Lister finally spoke.

"Sorry?" Nano Rimmer blinked at him.

"There's no way in this smegging universe I'm losing Rimmer all over again." 

The nano groaned, "I'm Rimmer! Look!" 

"Yer not MY Rimmer though, are ya? Yer not really my Rimmer. Yer just a copy of him before he died."

The original Rimmer's eyes widened each time Lister called him his.

"Your Rimmer?" 

"Yes. I'm his Rimmer." The original butted in, getting to his feet, "And he's my Lister. Now listen here, mi'laddo, if you don't watch it, I'll break your other smegging arm."

The nano gulped, looking down at his slung arm, "Of course…" he quickly walked away.

"Ya broke his arm?" 

Rimmer slowly closed his eyes in irritation, "He left you to die."

"Touché."

"I snapped his arm in half."

"I- sorry, ya what?" The scouser frowned.

"I just… grabbed it…" He reached out and demonstrated on the air.

Lister shuddered.

"I didn't mean to… swear to god… I was just so angry… He should've protected you." 

"Hey, it's okay Arn." Within seconds he had his arms around the hologram.

Rimmer melted into the hug and sighed.

"I should've been there to stop it…"

"Awh don't give me that, smeghead. How were you supposed to know what was going on in a completely different dimension? Hm?" He kissed his chin.

Rimmer glanced down at him, "I can't help but feel partially guilty, Listy."

"He isn't you, you wouldn't have left me." Lister doubted it a little in his mind, considering how cowardly his bunkmate used to be.

"I guess." He sighed again, pulling Lister into a tighter hug. "I don't want to go… I don't want to leave you or leave this.." 

"If you go… take me with you." Lister gulped.

"Are you insane?! There's no way I am letting you see what I've seen."

"Rimmer, for smegs sake, if it's the only way--"

"Listy I love you too much to lose you!" He sobbed, holding him tightly but careful not to hurt his arms.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer slipped out of Lister's arms as he slid off of the bed. Tears welled in his eyes as he opened the drawer, pulling out the note he wrote for the only person in the smegging multiverse who loved him for who he was. The hologram stared into the mirror and watched his Ace facade shimmer into reality, he picked the wig off of the table and aligned it nicely onto his head.

As he reached the door he glanced back a final time at his sleeping partner and rushed over, pressing a kiss onto his lips before pulling away, in tears.

\-------------------------------------------------

As he got into the landing bay, he crouched down, sobbing.

Why? Why did it have to be this way.

"Ace…" Kochanski spoke softly.

He shook his head, "It took me eighteen months to come home and I'm smegging leaving again!"

She sighed, sadly, "Come on, we best leave."

"Wait!" Someone called from behind.

Rimmer spun around slowly to see the Nano version of himself legging it towards them.

"What do you want?" 

"I… I have an idea." He panted.

"Yes?" Kochanski frowned.

"Why don't I go and be Ace?" The Nano gulped.

"Sorry?" Rimmer blinked.

"You want to stay, correct?" 

"Yes…?"

"Well if we switched places… I could get away from here and you could stay."

There was a long silence where Rimmer stared at his resurrected self before reaching up and pulling off the wig. He held it out to Nano Rimmer.

"Take it… but your arm." He furrowed his brow.

"I don't care. I just don't want to be left with that depressed gimboid."

Rimmer wrinkled his nose, "As soon as you get onto the wildfire, scan your hand. Everything will make sense then and also, there's a wardrobe… your clothes will be in there."

The Nano nodded.

Kochanski gawped at them, "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Of course." Rimmer smiled sweetly.

\-------------------------------------------------

The whole ship was silent as the sound of The Wildfire flying away hung in the air.

"RIMMER!" 

The hologram spun around to see Lister running at him, waving the note.

"Listy!" He ran forward to meet him, taking him into his arms.

"Rimsy!" He sobbed out.

The pair gripped onto each other tightly before pulling away abruptly.

"Don't ever leave us again!" He wailed.

"I won't! I promise!"

They stared into each other's eyes.

"Oh Listy…"

"Oh Rimsy…"

The dived forward, smashing their lips together with an insane amount of love and lust.

Lister brought his hands up to Rimmer's curls, tangling them in his fingers but still careful not to hurt his arms. He didn't mean for it to happen like his dream script… oh well.

The hologram pressed his body into his lover, savouring the feeling of the man he loved.

"Oh that's nasty!" Cat screeched from somewhere behind them.

The duo pulled apart and span around to see Cat in hair curlers, coming down the steps of Starbug.

"The smeg?!" Rimmer panted.

"I was woken up by this strange sound and I came out here to see you monkeys sucking each other's faces!" He cringed, "Go get a room!"

Lister looked up at Rimmer's flushed face and took his hand, "Yeah, let's go get a room, eh?"

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer kissed his sleeping lover's lips, pulling him in closer. This was perfect.

He thought to himself, how the smeg would Rimmer who'd just been brought back as a hologram feel if he saw this right now? A smile drifted across his lips.

"Go to sleep, smeghead." Lister groaned, nuzzling into him.

Rimmer sighed and softly laughed, "Gimboid."


	45. Snuggles in a pillowy blanket fort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer comes back to the bunkroom to find it turned into a... pillowy blanket fort?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyoneeee! 
> 
> 1) My immaturity is bubbling right now because we've made it to 69 kudos ;) 
> 
> 2) I just want to say a huge thanks to everyone who's stuck with me since the begining and everyone who's joined along the way, you guys really make my day :) I have lots more fics to come, so I hope you'll enjoy them! 
> 
> Anyway, Enjoy!

Rimmer entered the bunk room to find all of the chairs in a square formation, covered in a blanket.

"Er what's going on?" He cautiously made his way over.

"Rimmer?" Someone nervously replied from below.

"Ee-yyyyesss?" 

"Oh okay… ermm… Well this is awkward innit?" Lister poked his head out from one of the sides.

"What are you doing…?" Rimmer crouched down.

"Pillow fort… why…?" Lister grinned.

"A pillow fort…? Lister aren't you 29?" 

"Yes I am."

"Then why the smeg have you made a pillow fort?!" 

"Felt like it." He shrugged.

The hologram pinched the bridge of his nose, "Did you take the blanket from the Captain's Quarters?"

"Yes.."

"Alright. Just put it back later." He slid past and sat down on his own bunk.

"Wanna come in?"

"No! Of course I don't, gimboid." He gently removed his pyjamas from under his pillow.

"Aww come on! It's nice and soft in here!"

"Lister, unlike you, I am a civilised man. I am not a man baby." He rolled his eyes before pulling his shirt over his head.

There was a brief silence whilst Rimmer began to undress.

Lister stared at his lean body, "You look alive."

"Excuse me?"

"Ya know. With ya simulated skin and all that, you genuinely look alive." 

"If you're trying to coax me-"

"No no no. I'm just being nice."

"Nice? To me? Are you okay?" Rimmer frowned, slipping his arms into a navy blue t-shirt. He picked up the pyjama bottoms and slung them over his arm, "Will be back." He made his way to the bathroom.

Lister slid back under the canopy and into the mess of pillows, he took a deep breath and sighed.

A few minutes later the door slides back open, followed by his bunkmate's footsteps. "Oi Rimmer, you sure ya don't want to come in?"

The hologram rolls his eyes and gets into bed, he glances over at Lister, "I'm not coming in."

"You suuureee?"

"Lister, I think I would know."

"But it'll get cold!" Lister pouted.

"You'll- Gimboid, go back to your own bed."

"Smeg you.." he grumbled crawling back under.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer couldn't sleep. He had managed to get to sleep before being reminded of the time his brother Howard tried to asphyxiate him with a cushion. He shuddered. 

Lister groaned from under the canopy again. He too must've been having a nightmare of some sort. 

The hologram fiddled with his curls, gently massaging his own head. Tears pricked at his eyes as he thought about all the times he tried to play with his brothers, only to be told "there is no place for poofs in this family" by Frank. He still hadn't got over all the homophobic slurs he was called back on Io. It wasn't his fault he was gay! He was… gay? No.. surely not… I mean… all of the women…? Masculine features… smeg no. Shit he was smegging gay! There! He admitted it. 

Rimmer began to breathe heavily, panic attack alert. He sat up and tried to take deep breaths. Lister. He crawled off of the bed and into the fort, he threw himself down beside his bunkmate and snuggled into his side, starting to whimper. God, he didn't want to admit it but sometimes when he would have panic attacks late at night, he would stand by Lister's bed side and just touch his hand. Being soft light was extremely hard because all he could do was stare, now he was hardlight he could actually touch him.

Suddenly, an arm moved, covering him with a blanket.

Smeg. Lister was awake.

His bunkmate blearily opened his eyes, "You alright?"

"I- erm… sorry-" he tried to pull away, only to be pulled in closer.

"Mmfghmm.. tired.." Lister nuzzled his face into Rimmer's curls, making him gasp, "Pretty… boy…" he slurred sleepily.

Rimmer blushed. His breathing began to even out with the new sensation of someone burying their face in his hair. Tears rolled down his cheeks with happiness as he found himself finally falling asleep. All he had to do know was wake up first.

\-------------------------------------------------

It was half nine and the pair were still laying together.

Rimmer shifted a little, only to be yanked back into the tight hold.

"Stop moving… you're warm… smeghead." Lister groaned.

The hologram sighed, best night's sleep he'd hand in months. A kiss was pressed into the top of his head.

"Mornin Rimmer." Lister stroked his back.

"I- errr- morning… Lister."

"Knew ya'd break." He lightly giggled.

"I only did it because I was having a panic attack." Rimmer protested.

Lister pulled away and shuffled a little until their eyes were level, "Panic Attack?"

"Oh erm.. yeah." Rimmer moved his gaze away.

"You okay? Wanna talk 'bout it?" Lister smiled.

"Stop being nice to me, it doesn't suit you." 

"You alright, smeghead? Wanna talk about it?" He repeated.

"Better. I'm fine… ish?" 

"If ya wanna talk man, I'll listen."

"It's complicated." Rimmer sighed.

"Family stuff?"

"Yes."

"Brothers?" Lister sleepily blinked at him.

"Yes… Lister how do you know all this?!"

"Lucky guess." He shrugged, cradling him again.

Rimmer sighed and relaxed into the hug.

"My brother, Howard, tried to suffocate me with a pillow."

"I'm sorry, WHAT." Lister exclaimed.

"It was my fault… I erm… well Father was away with work and I snuck out to see a friend. I came home late and found Howard waiting for me. Frank and John were out together so it was just him… the bastard beat the life out of me." Rimmer sighed.

"Not exactly normal." Lister furrowed his brow.

"Tell me about it." 

"Must've been some friend, to risk your life for." Lister caressed his cheek with his thumb.

"Wellllll. I guess he was. I just snogged him a bit and-- smeg."

"Snogged him a bit?" 

"I errr… surprise?" The hologram went bright red.

Lister grinned, pulling him into a kiss, "Knew it." He laughed against his lips, "Only a homosexual pulls their boxers that high above their waist."

"Er what?"

"Nothing." Lister kissed him softly.

They broke away and stared into each other's eyes, 

"Well then… this really was a turn of events." Lister grinned at him.

"Ugh. Stop it." Rimmer rolled his eyes.

"Maybe I should make random pillow forts more often. You're so much softer then." 

"Good to know, Listy."

"You're cute when you're not being all uptight."

"Cute? I'm not cute!" Rimmer frowned.

"Nah you're right. Not cute. Adorable."

"Hey! Watch it, mi'laddo."

"Worth it." He shrugged.

"Smeg off." The hologram grumbled.

"Heh. I'm tired… wanna go back to sleep?"

"Sounds like a well executed plan and idea." The hologram sighed as he closed his eyes, a smile stuck to his lips.


	46. Broken (pt.1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set post TPL
> 
> The Posse come across a derelict, Rimmer thinks Lister's too old, There's some evil bitch, Cat's pretty heartless.
> 
> **REPOST BECAUSE SOMETHING GLITCHED OUT**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I didn't get quite as much as I would've liked in this chapter, but there will be loads of action in the next.
> 
> I am utterly shit at writing anthing post s10. So I sincerely apologise for this post TPL one. 
> 
> I'll explain more when I post part.2 in a few days.
> 
> I also apologise if the Latin is incorrect. I couldn't think of a good name so I thought I may aswell google a Latin translation 🤷🏻
> 
> Anyway, Enjoy!

It had all started when The Boys had found a derelict floating through the depths of space.

Sure, they were older and more mature now but since the whole 'Cat Incident' had taken place, but since, the four hadn't had much to do. 

Cat hadn't changed at all, he still straightened his hair, wore his vibrant suits and danced around the ship's corridors like a flamenco dancer.

Kryten continued to enjoy his ironing, mopping, dusting and washing as usual. Taking excessive care to make sure the old bunkroom didn't collect anymore clutter than there already was. 

Then there were the other two.

As sure as hell, the duo swore they hated each other - it'd become something they regularly said when described together over the last thirty odd years. Truthfully, hate had become a synonym for love. 

Each day they'd squabble, purposely winding each other up, ignoring each other by doing things the other hated, then by night, they'd sit side by side on the sofa curled up, talking or on some occasions (if the hologram was feeling nice) the pair would lay in the bottom bunk, wrapped in each other's limbs. 

It was rather homely, come to think of it, arguing like a husband and wife before rushing back to each other. 

3 million years ago, before Arnold Rimmer had unsuccessfully fixed a broken drive plate and before Dave Lister had been sent to stasis, a rather love struck Ionian had repressed his feelings. Rimmer knew being gay was disgusting, revolting, shameful… sinful but he couldn't help it. God, he tried. The day he saw Lister, he knew life would be hell and not just because of the other man's untrained self care or lack of table manners but because of the fact he was practically everything Arnold had ever wanted… someone to love him. Sure, that's rather cliché and petty but love was something he'd never experienced in his life. 

3 million years later, Lister found himself leaning over a scanner, staring at a cluster of readings which had suddenly come through.

"Is everything alright, sir?" Kryten chirped, wiping down a keypad.

"Yeah, all good Krytes…" The scouser nodded, tapping a few more buttons.

A familiar marching echoed down the hall.

"Here comes smeghead." Lister sighed, a soft smile appearing on his lips as his bunkmate sharply turned into the room.

"Is everything alright, Lister?" The hologram raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah erm, there's a derelict a few clicks away." He grinned.

Rimmer frowned, "No way, mi'laddo. You're too old to be running around an abandoned ship like Indiana Jones." 

"Awh for smegs sake, lighten up a bit. We haven't done anythin' interesting for months!" The scouser whined.

"I'm afraid I'll have to agree with Mr Lister on that one sir, I've mopped G deck a total of 34 times since our last expedition." Kryten chimed from across the room.

The hologram rolled his eyes, "Lister, do you honestly think--"

"Please?" He pouted. 

Rimmer closed his eyes, refusing to look at his bunkmate, "For smegs sake, Lis--"

"Pweeeaasseee?" 

There was a long pause where Rimmer seemed to weigh up his options.

"Fine… only if you promise to wash your socks and keep them out of my bunk." 

The scouser grinned, "Promise."

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister stared at the empty corridor, it's walls a sort of teal colour. The smell of burnt out electrics lingered in the air.

"This is cool…" He whispered beneath his breath.

Kryten flicked a few switches on the scanner, his eyes glued to the readings. 

"Anythin', bud?" Cat peered over the mechanoid's shoulder.

The hologram leant against the wall, his eyes darting around the passageway, "If you're checking for life forms… you should have done that earlier when we back on Red Dwarf." 

"Yeah, Goalpost Head, but it would've taken longer!" Cat rolled his eyes.

"Mr Cat is right sir, the readings will be much faster--" 

A loud chinking noise came from down the corridor and the four simultaneously turned their heads to the origin of the sound.

"Did ya hear that?" Lister murmured.

"No, I'm deaf." Rimmer hissed, "Of course I heard it, gimboid." 

"Greetings." 

The four spun around to see a slender woman stood staring back at them. Her slim body was covered by a white toga encrusted with gold thread.

Cat's eyes widened and he grinned, "Oh heeyyyy!" 

She turned, her ivory black hair swaying a little, revealing a H on her forehead.

Rimmer's expression lit up… but something continued to bug him.

"Erm hi." Lister nervously put his hand out.

The hologram smiled, her hand passing through his. A soft light.

"Hello, ma'am." Kryten bowed a little.

"Greetings, travellers, welcome to The Sanctuary of Souls." Her smile extended.

Rimmer cleared his throat, "So er… I apologise if this sounds rude but, who are you?" 

She laughed softly, "Angelus Reprobi but you can call me Angel." 

Kryten seemed taken aback a little before shaking his head in dismissal.

"Please, do follow me. I shall take you to the resting chamber." She elegantly spun around before almost floating down the corridor. 

Cat grinned and rushed after her, doing a subtle victory dance as he flew around the corner.

"Alright then." Lister looked over at Kryten then back at Rimmer, "Let's go."

"Of course, after you two, sirs." The mechanoid smiled, extending his arm.

"Lister… I have a bad feeling about this." Rimmer bit his lip.

The scouser sighed and shook his head, "Stop chickenin' out man. There's nothin' scary about this."

Rimmer nodded and folded his arms behind this back, marching off down the hall.

\-------------------------------------------------

When the four had settled in a large cushioned chamber. The female hologram appeared once again.

"I hope you are all comfortable?" She cheerfully spoke, "We rarely ever get visitors here. Especially alive ones!" 

A voice inside Rimmer's head was fanatically screaming something was wrong. When he stared at her crystal blue eyes, he could see how contracted her pupils were.

"Yeah we're all good, thanks." Lister smiled, cracking open a lager which had appeared onto the coffee table.

"May I talk with your leader?" She turned to face Rimmer, her piercing stare made his insides tense.

"Er, of course." He heaved himself up, shooting a worried glance at his bunkmate who quickly dismissed it with the roll of his eyes.

"Do follow me." 

\-------------------------------------------------

Angel led him to a slightly smaller chamber, all empty besides a metal chandelier which hung overhead. The female hologram positioned herself facing away from him.

"So, what can I do for you, Miss Angel." He forced a smile.

"You're a hologram." Her tone was rather flat.

"Er yes." 

She spun around, a large smile on her face, "You're perfect."

"Sorry, what?" He blinked.

The woman approached him, her golden belt swaying at her hips, "Your lightbee… when you arrived, I ran it through my scanners." 

Rimmer frowned, partially offended he'e been 'scanned' without consent.

"Oh."

Angel grabbed his chin with her index and thumb, "I want it."

He frowned, backing away, "Well I'm sorry, you can't have it."

"No one tells me no, Arnold." Her pupils contracting to no more than a pin prick.

"Well I am!"

Angel's smile beamed, her face contorting and glitching, "Oh thank you, Arnold. Thank you." She began to hysterically laugh.

Rimmer frowned in horror.

Then he felt it.

A piercing pain jolted through his body as he felt metal claws break his form and latch onto his lightbee. 

"Thank you." She stared at him as the room around him seemed to darken.

\-------------------------------------------------

When Angel returned to the soft chamber, she was greeted by a rather anxious human.

"Is everything alright?" She furrowed her brow.

"Where's Rimmer?" Lister bit his lip.

She smiled at him, "He's just doing me a favour."

"See! I told you, Hamster Cheeks, Goalpost Head is fine!" Cat sighed, shaking his head.

"Is it alright if I talk to him, ma'am?" Kryten, who surprisingly had been even more anxious than Lister, butted in.

"No." Angel snapped.

Lister frowned.

"No, he needs full concentration." She corrected herself with a far more calming and gentle tone.

"Ah… right…" The scouser nodded.

"You will be able to see him once he returns. Feel free to explore, gentlemen. Take supplies, whatever you need." The female hologram wet her lips, "I have a few things to deal with." And with that, she glided out of the room once again.

Cat sunk into the chair, "What a woman!" 

"Krytes, what were ya sayin?" Lister spun around to face the mechanoid.

Kryten shook his head, "Angelus Reprobi means 'Fallen Angel' in Latin, Sirs."

"So? Maybe her parents were into freaky names like that!" Cat rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Lister pursed his lips, "Yeh both have a good point… I'm just worried about Rimmer.." 

"Why do you care about Alphabet Head so much? I'm finally glad to get rid of him!" 

"You didn't say that when we thought he was gone in the explosion!" Lister found himself snapping back at his crewmate.

"Jeez, I was only makin' a joke!" The feline grumbled.


	47. Broken (pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pt.2 of "Broken" (set post TPL)
> 
> Things seem to get worse for our hologram and his bunkmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everrryonnee! I'd just like to say today's fic is pretty depressing... Sincere apologies. 
> 
> I really tried my best with this one, I made myself cry whilst editing it so I hope it'll make you do the same ;) 
> 
> There's a scene in this that was inspired by "The Gift" by Thornvale (if you read their fic you'll understand which bit).Their fic is here: 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/8146312
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer slowly came around, he glanced down at his aching wrists and found himself bound by metal manacles. 

"Erm… excuse me?" He frowned as a figure approached.

Angel smiled down at him, "Oh Arnold. You really are good at resisting, aren't you?" 

He frowned, "Sorry?"

"I downloaded all of the information you have stored on your lightbee." She laughed sharply.

Rimmer gulped.

She began to pace around him, "You're a disgusting… loathsome… revolting… rancid… putrid… (insert f slur)." 

The hologram tensed up, feeling a wave of fear swallow him up.

"You disgust me!" Angel violently spun around and slapped him across the face, making sure her long red nails dug into his skin.

Rimmer hissed in agony, despite being indestructible, he found anything made of the same material as a hologram - light - could still do a certain amount of damage.

"You should have kept yourself unplugged." She sneered.

He bit his trembling lip, bowing his head in shame.

"But you know what?" Angel laughed.

Rimmer glared up at her.

"I have a use for you." 

He swallowed thickly, fear rising once again like a tsunami. 

"What is it?" 

She grinned, flashing her pristine teeth, "That human means a lot to you, doesn't he?" 

Rimmer's face turned to pure terror, "If you lay a single finger on--"

"Oh Arnold, I'm not going to hurt him. You are." And with that, a large syringe went into Rimmer's neck.

\-------------------------------------------------

When Rimmer and Angel appeared back into the soft chamber, they found Lister pacing the room.

"Oh, David, we didn't expect to see you here." She laughed softly.

"Oh erm yeah. I just wanted to talk to Rimmer."

The hologram stared at him, his face emotionless.

The three stood in silence.

"Right… erm…" Lister stumbled over his words.

"I'll give you two some time alone." The woman backed out of the chamber, the doors sliding shut behind her.

The scouser glanced at the doorway then back at Rimmer, "Yeh alright? Yeh look like yer've a ghost?" 

The hologram blinked dumbly at him.

"Awh come on. What did ya do?" He approached his bunkmate with a beaming smile on his face.

Rimmer suddenly grabbed Lister by the throat and threw him to the floor.

"Smegging hell!" Lister screamed.

The hologram marched over and lunged down at him, pinning him to the ground before throwing a series of punches to his abdomen.

The scouser kicked him in the chest, sending him flying backwards.

Lister groaned in pain, "for smegs sake, what was--"

Within seconds, Rimmer was back up and had him pressed against the wall.

"Rimmer? Rim? Rimsy?" He frantically began to call his name, trying to snap him out of his trance.

The hologram stared at him before wincing in pain, his form glitched before reappearing again.

"Rimmeh?" He squeaked.

His bunkmate squinted, "Listy?" His body glitching a little.

"Arn… what did you do that for?" He murmured.

The pair stood heavily panting whilst Rimmer stared at the floor, a look of fear plastered to his face. 

When he finally looked at him, Lister saw the fear in his eyes, "Listy… you have to trust me."

"I dunno man… yeh just started beating me like a pound of mincemeat." Typical Lister, always seeing the light in a dark room.

"Please." Tears rolled down Rimmer's cheeks.

The scouser frowned in horror, he'd never seen Rimmer cry publically before, "What do ya need to do?"

The hologram bit his lips as tears flooded down his face, he took Lister's hand and guided it to his chest, it penetrated his form and went inside.

Lister stared in confusion and bemusement, Rimmer always hated it when things went through his projection when he had been a softlight hologram. He flinched when he felt metal against his fingertips.

"Yer lightbee?" He raised an eyebrow.

His bunkmate nodded, "Angel did something to it… she's making me hurt you…" he sniffled, his body glitching more.

The scouser's eyes widened when he realised his hand had been guided so the bee was in his grasp.

"Rimmer, whatcha sayin' to me man? We can fix ya." 

"No…" He shook his head sadly, "Just do it." He sniffed.

"Do what?" He furrowed his brow.

"Listy please.." The hologram didn't even need to say anything. Something clicked in Lister's head making what he was being asked to do make sense.

"No." He whispered.

"Please."

"No way. I nearly lost you twice a few months ago… I'm not doin' it again. You've kept me goin all this time--"

"If you don't, I'll end up killing you, Lister!" Rimmer sobbed, "Please."

"No…" Tears filled Lister's eyes, "No…"

The hologram wrapped his hand around Lister's and winced, "It's okay Listy… don't cry…"

"Rimmer, man, I can't do this!" He whimpered.

His bunkmate took his spare hand off of Lister's shoulder and gently cupped his cheek, wiping the tears away with his thumb.

"I love you, Listy." 

With the remaining strength he had in his body, Rimmer clamped his hand shut, crushing Lister's hand along with his own Lightbee.

The scouser let out a scream of agony as he felt metal dig into his palm, he watched the teary face of his bunkmate melt away… leaving him with the crushed bee in his fist.

He began to breathe heavily, hyperventilating. Why? What had happened?

"Rimmer?" He whispered, opening his palm.

Tears flooded down his face as he sunk to the ground, staring at his bloody palm and the crushed lightbee. He pressed his head against the wall and let out a pained sob.

"RIMMER!" Lister screamed, his hand flying over his mouth as he stifled the sobs and screams that escaped his lips.

The whole universe seemed to stop. Every single moment that he had spent with his bunkmate seemed to flash before his eyes like a film. 

Everything. Every moment. Every word. Every touch. Every snide remark. Every second. Everything.

The doors slid open and Kryten came rushing in, followed by Cat and Angel.

"Oh sir!" The mechanoid frowned in confusion.

"David--"

"GET AWAY FROM ME… AND HIM… US!" He screamed, heaving himself up besides the extreme pain that was originating from the blows he took to his stomach.

"Bud, what are you on about?" Cat tilted his head in confusion.

"Yeh made me kill 'im!" Lister sobbed, backing away from the female hologram.

Kryten's jaw dropped when he saw Mr Lister's bloody hand and the smashed lightbee.

Fear and rage spread across Angel's face, "What have YOU done?! You crushed his bee! It was perfect!" 

"No- no." The scouser whimpered, "What did yeh do to him?"

"Sorry?" She laughed.

Anger smashed Lister over the head like a baseball bat, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HIM?" 

Everyone stopped. Lister's words lingering in the air.

Cat's face was a picture of fear, he'd never heard Lister say the F word before, let alone the rage level he was at.

"Yeh made me kill… yeh made me kill the one man.. the one man that wanted my love for what it was." He sniffled, his arm violently trembling.

"He was a hologram, David, he was already dead! He didn't love you!" Angel snapped back at him.

Then everything went black.

\-------------------------------------------------

**(8 months later)**

Lister sat in the bunkroom, cradling a navy blue blanket. 

8 months had gone passed since the incident at the derelict. He hadn't spoken to Cat at all, he hadn't even left the room. Kryten and Holly had been the only people he allowed himself to talk to, atleast they cared.

Guilt toyed with his mind. It was his fault. He doubted him. He let him go alone. He crushed him.

_He crushed him._

The scouser glanced over at the empty seat beside him, tears still flooded down his cheeks. Memories of them both curled up, bickering, whilst watching a film or playing a card game stuck in his mind like a dagger to the heart. 

"Oh Arn…" He sniffled, "Oh Arnold. Why? Why?" 

Lister dwelled on the fools hope Kryten continued to give him, both him and Holly were supposedly working on a way to rebuild the lightbee… but Lister had abandoned the hope long ago.

Then even more guilt kicked him. He was sure he'd lost bits of the lightbee when he dropped it onto the floor… sure.. sure he had been in pain which should've killed him... but that was physical. The mental pain had already killed him. 

He had lunged at Angel and snapped her lightbee in two. He threw it onto the ground and stamped on it until Kryten had to drag him away.

Cat had called him a holomurderer. 

That was it.

That had been the last few words they shared. 

Thirty odd years down the smegging drain. 

Lister regretted everything in that moment. He regretted bringing Frankenstein on board. He wished he had died in the radiation leak alongside his bunkmate. 

The scouser held the blanket closer to him as he traced his thumb over the engraved white thread he had stitched. It was Rimmer's birthday present from a few years ago. Lister had found the perfect navy blue blanket and spent hours stitching in his bunkmate's name so it was labelled like the rest of his possessions.

_"I love you"_

The same words had rang in his head, over and over, everyday of his meaningless life. Every night in his dreams, the moment played, only this time Rimmer never died. He saved him. Waking up was like being killed.

Three times he'd tried to flush himself out of an airlock. Three. 

He exhaled sadly before the sound of footsteps echoed behind him.

"Smeg off Cat. You know I don't want to talk to you."

They continued until they were right behind him.

"Cat I said leave me alone!" Lister dived up and span around.

He felt as if a bus had hit him, the scouser stared at the face in front of him. Tears welled in his eyes.

"Listy…" Rimmer sniffled, also overcome by emotion.

The pair both dived towards each other, the hologram tumbling over the back of the sofa and into the arms of his bunkmate.

Lister had never held something as tightly as he held Rimmer, he didn't ever want to let go. The whole universe seemed to come back to life.

"Shhh." His bunkmate cradled him, "It's alright Listy."

"Am I dead? Am I dead?" Lister kept sobbing.

"No, you're not. I promise you're not." He kissed Lister's forehead. 

"Oh Arnold." He bawled out.

"Listy!" Rimmer cupped his cheek, wiping tears away with his thumb.

"How are you back?" The scouser sobbed into his hand.

"Kryten said Cat managed to find an identical piece of my lightbee amongst his shiny things." He pressed his face into Lister's.

"We're too old for this smeg…" Lister whimpered.

Rimmer let out a shaky laugh, "I still love you just as much."

"Don't ever leave me again." His bunkmate sniffled.

The hologram tilted his head so they were facing each other, the duo stared into each other's eyes, and a thousand unanswered questions were suddenly answered.

"I won't. I promise." He whispered before closing the gap between them.

All the pain from the last year suddenly melted away as their lips met. Lister finally felt happiness return to him and it was in the form of the man he loved the most, Arnold J Rimmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had the whole "crushing" scene going around my head for weeks now, I urged myself to write it somewhere, so here you go :) 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this mini fic :)


	48. Looking after you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister wakes up with a terrible hangover, unable to remember what had happened with his bunkmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya everyone! Sorry for the late post, I've been out all day.
> 
> Today's fic is so much more "happier" than the last one ;)
> 
> Enjoy!

"No… go and sleep, gimboid." Someone whispered from beside him.

Lister became aware of the fact someone was pulling a blanket over him before everything went black. 

His eyes flew open.

"What the smeg?" He groaned.

"Hm? Listy! You're finally awake." The same someone called from behind.

He turned his head to look at the chirpy hologram, "Rimmer…? Why am I in your bunk?" He winced, patting the double blankets on top of him.

"Well it was hard to get you into your own, plus, you were extremely clingy." He grumbled, reappearing into Lister's frontal view, handing him a glass of water.

"Water? I don't drink that smeg." He groaned.

"It's warm lemon water. It'll make you feel better, gimboid." The hologram rolled his eyes.

"A can of lager will make me feel better, man." 

"Oh no you don't. You're drinking this or I'm going to force it down your throat." He hissed.

"Smegging hell! Fine! I'll drink a bit of it." 

"All of it."

"¾ of it." Lister raised an eyebrow.

"All of it!" Rimmer shoved the warm glass into his face.

"Alright! Alright! Fine." He snatched it off of the Hologram and gulped it down, wincing.

"Better." Rimmer smiled, taking the glass off of him.

"That was disgusting! Why did I have to drink that smeg?" Lister whined, wiping his lips with the back of his hand.

The hologram came back to his bedside and sat on the edge, "How much of yesterday do you remember, Lister?" 

He thought for a moment, "It was my birthday, wasn't it?"

"Yes. Yes it was."

"I went drinking… Parrot's.."

The hologram nodded.

"Drank a piss load and that's about it." He shrugged.

Rimmer stood up and put his hands behind his back, pacing up and down beside the bed, "You came back to the quarters at two and proceeded to vomit all over the table."

Lister frowned.

"I was only just getting to sleep and you proceeded to just throw the smeg up!" He stamped his foot, "I spent the rest of the night sitting with you by the smegging toilet!" He screeched.

"Oh…"

"Holly teased me when I asked him to come get Kryten. Which really smegged me off!" He continued to pace.

Lister stared at him blankly.

"You know what? Kryten can explain all of this. As if what I'm saying is actually registering in your brain." And with that, Rimmer stormed out of the room.

\-------------------------------------------------

A few minutes later the Mechanoid strolled into the room, "Oh good morning Mr Lister!" He beamed.

"Morning Krytes… Can you explain what the smeg has got on Rimmer's nerves?" He adjusted himself under the blankets.

"Well… He told me not to tell you about what happened in the early hours of this morning, just what happened when you came back."

"Early hours? He's always in bed by twelve." 

The mechanoid bit his lip, "Oh sir… I'm not sure whether I should tell you or not…"

"Command override, tell me what happened. The full story."

Kryten arched over and then back up again, "That was terrible! I'll explain everything." He pulled out a chair and sat down beside Lister. "It started just after you went to your party, Mr Rimmer had a panic attack."

"He had a panic attack?" His brow furrowed.

"Oh yes! He was sobbing and everything, he wouldn't tell me why. Well anyway, it lasted for about two hours and he went to bed."

"Right… then I came and threw up everywhere." Lister nodded.

"Yes. Mr Rimmer was very good about that, sir." 

"Huh?" 

"He looked after you… the whole time." The mechanoid stared at him in confusion, "Didn't he tell you?" 

"No? Rimmeh hasn't told me anythin'."

"Well, you kept being sick and he sat by your side, looking after you. Whilst I was busy tidying up in here, Mr Rimmer made sure you were okay. He didn't leave your side once." 

Lister sat in silence, letting the information sink in.

"I can't see why he didn't tell you? He must've been so proud of what happened." 

"How did I end up here?" Lister signalled to the bed.

"Oh! Well Mr Rimmer insisted on you having his bunk tonight, seeing as he wasn't tired anymore but then with you being extremely intoxicated, you wouldn't let go of him."

"Yeah?" He wrinkled his nose a little.

"Well he sort of laid by your side, comforting you until you fell asleep. Then he went to the medi-bay and got a list of the things that you'll need for a hangover." 

Lister gawped. 

"I've never seen Mr Rimmer so caring before! It was completely alien of him. Even Holly was stumped." 

"Are you tellin' me, Arnold Smeghead Judas Rimmer, stayed by my side whilst a vomited and laid by my side until I fell asleep?" 

"Yes sir."

"He looked after me?" He winced, massaging his head a little.

"He insisted! I said I could, but he said he would be the one who would look after you." 

Lister sighed, "I need to go find him." He grumbled, throwing his legs over the side of the bed.

"He's in the medi-bay, sir." 

"Thanks Krytes."

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister slowly walked into the brightly lit room, his vision glazed over the sick beds until it found a hologram, laying facing away from him.

Approaching the bed, he began, "Okay Rimmer, let's talk about--" he paused, seeing the sleeping hologram passed out on one of the beds. "Oh you didn't get any sleep last night… did yer?" He knelt by his side.

Rimmer shifted a little in his sleep.

"Wow…" He whispered under his breath, brushing a stray curl off of his pale forehead.

The hologram eyes slowly opened, "where am I?" He slurred.

"Medi-bay. You fell asleep." Lister whispered softly.

"Listy?" Rimmer blinked.

"Yeah. It's me."

"You should be back in bed." 

"So should you, man." Lister tentatively stroked his cheek.

The hologram sweetly smiled, "You're the one who has a hangover." 

"The lemon water helped. Thank you." 

"You-re welcome." He yawned, snuggling into the hard bed.

"Hey don't go to sleep here, man. Let's go back to our quarters first." 

"Hm?" Rimmer blinked, blearily.

"Come 'ere, smeghead. Let's get ya back to bed."

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister held onto Rimmer's arm as the hologram hugged him. He pulled the blankets over them both.

"Thank you so much, man. You really didn't need to." He whispered.

"Needed to… Look after Listy." He yawned.

"But ya had a panic attack and everything." 

"Worried that I wouldn't be able to protect you one day…" His eyes began to close, "You're thirty two now… might get hurt more easily." 

"Oh yer daft smegger! I'm not that old!" He softly laughed, pressed his forehead against the hologram's mouth.

Rimmer smiled and gently kissed his head.

Lister hugged him tighter, "Goodnight… ish."

"Night night…" he slurred, his eyes closing again.

"Lights." Lister whispered, looking up at his sleeping bunkmate, "Thank you." 


	49. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set right after The Promised Land
> 
> Lister feels guilty for not acting as he should've.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I'm posting another fic as per usual tomorrow but today I'm posting this short fic because:
> 
> 1) I have nothing better to do.
> 
> 2) it's only about 700 words, which doesn't deserve a two day pause 🤷🏻♀️
> 
> This fic was based off of a question I asked on Tumblr about Lister looking rather emotionless when they all thought Rimmer had 'died' in the bomb scene. 
> 
> I wrote this in about twenty minutes and barely proof read it, so I apologise for it not being that great.
> 
> Enjoy!

"What a day." Rimmer whispered as the duo staggered into their bunkroom

"Uhuh." Lister sniffed, his voice trembling.

"Are you alright?" The hologram spun around to look at his bunkmate. The scouser was leaning against the table with his arms across his chest as of if he were hugging himself.

"Fine."

"Lister, is something the matter?" Rimmer furrowed his brow. He couldn't understand where this sudden change of mood had come from - Lister had been happy when they left the Cat people, right ?

"Nah, nah I'm fine." He brought a hand up to his eyes and rubbed them, vigorously, trying to erase his tears.

"Oh Listy, what's wrong?" Rimmer was at his side within seconds, he gently took his hand and cupped it between his own.

"Iss nothin'." The scouser tried to insist, only to break into further tears.

"Are you upset about no longer being a god?" His bunkmate raised an eyebrow.

"No. I'm happy for ya." He turned away as tears began to flood down his face.

"Listy!" Rimmer gasped and let go of his hand, moving his hands to cup Lister's cheek, "Listy, what's wrong?!"

The scouser turned his head back to face him, his bottom lip trembling with emotion, "I couldn't- I couldn't feel anythin'." 

The hologram furrowed his brow in confusion, "What?" 

"When- when yeh were Diamond Light." He let out a shaky sob and shook his head, "We all thought yous was gone." 

"I know?" Rimmer stroked his cheek with his thumb, smudging the tear stains.

"I thought yeh were gone… I couldn't feel anythin!" Lister's face screwed up in pain as he sobbed into Rimmer's palm.

The hologram slowly moved forward, taking his bunkmate into his arms. 

Lister suddenly let out a series of pained sobs, gripping onto Rimmer as if he were the only thing to exist in the whole universe.

"Shhh, shhh, calm down." He softly spoke, caressing Lister's dreadlocks by running his fingers through them, lovingly.

"I couldn't feel anythin', man! I couldn't feel sad--" He blubbered. 

"Listy, it's fine. You were probably just numb." 

"Numb?" Lister snivelled. 

"Yes, you suffered an extreme moment of sadness and your mind shut itself down to stop itself from hurting." Rimmer pressed a kiss to his bunkmate's neck. 

The scouser paused for a moment, "Numb?" 

"Listy, how do you feel about what happened?" 

The hologram braced himself as Lister's grip on him became excruciatingly tight and as the bundle in his arms began to sob harder.

"It hurts so much!" 

"Shhh," Rimmer carefully lowered them to the ground where he cradled Lister on his lap, holding him close to him like a small child. 

"I should've done somethin'…" The scouser shook his head, pressing his face into Rimmer's neck.

"It's alright, Listy. You were in denial, you thought I was dead, it's normal!" He softly spoke, desperately trying to reassure him.

"Back on Starbug… I thought I was gonna lose yeh. I was so scared… and when I actually thought you were gone I--" 

Lister's head was gently pulled back as Rimmer pressed their noses together, "I'm never going to leave you, Lister." 

The scouser's bottom lip began to quiver again, "Sometimes, I have nightmares where ye go off to be Ace 'n' don't tell us 'bout it." 

Rimmer cringed, "Listy, I would never do that." 

"I know, Arn, I know…" 

The pair stared into each other's eyes as Lister's breaths slowly began to even out once again. 

"Listy… I…" Rimmer bit his lip, "I hope I made you proud." 

"Oh Arn." He whispered softly, "I was so proud of ya…" 

The hologram smiled before he closed the gap between them, their lips meeting. 

All the pain seemed to suddenly melt away as Lister clung to Rimmer's blue suit, their lips glued together. 

The scouser moaned, as he was surprised over how soft and pliable Rimmer's lips were. They were practically untouched and virgin, making the kiss even better. He tangled his fingers into the hologram's greying curls. 

God. How did they get here? 

Twenty years ago, he would've sworn he hated Rimmer more than anything and anyone he'd ever met. Now? He loved him more than anything anyone he'd ever met.

"I love you." Rimmer breathed against their lips when they parted for air, "I love you so much."

"I love you too." Lister sniffled, smiling at him. 

"You're my gimboid." The hologram cupped his cheek.

"And yer my smeghead."


	50. Missed you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an incident on a derelict, Rimmer finds himself kicked out of the bunkroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Sorry for the later post, I've been out today. 
> 
> We just passed 2000 hits which is fantastic! Thank you so so much 💖
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer tossed and turned. He hated being in this spare bunkroom. Sure there were loads onboard but he'd gotten used to Lister's heavy snoring and the sound of the ship whirring. It was far too quiet in Todhunter's old bunk room. He had found an old picture of him and Todhunter stuffed in one of his drawers.

He sat up and wrapped his blanket around himself before making his way back into his shared quarters.

"Erm Listy." He coughed.

"Whatcha want?" Lister raised an eyebrow. Despite it being half two in the morning, he looked wide awake.

"Er… I'm going back to my bed.." He put on a stern voice.

"Oh really?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Smeg off." He threw the comic that he had in his hands onto the floor.

"Look, I'm sorry." Rimmer bit his lip.

"Sorry? Sorry doesn't change anything. You nearly killed Cat!" He screeched.

"I'm sorry! There, I said it again." He whined.

"You don't mean it though, do ya Rimmer? You don't actually mean it." His bunkmate slid off of the bed and stormed up to him.

"Please don't hit me!" Rimmer flinched.

"Huh? I wasn't going to hit…" he looked down at his balled fist, "I was going to hit yer man." 

"Oh. Right, yeah." He cleared his throat and straightened himself back up.

"What I'm tryna say is, I'm pissed off at ya." 

"I… I can see why." He bowed his head and let out a gurgling noise.

There was a pause.

"Are you okay man?" Lister raised an eyebrow.

"Please… if you're going to hit me get it over with." Pain and spite riddled his words.

"I'm not going to smeggin hit ya!" Lister stepped back.

"Why not?" The hologram whimpered.

"Because I don't hit people that smeg me off. I'm not like that. You know that!" 

"Yes… yes. I'll go back to the other quarters." He nodded and scuttled off.

Lister stared in confusion. He walked back to the bunk before clambering up to the top.

He sat in silence for a few minutes before glancing down at the empty bunk below him.

"Ah smegs sake." He threw himself off and went to find Rimmer.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister found the hologram rocking himself on the floor of Todhunter's quarters.

"Hey."

"Hm."

"You alright?"

"Tickety boo."

"Right…" he sat down beside him, "Look I know I was a bit harsh--"

"You had every right to be. I nearly killed another person." He replied, half heartedly. 

Lister bit his lip and sighed.

"You should go back to bed." 

"Can't sleep." 

"Neither." Rimmer chewed on his bottom lip anxiously.

"Look… What actually happened back there? On the derelict."

Rimmer took a deep breath, "Simulant tried to shoot Cat… I shoved him down the stairs." 

"Right. And what happened to this 'Simulant'?" He sounded unconvinced.

"I flushed it out of an air lock." He gently undid the button on his wrist and slid up his sleeve, a massive burn mark across his forearm.

"Holy smeg!" Lister gawped, shuffling away a little.

"It doesn't hurt that much." 

"How..?"

"I took the bullet instead of Cat." He shrugged, "Not much of a big deal." He slid it back down.

"You..? And you kicked it out of the airlock?" 

"I went full kamikaze on it." He sighed, "Ran at it… nearly got dragged out myself." He tisked.

"No…" Lister winced.

"What?"

"I… I screamed at ya… I kicked you out of the bunkroom…" He put his hand over his mouth, "Yeh even thought I was going to hit you."

"It's fine, Lister… I should have told you what happened… I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologise to me." 

The pair stared at each other for a few moments.

"I'm… sorry." Rimmer said again.

"Stop apologising!" Lister ran his fingers through his own hair.

"I-- I'm sorry for everything I've ever done… I know I'm a complete smeghead that doesn't deserve your forgiveness but… yes… I'm sorry."

Lister flung his arms around the hologram and began to cradle him; "I'm sorry for not listening to you." 

Rimmer stiffened at first, trying to push him away before all of his emotions flooded out and he pressed his face into Lister's chest, exhaling.

"It's fine."

"Have you been to the medi-bay? About your arm?" He gently massaged his bunkmate's head.

"I was going to but Kryten said he was busy." Rimmer sniffled.

"Hey are you crying?" Lister frowned, gently pulling away to look at his teary bunkmate, "Ah smegging hell. Everyone knew but me?" 

"You'd already shouted and I didn't want you to feel bad." Rimmer sighed.

Lister leant in and kissed Rimmer's H before wiping away a few tears with his thumb.

His bunkmate sniffled and leant back in, reburying his face, "S- sorry for crying." 

"Stop apologising, man, yer making me feel bad." 

"Sorry." He sobbed.

"No!" Lister kissed his forehead again, "I don't want you to apologise to me… it's weird!" 

"S-"

Within the next few seconds, Lister tilted Rimmer's head upwards and pressed his mouth against his.

The hologram gasped and went limp, allowing Lister to hold him tighter. 

They broke apart, panting.

"I-" Rimmer gulped, "Listy?"

"Yeah, man?" 

"I-- Thank you."

"Thank you too." He kissed just under his eye softly.

His bunkmate leant up and tenderly kissed him once again. Lister cupped his head in his hands.

Rimmer softly moaned, his hair being tossed about.

The scouser nuzzled their noses together.

"Listy I… I don't know where I'd be without you…" Rimmer breathed heavily when they seperated.

"Where you'd be? I don't smegging know where I'd be with you." He hugged him.

Rimmer winced.

"You alright?" He pulled away, abruptly, worried he'd hurt him.

"It's my arm. It's fine." The hologram licked his lips.

"Come on. Let's get ya to the medi-bay."

\-------------------------------------------------

"Kryten, I don't care. Just give him some painkillers or something." Lister rolled his eyes.

"But sir, he should be fine! I've just cleaned his wound and dressed it!" Kryten wailed.

"I'm asking yer nicely, man."

The mechanoid bowed his head, "Okay sir." 

Rimmer blushed a little, "Erm thank you, Kryters." 

"You're welcome, Mr Rimmer, sir." He passed him a small tablet and a glass of water.

The hologram accepted it gratefully and swallowed down the pill and water.

"Thank you." He meekly smiled.

"Is that all, Sir? I have to check up on Mr Cat." 

"Yeah. That's all Krytes."

The mechanoid quickly left the room.

"You okay?" Lister brushed his curls off of his forehead.

"Yes, thank you, Listy."

"Yer welcome." He kissed his H again.

"Can I go back to my bunk?" The hologram looked up, hopefully.

"Sure… but how does laying around in the king-sized bed, in the Captain's Quarters, sound, eh?" He smirked.

Rimmer blinked, letting the words sink in, "Sounds like a good idea... mi'laddo."

Lister took his hand and helped him up, "Let's go."


	51. Magazines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat being Cat, decides to snoop around Rimmer's old locker and finds a secret compartment.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING - self harm.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I hope everyone is doing well.
> 
> Believe it or not, I deleted this whole entire fic and re-wrote it a while back because I didn't like where it was going 🤷🏻♀️
> 
> Thanks for all the love you guys give my work here on ao3 and on Tumblr :)
> 
> Enjoy!

"Ah smeg off!" Lister whined, throwing the AR headset onto the table.

"I'm just saying, you've spent ten hours straight without any breaks!" Rimmer followed behind.

"I was enjoying myself!" He hissed.

"By doing what? Having sex with a non-existant woman?" 

"Oi. It felt real." Lister stormed into the bunk room.

"Oh really?" Rimmer rolled his eyes, "I'm genuinely concerned, Lister. About you."

"Just smeg off, would ya, Rimmer? I don't care about your concern."

"Lister! I understand that you're 3 million years into deep space, the last human being alive--"

"--but I have it worse because I'm dead." Lister chimed in unison, "Yer might be dead, Rimmer, but you can touch things and do whatever!" He rolled his eyes, sitting down facing away from him.

Rimmer sighed with annoyance and stretched his hand out, about to touch Lister's shoulder before he recoiled his arm swiftly. He shook his head and stormed out.

"Smeghead." Lister grumbled, listening to the footsteps disappear.

The closet door swung open and Cat pirouetted out.

"Hey bud!" He grinned.

"Hi, Cat."

"What was all that about? With Goal Post Head?"

"He interrupted me AR session!" Lister grumbled.

"Ohhh!" Cat sat opposite him, "Look what I found in Goal Post Head's locker! He had a secret compartment." He threw a load of magazines onto the table.

Lister frowned and picked one up, "Cat… don't touch it."

"Huh? Why not bud?! I found it!" 

"Cat…" he gulped, "It's a gay porno magazine." 

"A what?" Cat stared down at it and back up at Lister.

"You found this in Rimmer's locker…?"

"Yeah! He had a secret compartment." 

Lister began to flick through one, "Smegging hell… this is graphic." 

"I don't understand, bud! Non-bud always talks about women!" Cat cried.

"I don't understand either, man. Just wait till he gets back." He sighed.

\-------------------------------------------------

"Lister, I have an idea about--" The hologram paced into the room and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the pair sitting at the table, the magazines in a pile. "Sm-- smeg.." 

"Care to explain, non-bud?" Cat raised an eyebrow.

Rimmer darted into the bathroom, locking the door.

"Hey!" Lister scrambled to his feet and pounded on the door, "Let me in, man!"

"No! Go away!" The hologram sniffled, tears filling his eyes.

"Rimmer, man, come on. Let's talk about this like normal people." His voice was calm.

"SMEG OFF!! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Rimmer sobbed out. He quickly began to undress, throwing his clothes into a heap on the floor and scrambled into the shower. He needed to be clean. He needed to feel clean.

He turned the shower on, at first cold water hit his skin, making him shudder. He turned it up higher, drowning out Lister. 

Tears merged with the warming water. It gave him flashbacks of crying in the rain back at home on Io. They all lived in domes so it was from a sprinkler system which was meant to mimic rain on earth but it was realistic enough for him. Sometimes, he'd have a terrible day at Io house and his younger self would run into the woods and sit in the clearing, crying as the rain poured.

Rimmer squirted a handful of shampoo into his hand and began to lather his curls in the thick liquid, massaging it into his scalp.

Once, he'd received a particularly hard beating from his father and he sat in the back garden for hours, letting the rain drench him.

He should've gotten rid of those magazines a long time ago but they were the only thing he owned which sort of made him feel normal… as normal as owning gay porn magazines went. He sighed, washing his neck. He hated being homosexual. He hated suppressing himself. He hated himself. 

Rimmer bowed his head in shame and leant against the steamy glass, he let out a pained sob which was drained out by the sound of the shower. He grabbed his body wash from the small shelf and lathered himself in it, before scrubbing himself until his whole body was practically raw.

He winced in pain as the water touched his skin, making it sting. At least he felt clean. He glanced down at his thighs and stared at his old scars. A tear rolled down his cheek and disappeared into nothingness. Rimmer rinsed himself off before turning the shower off and stepped out into the humid room.

He shivered and walked over to the cabinet and pulled out his towel. The hologram winced as he patted himself down, too afraid to rub his stinging skin.

Rimmer opened the door, "Listy?" 

"Yeah man?" 

"Can you pass me my pyjamas and underwear? It should be hung up in the wardrobe." He spoke barely above a whisper.

"Yeah of course man." Lister shuffled around a bit, the door opened and not much time after Rimmer was dressed. He came out into the bunkroom and walked over to his bunk, sitting down.

"You okay?" Lister softly spoke from the table.

"Fine." The hologram mumbled.

"I'm really sorry about--" 

"Forget it, Lister."

"I'm worried man… you were in there for two hours." He nodded at the bathroom door.

"Don't be daft, Lister." He rolled his eyes.

"No I mean it man. Ask Holly." 

"Holly!" Rimmer hissed.

"What's happenin dudes?" The head appeared.

"How long was Rimmer in the shower for?" Lister raised an eyebrow. 

The computer paused for a moment, "Two hours, seven minutes, thirty two seconds."

"What?!" Rimmer cried out.

"Hey, hey it's okay man." Lister was now kneeling by his side, "It's alright." He gently peeled back Rimmer's pyjama sleeve.

"What the smeg are you doing?!" The hologram yanked his arm away.

"What've ya done to yer arm?" His brow furrowed, taking the arm back, "Rimmer… yer arms raw. You've scrubbed yer arm raw?" 

"Stop it! Leave me alone, Lister." He growled.

"What've ya done man..?" He rolled the sleeve up further.

"Ignore it! It's nothing. Just leave it and let me sleep." 

"Rimmer is this because of the magazines?" Lister laced their fingers.

The hologram didn't notice and bowed his head, "They're disgusting… I'm disgusting, Lister…"

A hand touched the far side of his face, turning it to face him. 

"No yer not." Lister smiled weakly, "Yer not disgustin' man. There's nothing wrong with it."

"Yes there is! Everything is wrong with it! I'm meant to like women, get married, have kids! Be successful! But the only thought on my mind is straddling some bloke and pinning him to the bed." He sobbed out.

"Hey, isso okay, man." Lister rubbed his cheek with his thumb.

"Okay? Okay?! I don't want to be a homosexual, Lister, I never have but no matter how many smegging times my father forced me to get conversion therapy, or he beat me nothing changed! It just made me want it more." Tears silently streamed down his face.

"Rimmer," He cupped his cheek, "Man, there isn't anything wrong with it, trust me. It makes you different, so what? You're you. Not your father." 

The hologram closed his eyes and Lister leant in, hugging him, "Nothing wrong with you." He murmured into his ear.

Rimmer wrapped his arms around his bunkmate and held onto him like a drowning child. Lister kissed his cheekbone and cradled him.

"Yer a really strong guy, you know that?" Lister whispered, kissing him again.

"Am I?" His voice wavered.

"Yes. Yer smegging strong and brave, it doesn't matter who you like, just as long as you're happy." 

His bunkmate let out a sob and held him closer, "Thank you." He sniffled.

"Ya welcome." Lister gently guided the pair into a lying position and held him tighter, "C'mon, let's get some sleep, eh?"

"O- okay." 

Lister pressed a soft kiss to his lips, "goodnight."

"Night."


	52. You're not useless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer starts to revise again, doesn't he ever learn?
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING - Self Harm**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! This is the second fic :)
> 
> When I was copying and pasting this into Ao3, I was reading what I wrote and god I didn't realise how dark this shit was. I write everything in advance so I have loads of fics to publish so I'm not surprised I forgot what I wrote 🤷🏻♀️
> 
> Like i said on the last chapter, I have been given a few requests/prompts and I'm trying my hardest to write them because my motivational levels are pretty low at the moment.
> 
> I promise I haven't forgotten you, I'm working on it :)
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

Rimmer sat staring at his "Astronavigation for Dummies" copy on the table in front of him. Sure they were 3 million years into deep space but god, he wanted to pass. He wanted to prove he was someone, somebody. 

He had been staring at the same page for the past fifteen minutes and it still didn't make sense, the words seemed to swim all over the page.

It was three am for smegs sake. He should be sleeping but the thought of him never achieving anything in life toyed at his mind.

A thought danced across his mind, 'Disgrace. Humiliation.'

Rimmer winced.

'You're so thick it makes the mentally challenged look smart.'

Why was he telling himself this?

'Go on. Cut yourself and cry. No one's going to care.'

He bit his lip and shook his head.

'Bastard. (Insert the f slur here).'

The hologram stood up abruptly and launched the book across the room. Rimmer slumped back down and buried his face in his palms, weeping.

Someone stirred in the top bunk, "Rimmeh?" The Scouse accent slurred.

"And that's how--" sniffle, "the mass of an object--" sniffle, "is how much matter--" sniffle, "of an object there is!" He let out a particularly loud sob, hunching over the table.

"Rimmeh, man, are ya crying?" Lister softly spoke from his bed.

"So in other words--" sniffle, "I do know what--" sniffle, "I'm on about!" 

"Rimmer?" 

"Ah, Lister! Sorry to wake you." He clapped his hands together, sitting back down in his chair.

"What the smeg man..?" He whispered, climbing off of the bed.

"What are you doing? Where are you going?" Rimmer's voice wavered.

Lister pulled out a chair beside him and sat down.

"Still don't know what you're doing, gimboid." He bit his lip, holding back tears.

"You okay, man?"

"Okay? I'm tickety boo! I'm fine!" He grinned, a tear trickling down his cheek.

"What happened?" His bunkmate frowned.

"What are you on about, you mindless cretin?" 

"Yer crying." 

"I am doing no such thing!" Rimmer snapped.

"What's wrong, man?" Lister took his hand, before Rimmer yanked it away.

"What's wrong with YOU?!" The hologram stood up and stormed over to his bed, throwing himself in, facing the wall. He could hear shifting behind him.

"Astro Navigation, simplified." Lister read aloud.

"What the smeg do you think you're doing, mi'laddo?!" He flipped over.

"You studying, again? What's wrong with yer man!" 

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"We're 3 million years away from earth, the whole crew have been dead for the past six years, why are you studying?!" 

Rimmer whimpered.

"Ah smegging hell." Lister walked over and knelt by his bunk mate's bed.

"I just want to prove I'm somebody…" He winced.

Lister took a deep breath. If Rimmer was opening up to him, something was wrong.

"I'm useless, Lister. I show less importance than an appendix."

"Yer not useless."

"Don't try and flatter me. I am. I'm a stupid, bent, prick who always has been a disappointment to his family."

"I'm sorry… did you just say?" Lister furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Pray tell, what are you on about?" The hologram raised an eyebrow.

"A 'stupid, BENT, prick'." He recited.

Rimmer went bright red.

"Does that mean, what I think that means?" 

"Of course it doesn't! I'm not sexually tilted, Lister." 

"Ya sure about that, guy?" He grinned.

"What are you implying?!" 

"That it makes sense! I mean, when have you ever had luck with a woman?" 

"Oh do shut up!"

"So are you bisexual or do you go the whole way?" 

"LISTER!" The hologram screeched out, tears streaming down his face.

"Oh smeg… Sorry, guy." He bit his lip. "I didn't mean to offend ya." 

"Please. Just leave it." Rimmer flipped back over, facing the wall again.

"Alright… night man."

"Hmph."

Lister sighed, climbing the ladder into his own bed. 

Little did he know, the night was far from over.

\-------------------------------------------------

"Dave."

….

"Dave."

…

"Dave, wake up." 

…"Hmungh?"

"Wake up, Dave."

"Huh?" Lister groaned, opening his eyes to see the concerned face of the ship's computer being projected onto his bunkwall. "Oh eh? Whatcha doing here Holl?"

"Dave get out of bed. Hurry."

"What? Why man?"

"Bathroom. Go into the bathroom, please."

"Why man?"

"No time to explain! Just do it!" Holly bit his lip, impatiently.

"Alright alright, let me wake up properly."

"No!" He hissed through gritted teeth, "Get in there now."

"Or what?"

"I don't want to even begin to think about 'what' if you don't get in there now."

Lister rolled his eyes, "Fine. I'll go into the bathroom." He slid off of the bed, letting his hot feet touch the cold floor. Lister made his way to the bathroom and noticed the light was on.

He went to open the door and heard pained cries coming from inside. Lister took a deep breath and pulled the door open.

Smeg.

Rimmer was sitting against the wall. He was in his boxers and pyjama shirt, crying.

"What the smeg man?" Lister frowned.

"Listy, I-" his voice broke.

He looked. Properly looked. It made his stomach churn, "HOLLY! GET RID OF IT! NOW!" 

The small blade in Rimmer's hand disintegrated.

"Oh smeg! Smeg smeg smeg!" Lister rushed over and sat down beside his bunkmate.

"Listy--" He blubbered, trying to compose himself.

"Oh smeg!" Lister stared at his bunkmate's cut thighs. "Oh god! Oh god!"

"Lister, it's fine." He managed, "The blood is simulated."

"So what?! Ya've cut yerself!" He began to panic, "How?!"

Rimmer bowed his head in shame, "Holoblade… they can leave a sort of mark on hardlight holograms… not that deep but it does the trick." 

"Oh smeg!" Tears streamed down Lister's face as he pulled into bunkmate into his arms.

"Don't cry, Lister. I'm fine."

"Fine? Fine?! Yer not smegging fine, Rimmer, are ya?!" He pressed his lips against the metalic H on his bunkmates head. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you do this?"

"I- I deserved this." He mumbled.

"No ya don't! Sure you're a downright smeghead at times but yer never--" his voice broke and he began to play with Rimmer's curls.

"I didn't realise you were going to take it like this." Rimmer sighed.

"Smeg!" Lister's voice broke again and he kissed his bunkmate's lips softly.

The hologram gently pulled away, bewildered.

"Smeg… no, Arnie, I would never want this!"

"You don't…?"

Lister pressed their mouths together again, "I love ya too smegging much, man."

The hologram blushed violently, "You… love me?"

"Oh smeg, Arnie, I love you so much. I didn't know how to tell ya!"

The hologram softly cried, hugging Lister tightly, "I love you so much, Listy… I was so scared of letting you down… I just wanted you to want me…" 

"Huh?" He quietly replied.

"I thought, if I became an officer, you'd want me." He sniffled.

Lister kissed him again, "I've always wanted ya, man." 

The hologram smiled weakly, "I can get Holly to deal with these cuts." 

"Don't you ever, dare-" Lister winced.

"I won't, I promise."

\-------------------------------------------------

(Two weeks later) 

"Stop shifting." 

"Smeg off. This is my bunk." Rimmer growled in annoyance.

"Yeah? Well I'm the one cuddling yer in it!" 

"Oh really?" Rimmer pressed a chaste kiss to his bunkmate's lips.

"Smeghead." Lister rolled his eyes with a cheeky smile.

"Gimboid." He grinned.


	53. Pancakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer knows what it feels like to be low, so when he sees Lister in the same position, he does something that usually cheers himself up.
> 
> **A SMALL BIT OF SMUT**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're all well! 
> 
> Today's fic is just fluff (there is a teensy weensy little bit which clould possible count as soft smut but we're going to ignore that) 
> 
> Ao3 is playing up a bit so I hope this posts alright.
> 
> Enjoy!

"Listyyy!" Rimmer called from beside the sleeping Scouser.

"Hnmggh?" He groaned.

"You've been in bed all day! Get up!" He chirped.

"Smeg off man… not in the mood." 

"Gimboid, you're never in the mood."

"Rimmer, man, how do ya think I feel? 3 million years into smegging space, alone!" He snapped.

"I thought you were over this?" The hologram hissed.

"Over it? Over it?! Smeg off! I just had more important things to focus on." 

"Listy, please." The hologram whined.

"Why? Why Rimmer? Give me one good reason."

"I-- I cooked pancakes for you."

Lister frowned, "yer what?" 

"It's nothing, you know. I just cooked you some." He snapped, defensively.

"For me?" His bunkmate raised an eyebrow.

"Yes… for you." 

"Why?" 

"No reason." The hologram cleared his throat.

"Are you pulling me leg?" 

"No."

"Where are they?" He sat up.

"Erm I'll get Kryten to bring them up." He blushed and scuttled out of the room.

Lister stared at the bottom of his bed, did Rimmer seriously cook him pancakes? No. This had to be some elaborate prank.

The mechanoid proudly walked into the room, holding a plate with a food cloche on top.

The hologram followed closely behind, bright red.

The scouser sighed and slid off of his bunk, making his way over to the table.

Kryten pulled out a chair, letting Lister sit down.

"Krytes, man, is it safe to eat? It isn't poisoned or anything, right?" Lister raised an eyebrow.

"Not that I can detect, sir." He smiled, "sick bucket, is on standby." 

Rimmer bit his lip and began pacing.

The mechanoid placed the plate down in front of Lister and lifted the cloche, revealing a stack of pancakes. Kryten produced a small pot of sugar and a cut lemon, putting them on the table beside the stack.

"Holy smeg." Lister's jaw dropped and his eyes widened.

The hologram continued to pace.

"Bon appetit." Kryten smiled, taking a few steps back.

Lister picked up the lemon, squeezing it before sprinkling some sugar on top. He picked up his fork and used it to cut through the thick, cakey pancake. He cut a large chunk out before ramming it into his mouth.

Rimmer pulled a face of disgust and annoyance.

"Is everything alright, sir?" Kryten anxiously spoke from behind.

"I- this…" Lister stammered.

"How bad is it?" The hologram bowed his head.

Lister grinned and shoved the rest of the top pancake into his mouth, "MmhfgjjhhHhH!" He spoke with spit slightly dribbling out of his mouth.

Rimmer frowned, "What?"

He chewed a bit before swallowing, "This is amazing." 

His eyes widened, "Are you serious?" 

"This is amazing! This… this is- fantastic!" His eyes widened and he began to scoff down another.

"Sir, are you sure you're alright?" Kryten appeared at his side.

Lister gave a thumbs up and with a full mouth, grinned, "You can go now Krytes."

"Are you… sure?" 

"Yup!"

"Okay… yes sir." The mechanoid reluctantly nodded before scuttering away.

Lister squeezed more lemon onto the remaining 3 pancakes before coating them in a thick pile of sugar.

Rimmer bit his lip, "Are you sure they're alright?"

"Of course! This is amazing!" He grinned, mouth filled with pancakes.

The hologram weakly smiled and sat down beside Lister.

"When did you learn to cook? Cuz I remember you tried to cook for us once and we nearly all died of food poisoning."

Rimmer rolled his eyes, "It's not easy to cook when you can't touch anything, gimboid."

"No but seriously… this is probably one of the best things I've ever eaten."

"Now you're pushing it."

"Am not! I love it!" Lister rammed another on into his mouth.

"Lister slow down! They're massive and you'll get indigestion!" Rimmer hissed.

The scouser smirked at him, "But they're so gooood! Why?"

"Why what?" He furrowed his brow.

"Well why'd ya cook these for me?" 

Rimmer shrugged.

"Don't give me that, man. I just wanna know."

The hologram sighed, "Whenever I feel… down… I cook pancakes. I saw you were feeling depressed again and well… I acted on instinct."

A tear rolled down Lister's cheek.

"I was worried I was failing at keeping you sane… I really was."

Lister dropped the fork and flung his arms around the hologram, hugging him tightly.

Rimmer squeaked.

"Thank you… thank you thank you." Lister sniffled.

"You're welcome." He paused and stared at the floor, making a choice up in his mind. With an extremely accuare Ace voice he turned baxk to face Lister, 

"I think I know something that might cheer you up..." Rimmer gently pulled him onto his legs, making Lister straddle him.

Lister stared down at his bunkmate "Very cliché." He smirked before closing the gap between them, their lips meeting.

Rimmer moaned softly as his hands began to search Lister's torso, fiddling with his pyjamas and sliding his hands beneath them, onto his smooth skin.

His bunkmate ran his tongue along Rimmer's bottom lip, teasing him.

The hologram opened his mouth, allowing Lister access inside. 

Soon enough, the kiss became a heated mess of tongues and lips.

"Mr Lister sir, is everything--" Kryten cheerfully called from the door.

Lister dug his fingers into Rimmer's soft curls, massaging his scalp with his fingertips.

The hologram gripped onto his bunkmate's hips and began to grind their groins together.

His bunkmate moaned in ecstasy as the movements became more firm and hard.

When Lister pulled away to breath he pressed their foreheads together.

"You know this is called frottage…" Rimmer murmured against his lips.

Lister giggled, "Smeghead. Just wait until I have my boxers off…"

Kryten, who was still standing like a statue in the doorway, let out a strangled scream.

Rimmer pulled back abruptly, the chair they were sitting on toppled backwards and the pair fell onto the floor.

"Smeg!" He hissed.

"You alright?" Lister grunted, sliding off of him.

"Smegging hell… I've just been crushed." He sat up, rubbing the back of his head.

"Ah sorry, guy." Lister gently checked Rimmer's head.

"Oh sirs?! What were you doing?!"

"Erm… Nothing, Krytes." The Scouser blushed.

"Nothing? You were straddling Mr Rimmer?! And committing Frottage!" He wailed.

"Can we please not talk about that?" Rimmer groaned.

"And then you said 'Just wait until I have my boxers off'! Oh why sir?! Why would you want to participate in sexual intercourse with Mr Rimmer?" The mechanoid whined.

Lister swore under his breath, "Erm… Because I love him… Krytes."

"What?!" Rimmer and Kryten said in unison.

"Yeah… he made me comfort food and smeg.." He smiled at his shocked bunkmate.

Tears welled in Rimmer's eyes and he smiled back, "I love you too."

"Sirs!" The mechanoid impatiently stamped his foot.

"Oh erm yeah." Lister turned his head back to Kryten, "Sorry man."

"I'm going to go wash my eyeballs. Please excuse me." He sobbed, running away.

"Lock!" Rimmer snapped as the doors closed.

"Well then. Where were we?" Lister grinned.

"You were just about to take your boxers off." Rimmer began to unbutton his jacket.

"Ah! Right."


	54. Swapped Roles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the Ratverse, where Rimmer returns after OUR Rimmer quantum skipped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm posting two mini fics this evening/night/early morning (holy shit I just realised the time) 
> 
> You'll have your normal 1k to 1.5k fic in the morning as per usual.
> 
> I wrote these two fics in 20-30 mins so I apologise for the let down 😅
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer came flying into the room. He slammed against the wa before stumbling backwards, gancing around in shock. 

"Oh Arnold! You're back!" A posh scouse accent purred from behind him.

The hologram spun around, his messy, greying curls swaying across his forehead, "What?" 

"You're back." Lister raised an eyebrow.

His bunkmate blinked at him, "Er yes." He shoved his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket and took out a packet of cigs, "I am."

"Enjoy… wherever you went?" The scouser smiled, picking up another vintage wire off of the table and inspecting it.

"Uh yeah. Fine." He shrugged, lighting a cigarette and placing it between his lips.

Lister sighed, getting up from the table.

Rimmer narrowed his eyes and started to back away, "Smeg off." 

"Come here, chap." His bunkmate pulled him into a tight hug, hiding the tinge of disgust that crossed his face.

"Oh heck! Lister! What the smeg are you doing?!" The hologram squirmed, desperately trying to get away from the scouser. 

Lister exhaled, tracing his fingers over the stitched patches on the leather jacket, "We met another version of you, Arnold." 

Rimmer frowned, "Did you?" 

"Yes, old chap, we did. He shared the same interest of vintage wires." He answered, rather disappointingly. 

"Eurgh. I refuse to believe there's a version of me who's a stuck up posh twat like YOU." He sneered, resting his chin on the scouser's head. 

Lister tutted, rolling his eyes.

The pair stood hugging in silence for a few moments, Rimmer slowly relaxing.

"...did you prefer him over me?" He whispered.

His bunkmate peeled away, looking up, "Of course I did, chap. I'd take anyone over the slobby mess you are." 

The hologram's face fell, "Oh." 

A smile danced across the scouser's mouth, "But you're still my favourite mess, old chap. I love having to clean you up." 

He brought his hand up to his face, running his thumb over his cheek and plucked the cigarette from his lips and pressed it out in the ashtray beside them on the table.

Rimmer blushed, "Smeghead."

They both stared into the other's eyes as the whole universe seemed to slow down. The duo moved inwards, their eyes now locked on it's target.

"AY DUDES WHAT'S POPPIN'." 

Within a second, the pair broke apart and turned away, "Mr Rat!" Lister huffed.

"Ay what we doing?! Oh hey, look who's back!" The Rat grinned, running over and engulfing Rimmer into a massive hug.

"Omf!" 

The scouser bit his lip anxiously, "Mr Rat can we help you by any chance?"

"Oh yeah! I want snuggles!" He squealed, rocking the hologram violently in his arms. 

"I- I can give you snuggles later!" Rimmer screamed out, gasping for air.

"Now! Everyone on G deck is waiting, dude!" He insisted.

"Arnold will be down in a minute." Lister sighed, shaking his head.

"Good! I'll see you in five!" The rat let go and danced out of the room.

"Smegging hell!" Rimmer groaned, messing his tangly curls.

"Tsk!" His bunkmate brushed his fingers over the hologram's curls, attempting to neaten them.

"Gerroff!" 

Lister smirked before placing a soft kiss onto Rimmer's lips, "When you come back later, we can talk over a bottle of champ." 

Rimmer screwed up his nose in disgust, "Lager?" 

"Of course, old chap." 

"You comin?!" Rat popped his head around the corner. 

"Yes! Yes! I'm coming." Rimmer sighed, taking off out the room.

The scouser sighed with contentment, shaking his head as he chuckled to himself. It wouldn't be the same without this Arnold.


	55. Loving all of yous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A common occurance for the Rimmer who lives in the Universe with all the Lister clones (that one short scene in Skipper)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> Like I said on the last fic, you'll have your normal fic in the morning :) 
> 
> I'm sorry this isn't that great, I wrote them both in 20-30 mins whilst watching boxing in a room with some family friends.
> 
> I hope they're okay?
> 
> This has to be one of the shortest fics I've ever wrote, apologies again.
> 
> Enjoy!

"RIMMMMMEEEEERRRRR." A voice screamed.

The half asleep hologram groaned, a stubby hand over his mouth.

"SMEG OFF!" The same scouse voice screamed from the bottom of the bed.

"I honestly don't know why I stay." Rimmer sighed. 

"Cuz you love us, smeghead." A third voice slurred from beside him on the pillow. 

"RIMMMMMEERRR!" 

"SMEG OFF NUMBER SIX. HE'S OURS TODAY." 

The hologram groaned, shuffling under the duvet.

A dead weight between his legs groaned and flipped over, looking up at him.

"Lister, why are your clones possibly worse than you? I didn't think they could be worse but they are!" He hissed. 

The scouser chuckled, crawling upwards until he could rest his face on the hologram's chest. 

"Lister, you goit, can't you do something to stop them… bidding over me?!" 

The original rolled his eyes, "No can do, they love yeh as much as I do." 

"I'm in bed with you and two clones of you! I don't even remember which one of you I did it with last night!" 

"It was definitely me." Lister grunted, "Me arse is killin' me." 

The clone beside him on the pillow reached down and pulled the hologram up and out from under the sheets, "You've spent enough time with 'im." He slurred.

Rimmer frowned in disgust, "HE'S the original. He gets more love than you lot."

The Lister who was sitting up on the edge of the bed rolled his eyes in annoyance, "Smeghead."

\-------------------------------------------------

The hologram glanced around, finally it was just him and HIS Lister. 

"Move over, smeghead." The scouser tutted, sliding onto the sofa beside him, taking Rimmer's arms and wrapping them around his own waist. 

His lover smiled, pressing a kiss on his right temple.

"Oh eh! Yer watchin' a film!" A voice chirped from behind them.

"Oh for smegs sake." The hologram groaned.

The clone dived over the back of the sofa, flopping down beside the pair on the sofa.

"Can't get a moment alone, can we, eh?" Original Lister sighed, leaning back into Rimmer's embrace.

"GUYS! WE'RE WATCHIN' A FILM!" Clone Lister screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Oh for smegs sake, Lister, control yourselves." 

"In a min, I'm comfy here." 

The hologram growled in annoyance as multiple other Listers squeezed themselves onto the small sofa, each trying to touch Rimmer. 

"Sorry." The original chuckled. 

Rimmer narrowed his eyes - his words could wait. Boy, Lister was in for it. 

Well... that's what he'd been saying for the past few years, 'Lister you're in for it! You gimboid!' Yet each and every time, his lover managed to persuade him into letting them stay. 

God, he really would do anything for Lister.


	56. Most Valued Possession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set post-Entangled (s10)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I said I'd be posting a normal fic today but honestly I'm not in the mood to post an angst, sorry.
> 
> So instead have this bittersweet fic :)
> 
> Enjoy!

Lister slunked into the bunkroom, glancing around as he found Rimmer sat at the table with his head in his hands.

"You okay?" 

"Smeg off." The hologram grumbled.

"What's wrong?" He sat down beside him.

Rimmer looked up and pulled a face of disgust before shuffling away a little.

"Awh come on, you can talk to me."

"I don't want to talk to you, gimboid." He picked up his pen and scribbled a few things down on the 'Risk Assessment Form Admin'.

"Look… I'm sorry." He reached out to take his hand.

Rimmer stopped writing, yanked his hand away and glared up at him, "You don't even know what you're apologising for."

Lister groaned, "Well if ya told me, maybe I'd know?" 

"If I told you? Lister, for smegs sake, you nearly- no you lost me in a game of poker." He frowned.

"Ya still upset about that? I thought ya were sulking about Irene." Lister furrowed his brow.

"Of course I'm not bothered by that-" He winced.

"What?" The scouser frowned.

"For smegs sake, I don't even like women!" He cried out before clamping his hands over his mouth.

Lister stared at him before repeating what he had previously said, "What?" 

"Forget everything I said!" Rimmer abruptly stood up, sending his chair toppling down. "I need air." He swiftly stepped aside before being blocked.

"You don't even breathe!"

"You know what I mean!" He screamed at him, hugging himself, before he crumpled to the floor. "Smeg… smeg…"

"Hey, it's alright, man." Lister sat down in front of him.

"Go away, Lister."

"No way, man."

"Just leave me alone!" He shuffled backwards.

A few moments passed.

Lister sighed and looked over at his bunkmate, "I'm really sorry about the poker."

No response.

"I didn't mean it to happen like that…" 

"Like what? What did you expect to happen? Lister they were going to rape me senseless! You heard what they said!" He scoffed.

The scouser groaned, "I mean… I didn't think I'd lose ya."

"What am I? Some pointless object for your own bidding? Would you like my smegging lightbee?!" He snapped.

"No! No! For smegs sake, no!" 

"Do I mean that much to you? That you gamble me away because I'm that useless?!" Tears filled his eyes before he blinked them away.

"Don't cry-" Lister spoke softly, "please, don't cry."

"Smeg off. Why do you care if I cry or not?"

"Because I care about ya, man!" 

"Please, just rub it in. You don't care about me." 

"I traded ya because yer the most valuable thing to me! I told the GELFs that. I said I'd give them my most valued possession if I won the next round." 

The hologram remained silent but looked up at him.

"I'm so sorry." 

Rimmer sniffled and wiped his eyes with the base of his palm.

"Oh come 'ere." Lister crawled over and hugged him, "I'm sorry… I'm so so sorry." 

His bunkmate pressed his head into Lister's chest as he was engulfed into his embrace.

"I'm so sorry." He murmured against his hair. The scouser felt thin arms wrap around him and he hugged tighter. "I would've done anything if it meant winning you back, ya know that?" 

Rimmer shook his head.

"You keep me going… you keep me sane. Of course I'd do anythin for ya."

A few moments passed.

'I don't even like women' the thought suddenly reappeared in Lister's head.

"What did ya mean by ya don't like women?" 

Rimmer tensed up again and pulled away, "Isn't it obvious?" 

The scouser furrowed his brow, "Not really, no."

"I'm bent." He dropped his head.

Lister stared at him, his jaw dropping.

"If it bothers you-"

"How the smeg did I not realise this?! We've shared a bunk for… how long?!" His jaw dropped.

"What are you on about?" Rimmer frowned.

"How didn't I know you were gay?!"

"Well I'm not exactly proud of it. I don't like showing people because I'm scared they're going to leave me. and Irene… well I think I was just desperate." He sighed.

"We'll you can count me out. I'm neva going to leave ya."

Rimmer smiled at him, sincerely.

Lister dived forward and cupped the sides of his face before pressing a chaste kiss on his lips.

The hologram's eyes widened, "The smeg?"

"Yer so gorgeous." He laughed, kissing him again.

"Are you messing with me, Lister?" He frowned.

"No! Of course not." He kissed his H, pressing his lips against the cool metalic H.

Tears formed in Rimmer's eyes and he dived forward, hugging him tightly.

"I love ya." Lister nuzzled into the side of his face.

"I love you too."


	57. Cold Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer and Lister find themselves locked in a room on a derelict

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I promise I'll post an angst soon, I'm just too tired to read through one to see whether a trigger warning is needed (my sleep schedule is messed up). 
> 
> I really hope my fics are still okay for you guys and not too repetitive or boring.
> 
> Enjoy!

"We're locked in for smegs sake." Rimmer kicked the door violently.

Lister shivered, "Why did we even come in here?"

"YOU wanted to come in."

"Yeah well I didn't think the door was gonna slam shut, did I?!"

He kicked the door again before hissing in pain.

"It's not going to budge, Rimmeh."

"Oh do shut up!" Rimmer snarled at him.

"Just telling the truth." He shrugged.

The hologram sighed and stormed into a corner of the room before slumping down.

"You okay?" Lister murmured from the opposite corner.

"Hunky Dory! Tickety boo!" Rimmer snapped at him, "Lister, I'm claustrophobic!" 

"Yer claustrophobic? So am I! Get over it!" 

Rimmer pressed his forehead against the wall and hugged his knees.

"Look, I'm sorry man."

"Smeg off! I don't want your apologies." 

"Oh grow up, Rimmer! Maybe that's why ya've never gotten anywhere in life, because ya won't smegging grow up!" Lister screamed at him.

There was a long silence.

Rimmer let out a gentle sob, which he evidently tried to cover up.

"Are ya… crying?" 

"Leave me alone!" Rimmer screamed out.

The scouser paused. He'd gone too far. Oh smeg. How had he managed to go too far?

"Oh smeg- I'm so sorry-" He walked over.

"Get away from me!" Rimmer pressed himself further into the corner, hoping to just disappear.

"I'm sorry man-"

"I hope my lightbee burns out."

"RIMMER!" Lister cries out.

The teary-eyed hologram looked up at his bunkmate, who was also crying.

"What the smeg happened to us?" Rimmer sighed, bowing his head.

"I- I don't know." The scouser crouched down in front of him.

Silence, once again.

"I missed ya."

"What are you on about?"

"You go down to the diesel decks and well… I get lonely, y'know."

Rimmer looked up at him, "If you're trying to purposely make me feel bad-"

"No! No! No!" Lister bit his lip, "I missed you so smegging much- I laid in your bunk- I missed you-" Tears flooded down his face.

Rimmer felt himself go numb, "I thought- I thought you wanted me gone- That's why I left!" 

The pair stared at each other, both silently crying.

"I'm sorry-"

"I'm sorry too."

The both quickly dived forward and gripped onto each other.

"Oh smeg smeg smeg." Lister sobbed into his chest.

Rimmer wrapped his legs around him, holding him in place as he pressed his forehead against the scouser's hair.

They sat crying for a few more minutes until Lister looked up into his eyes, "You keep me sane. You keep me going. I don't know what I'd do without you-" 

Rimmer kissed him. It was unexpected, but welcomed.

Sure, the two hated each other but deep down… they loved each other more than they liked to think.

"Goit- I'm such a goit-" Rimmer sobbed as they pressed their foreheads together.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister woke up shivering, still locked in the dark room.

Rimmer stirred from beside him, "hmungh? Where am I?" He groaned.

"Rimmer!" Lister whispered shuffling into him.

"Are you okay?" The hologram blinked, waking himself up as he took his cold bunkmate into his arms.

"Just a bit cold." He shivered.

Rimmer wrapped his hand over Lister's and guided it against his own chest, before going through the projection.

Lister's eyes widened, he knew how much Rimmer had hated things fiddling with his projection when he was a softlight hologram, being hardlight must be even weirder to feel. It was a weird feeling… like when you sleep on your arm and it goes numb sort of feeling.

"Isn't this uncomfortable?" Lister's brow furrowed.

"Only a little." Rimmer shrugged, staring as his bunkmate's hand remained inside his chest as he brought the other one up to greet it.

"If ya want me to stop I can-"

"You're cold. Shut the smeg up." 

"Yeah but yer uncomfortable-"

Rimmer leant inwards and kissed him again.

"I shouldn't have ran away."

"Why are you apologising?! I've done so much worse to you-"

"But I forgive you." He wet his lips.

Lister sunk into his lap and sighed, "I forgive ya as well, y'know?" 

The corners of Rimmer's mouth turned up a little.

"Gimboid."

The scouser couldn't help but let out a small laugh, then he realised he was so much, more, hotter. The occasional brush of Rimmer's lightbee against his fingertips made him shudder.

"I'm smeggin tired." He yawned.

Rimmer shuffled downwards a little before lowering him onto his chest.

"Ya don't need to-"

"I want to feel you." He murmured, stroking his hair.

"If ya sure." Lister rubbed his face against the hologram's chest.

"Perfectly sure."

\-------------------------------------------------

"Listy…" A quiet voice whispered into his ear, "Listy."

"Hm?" The scouser lifted his head and glanced around.

Kryten and Cat stood in the doorway.

"Guys!" He blinked, his eyes adjusting to the brightness

"Bud!" Cat grinned.

"What's going on?" He winced, lifting his head from Rimmer's chest.

"I'd like to ask you two the same!" He frowned.

Kryten shook his head, "Sir it'll be best if I carry you back… after all… you've been locked in a freezer for over twelve hours."

The scouser's hand touched the cold floor and he let out a shudder, a pair of much stronger hands kept him stable whilst Kryten scooped him off of the ground.

"Be careful with him!" Rimmer hissed, following behind.

"I know what I'm doing, Mr Rimmer, sir." Kryten rolled his eyes as they walked out of the room.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister stirred as a hand gently pulled him closer. His eyes slowly half opened and he glanced down at the electric blanket which he was wrapped in. 

Someone shifted behind him and he moved his head to see the hologram slowly waking up, "Listy?"

"How come I'm in your bunk?" He smiled, acknowledging the leg that was draped over him.

"Too heavy." He slurred, lowering his head back into the pillow.

Lister flipped over and nested into his chest. The hologram smoothed his back.

"Night Rimsy."

"Goodnight Listy."


	58. Thunderstorms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentines day can always been a heart break when you loved someone once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Lookkkk an angst fic!!! 
> 
> This one isn't that great (apologies) but I hope it's alright. 
> 
> Lol this fic-set is probably really boring by now, thank you guys so much for still reading - if you are.
> 
> Also apologies for the late upload, I've been binging Dinnerladies and Keeping Up Appearances all day :)
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer's sad lightbee lay in the grass of the botanical garden. The sprinklers on the ceiling was making it pour whilst the lighting was lowered, like a thunderstorm

"RIMMMERRR!" Lister screamed, running into the rain.

The bee flashed a little.

"RIMMER MAN, WHERE ARE YOU?!" He slid in a pile of mud and toppled down and across the grass. "For smegs sake!" He groaned, picking himself up from the wet ground.

A few feet away lay the sad little lightbee.

"Rimmer?! Rimmer!" He dived forward, crawling through the now muddy grass until he reached the bee. Tears filled his eyes and he pressed the on button.

Luckily, the bee lit up and Rimmer's form appeared.

"Rimmeh!" Listed scrambled to his feet as the hologram stood staring into nothingness.

"Why am I back on…?" He touched his chest weakly.

"What?!"

"I switched myself off… why am I back on?" He began to finatically grab himself.

Lister grabbed him by the wrists but he kept trying to hit himself, the pair tusselled for a moment before toppling into the grass.

Rimmer's soft hair was soaking and caked in mud as he kicked out at Lister, rolling in the drenched grass.

Lister pinned him to the ground as the rain grew heavier, "Stop it!"

"No!" Rimmer cried out.

The scouser could've sworn his bunkmate was crying but didn't want to make matters worse.

"Stop hurting yourself!" Lister screamed.

"Leave me alone!" Rimmer kicked him in the stomach, making him let go and roll to the side wincing and cringing in pain. "Oh smeg. I'm- I'm so sorry." He went to touch him but pulled his hand away.

"No! It's fine man." He blinked away the pain and got back onto his knees, looking at the frail hologram's face. "Heh, you barely ever apologise."

He sighed and looked away before moving his hand towards his chest.

Lister grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together.

"What are you doing?"

"What are YOU doing?"

"I'm… switching myself off." He gulped.

"Why?!"

"Because you don't need me." He looked away.

"What…?" Lister's frown deepened.

"If I went missing, if I disappeared, would you even care?" He snapped.

"Yes! Why do ya think I went looking for ya?"

He paused.

"Rimmer for smegs sake… why do you think I wouldn't care?" 

"No one's ever cared before." What could've been a tear rolled down his cheek.

"Oh ya daft smegger, of course I care about you. You're part of the posse! The boys from the Dwarf!"

"I'm not though, am I? You don't even like me." 

Lister's heart broke into a million pieces, "Oh course I like ya!" He cried out in protest.

"Don't lie to me Lister. Everyone hates me because I'm weaselly and whiney and utterly useless." 

"No yer not!" Lister glanced down at their still linked hands.

Rimmer looked down, "I'm nothing."

Lister brushed wet curls off of his forehead and began to massage his hairline with his thumb, "Yer gonna get cold out here."

"So?" 

"I'll get cold as well." He smirked, hoping to get something from the Hologram.

Rimmer zipped off his jacket, "Put this on." He grumbled.

The jacket was soaked through but Lister obliged anyway.

"Better?" 

"It's wet."

"Oh.. right." Rimmer gently touched the crest and the jacket seemed to get hotter until… It was dry?

"What the smeg?"

"Simulated clothing. I prefer it to be realistic so I don't like it being waterproof." He shrugged.

"Thanks man." Lister stared at his wet t-shirt.

The pair sat in silence as the rain continued to pour.

"Rimmer… I know this isn't the time or day to ask but… have you ever had an actual girlfriend before?" He hugged himself.

The hologram closed his eyes slowly, "No." 

"Sorry…" Lister shuffled beside him, "I know that's the reason you ran away." 

"Hm?"

"You're upset about not being good enough for anyone." 

"Oh smeg off!" He sobbed out.

"Hey… it's fine man." He wrapped his arm around the hologram's upper back and pulled him in close.

Rimmer let out a cry and bowed his head in shame, "I did love someone once." 

"Uh huh?" The scouser watched him intently.

"I loved them more than anything and they just… left me."

Lister frowned a little, "If ya don't mind me asking.."

"Tod- smegging- hunter." He spat out.

"Erm what?"

"I loved him so much. I needed him and he just-" he punched the grass, "Why did I let myself feel something?" 

"Todhunter?" 

"Yes!" 

"Hold on am I missing something? He was married and--"

"I was new. Only been here a few weeks and well… he asked me out for a drink." Rimmer shrugged.

"Just a drink? That was it?" Lister furrowed his brow.

"Just a drink?! Lister, we had sex nearly everyday."

The scouser remained silent, trying to process what was happening.

"You…? Todhunter…?"

"Yes. Is that hard to understand?"

"Yes! It is actually."

"I was naive, desperate to do anything to move up the chain. Looking back, he took advantage of my greeness but… I loved the git. I really, really loved him." 

Lister was lost for words.

"But that was a long time ago." He shrugged.

"How long did it last…?" He stammered.

"Two years maybe? Then he became a First technician and I was left behind." 

"Right." 

"Why am I telling you this..?"

"I- I'm not quite sure, man."

"Smeg." He grumbled.

"Hey erm… I didn't know ya were into guys." 

The corners of Rimmer's mouth turned up a little, "It's true."

"Wow…" 

"Hm?"

"You're the furthest from Camp person I thought I knew." He stared in disbelief.

"Yup. I'm as bent as they get." He shrugged, "Does it bother you?"

"No it's just… I'm a bisexual myself."

"I'm not surprised." his faint smile turned into a smirk.

"You're not?"

"I have watched you kiss Peterson multiple times whilst you were drunk, Lister."

"Oh… right."

Rimmer looked up at him, and stared into his eyes, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Giving me the opportunity to talk to someone."

"Ah yer welcome man."

Rimmer leant inwards and softly kissed him before pulling away.

The rain continued to pour.

A smug grin appeared on Lister's face before he tackled Rimmer into the wet grass, covering him with kisses.

"Happy Valentines, Rimsy."


	59. Nothing Like Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Cat takes an insult too far, Rimmer finds himself in a dark place.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! So when I was skimming this fic to see what warnings I would need it really caught me off guard- hope you're all doing well at the moment.
> 
> Thank you all so so much for the love and support you all give my work, I really don't deserve it.
> 
> Enjoy!

"Mr Cat has a point sir, one if you should move quarters." Kryten tutted.

"Come on Krytes, there's nothing wrong with Rimmer and I sharing a quarters."

"But sir! He's such a bad influence on you." 

"Bad influence?" Rimmer frowned.

"Listen here, Mr Gazpacho, you're the depressing weasel who's going to make Dormouse face ill!" Cat chided.

The hologram winced, turning away.

"Smegging hell!" Lister turned his attention to his bunkmate.

A moment or two passed by.

"Fine. I'll move." He bit his lip, holding in tears.

"From what I've heard, non-bud, you're just like your dad! A failure!" Cat laughed, not thinking about what he was saying.

"Oh Mr Cat's right on that one!" The mechanoid chirped before stopping, realising what was said, "Oh sir-"

Rimmer bent over and began to hyperventilate.

"Ah smeg smeg smeg!" Lister crouched at his side.

"Don't touch me!" Rimmer screamed, backing away, "Stay the smeg away from me."

"Oh smeg-" Lister stared into his eyes.

"Fine. You win. I'll move quarters." Tears filled his eyes, "fine. Toodle Pipski!" He ran out of the drive room and legged it down the corridor.

The three stood in silence and Holly stared at Lister, not saying a word.

"What have ya done?" Lister spun around.

"Hm?" Cat looked up from his nails.

"WHAT THE SMEG HAVE YA DONE?!" Lister screamed.

"Oh sir! I'm so sorry! I'll just go commit suicide." Kryten wailed.

"Nothin, bud. Just looking out for you."

"No. Stay here and make sure this…" He clenched his mouth shut and ran out of the room.

Holly disappeared and sighed. This was bad. He had to look after Arnold… if Dave couldn't then he had to. That was the problem, wasn't it? Dave had been looking after the hologram for the last week or so because he was going through a low patch… the others thought Arnold was being clingy and that's when the situation escalated.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister ran into the bunkroom, watching the hologram pick up a few of his things.

"No!" He ran over.

"Lister, let it go!" Rimmer snapped.

"No! I won't let it! I promised you-"

"Smeg off." He picked up his pillow and went to storm out of the room.

His bunkmate grabbed his shoulder, "Please!"

"Leave it, Lister. I'll just make you ill." He pulled away and walked out.

Time seemed to stop.

"No-" Lister crumpled, falling to his knees, he promised him. He said he would look after him and now the only time they spoke to each other would be non existent. 

"I promised to look after him." Tears dripped down his face.

"Dave." Holly spoke softly.

"Yes?" He turned his head, sniffling.

"I'll keep you posted. I'll look after him for you." He smiled.

"Thanks man."

\-------------------------------------------------

It had been a week. Lister lay curled up in the hologram's old bunk, sucking his thumb. He'd cried tears of guilt for the past 7 days. Nothing was happening anymore. Somehow, Rimmer had managed to find somewhere onboard where Holly had no jurisdiction, meaning, no one knew where he was or if he was okay.

Lister pulled Rimmer's blanket up to his nose, inhaling the smell… Was this weird?

The door slid open and Cat pranced in.

"What the smeg are you doing here?!" Lister pulled the blanket right up close to him, as if he was protecting it.

"My routine! I've put it off for the last few days- hey monkey! Get out of his bunk! I wanna nap there." Cat put his hands on his hips.

"Smeg off and leave me alone." He pulled the blanket even closer.

Cat rolled his eyes and walked over to the edge of the bed, about to get in before Lister shoved him down.

"Hey!"

"Smeg off!"

"No!"

"You know what? You're so thick it won't make any difference." He picked up the blanket, wrapping himself in it before storming out of the bunk room.

Cat frowned in confusion before shrugging, sliding into the bed.

Just as Lister reached the door he stopped, "Why?"

"Why what, bud?"

"Why did you say Rimmer was like his dad?" He turned his head to look at the Cat.

"Because it was the only way to get him to leave!" He grinned.

"I hope someone burns your suits." Lister left.

"Damn. I was just helping him." Cat sighed.

\-------------------------------------------------

"Dave…" A quiet voice came from the screen.

Lister spun around, "Yeah?"

"Arnold told me not to tell you where he was but.." He paused and winced, "He's in a bad state." 

"What do ya mean, bad state?"

"Well… The room he's staying in… the bathroom is a blind spot… I can't see what's going on."

"Yeah?" Fear crept in his voice.

"Arnold's been cutting himself for the last 7 days and now he's asking to be switched off." 

Lister's knees nearly gave in, "Where is he?" 

"Captain's Quarters." 

He didn't need telling twice. Lister ran as fast as his legs could take him.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister threw himself at the door, letting it smash against the wall. He rushed into the bathroom to see Rimmer standing with his head down and hands on the worktop.

"Rimmer!" Lister choked out.

The hologram was startled and stood up straight, spinning around to face his bunkmate.

"Oh god." Lister ran forwards and pulled him into a hug. He found himself crying into his chest.

Rimmer gripped onto him tightly sobbing as well.

"Oh smeg smeg smeg." Lister screamed against his frail body, "What have ya done to yerself?" 

His bunkmate was in too much of a state to talk, he just held onto Lister tightly and cried.

"Come 'ere." The scouser guided them out of the bathroom, eyeing the holoblade on the worktop as they left.

They shuffled over to the still made bed, clearly Rimmer hadn't slept here.

"Come on, lay down." Lister spoke softly sliding onto the bed beside the hologram.

Rimmer curled into a foetal position and snuggled into Lister, still crying.

"I'm never going to smegging let you go. I promise." He kissed the top of his head before cradling him. If they were going to talk, Rimmer had to be with it.

"Listy.." He croaked, looking up at him.

"Yeah man?"

"I missed you."

Lister's heart broke all over again and he began to cry. He pulled Rimmer to a proper hug and held him until he fell asleep.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer woke up slowly, his head was surprisingly not throbbing. He looked down to see the sleeping Scouser still wrapped around him. Tears formed in his eyes and he pressed his forehead against Lister's gently.

His bunk mate's eyes fluttered open and he smiled at him.

"You alright?" He spoke softly.

Rimmer nodded, "A lot better now that you're here." 

Lister nuzzled their noses together and stroked his cheek, "We'll always be here for each other."

"Always." The hologram leant in wards and pressed his lips against Lister's 

His bunkmate let out a soft gasp as Rimmer opened his mouth, allowing his tongue inside.

"I love you." Lister stared into his eyes and smiled.

"I love you more, goit."

A massive grin appeared across his face and he kissed Rimmer's H.

The hologram was startled by the touch at first but soon started to enjoy it.

"You insulted me. It's good to have ya back." Lister kissed him again.

A tear rolled down Rimmer's face and he clung onto Lister.

The scouser whispered sweet nothings into his hair, stroking and smoothing his back.

"Lister.. about what Cat said…"

"No. He was wrong. He doesn't know anythin, man. You're nothing like your father. Nothing at all." He smiled down at him and pressed their foreheads together once more, "Yer you and I love you."

"I love you more." Rimmer grinned through tears.

"Smeghead."

"Gimboid."

He softly kissed his lips, breathing against them.

"I love ya to earth and back." 

Rimmer smiled and laughed, snuggling into him, "Oh yeah? Well I love you across every single dimension there is." 

"How the smeg did we go from hating each other to loving each other?"

Rimmer shrugged, "I honestly don't know."

"Well I like it anyway."

"So do I."


	60. Uniform

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say you should never wash white clothing with red ones.
> 
> In this case it was a blue uniform and a vibrant red suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyonee!! I hope you're all doing well :)
> 
> Thank you so much for the requests/recommendations on the last chapter, I'm working on it, I promise! 
> 
> It means so much that you guys give me so much love <3 thank you again!
> 
> Oh and Rimmer's wearing that same green outfit as he did in Polymorph in this (until he puts his uniform on)
> 
> Enjoy!

"Kryten, man, we're screwed." Lister bit his lip.

"Oh sir… it's his favourite uniform! What are we going to do?!" The mechanoid wailed.

"I'm going to neuter Cat, that's what."

"I don't understand, how did one of his suits end up in the wash?" Kryten stared at Rimmer's uniform.

"Oh smeg." Lister's face went blank.

"What is it sir?"

"I put it in… I spilt curry down it, and stuffed it in…" 

"Oh god! We're going to be killed!" Kryten sobbed.

"Okay… erm… We'll just act like nothing happened. Got it?" He gave a nervous smile.

"Are you sure that'll work, sir?" Kryten frowned at him.

"It's our best option, c'mon." 

"But it's a stupid idea! I mean, Mr Rimmer's uniform is blue not purple!" He folded his arms.

"I'll take full blame for it man."

Kryten hesitated before sighing, "Okay sir."

"Thanks Krytes." He picked up Rimmer's uniform and slipped out of the laundry room.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister rushed into the bunkroom and ran over to Rimmer's wardrobe. He had to be quick. He flung the door open and stuffed the uniform inside.

"Listy!" Rimmer cheerfully called from behind him.

The scouser spun around, slamming the door shut, "Oh erm hi."

"What are you doing you little.. space bum?" He gave a intrigued look.

"Oh erm not much… just about to get a lager. want one?"

"Tea for me, you know I don't drink lager." He smiled suspiciously, sitting on his bunk and picking up his book.

"Right… erm I'll be back." Lister ran out of the room.

"Gimboid." Rimmer whispered under his breath and stood up, Listed had been messing around with his clothes and he wanted to see what.

He walked over and opened the wardrobe, everything seemed normal until… oh smeg.

"For smegs sake!" Rimmer hissed, pulling out his now purple uniform. "Oh for-" He paused. Right then. If that little goit wanted to brush this off, defend Kryten, he wasn't going to let him see the last of it.

Rimmer marched into the bathroom and locked the door. He undid his trouser braces and pulled the purple tunic over his army green t-shirt before donning the rest of his uniform. Ah for smegs sake, this made him look even more gay than normal… not that anyone would know that of course.

The hologram sighed and raked his fingers through his hair, brushing out the gel. He floofed it up a bit and stared at himself… he felt… comfortable… no. He looked feminine. That was wrong. Smeg. He went to grab the hair gel from the counter when he heard the bunkroom door slide open.

Smeg smeg smeg. He didn't have time.

"Rimmer?" Lister called out.

The hologram began to hyperventilate. Calm down. He needed to calm down. Smeg. Ah smeg.

"Coming!" He replied automatically.

He was well and truly smegged. There was no time to smegging change.

The hologram walked over to the door and turned the handle before swinging the door open. He marched out in what would've been his pristine uniform.

Lister nearly dropped his can when he saw the hologram.

"Lister. Care to explain?" He put his hands on his hips and sneered.

"Ah… erm…"

"Erm… I accidently put one of Cat's suits in the wash with your uniform." 

"Why was it in the wash?! Doesn't he dry clean his suits?" 

"Yes but… I panicked. I accidently put curry down the front of it." 

"Right." He rolled his eyes.

"I'm really sorry man!" 

"Lister, are you aware this was my favourite uniform?" Rimmer hissed.

"Yes! And I'm really sorry!"

"So none of this was Kryten's fault?" He raised an eyebrow.

"No! It was all me." The scouser sighed.

Rimmer scowled at him.

"Is there anything I can do to make it up to ya?" Lister looked into his eyes.

"No. There isn't." He sneered and paced over to the mirror, staring at himself.

The pair stood in an uncomfortable silence.

"It suits ya." Lister finally spoke.

Rimmer's knees nearly gave way, "Sorry?" 

"The purple… it compliments your hair."

"Smeg off! What would you know about what suits me?!" Rimmer hid his face. God, he was blushing. 

"Not much but it makes you look nice." Lister shrugged.

"It makes me look bent, Lister." He rolled his eyes.

"Eh nothing wrong with that man." 

"Nothing wrong with being- are you serious?" He spun around.

"Please don't tell me you're homophobic." Lister stood up, ready for shit to go down.

"No. I'm not. I'm just saying, Lister, I am not gay!" He snapped.

"Jeez, calm down, I was only joking." 

Rimmer folded his arms.

"Anyway, there isn't anything wrong with it, if ya were."

"Well I'm not."

"Alright then." Lister shrugged, "I'm going to bed."

"Fine."

"Yeah… yeah fine." He drained the last of his lager before screwing the can up and lobbing it at the bin. He slid off of the table and walked into the bathroom.

Rimmer remembered his cup of tea but no longer wanted it. He turned back around and carried on staring at himself.

\-------------------------------------------------

**02:01 am**

Rimmer was back in the bathroom. Lister had been asleep for over an hour and he had just paced the bunkroom. He stared at himself.

He looked… comfortable. 

No! He shouldn't!

Lister said he looked nice.

No. He didn't! 

....but he did?

There was nothing wrong with being gay?

Yes! There was! 

He'd lived his whole life telling himself being gay was wrong, that he was a freak, but right now was his lowest point.

Rimmer bit his lip and gently poofed his hair more and more, making his curls exaggerated and fluffy. Damn it, what was he doing?!

Tears began to drip down his face. Damn it! Why was he so weak and pathetic? 

Memories flooded back. A seven year old Arnold playing with his mother's lipstick in her room… ah smeg! He remembered being beat by his father, who had found him.

He smashed his fist on the counter and slid onto the floor, sobbing.

Rimmer was too busy crying to hear and notice the bathroom door opening. Only when Lister sat down beside him did he realise he was no longer alone.

"Ah- Lister." He tried to compose himself.

"Eh it's alright man." He gently smoothed his forearm, "I'm really sorry about the uni--"

"It makes me look gay!"

"You don't look that gay-"

"Lister I am gay!" He screamed out and paused, realising what he said. Rimmer went to dive away but Lister grabbed him and held him in place.

"Calm down and tell me what's goin on man." 

The hologram winced, "Lister… I'm as gay as they get… I'm bent!" He sobbed out.

To his surprise, Lister scooped him into his arms and hugged him tightly.

Rimmer let out a surprised gasp.

"Hey that's okay man. I'm not bothered by it." Lister reassured him.

"But it's wrong, Lister!"

"You can't be right all of the time." He smiled at him.

Rimmer burst into tears and hugged Lister tighter.

"Ah you daft smegger." He spoked

into his curls.

"I was scared you were going to want me gone… everyone else does when they find out." The hologram sniffled.

Lister kissed his forehead, "Course not. If you feel comfortable being you, you do that man."

Rimmer held him tightly, tears streaming down his cheeks, "Thank you for ruining my uniform." He managed.

"Hm?"

"If you hadn't have ruined it I would've lived my whole life and my whole death lying to myself." He smiled up at the scouser.

Lister smiled back and nuzzled his nose against Rimmer's.

The hologram blushed, "Goit!" 

His bunkmate leant inwards, closing the remaining gap and sealing it with a kiss.

"Well then… I did not expect this." Rimmer stared into his eyes.

"Neither of us did, guy."

"But… for some strange reason… i kind of like it." 

"So do I."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I really think I rushed that scene with Lister. I should've made it better.
> 
> Thanks for reading! :)


	61. I'll break it!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who would've thought a guitar could cause all that ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> I'm working on all of the requested fics, I promise! I'm also working on another Ace returns fic which I should be able to post in 2 days. 
> 
> Anyway, I don't think any warnings apply here today.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

"For smegs sake, Lister." Rimmer snapped at his bunkmate as the Posse stood in the drive room of Red Dwarf.

"I'll only play it for a few minutes!" Lister cried out in protest.

"No smegging guitar!" The hologram folded his arms.

"But sir, won't it improve Mr Lister's mood?" Kryten protested.

"See! Even Kryten agrees!" 

"Yes, well he can tune you out. Unlike the rest of us!" 

"What about you Cat?" Lister turned to look at his shipmate.

Cat shrugged, "As long as you don't get in my way, Hamster Cheeks, I'm fine!" 

"There. 3 on one." The scouser folded his arms and smirked.

"Not if I break it first!" Rimmer spun around and took off down the corridor.

"Rimmer!" Lister screamed, taking off after him.

Kryten tutted, watching them disappear.

\-------------------------------------------------

"RIMMER!" 

The hologram threw himself into the bunkroom and began searching around in it's usual places.

"RIMMER!" 

"LOCK!" He screamed…. Too late. 

Lister toppled into the room and fell onto the floor, hissing in pain before scrambling to his feet.

"Where is it?!" He swung Lister's wardrobe open before being tackled from behind, falling to his side and smashing the side of his head against the table. "SMEG!" He cried out, kicking Lister in the chest.

His bunk mate swiped at him, "Don't touch my guitar!" 

Rimmer dodged it, rolling forwards and now on the advantage. He pounced on to the scouser and pinned him to the ground.

"Smeghead!" He screamed.

The hologram tightened his grip, "I'll smegging kill you if you don't stop!" 

"Oh yeah?! Ya'd be even more of a failure than you already are!" Lister sneered.

Rimmer bit his lip too hard it began to bleed, tears filled his eyes but he blinked them away, "Shut up!" He leant in and kept screaming vulgar insults.

His bunkmate winced as he felt blood drip onto his own lips. Sure it was simulated, but it felt and tasted real.

"Oh you smegging git! I hate you and your stupid guitar!" Rimmer kept screaming.

"Rimmer! Stop it! Yer bleeding all over me!"

"Your stupid smegging guitar! That's all you play! You can't even smegging play it, gimboid! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

"RIMMER!" He screamed back.

The hologram came to his senses and slid off of him before curling up into a ball on the floor, sobbing.

Lister sat up and looked down at him, "Rimmer… man?" 

"I'm so sorry…" he tried to compose himself, "Are you okay, Listy?"

The scouser frowned, shocked by the question, "Erm yeah of course."

Rimmer gently took his arm and looked at his bunkmate's wrists, "Did I hurt you?" 

"Sorry?"

"Do you need Kryten?" He looked into his eyes.

"Nah, I'm fine. You might need him though." Lister shuffled a little closer.

"It's nothing." He wiped a thick trail of blood off of his chin.

"What the smeg is going on man?" He reached out.

Rimmer flinched, "I'm so sorry… I don't know what came over me." 

"Stop apologising for smegs sake, it's not like yeh."

He sighed, "Are you sure I didn't hurt you?" 

"Yeah. I'm seriously worried about ya man. You smashed yer head and yer lips bleedin all over the place."

Rimmer became very self conscious of his swollen lip and shuffled away.

"No come 'ere, smeghead. Tell me what's wrong."

"No. It's fine." He grumbled.

"Ya don't sound fine." He crawled over.

"Lister, I really shouldn't have lashed out at you… I admit it. I was wrong. Just let me be alone." He sighed, getting to his feet and slowly making his way over to the bathroom.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister sat on Rimmer's bunk, waiting for the hologram to come out of the bathroom. Questions like, why did he suddenly become so afraid and how was he so violent swam around his head. The scouser sighed.

The bathroom door opened and Rimmer returned in his pyjamas. He'd been in there all day.

"You okay?" Lister spoke softly.

His bunkmate was still startled anway, "Huh?!"

"You alright, man?" 

Rimmer winced, "Hunky Dory. Tickety Boo." 

"Can we talk?"

"Talk? Talk about what?" He raised an eyebrow.

"What happened."

"What happened?" Rimmer parroted.

"Don't give me this smeg." He groaned, "How's yer lip?"

"My lip's fine." He sat at the top of his bed, "Do you mind?"

"Not 'til we're done talking."

"For smegs sake, Lister. What is there to talk about?"

"You've been crying all day."

"Crying? Hah! When have I cried?"

"When you curled into a ball this morning and kept sobbing."

The hologram remained silent.

"And not to mention all the crying ya did in the bathroom." 

"Smeg off."

"No. I'm not gonna smeg off until you get whatever's on ya chest out."

A tear rolled down Rimmer's cheek before he violently wiped it away.

"Hey!" Lister grabbed his wrist, as if he were a toddler, "None of that."

"None of what for smegs sake?!" His bunkmate tried to yank his hands away.

"Slapping tears off of ya smegging face."

"Oh, grow up!"

"Rimmer, man! Talk to me!" 

"Why should I?"

"Cuz yer gonna end up either hurting yerself or someone around ya." Lister spat.

The hologram sunk down, snivelling.

"Come on, smeghead." He let go of his wrists and gently smoothed his back, "I'm only doing this because I worried about ya."

He glanced up at him.

"Oh come 'ere." Lister pulled him into a hug.

Rimmer gasped before quickly hugging back, sobbing.

"Hey, hey come on. Tell me what's up."

After a few moments, Rimmer peeled himself away and took a deep breath, "There isn't anything to tell, That's the problem. I haven't got a reason to be sad."

Lister sighed and cupped his cheek.

"I just… I just feel sad for no smegging reason."

The scouser knew smeg was bad if his bunkmate was opening up to him. He hated seeing him so vulnerable. 

Rimmer sighed, "Everyone hates me." 

"That's never bothered ya before-"

"I know. I know, it's just when Cat calls me…" he bit his lip and took a deep breath, "Mr Gazpacho-"

"No. For smegs sake no. Ya have every right to be upset over that."

"It's a stupid nickname." He bowed his head in shame.

"A stupid nickname that has a meaning behind it, guy." Lister massaged his shoulder.

"I'm sorry about earlier."

"Is fine, man, you were stressed out and didn't want to hear me guitar." 

"I shouldn't have lashed out." He winced.

"Well ya were angry, what did ya expect?" 

"I still--" 

Lister tilted his face to face his own, "Can I do something?" 

Rimmer furrowed his brow, "Sure. I guess."

The scouser leant inwards and closed the gap between them, pressing their lips together gently.

When he pulled away, Rimmer's hazel eyes were teary.

"You okay?" Lister raised an eyebrow.

The hologram beamed a smile as tears rolled down his cheeks, he hugged his bunkmate tightly, placing kisses all over his neck and face.

Lister let out a soft laugh.

"Smeg you." Rimmer sniffled, resting his head on his shoulder.

"Just go to sleep, man, get some res-"

His bunkmate yanked him down into the bed, "I don't know how we've come to this, mi'laddo." 

"Neither." Lister grinned, nuzzling into his chest.

"We should probably go back to hating each other tomorrow." Rimmer cleared his throat.

"Yeah, then back to loving each other through the night."

"Sounds like a good idea, gimboid."

"Oi, smeghead. I'm sortin Cat out."

Rimmer smiled down at him, "Thank you."

"Any time, smeghead."

The hologram grunted and pulled the duvet over them both, "Night, you ugly goit."

"G'night." 


	62. Saving Me, Saving You (pt.1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Nano Rimmer tries to out run death, a some what familiar face is there to save the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Today we have another Ace fic :) 
> 
> I can't believe I haven't posted a 2 part fic since "Broken", wow.
> 
> Also please do tell me if I'm boring you, please please please! I understand completely if it is so. 
> 
> Well anyway, Enjoy!

p>Smeg.

Rimmer dashed down the sweltering halls as the screams of Death called behind him. He didn't want to die, not like this at least. 

Fear clawed its way up his abdomen and into his throat, making it excruciatingly hard to breathe. 

God, this was hell. He was all alone, in a ship with a disease that was eating it chunk by chunk AND he had Death himself chasing behind him. 

He turned a corner sharply, stumbling to his left and down a flight of stairs. Smeg.

The sound of footsteps?

Shit, Death had found him.

His vision blurred into nothingness as the sound of the footsteps, accompanied by the burning ship melted away, allowing his consciousness to fall.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer's head pounded as he sat up, the room briefly spinning as his eyes came to focus.

"You alright, chap?" A voice came from behind him.

The Nano spun his head around, instantly regretting it as the room began to spin once again.

"Take it easy, here have some water." The figure approached, handing him a glass.

"I- What? Am I dead orr?" 

"Nope. I managed to get you out of there, chap. Close call." The man tsked, lighting two cigarettes in his mouth before handing one to Rimmer who cautiously took it.

"Why do you look like me?" He questioned, before taking a soft puff.

He shrugged, "I am you, I'm you from another universe. The name's Ace Rimmer." He held out a hand proudly.

"Ace Rimmer?" He blinked in shock, choking on his cigarette a little.

"Yes, that's my name." He raised an eyebrow.

"THE Ace Rimmer?" The nano shuffled a bit.

"Er yeah?" 

"Lister never shut up about you." Rimmer rolled his eyes.

Ace's face went pale, "Lister?" 

"Yeah. He said 'his Rimmer' went off to be some intergalactic space Hero after the old one died, or something like that, I didn't really pay much attention to what he said at 3am."

"Lister?" He parroted.

"Yes, Lister. Short, pudgy-ish, hair like someone rolled up rats, annoying, that Lister."

Ace gulped, wiping a bead of sweat off of his forehead, "Where is he?" 

There was a brief pause.

"Stuck in the mirror universe." He grumbled, bowing his head in shame.

The space hero let out a suppressed groan, "Oh god." 

"Tell me about it." The nano, gently massaged his right temple.

Ace spun around and marched out of the room, his ginger-brown hair swaying a little.

Rimmer let out a loud groan before sinking back down into the bed, how could this be happening? At this point, his headache was becoming unbearable so he decided going back to sleep was a far better option. 

\-------------------------------------------------

The Nano was awoken by a violent surge, sending him flying out of the bed.

"SMEGGING BUGGERING HELL!" He screamed, scrambling to his feet as he staggered into the drive room.

Stood by the control panel was a rather unfazed Ace Rimmer, gently sipping out of a mug.

"What on Io was that?!" Rimmer panted, leaning against the wall.

"We dimension jumped." Ace shrugged, placing the mug down on a coaster. 

"What?" 

"We've jumped to a new dimension, a new universe." The space hero tried to hide the annoyance in his voice, only letting it sneak through a little.

"Ah right." Rimmer cleared his throat, glancing around, "So where are we then, O great space hero." The last phrase, riddled with sarcasm.

Ace glared at him, "The mirrored universe. I passed through here a few months ago, The Wildfire still had the coordinates." 

"Oh… er right." 

He sighed and shook his head, spinning around to the radar, "Old luv, don't suppose you can locate Red Dwarf anywhere?" 

"Oh Ace!" The female voice chirped, "Of course I can! Just give me a moment."

"I'll go... and wait in the other room." The nano slowly backed out, trying not to be noticed.

"Yes go do that, chap, we'll soon be able to locate the Dwarf and find our Posse." 

'Our Posse'

Rimmer frowned, surely it was HIS posse now, right? He was the new Rimmer. He deserved it. The old one didn't even deserve to be with Lister.

\-------------------------------------------------

Nano Rimmer followed behind the space hero, checking him out up and down.

Ace had a silver sort of suit on, slightly on the baggy side but his arms were nice and sleek, highlighting his muscles. His hair was neatly groomed and his sunglasses sat smartly on his nose. 

Rimmer hated him. No. He LOATHED this pampered git. 

"So then, what's the plan?" He chimed as they boarded off of the ship and into the landing bay.

"We find the others and get back to our universe."

'Our universe' eurgh.

"Yes but we need the antidote as well!" Rimmer gave a smug grin, putting his hands on his hips as thy strided out into the corridor.

"Kryten will have done it already, if he's the same as I remember, chap." Ace's also smug tone made Rimmer go rigid, it made him want to screech in annoyance.

"Right then…" 

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer shuddered as he walked through the hallways, glancing around at the backwards writing, people smiled and waved at him, saluted him and the odd few even asked if he was feeling better.

Ace glared back at him once or twice, telling him to hurry up.

Hah. Beat that, goit, I'm their captain. You're nothing. 

As the pair approached the science room, Ace stopped in his tracks, "You go in first." His voice wavered slightly.

"What?" 

"You go first."

"Me? Why me? Aren't you a space hero?" 

"Yes! I am!" Ace snapped, "I can't explain why, I'm- never mind. Just go in there."

The nano sighed, pushing the door open and entered the lab. 

Stood with their backs to him were Kryten, Cat, Kochanski and Lister, each staring at the mirror.

"Smeggin' 'ell… we're never gonna get out of here."

"Sir, we've tried for the last few days to get out of here, it's impossible!" Kryten wailed.

"Not entirely." Rimmer pursed his lips as he watched the quartet spin around in confusion and shock.

"Mr Rimmer?" The mechanoid gasped.

"Oh… you." Cat having a somewhat relieved and disgusted look, which was good enough for Rimmer.

Kochanski forced a smile, waving at him.

"Rimmer!" Lister grinned about to rush over before suddenly going stiff.

He frowned in confusion until he saw the figure now at his side.

"Oh Mr Ace sir! Isn't this a surprise!" Kryten gave a beaming smile.

"Oh hey bud! Long time no see!" 

"Lister-" Ace opened his mouth yet nothing came out.

Nano Rimmer noted the significant change of tone - nearly identical to his own voice.

"SMEG!" The scouser yelled, rushing towards him, about to tackle him with a hug before stopping, "Is it you?" 

There was a pause where Ace's expression darkened, "Is it YOU?" 

The pair stared at each other, desperately trying to read each other's thoughts.

"Well this is awkward." Nano Rimmer frowned.

"When you left… did you mistake the roof closing for the seat ejection?" Lister's voice quivered, his bottom lip trembling.

Rimmer nodded, "I landed in a pile of junk before I shook Kryten and Cat's hand then… I hugged you." 

A tear rolled down Lister's cheek, "It's you, isn't it? I can tell."

"It is." Ace nodded, yanking his wig off of his head and throwing it down onto the floor.

"Oh god!" The scouser rushed forward, throwing himself into Rimmer's arms. 

The nano's frown deepened as he backed away in confusion.

"Oh hell no! It's Goal Post Head!" 

"Oh god oh god oh god!" Rimmer sobbed out, clinging to Lister as if he were the only thing left in the universe.

"Tell me I'm not dreaming. Tell me this is real!" Lister choked, gripping onto Rimmer with every essence of strength in his body.

"Oh smeg oh smeg!" 

The pair pulled away and stared into each other's eyes, tears rolling down their cheeks 

"Oh Listy..." 

"Oh Rimsy..." 

They both began to move forward and-

"HOLY SMEhHh--" Nano Rimmer gasped out as he saw their lips make contact. 

"Sirs!" Kryten wailed, rushing over to try and break them apart. 

Both Cat and Kochanski stood gawping, not saying a word.

"Sirs! Oh sirs stop it!" The mechanoid shoved his hands between them, desperately trying to push them away from each other.

Lister pulled away abruptly and stared at Rimmer, "Holy smeg did we-" 

The duo stared at each other, their faces bright red with lust and shock.

"Er Red Dwarf to Lister and Rimmer!" Kochanski snapped her fingers a few times, "Are we going to get out of here? We have the antidote!" 

"Yeah, course." Lister nodded, "How?"

The original Rimmer tried to hide the tinge of disappointment on his face, "The Wildfire. Let's go, we don't have any time to lose." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was inspired by a headcanon I created when replying to @ladyofdecember 's fic. 
> 
> If you haven't read their post Only The Good fic yet, I recommend it :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	63. Saving Me, Saving You (pt.2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pt.2 of Rimmer's return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Hope you're all well. 
> 
> Here's part two of the fic, I'll admit it isn't that great. 
> 
> No warnings apply :) 
> 
> With that I don't have much else to saaay.
> 
> Enjoy!

(3 days later)

Lister sat down in his bunk, taking a deep breath, it was good to be back.

Nano Rimmer glanced over at him from above his book then back down at the page, his face scrunched up - obviously wanting to say something.

"What's wrong?" The scouser asked, raising an eyebrow.

The nano gave him a dubious look and pursed his lips, "I didn't know you and my… double… were a… thing." 

"We're not!" He quickly responded.

"Then why did you kiss?" 

"It was accidental. We didn't mean it. I don't even like him that way." Lister spoke quickly, stumbling over words.

"Ah. Right." 

"Anyway, I'm going to bed, see ya in the mornin, smeghead." 

Rimmer watched him turn over and pull the blanket over his head. Three days had passed and Lister hadn't spoken a single word to the original him, serves the bastard right! 

He closed the book and placed it down on the table, he could do with some sleep. Rimmer carefully got off of the chair and walked over to the bottom bunk, throwing himself down and wrapping himself in the sheets.

"Lights."

\-------------------------------------------------

(2am)

Rimmer's eyes slowly opened, the sound of footsteps sneaking away from his side pattered through the room, where was that goit going now?

The bunkroom doors slid open, a dim light flashing through briefly as Lister left the room, the doors closing behind him.

"Smegging hell…" Rimmer groaned, sliding off of the bed. He shivered as his feet touched the cold floor beneath him before he followed behind his bunkmate.

\-------------------------------------------------

The Original Rimmer sat with his head in his hands, pressing his eyes shut to hold in the tears that threatened to show.

"Hey." 

His head flew upwards to see Lister stood at the bottom of the metal steps, "Yeh alright?"

"Fine. Tickety Boo."

The scouser gave a sad smile before climbing up the stairs so that they sat side by side.

"Thanks for savin' us."

Rimmer shuffled a little before clearing his throat, "It's fine." 

The pair stared at the metal steps, not speaking.

"I'm going tomorrow." Rimmer whispered.

His ex bunkmate's head spun 90 degrees to look at him, "What?!" 

"I'm going." 

"Why?!" He gawped.

"I'm Ace Rimmer, I have places to be and people to save." He sighed.

"Yeh can't! Yeh can't leave now! Yeh've just come back!" Lister protested, "I need ya!"

"Lister, you don't need me anymore." The hologram glared at him.

"I do! Smegs sake, I do!" 

"Lister, don't make this any harder than it already is. I can't stay with him around."

A pause.

"Why not?" 

"Lister haven't you learnt anything?! I don't… me and… smeg!" He screamed, throwing himself upwards.

"Hey, hey calm down." He spoke softly, also getting up and placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Rimmer violently wiped a tear off of his face, "You know I don't do well with other versions of myself." 

"I know… sorry, man. I should've thought it through." 

The hologram sniffled, "Argh! I shouldn't cry. It's wrong to cry!"

"Hey, hey, come 'ere." Lister gently pulled him into a hug, smoothing his back as he held him.

"I shouldn't be crying! Stop it!" 

"Hey, smeghead, there's nothin' wrong with crying." He exhaled.

The hologram melted against him, clinging onto him with dear life, "I don't want to leave."

"Then don't."

"The multiverse needs an Ace." He sniffed, pulling away and sinking back down.

"You two are unbelievable!" A voice scoffed.

The duo turned to see Nano Rimmer standing with his hands on his hips, shaking his head.

The hologram stood back up and glared at him.

"Oi easy you two." Lister followed behind.

"Maybe you two should get married!" He laughed.

"Lay it off, Rimmer. C'mon."

"I'm going." The hologram spun around, about to enter his ship.

"No!" His ex bunkmate grabbed his hand.

"Listy, please." Tears welled up in his eyes.

"Pass it on! Find a new Ace! Please just don't leave me." 

"This is ridiculous. Where is he going to find a new Ace?" The Nano tutted before realising the pair were staring at him.

"I think I have an idea." Lister mumbled.

\-------------------------------------------------

(Post TPL)

Rimmer sat up in bed, yawning as the fake sunlight lit up the room

An arm flew around his bare waist and yanked him back down.

"Agh! Lister!" He yelped.

The scouser pulled him in close and pressed a kiss to his cheek, "Mo'nin sme'head." He slurred.

The hologram sighed, watching his lover snuggle back into his arms.

It had been over a decade since he'd come home and passed on the Ace mantle. 

Five years since Lister had come to terms with Kochanski not being there anymore. 

Three months since he nearly unplugged himself.

Two months since he told Lister the truth. He never stopped thinking about him when he was away, how he'd have panic attacks and break down, only to be soothed by memories of his bunkmate. He even managed to come out to him, tell him the truth about his homosexuality and how long he'd repressed himself.

Lister understood everything, he held him whilst he cried. The pair had held onto each other like nothing else mattered that night.

Then Rimmer confessed that he loved him. 

The scouser didn't even say another word, he just held his head in place and kissed him. He kissed him with every single piece of energy and emotion he had in him and this time, neither of them were ashamed of it.

They loved each other.


	64. Gym

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set Post Rimmer's return as Ace.
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING - MENTION OF SUICIDE ATTEMPT**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> I'd just like to say this isn't linked to the last fic I wrote (this was written beforehand, actually, but I published them out of order lol)
> 
> I also will no longer be writing smut fics mainly because I'm not to pleased with their turnout and I think I prefer to write angst or domestic fluff :)
> 
> Enjoy!

Lister lay in the bottom bunk, tears welling in his eyes as he dwelled over the return of his bunkmate. Sure, he didn't like Rimmer but he was the best thing he had.

Everything had been great… until Rimmer started going to the gym.

Sure he'd always gone on to the gym, even when he was alive, but now? It was constant and non-stop.

The scouser was hating life just as much as when Rimmer had left. He contemplated whether to go to the gym and take it out of a punch bag but quickly dismissed the idea, there was no way he was letting anyone see him exercise.

Why? For smegs sake why did he care about Rimmer? Why couldn't he have kept hating him? It wasn't smegging fair. 

He sat up and rolled off of the bed. He needed to go check on him.. again… sure he didn't need to be checked on but it was the only time he saw the hologram.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer finished his 20th lap in ten minutes before coming around the left side of the gym and pouding a punchbag. 

For the first time, being a hologram was great. He wasn't getting tired out. 

The hologram sighed and gently massaged his neck. He felt sick. Not because he'd been exercising non-stop for over two weeks but because of Lister.

Dave Smegging Lister.

The one man who could say anything and it would send shivers down his spine. 

Rimmer bit his own lip, he'd come back for the scouser… he needed him. He wanted him… god he wanted him… but he was too much of a coward to do anything about it.

He sighed and brought his hands up to his curls, which stuck to his sweaty forehead. 

A shadow caught his attention, in the corner of his eye, he spun his head around to look and the hologram was greeted by his bunkmate.

"Ah Lister! Come to slob some more I see." He smirked.

"Yeah." The scouser sat down on the edge of the room, his face emotionless.

"What are you wallowing in now, for smegs sake?" Rimmer scoffed.

Lister glanced up at him and shrugged, "Nothing."

The hologram gritted his teeth and found himself balling his fist, "For smegs sake, Lister, just get it out. If it's Kochanski-"

"It's not Kochanski, smeghead, it's you!" He screamed back.

There was a silence.

"Sorry?" Rimmer frowned.

"Yer never around anymore." He shrugged and folded his arms.

"Please tell me you're joking. Lister, I'm right here!" 

The scouser shook his head sadly before screaming, "Yer here physically but yer not here mentally! You still want to be Ace... You don't care about us!" He stood up and stormed off. 

Rimmer stood in silence, staring at the empty spot. What a short conversation.

Flashbacks from being Ace filled his head before he realised he'd been gripping onto the punch bag and had managed to rip a chunk out of it.

Fear riddled his mind… for smeg sake.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister slid into the bunkroom and burst out crying, covering his face with his hands.

Why was the hologram so heartless? Couldn't he have told that Lister was happy to see him? To have him back? 

The scouser leant against the wall and bawled, gripping onto his sides sadly as he lowered himself down onto the floor.

"Er Mr Lister sir.."

He lifted his head abruptly to see Cat, Kryten and Holly all staring at him.

"Oh-" he wiped his eyes on his sleeve, "Sorry."

"Bud, what's wrong?" 

Well that was a first. He'd never heard Cat be sincere before.

"Nothing… Nothing…"

"Dave, you know you can tell us anything, right?" Holly gave a small smile.

"Yeah… Yeah I do."

"Is it Miss Kochanski, sir?"

The scouser bit his lip and shook his head.

"Mr Rimmer?"

"What about him?" Lister snapped.

"He's back Dave. You've barely spent five minutes together." The computer disappeared and showed a log of their meetings together.

"Yeah… well… I'm not glad he's back." He lied. Rather stupidly.

God, he was glad. More than glad, ecstatic. He'd missed his bunkmate so much and now he was back! But he was still missing him.

"Aren't we all, bud? No one wants Goal Post Head around." Cat sighed.

"Guess not." He shrugged.

Holly disappeared off screen.

\-------------------------------------------------

"Talk to him."

Rimmer practically jumped out of his projection, "What?!" He spun around.

Holly glared at him.

"What are you looking at me like that for, you balding git."

"Eh?"

"You heard me!" 

Holly shook his head, "Talk to him, Arnold."

"Talk to who?" He forced a laugh.

"Dave."

A pause.

"What?"

"Talk to Dave. Please." Holly pulled a sad face.

"Why? Why should I want to talk to him?" He frowned.

"Because he misses you."

"Misses me? He practically said the same thing earlier with me 'not actually being here'."

"Well--"

"No. For smegs sake. He's just being difficult because I've found something better to do. Something I'm enjoying! He just can't hack me being happy."

"So?! You're happy, Arnold. What about Dave?! Have you taken a moment to look at him?! Kryten informed me that he tried to flush himself out of an airlock when you left!" The computer screeched. 

Rimmer looked rather taken aback. He didn't even know Holly could get angry.

"Just- just talk to Dave." He disappeared off screen.

The hologram stood in silence, staring at his reflection in the mirror.

"I hate you." He bit his lip.

"I really, really hate you." He felt tears well in his eyes as he kept talking to himself, "You're a failure as a son, a brother, a student, a worker, a hero…" he found himself choke with tears, "and a friend." 

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister sat in the drive room, his head in his hands.

Footsteps behind him.

"Hi Cat." He grumbled, not looking up.

"Hello Listy."

The scouser spun around to see the hologram back in his normal attire. 

"What do you want?" He sneered.

"To talk." Rimmer sat down in his chair.

"Sorry? Talk about what, smeghead, there isn't anything to talk about?" He frowned.

Rimmer shrugged, "I'm- I'm sorry."

"Save it. You don't mean it."

"Listy--"

"SAVE IT." He screamed.

The pair sat staring at each other.

"Fine. Maybe I will." Rimmer stood up and marched out.

When some minutes had passed, Lister found himself crying again.

Why? Why was he letting this smeghead screw him over? 

"SHIP DOORS OPENING."

The scouser swung back around and looked at the screen in the landing bay, watching Starbug fly out.

Piloted by…

Smeg.

No.

No.

This couldn't be happening.

Lister threw himself out of the chair and legged it down the corridor, "KRYTEN! CAT!" he screamed, "WE NEED TO GET ONTO BLUE MIDGET! COME ON!"

"What's wrong sir?" The mechanoid rushed out of the laundry room.

"HOW?! HE WAS SO QUICK-" Lister frantically began to panic, rushing into the drive room.

\-------------------------------------------------

After a few hours Rimmer landed on a moon with a breathable atmosphere. He scrambled out of the ship and ran through the empty rocky terrain. 

Tears streamed down his face as his legs began to ache more and more.

He finally found a small load or rocks, big enough to make a shelter which he could easily crawl into.

He sobbed. 

'Kryten informed me that he tried to flush himself out of an airlock!'

Another pained sob escaped Rimmer. He knew what it was like to be suicidal, god he did, he would never wish it upon another person… especially Lister.

\-------------------------------------------------

After a while of straight up crying passed and Rimmer could swear he could hear someone screaming his name.

The hologram slowly woke up, glancing around and remembered the pile of rocks he had taken shelter in.

"RIMMER!" The familiar scouse voice cried out, making the hologram tense up even more. 

"Rimmer please- I've only just got ya back…. I can't lose ya again…" 

He lifted his head in confusion peering through the gaps in the rocks.

"Oh god.." Lister threw himself down on a rock, "Why?! Why did you leave us again…" 

"I don't know." 

The hologram scrambled out of the small shelter and into the open air.

The scouser's head went flying upwards as the pair sat looking at each other.

"Arn- why?" He choked, drying his eyes on his sleeve.

"I really don't know i- I just needed to clear my head." He sighed.

"Why did yeh just leave without a word?! Couldn't yeh have told someone!" His bunkmate screamed.

"Oh I don't know! What am I good for anyway?!"

"Me!" 

…

Rimmer frowned, furrowing his brow, "Sorry, what?"

"Yer good for me! Yeh give me a reason to keep going."

The hologram's frown deepened, "What?"

"Rimmer, I'm sorry i didn't let yeh talk.. It's just.. I thought yeh were gone forever, okay? When yeh left to be Ace… I getcha back and you don't want to know me," He took a deep breath, "did I do something wrong? Don't yeh want me anymore!" 

"I- wha- wha- NO!" Rimmer screamed, "I want you! Listy, I need you!" 

The scouser bit his lip to stop it from quivering as he shook his head sadly, "Then why'd ya push me away?" 

Rimmer closed his eyes slowly, tears sliding down his cheeks, "I was just scared I wasn't needed anymore."

"Oh god-" Lister dived to the floor and crawled over to his bunkmate.

The hologram gasped and quickly took him into his arms, holding him tightly.

"I'm so sorry!" He cried out.

"I forgive you Rimsy, just promise me you'll never do it again, okay?" He sniffled.

The hologram nodded, holding him tighter, "I promise."

Lister let out a choke of relief as he pressed his face into his bunkmate's chest.

"I love yeh, yeh know?" He whispered.

Rimmer's heartbeat quickened as a flurry of emotions rushed through his head, "I- I love you too." 

The scouser smiled, letting out a soft chuckle, "Let's go home, eh?" 

"Let's go home."


	65. S&M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After exploring a derelict, Rimmer is awfully suspicious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're doing well!!
> 
> THIS IS A PURE JOKE. THIS ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE OF SOMETHING SOMEONE SAID TO ME ONCE!!!
> 
> I don't think I need any warnings for this.
> 
> And with that being said, ENJOY!

Find anything?" Lister called as he approached Cat and Rimmer in the hallway of the derelict. The ship had been pretty empty besides the stocked up cargo bay. 

"I didn't but Goal Post Head--"

"I didn't find anything either." Rimmer snapped over him.

The three stood in an uncomfortable silence, the hologram's words still lingering in the air.

Thankfully, Kryten appeared at Lister's side, "That's a shame, we've just loaded all of the supplies, we found, back onto Starbug. We'll take it back to Red Dwarf after, sirs."

"Right." The hologram grinned, "We have no reason to stay. Let's leave."

Cat shrugged, "Sounds like a good idea. I'm going to go curl my hair and have lunch!" He slipped through the doorway. 

The mechanoid nodded in agreement, "G deck needs to be mopped and dusted! We best get back, sirs."

"Agreed, Kryten, Agreed." Rimmer forced a smile.

Kryten happily walked through the door.

This left these two.

"Did ya find anythin?" Lister parroted his previous words as Rimmer brushed past him.

His bunkmate spun around and opened his mouth to protest, only nothing came out. He clamped his jaw down and shook his head before storming away.

The scouser stared in confusion as he watched Rimmer rush off, clutching his breast pocket. Lister sighed and followed behind.

\-------------------------------------------------

Rimmer slipped past the trio and made his way down the corridor, swiftly. He finally glanced around nervously before sliding into Todhunter's old bunk room, a room a young Arnold knew very well. 

The hologram closed the doors and searched the room before his eyes latched onto the small box on the bedside cabinet. Perfect.

\-------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, his bunkmate sat watching Cat slide into the room with a stack of Fish Dinners.

"Smegging hell man, whatcha doing with all of those?" 

"Having my lunch!" He grinned.

"Bit excessive, innit?" Holly called from the screen, frowning before disappearing.

"No. You monkeys don't know what you're missing out on!" He grinned and yoinked the lid off of one of the meals.

Lister wrinkled his nose at the strong smell of fish before stabbing at his curry.

"Oh by the way, what did Rimmer find?" Bits of rice and curry sauce dribbled down his chin.

Cat chewed for a bit before swallowing. He pulled a face of disgust, "Alphabet Head wouldn't let me see! He just swiped it away before I got the chance!"

Holly reappeared on screen and shook his head in confusion.

"You alright Holl?"

"Yeah. Course." If he had shoulders, it would've looked like he shrugged but with Holly being a head, he bobbed up and down a bit.

"Alright…" Lister shovelling another fork full of curry into his mouth.

"He did look extremely shocked to find it though." Cat nodded.

"Oh right. Maybe it's some Morris Dancing thing… or something on Cars."

"Cars?" The feline looked up confusion.

"Big metal things with wheels which people drive--"

"I know what they are, dummy! I meant what does Goal Post Head know about cars?" 

Lister shrugged, "Dunno. He has quite a few magazines on them and once when I mentioned them, he went on about it for hours."

"Oh." Cat frowned, "Sounds boring."

\-------------------------------------------------

03:23.

Lister sat up in bed as the same smegging tune drifted through the vents. He hadn't noticed it until he'd gone to bed, then he heard it.

The strange thing was, no one would be listening to that type of music… Cat maybe? No. Cat would be dead asleep by now.

The scouser sat up and groaned, massaging his head. Kryten maybe? Nah. He didn't like anything that wasn't… techno? Is that what you call it? 

Then the fourth member aboard the vessel popped into his head before he dismissed it quicker than light. No way. Rimmer only listened to that smegging Hammond Organ music.

The song started up again.

"For smegs sake!" Lister screamed, throwing his pillow at the vent. 

He couldn't smegging take this anymore. He had to find the music and put it out of it's misery.

He dropped off of the bed and left the bunkroom, into the dimly lit corridors where the ships whirring was at it's loudest. The funniest thing was, Rimmer didn't come back to the bunkroom that night, the scouser hadn't seen him since they'd got back on board.

The floor was cold beneath his bare feet as Lister walked down a flight of stairs, gradually, the music was getting louder. He glanced into the tech room to see Kryten charging in the darkness, which was slightly unsettling. 

He shuddered and kept going.

By now, he was on the Officer's deck. Posh bedrooms and decor all over. At this point, the music was extremely loud, like when you stand outside of a club and the cold air hits you but the sound of music sounds muffled but still blares from behind you sort of loud.

Lister then took notice that a light was on in one of the bunkrooms. Todhunter's old bunk room, to be precise.

He frowned in confusion and pressed his head across the door, sure enough, this was where the music was coming from.

The pressed the control panel and the doors slid open.

Smeg.

Smegging hell.

Jesus, smegging, Christ.

_Chains and Whips excite me_

Rimmer cracked his whip before extending his leg to the beat, spinning around as the song became more intense.

_Cause I might be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it_

Lister shivered as the sound of a whip being cracked reminded him of his run-in with the Lows.

_Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it…_

A few minutes passed by where the scouser found himself unable to move.

As the music slowly died down, Rimmer glanced over his shoulder and practically screamed.

His bunkmate screamed back.

The hologram smashed his hand down on the CD player as the music abruptly stopped playing and the disc slowly slid out. Rimmer's hand went limp and the holowhip fell onto the floor.

"Jesus- smeg-" Lister stared at him in confusion.

"I can explain! I can explain everything!" He babbled.

\-------------------------------------------------

The pair sat in an awkward silence back in their own bunk room, the disc and the whip lay on the table in front of them.

"When I was eighteen… I had a boyfriend." Rimmer bowed his head in shame.

Lister felt another metaphorical slap across the face, Rimmer was gay?! 

"Yer gay?"

He nodded.

"But all the women--"

"Force of habit. When being told that being gay is… revolting… sinful… disgusting… and having it hammered into you, well… I didn't want to let anyone down." He snapped.

"Oh…"

"I had a boyfriend who used to take me clubbing. Sure, Io was strictly religious but they had a few lap dancing clubs, gay clubs and bars dotted around. You just needed to know where to look." 

Listed nodded.

"We would go out and get pissed. I enjoyed it. I could be carefree and do whatever. He, my boyfriend, used to cross dress and everything on some occasions." He gripped his arm, "It was all great until my brother John told my father that word going around the Space Corps was that the Rimmer's had a poof in their family."

The scouser winced, "I'm so sorry, man.."

"It's fine, Listy. You didn't know." He shrugged.

On a normal occasion, Rimmer would've laughed it off and agreed with the scouser.

"What happened to yer boyfriend?" Lister glanced up at him.

"Well erm… my dad must've paid him off to leave me alone. He took a few things from the flat I was staying in and I never saw him again. I signed up for this place a few days after." He kept his head down.

A brief silence.

"S&M?" His bunkmate wet his lips.

Rimmer blushed, "Yes erm… embarrassing story." 

"Right." He nodded.

Another pause of silence.

"Why didn't ya tell me sooner?" 

"Tell you what?" The hologram furrowed his brow.

"That yer gay."

"Why would you need to know? I didn't think you'd give a toss."

"I don't give a toss that you like guys. I do as well." He frowned.

Rimmer's eyes widened, "You do?"

"I'm bisexual, smeghead."

He stared at him.

"Why do ya looked so un effected?" Lister frowned.

Rimmer pursed his lips, "Well… now you say it… it isn't that surprising."

"It isn't?"

"Not really, gimboid, I've had to rescue you from when you were drunk down at parrots. I've seen you snog Peterson, Selby and Chen before." 

The scouser shuddered before a good pick up line popped into his head, "Want to add another name to that list?"

"Sorry?"

Lister dived forwards and took Rimmer's head into his hands before smashing their mouths together.

By god.

This was the best kiss he'd ever experienced.

He'd expected Rimmer to be gentle, shy and to maybe try and pull away. Instead, the hologram guided him over to the bottom bunk before the pair flopped down. Rimmer was in control. His tongue and body dominated as the pair began to undress.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister stared at his sleeping bunkmate as the duo lay intertwined in each other's limbs. Smeg, he was beautiful. The scouser leant upwards and pressed a chaste kiss onto his cheek before watching the hologram smile in his sleep.

A pair of hazel eyes fluttered open slowly, "Listy?" He slurred.

"I'm right here, Arn." 

The hologram gave a sleepy smile and pulled him closer, "I can get used to this… only you should shower more, gimboid."

Lister rolled his eyes and nuzzled in closer, "Anything for you, Mr Rimmer, sir." 

The hologram sniggered and kissed his forehead, "Night Listy."

"Night Arn."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god, what is this?
> 
> Thanks for reading! :D


	66. Low means Low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthday's had never been a thing for Arnold J Rimmer, of course, Lister didn't know that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're well! 
> 
> I've been home sick all day and I nearly forgot to post so apologies for the late post.
> 
> Enjoy!

Rimmer ran his fingers through his hair, watching the other three from the doorway. He glanced around the bunkroom, streamers, bunting and a large banner hung from the ceiling whilst the floor was caked in confetti and wrapping paper.

"Awh thank you!" Lister grinned, staring at a hat which Cat had gracefully stitched together, "I didn't think you like me that much?"

The feiline scoffed, "I don't but you needed something."

The scouser grinned, that was good enough for him.

"At least I actually put effort in, unlike Goal Post Head." Cat laughed.

Kryten joined in, guffawing.

The hologram bowed his head in shame, all day they had ignored and taunted him. Rimmer pulled away from the doorframe and slowly descended down the dark corridor, he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Oh if his father saw him now, crying like the pussy he was.

Rimmer bit his lip, he'd spent months on making sure Lister had the perfect present, sure it was the best he could do but… he swore he could've done better. 

Tears streamed down his face as he hurried his pace through the passageways, he needed to hide away from everyone… especially the man he'd grown to love.

\-------------------------------------------------

"Non-Bud didn't even get you a gift?" Cat frowned.

Lister shook his head sadly, "Not even a card." 

"Oh sir." Kryten gasped, "How could Mr Rimmer be so inconsiderate?" 

He shrugged.

"It's your birthday after all!" 

Lister sighed, "You two head down to Parrot's, I'll join ya later."

"You sure, bud?" 

"Yeah. Course." 

"Alrighty!" Cat leapt to his feet and pranced out of the room.

"Where are you going, sir?" Kryten furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Find out where that smeghead has gone." Lister sighed, he didn't like Rimmer - not one bit - but part of him was compelled to ask the hologram to come and join them. 

"Don't be too long sir, Mr Rimmer simply isn't worth it!" Kryten huffed and got up before plodding away.

Lister pinched the bridge of his nose, they were right of course, Rimmer didn't care a damn. So why did he still want to find him? Why was that gut feeling so sickly tonight? 

He sighed and slid out of the chair. There was one place he was fairly sure Rimmer would be - The Observation Deck.

\-------------------------------------------------

Sure as smeg, he was right.

Lister found Rimmer staring out into the bleakness of space, his arms wrapped around himself.

"Oi, smeghead."

The hologram practically leapt out of his skin and span around.

"Lister! Ah! Erm." He bit his lips.

"Look, I know you don't really care much about my birthday but… I'd like it if you'd come and join us down at Parrot's." He stared at him.

Rimmer shook his head, "I'm alright."

Lister groaned internally, why was he being so difficult? "Rimmer, come on, man.."

"I don't do partying. You know that."

The scouser groaned aloud this time, "Yer so selfish, you know that?" 

Rimmer bowed his head and nodded.

"Did you just agree with me?" Lister blinked.

He nodded.

"You know what? Fine. I'm going. Kryten and Cat were right, yer a waste of time." 

The hologram blinked at him.

"Yer a waste of space and time! God I smegging hate you. I wish someone else had been turned on instead of you!" He hissed and turned around, about to make his way back down the stairs. 

"Listy." Rimmer called out, quietly, from behind him.

He stopped and spun around, "Whatcha want?" 

Rimmer removed his hands from his torso, revealing a small box he'd been cradling in his arms.

Lister furrowed his brow.

The hologram held it out to him, "Happy Birthday." He sniffed.

The scouser took it in his left hand, tentatively… he didn't expect what happened to happen next. 

Rimmer gave him a sad smile before disappearing.

Silence.

A long silence.

The sound of the lightbee hitting the floor sent shivers down Lister's spine.

"Rimmeh?" He frowned.

The sad bee lay on the floor, glowing depressingly. 

"Awh for smegs sake." Lister sighed, scooping it up into his hands, "Ya act all ominous, not even showing up to my party then give me a box before going kaput! Smeghead."

\-------------------------------------------------

When Lister got back to the bunkroom that night, rather pissed. He instantly felt a metaphorical punch to the stomach when he saw the sadly blinking lightbee on the bed. 

"Whatcha do it for, hm?" Lister blinked, "Pretend ya don't exist on me birthday… and then go hide in yer bee?" 

The bee didn't blink, Rimmer didn't reform, just the sound of the ship whirring.

"Alrigh' suit yerself." He rubbed his face before lumbering over to the table, picking up the wrapped box.

He inspected the perfect wrapping, heh, typical Rimmer. "You wrapped it nicely."

No response.

Lister shrugged and dug his fingers between the tape and paper, yanking it off of the gift.

He frowned.

The jewelry box laid perfectly in his hands as he stared at the carved "Lister" on the lid.

"Oh eh?" He blinked, sure the words swam a little but he could still read it partially.

He ran his fingers over the smooth wooden sides before prising it open with his thumbs.

Then came the sucker punch.

The final blow.

Lister found himself tearing up as he gently moved the polaroids around, revealing at least 3 stacks of photos of the pair along with hand written notes.

"Rimmer…?" He drunkenly sniffled, he glanced back over at the lightbee. "I'm sorry for getting angry at you…" 

No reply.

"It's beautiful…" he sniffled again, pulling out a polaroid of the duo sitting side by side at the table in Starbug.

Nothing.

"Can ya please come back?" Tears pricked his eyes.

Nope.

"Alright… I'll talk to ya when I'm not drunk…" he sniffled again, closing the lid on the box and kissing it softly. He crawled into the top bunk and slid it under his pillow.

Silence.

"Night… Rimsy."

Nothing.

\-------------------------------------------------

Lister was awoken by a rustling, "ugh… Krytes can ya get me a lager."

The rustling stopped and a hot, but not scalding, mug was pressed into his hand.

"Eh?" He lifted his head to look at the cup he'd been given. 

The room seemed to spin for a brief moment before he blinked away the blur.

Sure enough, a mug of coffee was in his hands, "Krytes I thought I asked ya for lager?" 

"Lager isn't good for hangovers." 

Lister's head swung up, against the table in his diamond blue puffer coat, stood Rimmer.

"Rimmeh?!" He sat up, careful not to spill the coffee.

"Lister." He nodded in acknowledgement. 

"Yer back!" He grinned sleepily, hesitantly taking a sip of the coffee… god… that was good coffee.

"I was only gone for a few hours." Rimmer shrugged.

"Yeah but… I still missed ya."

The hologram raised his eyebrows in an unbelieving manner, "Oh." 

They stood in an awkward silence.

"Thank you." Lister took another gulp of the hot drink.

"Hm?" His bunkmate looked back up at him.

"For the gift." 

"Oh."

"Don't say 'oh', smeghead. It's beautiful." He reached under his pillow and pulled it out. Now he was no longer drunk, he could finally appreciate how beautiful the carving was.

"Oh right." Rimmer gulped.

Silence.

"You okay?" Lister furrowed his brow.

The hologram shook his head, "Yes. I'm fine."

Awkward silence, once again.

"How long did it take?" Lister wet his lips before sliding off of the bed.

"Er, a while." He shrugged.

"Come on, for smegs sake. Be proud of what ya made." Lister stood beside him, placing the mug down beside the box.

"I can't…" Rimmer sighed, "I should've made it nicer, the proportions are off and--"

He was cut off by a pair of warm lips against his own.

The hologram's eyes widened before closing, his mouth was invaded by a coffee-tasting tongue as fingers gripped into his curls.

Rimmer's hands snaked down Lister's torso, holding onto his hips as he pulled him deeper into the kiss.

When the pair broke away, they stared into each other's eyes, desperately searching for an answer.

"It's perfect." Lister whispered, "Why did you leave me?" 

Rimmer blinked, "I thought you three would be happier without me." 

The scouser cringed before taking Rimmer into his arms, "Of course we wouldn't… yer the final piece in our smegging weird puzzle."

His bunkmate clung to him, "I'm sorry."

"It's alrigh', I'm not angry." 

"You should be. You have all the rights to be."

"I'm not though." He smiled up at him, "Thank you."

Rimmer closed the gap between them once more.

"No… thank you." He breathed against his lips.


	67. Why'd yeh come back then?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set Post Skipper and eventually becomes Post TPL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> So then, this is it. The final fic - until I find the motivation to write more Rimster fics.
> 
> I'm so sorry to the people who requested fics and I just want to thank everyone who gave me prompts.
> 
> Huge thank you to everyone. All of you have given me so much inspiration and feedback.
> 
> I will be back writing more one day (i've currently ran out of motivation to write Rimster fics, sadly) 
> 
> Until then, 
> 
> -British_CupOfTea <3

Lister stared down at his bunkmate, who was completely unaware he was still awake.

Rimmer gripped his greying curls as he tried to muffle another sob. The hologram lay face down, his face buried against his pillow.

The scouser nervously scratched his neck, weighing up his options. Obviously, Rimmer needed help of some sort, but how was he meant to go about it? The hologram was a total prat when it came to talking about how he felt.

Another loud sob… hold on it was louder. Lister flung himself backwards as he watched his bunkmate stand up and walk over to the table, still crying.

"Oh for smegs sake. Why can't I do anything right?"

Lister bit his lip, still unable to figure out what he should say.

"God why? Why?" The hologram bowed his head, arching over a chair.

"Rimmer.."

His bunkmate span around in fear, his hazel eyes red from crying.

"I- er- Lister."

The scouser shook his head sadly and lowered himself off of the bunk, "What's wrong, man?"

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong! Everything is tickety boo! I'm fine!" He snivelled through tears.

"Oh smegging hell," Lister spoke softly, slowly approaching his bunkmate, "What's wrong, Rimsy?" 

"NOTHING IS WRONG!" The hologram shouted before cowering away once again, trying to muffle his cries by shoving his fist into his mouth.

"Oh eh…" his bunkmate gently wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into a hug, "C'mon, you can tell me."

"No…" Rimmer presses his forehead head into Lister's lower neck.

"C'mon, smeghead, it's alright, I'm not gonna judge ya." 

"You will!" His voice quivered.

"I won't. I promise. Scout's honour."

Rimmer remained silent for a second, "You weren't even in the scouts." 

"Nah, I wasn't but I meant what I meant." He brought his hand up to Rimmer's head and gently massaged his soft hair beneath his finger tips.

"I can't tell you… you'll laugh!" He sniffed. 

"I won't smegging laugh." Lister tutted.

The hologram peeled away from him and glanced into his eyes, tears still dripping down his face, "I found the perfect universe with the quantum skipper." 

The scouser furrowed his brow in confusion.

"I had everything I've been expected to have." He gave a sad smile, "A wife, four sons and I was an officer."

Lister shook his head, "Why'd yeh come back then?" 

Rimmer's smile faded, "The captain… I…" 

"What about Hollister?" Lister frowned.

"You were the captain." 

There was a long silence.

"I was the captain?" 

Rimmer nodded and his face screwed up in pain before he turned away.

Lister's frown deepened, "So?" 

"So?! Lister, do you know HOW you became captain?" 

He shook his head.

"You spotted the drive plate." He sneered.

Another silence.

"Oh smeg, yer not upset about--" Lister reached out to touch him before the Hologram flinched away, 

"Even you could spot it! Lister, have we met a version of me that has?!" 

"There's one out there, man! There obviously is!"

"That isn't the point!" He screamed back at him.

"Then what is the point?!"

"Why couldn't I have found that universe?! The universe where I found it?!" 

"Oh for smegs sake, grow up!" Lister snapped, unintentionally. 

Rimmer stepped back, his face broken.

"No... no… no I'm sorry…" the scouser whispered.

"Why can't I be good enough?" The hologram whispered beneath his breath. 

"For smegs sake Arn!" Lister grabbed him by his dressing gown and yanked him so close their noses were touching, "Why can't you learn?!" 

Rimmer frowned, "Learn what?" 

"That yer good enough for ME!" 

"...What?" 

He shook his head with irritation, "Look, am I perfect?"

The hologram scoffed.

"Exactly! Is anything I own, perfect?" 

"...no."

"See. There's nothing wrong with not being perfect! That's what makes you you!" 

Rimmer blinked, bowing his head, "Alright… night Lister." 

The scouser cringed slightly, "Night."

\-------------------------------------------------

(Three years later, a few weeks post TPL) 

"Smeg!" Lister jolted awake.

"Hmungh?" 

The scouser tugged on his shirt, breathing heavily.

"Listy, are you alright?" Rimmer called from beneath him.

"No. No I'm not."

The hologram was at his side in seconds, "What? What's wrong?"

The scouser stared at him, tears welled in his eyes, "I'm scared, Arn." 

Rimmer frowned, "Scared? Scared of what?" 

"I keep having the same nightmare where you leave and you never come back." He glanced away.

"What?"

"Sometimes, you go as Ace. Sometimes…" He gulped, "It's the Quantum Skipper." 

Rimmer's eyes widened.

"And for the last few weeks… you unplug yerself and yeh die or yeh take the bomb and yeh don't come back!" He sobbed out.

The hologram slowly reached out and pulled him close, letting him press his head against his chest.

"The quantum skipper?" 

Lister nodded, "I was so worried you were gonna find somewhere nice and stay there…" 

"Oh Listy…" Rimmer held him tightly.

"Rimmer, man, you don't know how much I care." 

The hologram tilted his head to face him, "Of course I do. Sunshine." 

And with that, he leant in and pressed their lips together.

Lister's eyes widened.

Finally! 

Rimmer finally knew how much he meant to him.

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for any grammatical mistakes or if the text it self isn't that great. Kudos and Comments are always welcomed!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
